Chapter 21: ALONE

I never thought I would have to EVER feel this way...so lost, so alone. I felt un-cared for...like everything could spill out of my body, just like it is right now, and no one would care, i would just kind of dissolve as I drifted to the floor. Finally, when the nurse came in, she'd just look at me, raise her eyes to heaven, sigh, and say...'now look at this mess I have to clean up....'




that's how i felt during one of the WORST times i've had at that hospital...what is missing is how light i felt, i felt like a feather, not just because i weighed so little, but because i felt light, light like no one cared, which is pretty much the harsh truth of what it was, at that point, i was pretty much just a hassle, to everyone and everything, except...when i think about it, i knew i wasn't going to die, i actually just accepted that for that moment, i wasn't important, and no one cared what i felt or what was happening to me...you know...ALONE...



so the nuts and bolts of it is this; it was that friday, the day where almost all the tubes were taken out, everyone was in a hurry to finish everything up by noon or by 4pm, which ever they could get away with...the hallway was busy, clamor here, slam there, footsteps, footsteps, pound, pound, pound...happy voices, sighs, laughs, more sighs, those strange BANGS on my door when someone would be walking down the hall, remember something and turn on their heels real quick, in turn, banging on MY door, freaking me, a newly-cut heart patient - alone, out like crazy...anyway....



i hadn't had lunch, because i knew it was friday, my stomach was upset because i was nervous, because i knew they were going to pull out the chest tube and i was afraid to eat because then M and Dr. A would walk in, see me eating, and say 'oh, we don't want to disturb you, we'll come back in a few minutes,' which on 7th floor (on a Friday, especially) meant, 'you lost your chance, gal' (in other words, they WOULDN'T be back...anyone who's EVER been a patient in the hospital, knows that scam...)



anyway, so i hadn't had lunch, i had a bite, spaghetti, it was actually pretty good, but i swore i heard M and Dr. A talking (Dr. A has a VERY DEEP resounding voice, and M's voice is UNMISTAKABLE with her thick, yet sort of lofty, english accent...) i was afraid my stomach would rumble or something and i REALLY, DESPERATELY wanted that TUBE OUT RIGHT AWAY...it was DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!

JOANNAJEAN
(part II next)

CHAPTER 3; BLOOD TEST AND MY PARENT'S ANNIVERSARY...

CHAPTER 3; MY PARENT'S ANNIVERSARY AND MY BLOOD TEST

Today was my parent's wedding anniversary. They didn't get to do much, but they go out to the movies all the time, and stuff like that.

Congrats to them! My Dad had to go to work in the morning / mid-day but he still got Mom chocolates but then he fell asleep right when he got home from work. Work takes a lot out of him these days...

but I think it’s really nice they are still together, their oldest kid is 40 years old! Wow! I am jealous, though. I wanted to be married forever too.

I still have not signed the papers I mentioned yesterday. I don’t really want to, but I guess I will…

Anyway, had to go to get the blood test for my ANGIOGRAM today, the exam is on Friday. I am scared they won’t give me enough sedation because I get SUPER NERVOUS and would rather just be completely ‘under’ so I don’t have to worry about it.

One word of advice, ALWAYS FIND OUT WHEN LUNCH-TIME IS for the hospital workers before you go in for a blood test or doctor’s appt. I got there at 11:30am and no one had told me lunch was scheduled then!

I had to beg them just take my blood, which they did, thank goodness. I was tired and had a headache and just wanted to go home!

I have a cute short story to share with you. My Mom wrote it and said I could publish it in my new blog. So I’ll try to find it in my files and post it tomorrow.

It's a sweet story about a lost kitty...

The instructions for the angiogram I got today said ‘NO BENDING, STOOPING, OR LIFTING THREE DAYS AFTER THE PROCEDURE.’

That FREAKED me out too, I guess they don’t want you hemorraging or anything like that, but I have a feeling it will hurt more than I think.

SIGNED;
JOANNAJEAN