CH32
I am sad. I feel like since I'm not on the 'verge of death' now, that people have stopped thinking or caring about me. I don't know what to do now, and I still have dreams about T and I am sad about going through the rest of my life by myself. I guess you'd call that depression, but I'm taking all my anti-depressives. I just have no motivation to do anything. I don't know if it is because I'm tired, or because I've failed so much that I'm scared to try and have lost all my courage. I feel like my parents resent me because I've sucked the life out of them because they had to take care of me throughout all the divorce pain, major surgery pains, and all that. I'm just sad and I get scared thinking to go outside and try to do something normal because I have no confidence that I can do anything by myself because I'm afraid to get sick and not be able to get home and all that. I feel like I've used up all the 'favors' that people would give to me and that I'm not allowed to ask for any more help. I feel insecure and sad because one thing is I wanted to see my oldest brother and my niece but they won't return my emails. I know they are VERY busy, but I feel like they don't like me and they are too busy even to say hi to me. I am just sad and don't know what to do to be happy. Yeah, I'd call that depression. I even stamped 'VOID' all over my arms and legs because I'm sad, and that's how I feel lately, like I'm worthless and not worth anything, and I should be nulled out and 'VOIDED' like a bad check. I'm just really sad. I really wanted to be a doctor, I wanted to get a job, but afraid they'll take away all my government benefits, scared to go out on my own, I guess I don't know how to be happy, and I don't want to bug anyone, so I just hide in my room, so that no one will be bugged by me. I am also really shaken about the little kitty that died. She died right in my arms and was crying and meowing, and I tried to save her and she died anyway. I felt like I wasn't good enough and I failed. A lot of people I know have new babies, or have happy marriages and children who love them. I feel like I'm just a nuisance and I don't know why I'm still alive. I miss being married, because he loved me and cared for me. I didn't have to ask for it and I liked being able to be important for someone else's life. I'm just really sad, and I'm so worried about money that I feel guilty going shopping. I just feel worthless and sad. And I've tried to read the Bible, that's supposed to feel better, but it's such a sad story, it just makes me feel sadder. At least that's what I've got from it so far. I don't have any faith in myself anymore. I'm just sad.
Love, Joanna
Love, Joanna
