Chapter29-Recovery?
Been awhile since I wrote...
1. Divorce still not final. Don't want it to be...
2. From what I gather from my minimal contact with T (infrequent and brief emails...) he's as miserable as I am...
3. By that rationale...we should be together and work things out, we'd still be miserable, but at least (I think) we'd feel like we are doing the RIGHT thing...
4. Cardiac Recovery - It's REALLY hard to get all the way across town to get to the Cardiac Rehab place at the hospital. I can't drive that far yet.
5. But, the one time I've gone, it was REALLY good. It's a wonderful program, but I think after a couple more sessions, I'll just work out at the gym across the street from me, so much easier to get to, I just have to MAKE myself go a couple times a week...
6. But i am frustrated with my recovery. I think part of it may be my fault, since I'm not pushing myself 100%, but like I said when these 2 surgeries started, way back in October, 'I've been thru all this for over 20 years, I'm tired of being good and tough all the time, just tired of it...'
7. It's hard having to do a divorce and try to get strong and recover from the surgery - simultaneously. Too much. I don't know what my place is anymore, I don't know what I am supposed to be doing...I don't know what I am supposed to do.
8. Before, I knew...ok, get good grades to get a good job. ok, that makes sense. Also, my role was, wife-try to make T happy. So I knew what to do before. Now, I feel lost...and tired, sad, lonesome for T, guilty for bugging my Mom and Dad, worthless for not having a job, frustrated with my recovery, etc.
Showing posts with label doctor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label doctor. Show all posts
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Chapter 21: part VII (ending)
Chapter 21; ALONE; part VII (ending)
anyway, so like 745pm or so i tried to rest and i was afraid i'd die, so i asked dad to just stay there for awhile and make sure i didn't die. he just nodded and sat there. i told him he could go, just check on me before he left. i let myself go, and it felt wierd, because you know how in cartoons and stuff, how they show dead people with their tongues hanging out? well, that's how i felt, i was so spent, that i thought i was going to die because i could feel my tongue like it was falling out of my mouth like i was a dead woman. totally freaked the hell out of me, and i think i even told my dad...
anyway, i slept and had a totally psychadelic trippy dream. when i woke up, it was only 9pm and this voice in the wall (the intercom), he said 'Joanna, sweetie, are you alright?' it was nice of him to be so kind, he had a very purry, comforting voice. I told him, 'yeah, i just have to pee, i'm ok.' my dad must have told them i was scared and to check on me.
i think that night, it was J who took care of me, i think. i had that headache and was scared to go to sleep. but she told me she'd check on me in an hour, and somehow that comforted me, and i was able to drift off.
that psychadelic dream i had though, ew, it was wierd and freaky. it revolved around the clicks and whirling sound that the IV was making, that and my headache, and i was hot and uncomfortable.
the dream was about underground compartments that everyone's soul or spirit is trapped in. and this spirit you have has only one chance in it's life, or in it's eternity to 'snap' one picture, and one picture only...so you have to watch and wait for the perfect snapshot, because once you take it, that's YOUR picture, your mark on eternity, and that's IT, your gone, your dead, vanished.
So i followed all these people during this dream and their 'snapshots.' I remember, in particular, JP. He had a beautiful snapshot, it was curvy and a little swirly, it was a large marble, with the blue and greenish swirls within the marble, i know you've seen those type of marbles, and it was bright, like acrylic paints or a mosaic, like stained glass, that type of brightness and color, and this orb was contained in a, kind of like an old-fashioned wooden house-shaped watering well, very pretty, i could probably paint or draw it, and it's sitting on a green, grassy little hill, and it's lit somehow from the side so all the colors show, but there's a hint of a shadow too. and there's a little bit of a blue backround, lighter blue at the bottom, and getting darker blue toward the top, and nearly black at the very top. i can picture it.
lots of the innocent and young people who got to take 'snapshots' were similar, but with hues of pink, and swirls of yellow-orange. i think there was one for my dad, but i don't really remember it...but the one for JP was very vivid, i think because he has blue eyes.
If there was one for T it was yellow, a stark yellow with a bite - a contrasting stripe of orange running right through the middle, like an unsymettrical corkscrew, even like an umbilical cord, strange enough, very strong and distinct, absolute - if that's the right word...
strange, maybe eyes are gates to someone's soul, even though T doesn't have yellow eyes, he definately has a strong, undenying, and definitive spirit...
anyway, i don't think i had a snapshot for myself, i was kind of like witnessing the snapshots of other people, even strangers, but the 'snap' corresponded, i realized when i woke up, to the 'snap' that the IV made when it switched from the vancomycin to the normal saline. isn't that strange?
and then the whirring of the pump was like the 'roller coaster' i felt like i was on while i was watching the snapshots, cool, huh? i would definately say that was a 'trip,' but i wasn't really on any mind-altering drugs, it was more like a loss of blood and trauma that caused the dream. but boy, it was hard to sleep that night, i had bad muscle spasms in my head, neck, and all down my back too. ick.
i wish i could remember the snapshot i had for myself, i think there was some brilliant red in it, i think for sure there was some red, i think like sunrise or sunset colors too, kinda smudged in there.
anyway, i had been wanting to write that for awhile now, it was a very difficult day, that friday. i had been so uncomfortable with the bed and the diet and the muscle spasms and them not treating my anxiety, those are some of the reasons i had to leave on sunday, i just had to get out of there!
JOANNAJEAN
(end)
anyway, so like 745pm or so i tried to rest and i was afraid i'd die, so i asked dad to just stay there for awhile and make sure i didn't die. he just nodded and sat there. i told him he could go, just check on me before he left. i let myself go, and it felt wierd, because you know how in cartoons and stuff, how they show dead people with their tongues hanging out? well, that's how i felt, i was so spent, that i thought i was going to die because i could feel my tongue like it was falling out of my mouth like i was a dead woman. totally freaked the hell out of me, and i think i even told my dad...
anyway, i slept and had a totally psychadelic trippy dream. when i woke up, it was only 9pm and this voice in the wall (the intercom), he said 'Joanna, sweetie, are you alright?' it was nice of him to be so kind, he had a very purry, comforting voice. I told him, 'yeah, i just have to pee, i'm ok.' my dad must have told them i was scared and to check on me.
i think that night, it was J who took care of me, i think. i had that headache and was scared to go to sleep. but she told me she'd check on me in an hour, and somehow that comforted me, and i was able to drift off.
that psychadelic dream i had though, ew, it was wierd and freaky. it revolved around the clicks and whirling sound that the IV was making, that and my headache, and i was hot and uncomfortable.
the dream was about underground compartments that everyone's soul or spirit is trapped in. and this spirit you have has only one chance in it's life, or in it's eternity to 'snap' one picture, and one picture only...so you have to watch and wait for the perfect snapshot, because once you take it, that's YOUR picture, your mark on eternity, and that's IT, your gone, your dead, vanished.
So i followed all these people during this dream and their 'snapshots.' I remember, in particular, JP. He had a beautiful snapshot, it was curvy and a little swirly, it was a large marble, with the blue and greenish swirls within the marble, i know you've seen those type of marbles, and it was bright, like acrylic paints or a mosaic, like stained glass, that type of brightness and color, and this orb was contained in a, kind of like an old-fashioned wooden house-shaped watering well, very pretty, i could probably paint or draw it, and it's sitting on a green, grassy little hill, and it's lit somehow from the side so all the colors show, but there's a hint of a shadow too. and there's a little bit of a blue backround, lighter blue at the bottom, and getting darker blue toward the top, and nearly black at the very top. i can picture it.
lots of the innocent and young people who got to take 'snapshots' were similar, but with hues of pink, and swirls of yellow-orange. i think there was one for my dad, but i don't really remember it...but the one for JP was very vivid, i think because he has blue eyes.
If there was one for T it was yellow, a stark yellow with a bite - a contrasting stripe of orange running right through the middle, like an unsymettrical corkscrew, even like an umbilical cord, strange enough, very strong and distinct, absolute - if that's the right word...
strange, maybe eyes are gates to someone's soul, even though T doesn't have yellow eyes, he definately has a strong, undenying, and definitive spirit...
anyway, i don't think i had a snapshot for myself, i was kind of like witnessing the snapshots of other people, even strangers, but the 'snap' corresponded, i realized when i woke up, to the 'snap' that the IV made when it switched from the vancomycin to the normal saline. isn't that strange?
and then the whirring of the pump was like the 'roller coaster' i felt like i was on while i was watching the snapshots, cool, huh? i would definately say that was a 'trip,' but i wasn't really on any mind-altering drugs, it was more like a loss of blood and trauma that caused the dream. but boy, it was hard to sleep that night, i had bad muscle spasms in my head, neck, and all down my back too. ick.
i wish i could remember the snapshot i had for myself, i think there was some brilliant red in it, i think for sure there was some red, i think like sunrise or sunset colors too, kinda smudged in there.
anyway, i had been wanting to write that for awhile now, it was a very difficult day, that friday. i had been so uncomfortable with the bed and the diet and the muscle spasms and them not treating my anxiety, those are some of the reasons i had to leave on sunday, i just had to get out of there!
JOANNAJEAN
(end)
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
ch12;scared?
Ch12;scared?
there's a song, i'm pretty sure by faster pussycat called scared...i remember requesting it on KNAC or Pirate Radio when I was like 12 alone in Memorial Hospital...THEY PLAYED IT...
I hate going to see the doctor...all she said today, with wide eyes was...
'go over "Five Wishes" with your Mom, 'go over the 'quality of life that is important with you with your mom'...'make sure you make lots of copies of that "Five Wishes" and send one to us...'
she said...
"you are resistant to a lot of pain medicines....be aware that it's going to hurt, and they probably won't be able to control it..."
she said...
"this is a BIG, MAJOR surgery..."
i asked her..."did they magnify that chest x-ray? my heart looks HUGE?"
she said..."yeah, THE HEART IS enlarged..."
she said she talked to the cardiologist...he said..."yeah, now's her window to have the surgery..." looking at the computer, typing something in...she says to me...
"so you do know if you don't have the surgery now...you'll go into heart failure...yeah...that can be fatal..."
i'm not mad at her...she's doing her job...a job I WANTED TO DO TOO! i'm glad i was by myself...i'm glad mom or dad wasn't there, i didn't have to be brave, i didn't have to sit up straight and pretend i wasn't nervous or hurting, i could look weak, i didn't have to look anyone in the eye, i could hunch over because i hurt, i didn't have to pretend...
oh, and she said...
"be sure you discuss with your mom if there are any complications how much 'quality of life' means to you..."
I said..."well, I don't want to be starved..."
I said..."but I don't want to be kept in a coma for more than a couple weeks..."
"but i think I have to think about the other things...'quality of life..."
don't want to be like chris reeves, he was miserable, i read his book...
don't want to be like the vegas lion tamer guy...he was in too much pain...don't want to hurt and be tortured by hurt or hunger, or wither away like the lady who crumbled away (remember, she was the big issue before the POPE died...)
I asked..."how does a heart-lung machine work..."
she said "i'm not sure, ask the surgeon..."
I said..."the surgeon doesn't need to see me...and I'm out of pain patches...."
well, she said "I don't want anyone to think u r doctor shopping..."
I started to sob..."i hate when people think that of me...it makes me feel horrible..."
i mean u can see the kyphoplasty on my side-ways x-ray...
my dad gave blood, THANK YOU DAD...but why was he SO MAD??? he seemed so mad about it...it made me sad...
the whole time I thought of T...but kept it mostly to myself...all our memories...he may have been BORED by all the little things...but i remember the little details, cherish the little memories, the times i made him smile, the quick trips to Wendys when we lived in POMONA...
i wanted to talk about him all day...all the little things i remember...but i know i won't see him...
he doesn't care...he doesn't care...he doesn't care...
forget about him...'everyone says that to me' forget about him...but they
DON'T HAVE A FLOWER CALLED 'FORGET ABOUT HIM'...
THEY HAVE A FLOWER CALLED
FORGET ME NOT...
but no one wants to hear about it....
i didn't sleep a wink last night....my heart pounds...i think maybe i'm so scared, i don't want to feel it...
she shouldn't have said 'it's going to hurt so much that they won't be able to control it...'
i've been saying the past 5 days thats MY WORST FEAR...
one week...i won't be here to pet the kitties...Tiny purrs when i say his name...
Daisy makes a 'currrdddly' sound when she comes aaround for attention....
Lucky sleeps in a little basket that's too small for him...
Mirage hears voices...
Lucy is mean for the fun of it, then waddles away like in that Disney move, i think the aristocrats, never saw it...
Missy works all day to keep her winter coat perfect and fluffy, she gorgeous...
afraid to go to sleep, don't know if i'll be scared tomorrow, everyone's being nice to me,
except the one person who i want to care about me, but i can't say it to anyone, they'll just think i'm dumb...but it was my / our wedding, i was happy, why did he just leave....
he chose his life over mine....
i just want to know he cares...i'm mad i can't talk about it, i'm mad i can't say to anyone how much it hurts, i'm mad about what he said in that email...i thought he loved me a lot...it sucks....
next week, i'll be alone, hurting, tired, cut up, i DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN, complications? maybe....
why couldn't he just give me a hug goodbye...it's just not fair...not fair, not fair, not fair...
i'm the one who has to hurt....not fair..
i worked so hard to eat, be a good girl, gain weight...not fair, only gained 2 pounds...
i thought he loved me, i thought he cared about me...i don't feel stupid that i love him
...i want to crawl in his head and know how he can sleep at night....he knows how i feel....
IT'S NOT FAIR...IT'S GONNA HURT...I'M GONNA BE ALONE...i don't wanna be brave...
what else can i say....i just want a hug goodbye and a 'you didn't ruin my life...'
NOT FAIR!!!!!!
take care...
JOANNAJEAN....
there's a song, i'm pretty sure by faster pussycat called scared...i remember requesting it on KNAC or Pirate Radio when I was like 12 alone in Memorial Hospital...THEY PLAYED IT...
I hate going to see the doctor...all she said today, with wide eyes was...
'go over "Five Wishes" with your Mom, 'go over the 'quality of life that is important with you with your mom'...'make sure you make lots of copies of that "Five Wishes" and send one to us...'
she said...
"you are resistant to a lot of pain medicines....be aware that it's going to hurt, and they probably won't be able to control it..."
she said...
"this is a BIG, MAJOR surgery..."
i asked her..."did they magnify that chest x-ray? my heart looks HUGE?"
she said..."yeah, THE HEART IS enlarged..."
she said she talked to the cardiologist...he said..."yeah, now's her window to have the surgery..." looking at the computer, typing something in...she says to me...
"so you do know if you don't have the surgery now...you'll go into heart failure...yeah...that can be fatal..."
i'm not mad at her...she's doing her job...a job I WANTED TO DO TOO! i'm glad i was by myself...i'm glad mom or dad wasn't there, i didn't have to be brave, i didn't have to sit up straight and pretend i wasn't nervous or hurting, i could look weak, i didn't have to look anyone in the eye, i could hunch over because i hurt, i didn't have to pretend...
oh, and she said...
"be sure you discuss with your mom if there are any complications how much 'quality of life' means to you..."
I said..."well, I don't want to be starved..."
I said..."but I don't want to be kept in a coma for more than a couple weeks..."
"but i think I have to think about the other things...'quality of life..."
don't want to be like chris reeves, he was miserable, i read his book...
don't want to be like the vegas lion tamer guy...he was in too much pain...don't want to hurt and be tortured by hurt or hunger, or wither away like the lady who crumbled away (remember, she was the big issue before the POPE died...)
I asked..."how does a heart-lung machine work..."
she said "i'm not sure, ask the surgeon..."
I said..."the surgeon doesn't need to see me...and I'm out of pain patches...."
well, she said "I don't want anyone to think u r doctor shopping..."
I started to sob..."i hate when people think that of me...it makes me feel horrible..."
i mean u can see the kyphoplasty on my side-ways x-ray...
my dad gave blood, THANK YOU DAD...but why was he SO MAD??? he seemed so mad about it...it made me sad...
the whole time I thought of T...but kept it mostly to myself...all our memories...he may have been BORED by all the little things...but i remember the little details, cherish the little memories, the times i made him smile, the quick trips to Wendys when we lived in POMONA...
i wanted to talk about him all day...all the little things i remember...but i know i won't see him...
he doesn't care...he doesn't care...he doesn't care...
forget about him...'everyone says that to me' forget about him...but they
DON'T HAVE A FLOWER CALLED 'FORGET ABOUT HIM'...
THEY HAVE A FLOWER CALLED
FORGET ME NOT...
but no one wants to hear about it....
i didn't sleep a wink last night....my heart pounds...i think maybe i'm so scared, i don't want to feel it...
she shouldn't have said 'it's going to hurt so much that they won't be able to control it...'
i've been saying the past 5 days thats MY WORST FEAR...
one week...i won't be here to pet the kitties...Tiny purrs when i say his name...
Daisy makes a 'currrdddly' sound when she comes aaround for attention....
Lucky sleeps in a little basket that's too small for him...
Mirage hears voices...
Lucy is mean for the fun of it, then waddles away like in that Disney move, i think the aristocrats, never saw it...
Missy works all day to keep her winter coat perfect and fluffy, she gorgeous...
afraid to go to sleep, don't know if i'll be scared tomorrow, everyone's being nice to me,
except the one person who i want to care about me, but i can't say it to anyone, they'll just think i'm dumb...but it was my / our wedding, i was happy, why did he just leave....
he chose his life over mine....
i just want to know he cares...i'm mad i can't talk about it, i'm mad i can't say to anyone how much it hurts, i'm mad about what he said in that email...i thought he loved me a lot...it sucks....
next week, i'll be alone, hurting, tired, cut up, i DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN, complications? maybe....
why couldn't he just give me a hug goodbye...it's just not fair...not fair, not fair, not fair...
i'm the one who has to hurt....not fair..
i worked so hard to eat, be a good girl, gain weight...not fair, only gained 2 pounds...
i thought he loved me, i thought he cared about me...i don't feel stupid that i love him
...i want to crawl in his head and know how he can sleep at night....he knows how i feel....
IT'S NOT FAIR...IT'S GONNA HURT...I'M GONNA BE ALONE...i don't wanna be brave...
what else can i say....i just want a hug goodbye and a 'you didn't ruin my life...'
NOT FAIR!!!!!!
take care...
JOANNAJEAN....
Monday, February 8, 2010
CH6-COMPLICATIONS & CIPRO
Chapter 6; The Day His Prozac Kicked In...
Complications
Well, if you remember, I had the ANGIOGRAM on Friday, and it was not very pleasant...
So i was a 'good girl' and limited my activity on Saturday, followed the directions and doctor's orders, and all that stuff.
But on Sunday morning I began to have symptoms of a bladder infection and I started to sob. Yes, it got worse and I knew I had to go to the clinic,
on a Sunday,
yes SUPERBOWL Sunday...
I knew I had to act fast, not only because of the pain, but because of the fact there would be the nurses and doctors in the lounge watching the GAME...
So I started sobbing again,
because of the pain,
because I was generally NOT feeling well,
and knowing I'd have to bug my parents to help me get to the clinic.
All for a prescription of CIPRO which is the only thing that seems to catch these awful bladder infections I get after I get home from the hospital.
I don't know if it is the stress from being in the hospital, or the invasive procedures, or what that causes the infections, but I knew it couldn't wait until Monday.
However, wait, yes wait I did, in the WAITING ROOM when my Mom dropped me off at the clinic.
I got there at 2pm, the waiting room was 75% full, I found out the SUPERBOWL began at 4pm, I was REALLY pressing my luck...
Lots of miserable and coughing children...lots of adults in pain...you know...all that...
Had to wait a while. My mom dropped me off. Couldn't get comfortable...Was in a lot of pain, my back hurt, my legs hurt (from the angiogram still), I had a migraine coming on...It all sucked.
The doctor was nice, I was CLUTCHING the old prescription bottle from the last time I had a bladder infection, the doctor heeded it and said he would fax a prescription for CIPRO over to the pharmacy, which closes at 6pm, and it was already 5pm, HUSTLE, HUSTLE, HUSTLE!
The game had started, I could hear it in the lounge marked 'PRIVATE.'
There was a problem at the pharmacy, the doctor forgot to fax in the 2nd prescription I needed, I forget the name.
My dad was sad, or tired, or mad...i couldn't tell. But he helped me anyway, thanks dad. He even went to the pharmacy for me.
At least it wasn't raining, like on FRIDAY when he helped with the ANGIOGRAM...
Thank god for CIPRO. I knew it would work very soon. I feel better now, Monday, but CIPRO is such a powerful medication, it just drains me, so I was sad a lot today, just because life doesn't seem to be going great for me right now...
Anyway, it makes me worry about the complications that may arise with my HEART SURGERY. I wish there was a way to just 'SWITCH' off the fear and worry, like a LIGHT SWITCH, and just do the surgery.
I don't have a choice anyway, it has to be done, I just wish all the worry and pain didn't have to go with it!
Anyway, I emailed T (my husband) about all this. No answer. That too makes me sad. I miss him and am in pain, and it seems like he just doesn't care. Maybe he doesn't. Yes, having that thought makes me sad.
Until next time...
JOANNAJEAN
Complications
Well, if you remember, I had the ANGIOGRAM on Friday, and it was not very pleasant...
So i was a 'good girl' and limited my activity on Saturday, followed the directions and doctor's orders, and all that stuff.
But on Sunday morning I began to have symptoms of a bladder infection and I started to sob. Yes, it got worse and I knew I had to go to the clinic,
on a Sunday,
yes SUPERBOWL Sunday...
I knew I had to act fast, not only because of the pain, but because of the fact there would be the nurses and doctors in the lounge watching the GAME...
So I started sobbing again,
because of the pain,
because I was generally NOT feeling well,
and knowing I'd have to bug my parents to help me get to the clinic.
All for a prescription of CIPRO which is the only thing that seems to catch these awful bladder infections I get after I get home from the hospital.
I don't know if it is the stress from being in the hospital, or the invasive procedures, or what that causes the infections, but I knew it couldn't wait until Monday.
However, wait, yes wait I did, in the WAITING ROOM when my Mom dropped me off at the clinic.
I got there at 2pm, the waiting room was 75% full, I found out the SUPERBOWL began at 4pm, I was REALLY pressing my luck...
Lots of miserable and coughing children...lots of adults in pain...you know...all that...
Had to wait a while. My mom dropped me off. Couldn't get comfortable...Was in a lot of pain, my back hurt, my legs hurt (from the angiogram still), I had a migraine coming on...It all sucked.
The doctor was nice, I was CLUTCHING the old prescription bottle from the last time I had a bladder infection, the doctor heeded it and said he would fax a prescription for CIPRO over to the pharmacy, which closes at 6pm, and it was already 5pm, HUSTLE, HUSTLE, HUSTLE!
The game had started, I could hear it in the lounge marked 'PRIVATE.'
There was a problem at the pharmacy, the doctor forgot to fax in the 2nd prescription I needed, I forget the name.
My dad was sad, or tired, or mad...i couldn't tell. But he helped me anyway, thanks dad. He even went to the pharmacy for me.
At least it wasn't raining, like on FRIDAY when he helped with the ANGIOGRAM...
Thank god for CIPRO. I knew it would work very soon. I feel better now, Monday, but CIPRO is such a powerful medication, it just drains me, so I was sad a lot today, just because life doesn't seem to be going great for me right now...
Anyway, it makes me worry about the complications that may arise with my HEART SURGERY. I wish there was a way to just 'SWITCH' off the fear and worry, like a LIGHT SWITCH, and just do the surgery.
I don't have a choice anyway, it has to be done, I just wish all the worry and pain didn't have to go with it!
Anyway, I emailed T (my husband) about all this. No answer. That too makes me sad. I miss him and am in pain, and it seems like he just doesn't care. Maybe he doesn't. Yes, having that thought makes me sad.
Until next time...
JOANNAJEAN
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