CH35 Year Update : Sadness

The Day His Prozac Kicked In

March, 2011

Well, March 1st was the year anniversary of my open heart surgery.

It is Sunday night and I was really and optimistic last week.

But today, I'm just as sad and gloomy as I was 5 YEARS ago.

I got a REALLY mean and insensitive EMAIL correspondence from Tom's sister.  I am not sure truly who it was from, but it's probably a HUGE part of the reason I am so sad and depressed right now.

I had started the new anti-depressive drug, Remiron, a week or so ago, and was really happy that I thought it was working.  I was starting to feel a little uplifted and motivated again.

But again, a day or so ago, all my feelings of sadness and defeatedness came crashing back.

I am so mad that Anna and Tom, and the family can still have such an effect on me.  I feel so beaten that their insincerity can still hurt me so much.

ALL I EVER ASKED FOR FROM TOM, WHAT I'VE BEEN ASKING FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS, IS FOR HIM TO GET SOME BALLS, COME TO ME IN PERSON, SAY HE IS SORRY FOR HURTING ME, LET ME SAY GOODBYE TO HIM, AND LET ME GIVE HIM ONE LAST HUG. 

But he WOULDN'T do that for me. 

I needed my last payment for medical insurance.  It was already money that Tom had agreed to give me, it had already been settled, but they had to play their little 'POWER' game and say 'YOU ONLY GET YOUR 'LIFE' MONEY IF U GIVE BACK HIS CAR KEY.'

I have emails saying that it was not a big deal, that I had it and he could have it back any time, in any way he wanted it.  I needed the $ within 48 hours, and instead of Tom simply driving up from Irvine, getting his key, and then giving me a check, the simplest implementation of this transaction they were insisting on.....no.....

IT HAD TO BE THEIR WAY;  I HAD TO SEND THE KEY TO ANNA IN N.C. AND THEN, AND ONLY THEN, WOULD SHE ALLOW A CHECK TO BE SENT TO ME FROM N.C. TO LONG BEACH.  WHATEVER SENSE THAT MAKES...to me, only seems like a cruel manifestation of the 'POWER' and cruelty they (think) they have over me.

Well, YES, THEY CERTAINLY HAVE THE POWER TO HURT ME TO THE POINT OF SEVERE AND EXCRUCIATING DEPRESSION AND PAIN.  And to be truthful, I think it gives them a sick, perverse sense of control, power, and satisfaction --

'ha ha - Joanna, u are so dumb, u deserve to suffer and be DEAD.'  I wish u were DEAD, but since I haven't killed u yet, well, I can torture you and hurt you a lot anyway, that's good enough for me....'

Well, if they had ever wanted to hurt a person like that.  They have succeeded. 

Tom, I only wanted to be married, and to love you, and to live a happy life together, or at least try, and have the vows of marriage together, to live old together, to have kids together, to have a life together... 

Why did u have to hurt me so bad? 

How come u will not resolve and help ease my depression by doing the single thing I've been begging for for so many years, just give me some closure.

To everyone out there...DON'T EVER GET DIVORCED.  It hurts too much. 

Tom, if u wanted to hurt me, you've succeeded.  I'm still in so much pain, I'm still crying your name at night.  If that's what u wanted, YOU WIN. 

I had been thinking of it, and I don't think I can get married again, not now. 

I'm too hurt, I loved you too much, I trusted you too much. 

I'm too scared of the world now. 

I can only get thru day by day. 

I don't know how my health will be 24 hours from now, so it is hard to schedule things. 

I am very sad. 

I hope I will feel better in the morning. 

I know my night tonight will be fitful and I will have sorrowful dreams about Tom. 

What makes me really really sad though is this:
I know, deep inside, there is good in him. 
That is the good that I loved. 
That is the good that I married. 

He hurt me so much, that I didn't pursue the full penalty towards him - that he legally owed me finanacially by law - because I would have too much on MY conscious to hurt him that way. 


I guess you could say that I have left that kind of punishment to a higher power, whatever that may be.  I couldn't handle putting that kind of pain on another person, even though people like him, his family, his sister, and people all over the world, have NO PROBLEM hurting other people in that way. 

I BELIEVE THERE R PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHO DO NOT HAVE A CONSCIOUS.

I BELIEVE THERE IS MORE HATE IN THIS WORLD THAN LOVE.

And that is what keeps me up at night, makes me cry out and sob, why, Tom, why?  I thought you were better than that, stronger than that! 

Tom, why did u hurt me SO BAD?
WHY DID U HURT ME, KNOWING HOW SENSITIVE I AM, AND HOW DEEPLY IT WOULD HURT ME? 
YOU LEFT A SCAR IN ME THAT GOES BEYOND LIFE AND DEATH, A PAINFUL SCAR THAT GOES BEYOND THE HUMAN BODY, THE HUMAN LIFE, THIS PLANE OF EXISTANCE, THE HEAVEN AND THE EARTH. 
THIS PAIN IS ETERNAL AND CAN BE SEEN IN THE EYES OF EVERY BEING, THAT EVER LIVED, THAT ALSO LIVED THRU THIS PAIN.

THIS PAIN IS ETERNAL.

I Know there are people who do and who have felt this type of pain. 

I have tried and continue to try to NOT cause or fan the flame of this pain, in any way, toward any creature, in any way.  I want to heal, to ease pain, and try to turn the tide of life more towards LOVE and away from HATE.  I know others try to do this too, I do not see it as a weakness.  I wish I had more courage to fight this EVIL and HATE.  But for now, the best i can do is just make it to the next day, and hope it will be better.

But I am not strong enough.  I said last year when I had to have my heart fixed, I told everyone that I did not have the STRENGTH OR COURAGE anymore to be the strong and kind person I was when I was young. 

I've been hurt too much and too deeply to try the world again.  That is why I hide, that is why I am scared.

I want to be happy again, but it doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon.  I face this month, not knowing if I will be able to afford my medical insurance.  I am even at the point now, that I plan a couple days ahead of time, to make sure I have the means to have enough food to get thru the day.

I am scared of the world.

I really hope tomorrow will be a little better, because I am very sad right now.

Best of luck to all of u struggling with similar problems. 

I love you and hope you are stronger than me.

Love,
JoannaJean

Ch34 JANUARY SUCKS

The Day His Prozac Kicked In - Ch34

January Sucks!

January has always sucked, ever since I was little, a long, depressing month.  I'm glad it's over, but the past decade or so, February has seemed ABSOLUTELY CURSED!  So I'm not looking forward to it, but I'll be prepared for it.  

Tom & I NEVER had a really nice Valentine's Day.  The day he proposed was Valentine's Day, so that was very nice and special.  

I'll always remember that tingly feeling that someone loves you.  It's a delicate, precious feeling, like you are standing tip-toe, keeping your balance on a dandelion, like a fairy or butterfly might do.  He was so nervous when he asked, even though we had already planned it and he knew I'd say yes.  

It was at the Colorado Lagoon, which everyone considers an icky eyesore of a place, but to me, it has always been magical.  It still is.

Another magical place is the Japanese Gardens at CSULB.  Talk about picture perfect!  I remember our wedding day there.  All I felt was pure joy, I look back and remember that all the guests were overcome by peace and happiness too.  Everything worked out,  it was AWESOME!

a few little non-perfect things - like I wanted them to play "She's Got Legs" by ZZTop (I think that's the name of the band...) - I wanted the DJ to play that song when Tom took the garter off my leg and threw it!  That would have been COOL!

I know Tom left me, but those places are still magical...the koi fish, all the guests were happy and visiting and wearing their nicest prettiest suits, dresses and hats.  My sister said angels were there too, she could see them, sense them... 

Everyone was happy.  When I walked toward the bridge to get married, Tom whispered that I was beautiful.  That meant so much to me and I blushed and felt so lucky that he had chosen me and loved me so much to say that!

I never suspected he would leave me.  How can he sleep at night?  This month was horrendous to me.  

I had planned to get a studio I had been waiting for, one I could afford and was special to me because a dear friend and HIS dear friend told me about it.  So that was the plan, but I woke up too quickly one night and SLAMMED my head into the dresser.  

I know I had a concussion and I think I even had 'raccoon eyes,' which I remember from school is a DEAD RINGER for a serious head injury.  I should have gone to the doctor right away, but I was sooooo afraid of being admitted into those hard beds at St. Marys.  

Then 2 more things happened as I lay in bed, hiding my phone in the laundry basket in the other room because the phone buzzing kept FREAKING me out...

One, it was Tom's birthday.  So I was thinking of him and being sad, KNOWING HE WASN'T THINKING OF ME, THAT HE JUST DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL ANYMORE.

Then I realized the 6 months were up and there was no more money for COBRA, so I FREAKED AGAIN and couldn't make it to the pharmacy anyway, so I stopped taking A LOT, well, MOST of my medications because I was worried about money.  I was scared.   

So I was feeling terrible, sick, shaky, hopeless, and angry that I couldn't do anything because of banging my head.  I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't eat.  I tried to hide and stay in my room.  I didn't want to be any MORE of a burden to my parents.  I felt incredibly guilty...I've already asked them for so much help.  

I was a wreck, I didn't answer calls, canceled my appointments because I wanted to save money and not pay for the co-payments.  

I had basically lost my will and just wanted to sleep.  I just wanted to sleep!

I feel a little better now.  I'm eating better, trying to walk more.  I want to go out, but then I get scared and get an anxiety attack.  But I am feeling a tiny bit stronger. 

Worst was the hallucinations.  I saw ants on the ceiling, hundreds of them, on the ceiling above my bed.  What TOTALLY FREAKED me out is that I got the flashlight and told Mom and Susan about the ants - THEY WERE NOT THERE!  I could see them plain as day, but they were NOT THERE.  That FREAKED ME OUT!  

Then one Saturday, another sleepless night, I was kept up until 6am by 94.7 FM that I was picking up in my ears, in Stanton.  Then the next day, I swore I heard that the Jersey Shore people were in the house and wanted to talk to me.  

It was all completely real to me, and the fact that it was crazy SCARED ME to death!

I still make the same wish though everytime I pick up a dandelion and blow away all the seeds.  Even though he wrote a horribly insensitive and downright CRUEL email saying he is getting married and to NEVER talk to him again, and he was going to put me on a restraining order (completely ridiculous, I replied).  And he still owes me $700 for the extra cost of COBRA those 6 months...

I was thinking of this last night when I couldn't sleep (as usual), it's the engraving on the tombstone of our marriage.  It reads something like this:

A Broken Marriage

The love you had for me, you shut the gate on it.

I sobbed so many tears, have had so much hope...

May the happy memories live forever,

and the hope of your love again remain...

as a small ray of eternal hope.

The broken promises continue to squeeze, tear, and rip my heart, what has happened is truly a death.

Rest in Peace, 

but the tiny glittery chance of hope will always remain in my heart, Because Love does not die, 

and neither does hope.

Love,

JOANNAJEAN