Ch29-Recovery?

Chapter29-Recovery?

Been awhile since I wrote...

1.  Divorce still not final.  Don't want it to be...

2.  From what I gather from my minimal contact with T (infrequent and brief emails...) he's as miserable as I am...

3.  By that rationale...we should be together and work things out, we'd still be miserable, but at least (I think) we'd feel like we are doing the RIGHT thing...

4.  Cardiac Recovery - It's REALLY hard to get all the way across town to get to the Cardiac Rehab place at the hospital.  I can't drive that far yet.

5.  But, the one time I've gone, it was REALLY good.  It's a wonderful program, but I think after a couple more sessions, I'll just work out at the gym across the street from me, so much easier to get to, I just have to MAKE myself go a couple times a week...

6.  But i am frustrated with my recovery.  I think part of it may be my fault, since I'm not pushing myself 100%, but like I said when these 2 surgeries started, way back in October, 'I've been thru all this for over 20 years, I'm tired of being good and tough all the time, just tired of it...'

7.  It's hard having to do a divorce and try to get strong and recover from the surgery - simultaneously.  Too much.  I don't know what my place is anymore, I don't know what I am supposed to be doing...I don't know what I am supposed to do.

8.  Before, I knew...ok, get good grades to get a good job.  ok, that makes sense.  Also, my role was, wife-try to make T happy.  So I knew what to do before.  Now, I feel lost...and tired, sad, lonesome for T, guilty for bugging my Mom and Dad, worthless for not having a job, frustrated with my recovery, etc.

CH11-Happier Day today

Ch11:Happier Day Today...
The Day His Prozac Kicked in...

I've been feeling bad that I'm not making any MONEY. 

I've been making BRACELETS and trying to sell them on EBAY, but no luck selling anything,

*****WHAT IS EASY TO SELL ON EBAY so I can feel better and make a little MONEY and feel a little BETTER?****

I like CRASHED today until 2pm because I have trouble FALLING ASLEEP. 

Also, My heart is POUNDING A LOT, which makes me nervous and resting helps it CALM DOWN...

My BROTHER B sent me some pretty pictures of where he lives in WASHINGTON, and that was nice, I like his pictures...

I got to go to STRAW HAT PIZZA with A, J, and R today, and my Mom, Dad, and Sister. 

That was nice too. 

I see the DOCTOR (PRIMARY) for all my PRE-OP X-RAYS, BLOOD TESTS, EKG and stuff.  I need an important REFILL on a PRESCRIPTION...

I hope she gives it to me, because having to go to another DOCTOR on such short notice will be hard...

I also have to call the RED CROSS tomorrow to see if my DAD CAN DONATE BLOOD for me. 

I don't know how long it takes to PROCESS the blood, and it doesn't really seem like he wants to DONATE for me this time around, I'm not sure why...

I'm still UPSET about what T said in that email the other day, i think it was RATHER CRUEL...but I haven't answered him back...

I have a feeling he was MAD because I asked help for $$$, I didn't ask him for the WHOLE AMOUNT i needed, so I don't know why it made him so mad...

but anyway...I didn't answer it back, and I have a feeling he's keeping himself really busy because he feels bad about it...

I didn't think much today about how much the surgery will HURT.  I hope I will HEAL quicker and feel good, more energy and stuff...

I feel GUILTY when I am not doing anything PRODUCTIVE, that's why I like(d) TEACHING and MEDICINE...and it's frustrating when I am feeling weak and can't do much...

I would like to TEACH again...that would make me feel good, even TUTORING helps again.

I wanted to go GAMBLING before my surgery, but I think I'm just too TIRED to do that, and I don't think my DAD really wants to take me...that's ok...

...maybe I can save up some MONEY and go on a trip to RIVIERA after my surgery, that would be FUN...and if no one will go with me, maybe I can do it MYSELF. 

I could get a TAXI from the airport and just stay inside at the RIVIERA, maybe it wouldn't be that bad...

I'll TRY to let u know what happens TOMORROW with all the PRE-OP tests. 

I'm NOT looking forward to it because it's REALLY REALLY going to TIRE ME OUT.

TAKE CARE,

JOANNAJEAN...