Chapter 21: ALONE: part IV

Chapter 21:  ALONE:  part V

looking back, i don't see how i didn't faint, all of that fluid coming out of me at once, maybe because it wasn't in my central circulatory system, it was just like accessory excess fluid, that it didn't affect my blood pressure or anything.




anyway, back to subject, i wobbled to the bathroom, holding my gown so it wouldn't get more soaked and so i wouldn't trip on it. i weeble-wobbled toward the bathroom, and an aide with a mop walked in just as i reached the bathroom door.



she just looked at me, the mess, the bed, then back at me who was holding my gown in one hand and the IV pole in another hand. her eyes got real wide and she said 'what happened here!' in a voice that got high pitched at the end of her sentence, and in her southern accent. she just looked, she didn't know what to do.



i, myself, was a little aghast about the scene and in disbelief how bloody everything was. I just stood there, trying to keep my composure, and said, 'i'm ok...it's fluid from the chest tube. M just took the chest tube out of me. I had to pee.'



she never asked if i was ok. but she sure was shocked. she turned around to get G and i continued to the bathroom. I just had to pee so i didn't take long. G and the cleaning lady walked in and they mumbled amongst each other. I just stood there, helpless, what could i do or say, it wasn't my fault. I think i said, among their mumbling, 'i'm sorry,' in a weak voice...



Finally G got her nursing composure back and said, 'i'll handle it, i'll take care of it, i'll just clean it up, ok?'



so she left to get some linens and i hobbled back toward the bed. she had me sit on the chair, still dripping a little and completley naked and shaking and trembling.



i was tired, spent, and a little ashamed at the mess i had made, but there was nothing i could do, i was so tired but i sat up straight because i'd be MORE tired if i had to sit slumped.



i felt bad for G, i know she had other things to do for other patients, and i think she had been having a difficult day anyway in general, and she had to stop everything and tend to the mess i made.



but she did it, didn't complain, like a good old-fashioned nurse, did what she had to do, changed the bed linens, cleaned up the splatters on the floor, and put a new gown on me, all within a few minutes.



i still felt bad about it. we got me back in the bed with plenty of those incontinence pads on the bed this time, and she put on another dressing with a LOT of tape.



then finally i had a chance to catch my breath again, but boy was i tired. i was so tired, i was too tired to catch my breath!

JOANNAJEAN
(part VI next...)

ch21; ALONE; part III

Chapter 21; ALONE; part III

so i lay there for just a few minutes. they left, closed the curtain and i was trying to catch my breath and get in a comfortable position. but i wasn't comfortable. i had to get up, sit up. i'm not sure, i think i had to pee, or i felt uncomfortable because i was laying on a wrinkle or something, so...i had to figure this out...




'how am i going to move...how am i going to maneuver it so i can sit on the side of the bed?' so i just kind of slithered and stopped, slithered and stopped until i got into the position i wanted, sitting on the side of the bed. 'there, that feels a little better,' i thought in my head as i waited and caught my breath again...



the minute my body began to relax, just a little bit, is when more fluid leaked out...i expected it...it was very warm, but i knew it wasn't frank blood and that it wouldn't 'hurt' me or anything.



i couldn't see how much there was, because it was kinda leaking out of the corner of me, and i couldn't really bend my neck that way at the moment, but i could DEFINATELY feel it DRIPPING out of the dressing, which was starting to concern me because i was tired and i knew the dressing was going to have to be re-done and i really was tired...



but then i had to pee, and i was tired, so i stood up. there it was, the moment when i felt LIGHT and ALONE and UN-WORTHWHILE to the WORLD...



as i straightened up and turned on my tippy toe and heel toward the bathroom, i felt like half of my body just - warmly - slipped and fell out of me. i was and felt COMPLETELY HELPLESS as the fluid drenched my gown, it looked like diluted blood, which it pretty much was...



it dripped and as i turned, it even POURED, gushing even at a point, out of the wound on my lower left chest. it dripped and splattered on the floor, and i stepped a little away from the bed because i knew it would be easier for them to clean it up off the floor than off the bed linens.



i just sighed and let it happen. like i said, i was helpless, i had an IV going, i was weak, there wasn't much i could do, and it certainly wasn't my fault.



so i took a moment, one to catch my breath again, and two, to remember this moment and how i felt, how light and insignificant i felt. i let myself feel very very sorry for myself. looking back, i let myself feel quite pathetic for awhile, and didn't feel bad about it, it was a pathetic moment.

JOANNAJEAN
(part IV next...)