Chapter 21: ALONE

I never thought I would have to EVER feel this way...so lost, so alone. I felt un-cared for...like everything could spill out of my body, just like it is right now, and no one would care, i would just kind of dissolve as I drifted to the floor. Finally, when the nurse came in, she'd just look at me, raise her eyes to heaven, sigh, and say...'now look at this mess I have to clean up....'




that's how i felt during one of the WORST times i've had at that hospital...what is missing is how light i felt, i felt like a feather, not just because i weighed so little, but because i felt light, light like no one cared, which is pretty much the harsh truth of what it was, at that point, i was pretty much just a hassle, to everyone and everything, except...when i think about it, i knew i wasn't going to die, i actually just accepted that for that moment, i wasn't important, and no one cared what i felt or what was happening to me...you know...ALONE...



so the nuts and bolts of it is this; it was that friday, the day where almost all the tubes were taken out, everyone was in a hurry to finish everything up by noon or by 4pm, which ever they could get away with...the hallway was busy, clamor here, slam there, footsteps, footsteps, pound, pound, pound...happy voices, sighs, laughs, more sighs, those strange BANGS on my door when someone would be walking down the hall, remember something and turn on their heels real quick, in turn, banging on MY door, freaking me, a newly-cut heart patient - alone, out like crazy...anyway....



i hadn't had lunch, because i knew it was friday, my stomach was upset because i was nervous, because i knew they were going to pull out the chest tube and i was afraid to eat because then M and Dr. A would walk in, see me eating, and say 'oh, we don't want to disturb you, we'll come back in a few minutes,' which on 7th floor (on a Friday, especially) meant, 'you lost your chance, gal' (in other words, they WOULDN'T be back...anyone who's EVER been a patient in the hospital, knows that scam...)



anyway, so i hadn't had lunch, i had a bite, spaghetti, it was actually pretty good, but i swore i heard M and Dr. A talking (Dr. A has a VERY DEEP resounding voice, and M's voice is UNMISTAKABLE with her thick, yet sort of lofty, english accent...) i was afraid my stomach would rumble or something and i REALLY, DESPERATELY wanted that TUBE OUT RIGHT AWAY...it was DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!

JOANNAJEAN
(part II next)

Chapter 16; reminded of the CHEST TUBE...

Chapter 16; reminded of the Chest Tube...

Besides the surgery itself and the lengthy and PAINFUL recovery, when i look back, one of the three AWFUL things about being in the hospital this time was the CHEST TUBE.

First of all, it came as a SURPRISE.  They had taken out the chest tubes that they had put in during the surgery on the 1st, but i knew there was some trouble when the tube looked clotted, but no one said anything.

Apparently, the tube DID clog, so that's why they took it out.  It was a very small diameter.

It was around 9pm and the surgeon said "this is what we have to do.  there is fluid in your left lung according to the Chest x-ray.  But it's no big deal, finish your dinner..."

Well, i couldn't really eat after that.  My dad had just left, and i was alone.  Strangely enough, i had visitors, in the ICU no less, very kind of them and Mr. D gave me a word of advice that i actually used throughout my hospital stay...he said, "This will pass," and he's right!

So the surgeon and the RN prepped me and gave me shots and shots of lidocaine.  i had only seen a chest tube put in once in medical school by an intern and the attending, and it looked horrible!

The lidocaine helped but i would have liked to have some sedation like valium or something so i wouldn't hurt so much.

he kept saying 'don't close your eyes, look at me,' which made my body relax more but i was still as stressed out.

i could feel the cut and them putting the tube in, then the soft tube and pushing it through.  the lidocaine was ok, until he hit some SPOT an all this fluid came gushing out, like 600cc's.

there was a lot of 'referred pain' because of the trauma put on the nerve which affects the intercostal nerves.

Then, out of nowhere, i started screaming in pain!  I cried, "what is that!  why does it hurt soooo much???"

Dr. A calmly explained that it was good, meant the lung was opening up (it had been collapsed from all the fluid) and as it re-inflates fully, it affects all those nerves, those intercostal nerves and that's why it hurt.

Well, it RUINED my whole night.  I was hungry because i didn't get to finish my dinner, and i had HORRIBLE muscle spasms in my back because of the referred pain, and i had spasms EVERY time i breathed. 

I didn't get any sleep, even with pain medication, until about 3am, and then i only slept for 2 hours.

So, having the Chest tube in, and then finally taking it out, is a whole other chapter, both of them pretty bad.

JOANNAJEAN