ch13;friday

ch13;friday
the day his prozac kicked in...

i saw the doctor on monday, i've been upset ever since.  THAT is why i haven't written...

i had trouble on wednesday getting my pain medication.  i must be blacklisted...

do u know how it feels to be accussed of 'drug seeking' when it's obvious u have chronic, back wrenching pain, ALL THE TIME...

it makes me feel like people don't care about me.

my parents and sister have been very nice to me.

my 'mother-in-law' was nice enough to drop off my DVDs and my diamond ring which i have been asking for for 2 years...

but T hasn't answered me back...i feel like no one cares about me, it would mean so much to me if i knew he cared, if he called, if he came over to say goodbye, or even just to visit...

am i even worth this huge surgery that i have to do?

it's going to hurt, and i will have no husband to hold my hand, to comfort me,

i don't know if most people understand, but it's a big difference when your husband is there for you, it's a different bond than a family bond...

and i'm going to hurt and be scared, and my parents can't help much because they don't want me to love T anymore,

but i can't help it, u feel what u feel.

sorry i have not written since monday or whatever.

it was nice to see my neice, but it wore me out. 

and now i want to have a baby too because she is so sweet, and i am sad i cannot see her again for a long time. 

i try to sleep so i am not sad. 

i am not brave enough right now to 'face it' and be brave.  it's going to hurt and i know it, and it's going to hurt for a long, long while.

i got back my diamond ring (finally) today, but when i looked at it, there was no love there, it was dull, kinda 'spitting me in the face',

saying 'ha ha, your husband doesn't love u anymore...'  ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, you are not worth anything anymore, ha ha ha ha, it was all a big joke...that's how i feel...

it doesn't even fit on me anymore because i lost so much weight, and i found out that the blood test from monday said i am anemic. 

great, going into heart surgery, when i'm anemic, is not a good sign...

going into heart surgery when i'm only 100 pounds is not a good sign...

going into heart surgery when i am sad because my husband doesn't care and won't even see me or call me or email me to say, 'i care, and good luck...'

that's the worst for me because i believe in 'mind over matter' and that attitude and how u feel when you go into surgery makes a big difference. 

knowing that T doesn't care makes a HUGE difference...it makes me more scared...

...the cats are giving me very, very strange stares, like they know i will be leaving...

i am afraid my guardian angels are not watching over me here on earth anymore, i am afraid they are waiting for me in heaven.

i can't sleep at night...

i'm afraid of the pain the surgery will be...why did god, or whoever is in charge, do this to me...

and if i am in pain, and they can't control it, they will just let me suffer...maybe they don't care either...

i liked when T cared about me...it gave me strength and motivation to get better...my family is being nice to me, but only because, i think, they have to be nice to me...

i don't have a good feeling about this. 

i am scared and i am going to be alone.  i need T to hold my hand...he doesn't have to be there all the time, just a little bit to hold my hand, he doesn't even have to say anything...

this hospital is the farthest one from my home, my parents will only be only be able to visit me for a little bit, maybe even not every day! 

it will be too hard on them.  it will be too hard on them to help me when i get home. 

i know they don't want to have to help me, it's too hard, on everyone,

i don't have the confidence, strength, courage, and not going to be able to be brave.

i get so tired lately... 

i have to have the surgery.  i don't know how well i will recover. 

T helped me so much,

how can he sleep at night knowing how hard this is for me... 

...how hard he is making it for my parents. 

i've asked almost everyone i know to ask him to help, to do at least SOMETHING, no luck. 

i am sad and scared, and cannot sleep, and i get sooooo tired and my heart pounds and pounds and pounds. 

i wanted to have a baby the same time my niece was born.  it's just not fair.

i don't know how to get through the weekend.  i want to be brave, but i have a feeling i will just get more scared as Monday comes closer.

why am i being punished?  it's not fair...

JOANNAJEAN