CH35 Year Update : Sadness

The Day His Prozac Kicked In

March, 2011

Well, March 1st was the year anniversary of my open heart surgery.

It is Sunday night and I was really and optimistic last week.

But today, I'm just as sad and gloomy as I was 5 YEARS ago.

I got a REALLY mean and insensitive EMAIL correspondence from Tom's sister.  I am not sure truly who it was from, but it's probably a HUGE part of the reason I am so sad and depressed right now.

I had started the new anti-depressive drug, Remiron, a week or so ago, and was really happy that I thought it was working.  I was starting to feel a little uplifted and motivated again.

But again, a day or so ago, all my feelings of sadness and defeatedness came crashing back.

I am so mad that Anna and Tom, and the family can still have such an effect on me.  I feel so beaten that their insincerity can still hurt me so much.

ALL I EVER ASKED FOR FROM TOM, WHAT I'VE BEEN ASKING FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS, IS FOR HIM TO GET SOME BALLS, COME TO ME IN PERSON, SAY HE IS SORRY FOR HURTING ME, LET ME SAY GOODBYE TO HIM, AND LET ME GIVE HIM ONE LAST HUG. 

But he WOULDN'T do that for me. 

I needed my last payment for medical insurance.  It was already money that Tom had agreed to give me, it had already been settled, but they had to play their little 'POWER' game and say 'YOU ONLY GET YOUR 'LIFE' MONEY IF U GIVE BACK HIS CAR KEY.'

I have emails saying that it was not a big deal, that I had it and he could have it back any time, in any way he wanted it.  I needed the $ within 48 hours, and instead of Tom simply driving up from Irvine, getting his key, and then giving me a check, the simplest implementation of this transaction they were insisting on.....no.....

IT HAD TO BE THEIR WAY;  I HAD TO SEND THE KEY TO ANNA IN N.C. AND THEN, AND ONLY THEN, WOULD SHE ALLOW A CHECK TO BE SENT TO ME FROM N.C. TO LONG BEACH.  WHATEVER SENSE THAT MAKES...to me, only seems like a cruel manifestation of the 'POWER' and cruelty they (think) they have over me.

Well, YES, THEY CERTAINLY HAVE THE POWER TO HURT ME TO THE POINT OF SEVERE AND EXCRUCIATING DEPRESSION AND PAIN.  And to be truthful, I think it gives them a sick, perverse sense of control, power, and satisfaction --

'ha ha - Joanna, u are so dumb, u deserve to suffer and be DEAD.'  I wish u were DEAD, but since I haven't killed u yet, well, I can torture you and hurt you a lot anyway, that's good enough for me....'

Well, if they had ever wanted to hurt a person like that.  They have succeeded. 

Tom, I only wanted to be married, and to love you, and to live a happy life together, or at least try, and have the vows of marriage together, to live old together, to have kids together, to have a life together... 

Why did u have to hurt me so bad? 

How come u will not resolve and help ease my depression by doing the single thing I've been begging for for so many years, just give me some closure.

To everyone out there...DON'T EVER GET DIVORCED.  It hurts too much. 

Tom, if u wanted to hurt me, you've succeeded.  I'm still in so much pain, I'm still crying your name at night.  If that's what u wanted, YOU WIN. 

I had been thinking of it, and I don't think I can get married again, not now. 

I'm too hurt, I loved you too much, I trusted you too much. 

I'm too scared of the world now. 

I can only get thru day by day. 

I don't know how my health will be 24 hours from now, so it is hard to schedule things. 

I am very sad. 

I hope I will feel better in the morning. 

I know my night tonight will be fitful and I will have sorrowful dreams about Tom. 

What makes me really really sad though is this:
I know, deep inside, there is good in him. 
That is the good that I loved. 
That is the good that I married. 

He hurt me so much, that I didn't pursue the full penalty towards him - that he legally owed me finanacially by law - because I would have too much on MY conscious to hurt him that way. 


I guess you could say that I have left that kind of punishment to a higher power, whatever that may be.  I couldn't handle putting that kind of pain on another person, even though people like him, his family, his sister, and people all over the world, have NO PROBLEM hurting other people in that way. 

I BELIEVE THERE R PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHO DO NOT HAVE A CONSCIOUS.

I BELIEVE THERE IS MORE HATE IN THIS WORLD THAN LOVE.

And that is what keeps me up at night, makes me cry out and sob, why, Tom, why?  I thought you were better than that, stronger than that! 

Tom, why did u hurt me SO BAD?
WHY DID U HURT ME, KNOWING HOW SENSITIVE I AM, AND HOW DEEPLY IT WOULD HURT ME? 
YOU LEFT A SCAR IN ME THAT GOES BEYOND LIFE AND DEATH, A PAINFUL SCAR THAT GOES BEYOND THE HUMAN BODY, THE HUMAN LIFE, THIS PLANE OF EXISTANCE, THE HEAVEN AND THE EARTH. 
THIS PAIN IS ETERNAL AND CAN BE SEEN IN THE EYES OF EVERY BEING, THAT EVER LIVED, THAT ALSO LIVED THRU THIS PAIN.

THIS PAIN IS ETERNAL.

I Know there are people who do and who have felt this type of pain. 

I have tried and continue to try to NOT cause or fan the flame of this pain, in any way, toward any creature, in any way.  I want to heal, to ease pain, and try to turn the tide of life more towards LOVE and away from HATE.  I know others try to do this too, I do not see it as a weakness.  I wish I had more courage to fight this EVIL and HATE.  But for now, the best i can do is just make it to the next day, and hope it will be better.

But I am not strong enough.  I said last year when I had to have my heart fixed, I told everyone that I did not have the STRENGTH OR COURAGE anymore to be the strong and kind person I was when I was young. 

I've been hurt too much and too deeply to try the world again.  That is why I hide, that is why I am scared.

I want to be happy again, but it doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon.  I face this month, not knowing if I will be able to afford my medical insurance.  I am even at the point now, that I plan a couple days ahead of time, to make sure I have the means to have enough food to get thru the day.

I am scared of the world.

I really hope tomorrow will be a little better, because I am very sad right now.

Best of luck to all of u struggling with similar problems. 

I love you and hope you are stronger than me.

Love,
JoannaJean

CH8:Valentine's Day For the Broken Hearted...

Ch8; the broken hearted...

I was a 'good girl,' and sent out some Valentines to let others know they are loved and are being thought of...(i bit my lip)

But after the 8th, "She'll love you even more..." diamond ring commercial, ok, I just lost it!!! I needed to KICK SOMETHING!

and now the weekend, all the couples are going to be out there in force, RUBBING IT IN our faces, to the people who have failed in LOVE.

my wedding was, perfect, at least to me and T. the whole time I said 'I'm so happy!'
Now we are apart. He says he's happy. BUT, I don't think he is. I've begged him for one last hug, one last kiss, one last goodbye, and he REFUSES.

And now I find out that the agreement we had - that we would mutually sign one settlement agreement - and then send it to the judge. NOW, he tells me the rules changed,

It makes me sad. I wanted to be with him forever. I cannot get over the pain, i'm scared of having to go thru the surgery where HE BROKE MY HEART. it's not fair T, what about me?

It's not fair how u left me. Just left me an email saying you'll be gone until thursday and i was to be 'out' by then. I called you on the way to the airport and you said, we have to get a divorce...I started screaming hysterically,

i tried to reach you but was lost and sobbing, i had missed you,

T, haven't you realized that i'm miserable? you can CHANGE YOUR MIND, and let us be together again, it's ok to change your mind!

don't divorce me. please think about it. i want to be with you, want to hear you breathe as you fall asleep...

JOANNAJEAN

CH7: Date of my surgery...

ch7; the date of my open heart surgery is march 1st,2010, a monday...

I can't sleep again, so i thought i'd give a quick update...

I am sad because a month from now I will be hurting and alone with no one to hold my hand. They are basically reconstructing half of my heart,

and to tell you the truth, i think it was T who literally BROKE my heart. he can (and has run away) from the situation, but i can't. and today the insurance called and i have to call them back tomorrow, there is some kind of problem, which i don't get because i have a PPO insurance.

and with the divorce proceedings...now T says i'm NOT to sign the papers and he is going to do it default through his attorney. so now our plan is all befuddled and i have mixed feelings about it.

i hope maybe he'll change his mind and if i recover from the heart surgery strongly, which will make me happier, and depending on how i feel i can get a job and maybe fight for my diploma again...

he is stubborn, like his dad, and doesn't think he can change his mind and let me back into his life in 'baby steps...'

anyway, that is my update for now. i've been really weak since i went on the cipro, but that's better than being nauseated. and my groin still hurts from the angiogram i had. those things are NASTY!

i have another cute kitty story that my Mom wrote, i'll include it in my next chapter. and try to get a picture too.

take care,
JOANNAJEAN