ch19: another note on the divorce...broken vows...

chapter19; aversion....broken vows
another note on the divorce.....



it's 330am and i cannot sleep. 

i am scared because any day now the divorce is going to be final and i will for real be all alone in my life. 

that's how i feel.  when that paper comes in the mail or i get that email, i'll be DEVASTATED...

T was / is the only man i've loved, the only man i've ever wanted to love, and the only man I ever want to love, and i feel that when the divorce is final, that'll be it...i'll be devastated and just be nothing,

i'll feel dissolved and alone...

i'll have no motivation for anything and i feel like i'll never be happy about anything really, ever again. 

i'm already starting to feel like that.  and i don't think i'll be able to handle it...it's just not fair...

aversion...i don't like that word, i think it is unfair...there was one more point i wanted to make,

T, i don't think i will be very enthusiastic about this life if i don't get to live it with you. 

life had color and meaning when i was with you...

and goals meant something to me when i had them to share with you...

we've been apart over 2 years, i still dream about u every night and usually wake up crying because u r not there next to me, like u used to be

and i'm still sad i don't get to hold your hand and i don't get to say 'i love you' and get to hear you say it back...

with a failed marriage, i think i will always be sad. 

this isn't like a suicide thing, i just know that my life will never be as happy as it was with you, T.  i don't think you realize how much you meant to me, every minute of every day... 

i've lived 33 years and even though i haven't been through everything there is to go through, i'd say i'd had more than my fair share, and i was able to get through it, and go forward, knowing you'd be at my side, no-matter what,

now that that belief has been shattered, never in a million years, did i think you'd leave...i trusted that we'd be together no matter what...

i don't believe my life will ever have the happiness and color that it did when i knew u loved me as a wife, and that out of all the girls you could have chosen, you picked me...

that always meant the world to me....

that's just how i feel and i pray you might still change your mind, but i know you won't and my heart will always be broken.  

i just had to mention that, and that i'm still sad. 

p.s.  i still look at my engagement diamond ring and golden wedding ring every day (now that i have it...) and i've just about gained enough weight now (i lost so much during the surgery and weeks afterwards), that it almost fits again...

it fits on my finger just like the day you proposed to me, and the day we got married and you put the wedding band on my finger and we said our VOWS...

they both fit now...that is sad to me...i always wanted to wear them every day we were married, but i know they would have fallen off or got misplaced or something when i washed my hands or something. 

the point is, they fit now, my wedding rings fit....

there was something else i wanted to say, but i forget...i love you, T. 

Please don't leave me, don't divorce me, please???


JOANNAJEAN

ch12;scared?

Ch12;scared?

there's a song, i'm pretty sure by faster pussycat called scared...i remember requesting it on KNAC or Pirate Radio when I was like 12 alone in Memorial Hospital...THEY PLAYED IT...

I hate going to see the doctor...all she said today, with wide eyes was...

'go over "Five Wishes" with your Mom, 'go over the 'quality of life that is important with you with your mom'...'make sure you make lots of copies of that "Five Wishes" and send one to us...'

she said...

"you are resistant to a lot of pain medicines....be aware that it's going to hurt, and they probably won't be able to control it..."

she said...

"this is a BIG, MAJOR surgery..."

i asked her..."did they magnify that chest x-ray?  my heart looks HUGE?"

she said..."yeah, THE HEART IS enlarged..."

she said she talked to the cardiologist...he said..."yeah, now's her window to have the surgery..."  looking at the computer, typing something in...she says to me...

"so you do know if you don't have the surgery now...you'll go into heart failure...yeah...that can be fatal..."

i'm not mad at her...she's doing her job...a job I WANTED TO DO TOO!  i'm glad i was by myself...i'm glad mom or dad wasn't there, i didn't have to be brave, i didn't have to sit up straight and pretend i wasn't nervous or hurting, i could look weak, i didn't have to look anyone in the eye, i could hunch over because i hurt, i didn't have to pretend...

oh, and she said...

"be sure you discuss with your mom if there are any complications how much 'quality of life' means to you..."

I said..."well, I don't want to be starved..."

I said..."but I don't want to be kept in a coma for more than a couple weeks..."

"but i think I have to think about the other things...'quality of life..."

don't want to be like chris reeves, he was miserable, i read his book...

don't want to be like the vegas lion tamer guy...he was in too much pain...don't want to hurt and be tortured by hurt or hunger, or wither away like the lady who crumbled away (remember, she was the big issue before the POPE died...)

I asked..."how does a heart-lung machine work..."

she said "i'm not sure, ask the surgeon..."

I said..."the surgeon doesn't need to see me...and I'm out of pain patches...."

well, she said "I don't want anyone to think u r doctor shopping..."

I started to sob..."i hate when people think that of me...it makes me feel horrible..."

i mean u can see the kyphoplasty on my side-ways x-ray...

my dad gave blood, THANK YOU DAD...but why was he SO MAD???  he seemed so mad about it...it made me sad...

the whole time I thought of T...but kept it mostly to myself...all our memories...he may have been BORED by all the little things...but i remember the little details, cherish the little memories, the times i made him smile, the quick trips to Wendys when we lived in POMONA...

i wanted to talk about him all day...all the little things i remember...but i know i won't see him...

he doesn't care...he doesn't care...he doesn't care...

forget about him...'everyone says that to me' forget about him...but they

DON'T HAVE A FLOWER CALLED 'FORGET ABOUT HIM'...

THEY HAVE A FLOWER CALLED

FORGET ME NOT...

but no one wants to hear about it....

i didn't sleep a wink last night....my heart pounds...i think maybe i'm so scared, i don't want to feel it...

she shouldn't have said 'it's going to hurt so much that they won't be able to control it...'

i've been saying the past 5 days thats MY WORST FEAR...

one week...i won't be here to pet the kitties...Tiny purrs when i say his name...

Daisy makes a 'currrdddly' sound when she comes aaround for attention....

Lucky sleeps in a little basket that's too small for him...

Mirage hears voices...

Lucy is mean for the fun of it, then waddles away like in that Disney move, i think the aristocrats, never saw it...

Missy works all day to keep her winter coat perfect and fluffy, she gorgeous...

afraid to go to sleep, don't know if i'll be scared tomorrow, everyone's being nice to me,

except the one person who i want to care about me, but i can't say it to anyone, they'll just think i'm dumb...but it was my / our wedding, i was happy, why did he just leave....

he chose his life over mine....

i just want to know he cares...i'm mad i can't talk about it, i'm mad i can't say to anyone how much it hurts, i'm mad about what he said in that email...i thought he loved me a lot...it sucks....

next week, i'll be alone, hurting, tired, cut up, i DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN, complications?  maybe....

why couldn't he just give me a hug goodbye...it's just not fair...not fair, not fair, not fair...

i'm the one who has to hurt....not fair..

i worked so hard to eat, be a good girl, gain weight...not fair, only gained 2 pounds...

i thought he loved me, i thought he cared about me...i don't feel stupid that i love him

...i want to crawl in his head and know how he can sleep at night....he knows how i feel....

IT'S NOT FAIR...IT'S GONNA HURT...I'M GONNA BE ALONE...i don't wanna be brave...

what else can i say....i just want a hug goodbye and a 'you didn't ruin my life...'

NOT FAIR!!!!!!

take care...

JOANNAJEAN....