ch14; My Surgery is Tomorrow...
the day his prozac kicked in...
Wish me luck...i think it will go ok...
i will sleep most of the day which is fine by me, they said they would try to keep me sedated and try to keep the pain under control the best they can...
i just hope there r no complications and everything goes smooth and it doesn't hurt too much...
T finally wrote me an email back to me which i appreciated because i just wanted to know that he still cared about me and stuff...
i don't know what will happen...i know what i WANT to happen...but no one knows why things happen, if that makes any sense...
Anyway, i hope everyone has a nice week, that's about all i can really think of to say...
JOANNAJEAN
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
ch13;friday
ch13;friday
the day his prozac kicked in...
i saw the doctor on monday, i've been upset ever since. THAT is why i haven't written...
i had trouble on wednesday getting my pain medication. i must be blacklisted...
do u know how it feels to be accussed of 'drug seeking' when it's obvious u have chronic, back wrenching pain, ALL THE TIME...
it makes me feel like people don't care about me.
my parents and sister have been very nice to me.
my 'mother-in-law' was nice enough to drop off my DVDs and my diamond ring which i have been asking for for 2 years...
but T hasn't answered me back...i feel like no one cares about me, it would mean so much to me if i knew he cared, if he called, if he came over to say goodbye, or even just to visit...
am i even worth this huge surgery that i have to do?
it's going to hurt, and i will have no husband to hold my hand, to comfort me,
i don't know if most people understand, but it's a big difference when your husband is there for you, it's a different bond than a family bond...
and i'm going to hurt and be scared, and my parents can't help much because they don't want me to love T anymore,
but i can't help it, u feel what u feel.
sorry i have not written since monday or whatever.
it was nice to see my neice, but it wore me out.
and now i want to have a baby too because she is so sweet, and i am sad i cannot see her again for a long time.
i try to sleep so i am not sad.
i am not brave enough right now to 'face it' and be brave. it's going to hurt and i know it, and it's going to hurt for a long, long while.
i got back my diamond ring (finally) today, but when i looked at it, there was no love there, it was dull, kinda 'spitting me in the face',
saying 'ha ha, your husband doesn't love u anymore...' ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, you are not worth anything anymore, ha ha ha ha, it was all a big joke...that's how i feel...
it doesn't even fit on me anymore because i lost so much weight, and i found out that the blood test from monday said i am anemic.
great, going into heart surgery, when i'm anemic, is not a good sign...
going into heart surgery when i'm only 100 pounds is not a good sign...
going into heart surgery when i am sad because my husband doesn't care and won't even see me or call me or email me to say, 'i care, and good luck...'
that's the worst for me because i believe in 'mind over matter' and that attitude and how u feel when you go into surgery makes a big difference.
knowing that T doesn't care makes a HUGE difference...it makes me more scared...
...the cats are giving me very, very strange stares, like they know i will be leaving...
i am afraid my guardian angels are not watching over me here on earth anymore, i am afraid they are waiting for me in heaven.
i can't sleep at night...
i'm afraid of the pain the surgery will be...why did god, or whoever is in charge, do this to me...
and if i am in pain, and they can't control it, they will just let me suffer...maybe they don't care either...
i liked when T cared about me...it gave me strength and motivation to get better...my family is being nice to me, but only because, i think, they have to be nice to me...
i don't have a good feeling about this.
i am scared and i am going to be alone. i need T to hold my hand...he doesn't have to be there all the time, just a little bit to hold my hand, he doesn't even have to say anything...
this hospital is the farthest one from my home, my parents will only be only be able to visit me for a little bit, maybe even not every day!
it will be too hard on them. it will be too hard on them to help me when i get home.
i know they don't want to have to help me, it's too hard, on everyone,
i don't have the confidence, strength, courage, and not going to be able to be brave.
i get so tired lately...
i have to have the surgery. i don't know how well i will recover.
T helped me so much,
how can he sleep at night knowing how hard this is for me...
...how hard he is making it for my parents.
i've asked almost everyone i know to ask him to help, to do at least SOMETHING, no luck.
i am sad and scared, and cannot sleep, and i get sooooo tired and my heart pounds and pounds and pounds.
i wanted to have a baby the same time my niece was born. it's just not fair.
i don't know how to get through the weekend. i want to be brave, but i have a feeling i will just get more scared as Monday comes closer.
why am i being punished? it's not fair...
JOANNAJEAN
the day his prozac kicked in...
i saw the doctor on monday, i've been upset ever since. THAT is why i haven't written...
i had trouble on wednesday getting my pain medication. i must be blacklisted...
do u know how it feels to be accussed of 'drug seeking' when it's obvious u have chronic, back wrenching pain, ALL THE TIME...
it makes me feel like people don't care about me.
my parents and sister have been very nice to me.
my 'mother-in-law' was nice enough to drop off my DVDs and my diamond ring which i have been asking for for 2 years...
but T hasn't answered me back...i feel like no one cares about me, it would mean so much to me if i knew he cared, if he called, if he came over to say goodbye, or even just to visit...
am i even worth this huge surgery that i have to do?
it's going to hurt, and i will have no husband to hold my hand, to comfort me,
i don't know if most people understand, but it's a big difference when your husband is there for you, it's a different bond than a family bond...
and i'm going to hurt and be scared, and my parents can't help much because they don't want me to love T anymore,
but i can't help it, u feel what u feel.
sorry i have not written since monday or whatever.
it was nice to see my neice, but it wore me out.
and now i want to have a baby too because she is so sweet, and i am sad i cannot see her again for a long time.
i try to sleep so i am not sad.
i am not brave enough right now to 'face it' and be brave. it's going to hurt and i know it, and it's going to hurt for a long, long while.
i got back my diamond ring (finally) today, but when i looked at it, there was no love there, it was dull, kinda 'spitting me in the face',
saying 'ha ha, your husband doesn't love u anymore...' ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, you are not worth anything anymore, ha ha ha ha, it was all a big joke...that's how i feel...
it doesn't even fit on me anymore because i lost so much weight, and i found out that the blood test from monday said i am anemic.
great, going into heart surgery, when i'm anemic, is not a good sign...
going into heart surgery when i'm only 100 pounds is not a good sign...
going into heart surgery when i am sad because my husband doesn't care and won't even see me or call me or email me to say, 'i care, and good luck...'
that's the worst for me because i believe in 'mind over matter' and that attitude and how u feel when you go into surgery makes a big difference.
knowing that T doesn't care makes a HUGE difference...it makes me more scared...
...the cats are giving me very, very strange stares, like they know i will be leaving...
i am afraid my guardian angels are not watching over me here on earth anymore, i am afraid they are waiting for me in heaven.
i can't sleep at night...
i'm afraid of the pain the surgery will be...why did god, or whoever is in charge, do this to me...
and if i am in pain, and they can't control it, they will just let me suffer...maybe they don't care either...
i liked when T cared about me...it gave me strength and motivation to get better...my family is being nice to me, but only because, i think, they have to be nice to me...
i don't have a good feeling about this.
i am scared and i am going to be alone. i need T to hold my hand...he doesn't have to be there all the time, just a little bit to hold my hand, he doesn't even have to say anything...
this hospital is the farthest one from my home, my parents will only be only be able to visit me for a little bit, maybe even not every day!
it will be too hard on them. it will be too hard on them to help me when i get home.
i know they don't want to have to help me, it's too hard, on everyone,
i don't have the confidence, strength, courage, and not going to be able to be brave.
i get so tired lately...
i have to have the surgery. i don't know how well i will recover.
T helped me so much,
how can he sleep at night knowing how hard this is for me...
...how hard he is making it for my parents.
i've asked almost everyone i know to ask him to help, to do at least SOMETHING, no luck.
i am sad and scared, and cannot sleep, and i get sooooo tired and my heart pounds and pounds and pounds.
i wanted to have a baby the same time my niece was born. it's just not fair.
i don't know how to get through the weekend. i want to be brave, but i have a feeling i will just get more scared as Monday comes closer.
why am i being punished? it's not fair...
JOANNAJEAN
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
ch12;scared?
Ch12;scared?
there's a song, i'm pretty sure by faster pussycat called scared...i remember requesting it on KNAC or Pirate Radio when I was like 12 alone in Memorial Hospital...THEY PLAYED IT...
I hate going to see the doctor...all she said today, with wide eyes was...
'go over "Five Wishes" with your Mom, 'go over the 'quality of life that is important with you with your mom'...'make sure you make lots of copies of that "Five Wishes" and send one to us...'
she said...
"you are resistant to a lot of pain medicines....be aware that it's going to hurt, and they probably won't be able to control it..."
she said...
"this is a BIG, MAJOR surgery..."
i asked her..."did they magnify that chest x-ray? my heart looks HUGE?"
she said..."yeah, THE HEART IS enlarged..."
she said she talked to the cardiologist...he said..."yeah, now's her window to have the surgery..." looking at the computer, typing something in...she says to me...
"so you do know if you don't have the surgery now...you'll go into heart failure...yeah...that can be fatal..."
i'm not mad at her...she's doing her job...a job I WANTED TO DO TOO! i'm glad i was by myself...i'm glad mom or dad wasn't there, i didn't have to be brave, i didn't have to sit up straight and pretend i wasn't nervous or hurting, i could look weak, i didn't have to look anyone in the eye, i could hunch over because i hurt, i didn't have to pretend...
oh, and she said...
"be sure you discuss with your mom if there are any complications how much 'quality of life' means to you..."
I said..."well, I don't want to be starved..."
I said..."but I don't want to be kept in a coma for more than a couple weeks..."
"but i think I have to think about the other things...'quality of life..."
don't want to be like chris reeves, he was miserable, i read his book...
don't want to be like the vegas lion tamer guy...he was in too much pain...don't want to hurt and be tortured by hurt or hunger, or wither away like the lady who crumbled away (remember, she was the big issue before the POPE died...)
I asked..."how does a heart-lung machine work..."
she said "i'm not sure, ask the surgeon..."
I said..."the surgeon doesn't need to see me...and I'm out of pain patches...."
well, she said "I don't want anyone to think u r doctor shopping..."
I started to sob..."i hate when people think that of me...it makes me feel horrible..."
i mean u can see the kyphoplasty on my side-ways x-ray...
my dad gave blood, THANK YOU DAD...but why was he SO MAD??? he seemed so mad about it...it made me sad...
the whole time I thought of T...but kept it mostly to myself...all our memories...he may have been BORED by all the little things...but i remember the little details, cherish the little memories, the times i made him smile, the quick trips to Wendys when we lived in POMONA...
i wanted to talk about him all day...all the little things i remember...but i know i won't see him...
he doesn't care...he doesn't care...he doesn't care...
forget about him...'everyone says that to me' forget about him...but they
DON'T HAVE A FLOWER CALLED 'FORGET ABOUT HIM'...
THEY HAVE A FLOWER CALLED
FORGET ME NOT...
but no one wants to hear about it....
i didn't sleep a wink last night....my heart pounds...i think maybe i'm so scared, i don't want to feel it...
she shouldn't have said 'it's going to hurt so much that they won't be able to control it...'
i've been saying the past 5 days thats MY WORST FEAR...
one week...i won't be here to pet the kitties...Tiny purrs when i say his name...
Daisy makes a 'currrdddly' sound when she comes aaround for attention....
Lucky sleeps in a little basket that's too small for him...
Mirage hears voices...
Lucy is mean for the fun of it, then waddles away like in that Disney move, i think the aristocrats, never saw it...
Missy works all day to keep her winter coat perfect and fluffy, she gorgeous...
afraid to go to sleep, don't know if i'll be scared tomorrow, everyone's being nice to me,
except the one person who i want to care about me, but i can't say it to anyone, they'll just think i'm dumb...but it was my / our wedding, i was happy, why did he just leave....
he chose his life over mine....
i just want to know he cares...i'm mad i can't talk about it, i'm mad i can't say to anyone how much it hurts, i'm mad about what he said in that email...i thought he loved me a lot...it sucks....
next week, i'll be alone, hurting, tired, cut up, i DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN, complications? maybe....
why couldn't he just give me a hug goodbye...it's just not fair...not fair, not fair, not fair...
i'm the one who has to hurt....not fair..
i worked so hard to eat, be a good girl, gain weight...not fair, only gained 2 pounds...
i thought he loved me, i thought he cared about me...i don't feel stupid that i love him
...i want to crawl in his head and know how he can sleep at night....he knows how i feel....
IT'S NOT FAIR...IT'S GONNA HURT...I'M GONNA BE ALONE...i don't wanna be brave...
what else can i say....i just want a hug goodbye and a 'you didn't ruin my life...'
NOT FAIR!!!!!!
take care...
JOANNAJEAN....
there's a song, i'm pretty sure by faster pussycat called scared...i remember requesting it on KNAC or Pirate Radio when I was like 12 alone in Memorial Hospital...THEY PLAYED IT...
I hate going to see the doctor...all she said today, with wide eyes was...
'go over "Five Wishes" with your Mom, 'go over the 'quality of life that is important with you with your mom'...'make sure you make lots of copies of that "Five Wishes" and send one to us...'
she said...
"you are resistant to a lot of pain medicines....be aware that it's going to hurt, and they probably won't be able to control it..."
she said...
"this is a BIG, MAJOR surgery..."
i asked her..."did they magnify that chest x-ray? my heart looks HUGE?"
she said..."yeah, THE HEART IS enlarged..."
she said she talked to the cardiologist...he said..."yeah, now's her window to have the surgery..." looking at the computer, typing something in...she says to me...
"so you do know if you don't have the surgery now...you'll go into heart failure...yeah...that can be fatal..."
i'm not mad at her...she's doing her job...a job I WANTED TO DO TOO! i'm glad i was by myself...i'm glad mom or dad wasn't there, i didn't have to be brave, i didn't have to sit up straight and pretend i wasn't nervous or hurting, i could look weak, i didn't have to look anyone in the eye, i could hunch over because i hurt, i didn't have to pretend...
oh, and she said...
"be sure you discuss with your mom if there are any complications how much 'quality of life' means to you..."
I said..."well, I don't want to be starved..."
I said..."but I don't want to be kept in a coma for more than a couple weeks..."
"but i think I have to think about the other things...'quality of life..."
don't want to be like chris reeves, he was miserable, i read his book...
don't want to be like the vegas lion tamer guy...he was in too much pain...don't want to hurt and be tortured by hurt or hunger, or wither away like the lady who crumbled away (remember, she was the big issue before the POPE died...)
I asked..."how does a heart-lung machine work..."
she said "i'm not sure, ask the surgeon..."
I said..."the surgeon doesn't need to see me...and I'm out of pain patches...."
well, she said "I don't want anyone to think u r doctor shopping..."
I started to sob..."i hate when people think that of me...it makes me feel horrible..."
i mean u can see the kyphoplasty on my side-ways x-ray...
my dad gave blood, THANK YOU DAD...but why was he SO MAD??? he seemed so mad about it...it made me sad...
the whole time I thought of T...but kept it mostly to myself...all our memories...he may have been BORED by all the little things...but i remember the little details, cherish the little memories, the times i made him smile, the quick trips to Wendys when we lived in POMONA...
i wanted to talk about him all day...all the little things i remember...but i know i won't see him...
he doesn't care...he doesn't care...he doesn't care...
forget about him...'everyone says that to me' forget about him...but they
DON'T HAVE A FLOWER CALLED 'FORGET ABOUT HIM'...
THEY HAVE A FLOWER CALLED
FORGET ME NOT...
but no one wants to hear about it....
i didn't sleep a wink last night....my heart pounds...i think maybe i'm so scared, i don't want to feel it...
she shouldn't have said 'it's going to hurt so much that they won't be able to control it...'
i've been saying the past 5 days thats MY WORST FEAR...
one week...i won't be here to pet the kitties...Tiny purrs when i say his name...
Daisy makes a 'currrdddly' sound when she comes aaround for attention....
Lucky sleeps in a little basket that's too small for him...
Mirage hears voices...
Lucy is mean for the fun of it, then waddles away like in that Disney move, i think the aristocrats, never saw it...
Missy works all day to keep her winter coat perfect and fluffy, she gorgeous...
afraid to go to sleep, don't know if i'll be scared tomorrow, everyone's being nice to me,
except the one person who i want to care about me, but i can't say it to anyone, they'll just think i'm dumb...but it was my / our wedding, i was happy, why did he just leave....
he chose his life over mine....
i just want to know he cares...i'm mad i can't talk about it, i'm mad i can't say to anyone how much it hurts, i'm mad about what he said in that email...i thought he loved me a lot...it sucks....
next week, i'll be alone, hurting, tired, cut up, i DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN, complications? maybe....
why couldn't he just give me a hug goodbye...it's just not fair...not fair, not fair, not fair...
i'm the one who has to hurt....not fair..
i worked so hard to eat, be a good girl, gain weight...not fair, only gained 2 pounds...
i thought he loved me, i thought he cared about me...i don't feel stupid that i love him
...i want to crawl in his head and know how he can sleep at night....he knows how i feel....
IT'S NOT FAIR...IT'S GONNA HURT...I'M GONNA BE ALONE...i don't wanna be brave...
what else can i say....i just want a hug goodbye and a 'you didn't ruin my life...'
NOT FAIR!!!!!!
take care...
JOANNAJEAN....
Monday, February 22, 2010
CH11-Happier Day today
Ch11:Happier Day Today...
The Day His Prozac Kicked in...
I've been feeling bad that I'm not making any MONEY.
I've been making BRACELETS and trying to sell them on EBAY, but no luck selling anything,
*****WHAT IS EASY TO SELL ON EBAY so I can feel better and make a little MONEY and feel a little BETTER?****
I like CRASHED today until 2pm because I have trouble FALLING ASLEEP.
Also, My heart is POUNDING A LOT, which makes me nervous and resting helps it CALM DOWN...
My BROTHER B sent me some pretty pictures of where he lives in WASHINGTON, and that was nice, I like his pictures...
I got to go to STRAW HAT PIZZA with A, J, and R today, and my Mom, Dad, and Sister.
That was nice too.
I see the DOCTOR (PRIMARY) for all my PRE-OP X-RAYS, BLOOD TESTS, EKG and stuff. I need an important REFILL on a PRESCRIPTION...
I hope she gives it to me, because having to go to another DOCTOR on such short notice will be hard...
I also have to call the RED CROSS tomorrow to see if my DAD CAN DONATE BLOOD for me.
I don't know how long it takes to PROCESS the blood, and it doesn't really seem like he wants to DONATE for me this time around, I'm not sure why...
I'm still UPSET about what T said in that email the other day, i think it was RATHER CRUEL...but I haven't answered him back...
I have a feeling he was MAD because I asked help for $$$, I didn't ask him for the WHOLE AMOUNT i needed, so I don't know why it made him so mad...
but anyway...I didn't answer it back, and I have a feeling he's keeping himself really busy because he feels bad about it...
I didn't think much today about how much the surgery will HURT. I hope I will HEAL quicker and feel good, more energy and stuff...
I feel GUILTY when I am not doing anything PRODUCTIVE, that's why I like(d) TEACHING and MEDICINE...and it's frustrating when I am feeling weak and can't do much...
I would like to TEACH again...that would make me feel good, even TUTORING helps again.
I wanted to go GAMBLING before my surgery, but I think I'm just too TIRED to do that, and I don't think my DAD really wants to take me...that's ok...
...maybe I can save up some MONEY and go on a trip to RIVIERA after my surgery, that would be FUN...and if no one will go with me, maybe I can do it MYSELF.
I could get a TAXI from the airport and just stay inside at the RIVIERA, maybe it wouldn't be that bad...
I'll TRY to let u know what happens TOMORROW with all the PRE-OP tests.
I'm NOT looking forward to it because it's REALLY REALLY going to TIRE ME OUT.
TAKE CARE,
JOANNAJEAN...
The Day His Prozac Kicked in...
I've been feeling bad that I'm not making any MONEY.
I've been making BRACELETS and trying to sell them on EBAY, but no luck selling anything,
*****WHAT IS EASY TO SELL ON EBAY so I can feel better and make a little MONEY and feel a little BETTER?****
I like CRASHED today until 2pm because I have trouble FALLING ASLEEP.
Also, My heart is POUNDING A LOT, which makes me nervous and resting helps it CALM DOWN...
My BROTHER B sent me some pretty pictures of where he lives in WASHINGTON, and that was nice, I like his pictures...
I got to go to STRAW HAT PIZZA with A, J, and R today, and my Mom, Dad, and Sister.
That was nice too.
I see the DOCTOR (PRIMARY) for all my PRE-OP X-RAYS, BLOOD TESTS, EKG and stuff. I need an important REFILL on a PRESCRIPTION...
I hope she gives it to me, because having to go to another DOCTOR on such short notice will be hard...
I also have to call the RED CROSS tomorrow to see if my DAD CAN DONATE BLOOD for me.
I don't know how long it takes to PROCESS the blood, and it doesn't really seem like he wants to DONATE for me this time around, I'm not sure why...
I'm still UPSET about what T said in that email the other day, i think it was RATHER CRUEL...but I haven't answered him back...
I have a feeling he was MAD because I asked help for $$$, I didn't ask him for the WHOLE AMOUNT i needed, so I don't know why it made him so mad...
but anyway...I didn't answer it back, and I have a feeling he's keeping himself really busy because he feels bad about it...
I didn't think much today about how much the surgery will HURT. I hope I will HEAL quicker and feel good, more energy and stuff...
I feel GUILTY when I am not doing anything PRODUCTIVE, that's why I like(d) TEACHING and MEDICINE...and it's frustrating when I am feeling weak and can't do much...
I would like to TEACH again...that would make me feel good, even TUTORING helps again.
I wanted to go GAMBLING before my surgery, but I think I'm just too TIRED to do that, and I don't think my DAD really wants to take me...that's ok...
...maybe I can save up some MONEY and go on a trip to RIVIERA after my surgery, that would be FUN...and if no one will go with me, maybe I can do it MYSELF.
I could get a TAXI from the airport and just stay inside at the RIVIERA, maybe it wouldn't be that bad...
I'll TRY to let u know what happens TOMORROW with all the PRE-OP tests.
I'm NOT looking forward to it because it's REALLY REALLY going to TIRE ME OUT.
TAKE CARE,
JOANNAJEAN...
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Ch10-facebook
Ch10-Facebook & Visiting Family...
I learned a little about the internet 'SOCIAL NETWORKING' today when I visited my family, which actually cheered me up.
I got to see A and my brother and R my neice (I didn't ask permission to use names, so I just use initials for now...) don't want to get anyone mad...
I found out how to get on FACEBOOK and they said to 'post this link on your website,' so I'll try it...wait, it has my married name on it, which I don't have 'permission' to use either, so oh well...
I was in a funk, really really sad all day because 1) 10 days to my surgery, and 2) what T (my husband), said to me in an email yesterday. I don't want to remember it or repeat it, it will just make me feel bad again...
It cheered me up to see my neice. I think she's grown since last I saw her during the holidays in December.
Anyway, I guess I will keep this short.
I guess I will have my ups and downs by the time my surgery comes closer.
Most I am afraid of is the PAIN.
And I am mad, right now, at T, because I don't think he wants a divorce because he stopped loving me, he just gave up because things got too hard and complicated, which is sort of a PARADOX,
because one MAJOR reason I decided he was (would be) a good husband is because of how he was (is) so loyal to his family, no MATTER what happened (happens).
I NEVER THOUGHT HE'D GIVE UP ON ME OR OUR MARRIAGE.
IT'S JUST NOT FAIR.
I don't know, now I'm just BABBLING, so I'll try to stop...
Thanks,
JOANNAJEAN
I learned a little about the internet 'SOCIAL NETWORKING' today when I visited my family, which actually cheered me up.
I got to see A and my brother and R my neice (I didn't ask permission to use names, so I just use initials for now...) don't want to get anyone mad...
I found out how to get on FACEBOOK and they said to 'post this link on your website,' so I'll try it...wait, it has my married name on it, which I don't have 'permission' to use either, so oh well...
I was in a funk, really really sad all day because 1) 10 days to my surgery, and 2) what T (my husband), said to me in an email yesterday. I don't want to remember it or repeat it, it will just make me feel bad again...
It cheered me up to see my neice. I think she's grown since last I saw her during the holidays in December.
Anyway, I guess I will keep this short.
I guess I will have my ups and downs by the time my surgery comes closer.
Most I am afraid of is the PAIN.
And I am mad, right now, at T, because I don't think he wants a divorce because he stopped loving me, he just gave up because things got too hard and complicated, which is sort of a PARADOX,
because one MAJOR reason I decided he was (would be) a good husband is because of how he was (is) so loyal to his family, no MATTER what happened (happens).
I NEVER THOUGHT HE'D GIVE UP ON ME OR OUR MARRIAGE.
IT'S JUST NOT FAIR.
I don't know, now I'm just BABBLING, so I'll try to stop...
Thanks,
JOANNAJEAN
Thursday, February 18, 2010
CH9:CARDIOLOGIST
CH9; CARDIOLOGIST VISIT
The Day His Prozac Kicked In...
I saw the CARDIOLOGIST yesterday to get all the particulars about my OPEN HEART SURGERY on March 1st, which is coming up SOON...
He's a nice man, my info in a nutshell, some were SHOCKING SURPRISES, a.k.a., things I didn't learn in MEDICAL SCHOOL...
*4 Hour long surgery (I thought it was 2 hours...)
*My WHOLE BODY will basically be SHUT DOWN, meaning...
*My heart will be 'PUT TO REST' as he described (does that mean I'll be
technically DEAD?)
*and CHILLED....
*I will be put on a HEART-LUNG MACHINE, BUT...
*I will still have damaging effects on my whole body...
*He said about 1 week in the hospital, but I have a feeling it will be
more...
*The most shocking thing he told me was that for about a month POST-
OP, because of my LIVER being affected, I won't be able to eat much
because things won't taste good...THAT SUCKS!
*I will have PAIN in my BACK because of them cranking open my
STERNUM, which puts pressure on the spinal nerves, which sucks
because, now, NO MATTER, which way I lay, I will hurt...
*I will need AT LEAST 2 units of blood (which I will ask from my DAD)
*because of the opening of my STERNUM, I will have 'temporary'
(I hope), tingling and numbness of my arms...which REALLY
SUCKS...
*I need a MECHANICAL VALVE, which means I have to be on BLOOD
THINNERS the rest of my life, which REALLY SUCKS TOO, but...
*he said I could still have a baby by switching to another BLOOD
THINNER, which I THINK is GOOD NEWS, it just kinda scares me
to be on blood thinners because I already bruise VERY easily
*I have to give him credit, he actually spent like 30 or 45 minutes
talking to me, which was really nice...
It's always STRESSFUL for me to go to the doctor because it reminds me of all of the things WRONG with me. It helps lately that my Mom or Dad goes with me,
but I still don't get the world and why God (or whoever is in charge) gave me all these problems...It just isn't FAIR!
I'm still REALLY bruised up from the ANGIOGRAM, but the Cardiologist checked and said it's normal.
I still have my BLADDER infection, and he kindly sent a new prescription to the PHARMACY for more CIPRO.
He said the worst complication there could be after the surgery is INFECTION, which I pretty much already knew...
but I was worried about INTERNAL BLEEDING, which he said you can't really feel, so that STILL worries me...
Anyway, so about 10 more days until the surgery.
I got a letter when I got home (regular SNAIL MAIL, LOL)...telling me all my PRE-OP and PRE-ADMISSION appointments, so that answered a lot of my questions too. You know, CHEST X-RAYS, BLOOD TESTS, HISTORY & PHYSICAL, all that...
So, I'm pretty down...
because it's going to be an AWFUL recovery, and a LOT OF PAIN. And since I've been on pain medications for a long time, I'm 'TOLERANT,' so they have to increase the dosage, and sometimes the nurses freak out, or the people at the PHARMACY freak out, giving out pain meds, I guess they don't understand, and think I just am an addict.
I hate when I get that look, they don't understand and it makes me feel like I'm a horrible person...
I emailed these details to T, but no answer as of yet...which makes me sad, because I know he won't talk to me or see me before my surgery. I think it would really make a difference if he gave me some words of confidence, so that makes me sad that he's ignoring me...
Anyway, I also have to have a CHEST TUBE to make sure my lungs re-inflate after the surgery, and I saw a chest tube put in when I was in MEDICAL SCHOOL, so I know it will HURT HURT HURT.
I will also be on a VENTILATOR, which I've been on before, and that's like just pure TORTURE.
...but I don't have a choice...it has to be done...
So, I'm not very happy, and I'm scared of all the pain, and I'm terrified of any COMPLICATIONS that may occur.
Also, I know my Mom and Dad will help, but knowing I won't have the comfort and support of the husband who (I thought) loved me so much, doesn't make me very confident about my emotional state.
Anyway, I just hope I'll be able to breathe ok after the surgery, and I'm sad about it.
I guess it's good that there's a way to FIX IT, but honestly, that doesn't really provide me with any comfort.
I guess that's it for now. I just have to keep my wits. Have a lot of phone calls to make tomorrow, you know--INSURANCE, stuff like that...
I'm just low on COURAGE right now, and having DEPRESSION doesn't help much, and of course I'm SCARED.
Everyone can say all the support and advice to me they want, which I truly appreciate, but I'M THE ONE who has to go through all the PAIN and FEAR...
I don't know how people handle this...LIFE is SCARY.
Maybe I'll get a little encouragement from T, I shouldn't wish for that, because he wants NOTHING to do with me anymore and I should just let him be...but, I'm SCARED...
Until next time...
JOANNAJEAN
The Day His Prozac Kicked In...
I saw the CARDIOLOGIST yesterday to get all the particulars about my OPEN HEART SURGERY on March 1st, which is coming up SOON...
He's a nice man, my info in a nutshell, some were SHOCKING SURPRISES, a.k.a., things I didn't learn in MEDICAL SCHOOL...
*4 Hour long surgery (I thought it was 2 hours...)
*My WHOLE BODY will basically be SHUT DOWN, meaning...
*My heart will be 'PUT TO REST' as he described (does that mean I'll be
technically DEAD?)
*and CHILLED....
*I will be put on a HEART-LUNG MACHINE, BUT...
*I will still have damaging effects on my whole body...
*He said about 1 week in the hospital, but I have a feeling it will be
more...
*The most shocking thing he told me was that for about a month POST-
OP, because of my LIVER being affected, I won't be able to eat much
because things won't taste good...THAT SUCKS!
*I will have PAIN in my BACK because of them cranking open my
STERNUM, which puts pressure on the spinal nerves, which sucks
because, now, NO MATTER, which way I lay, I will hurt...
*I will need AT LEAST 2 units of blood (which I will ask from my DAD)
*because of the opening of my STERNUM, I will have 'temporary'
(I hope), tingling and numbness of my arms...which REALLY
SUCKS...
*I need a MECHANICAL VALVE, which means I have to be on BLOOD
THINNERS the rest of my life, which REALLY SUCKS TOO, but...
*he said I could still have a baby by switching to another BLOOD
THINNER, which I THINK is GOOD NEWS, it just kinda scares me
to be on blood thinners because I already bruise VERY easily
*I have to give him credit, he actually spent like 30 or 45 minutes
talking to me, which was really nice...
It's always STRESSFUL for me to go to the doctor because it reminds me of all of the things WRONG with me. It helps lately that my Mom or Dad goes with me,
but I still don't get the world and why God (or whoever is in charge) gave me all these problems...It just isn't FAIR!
I'm still REALLY bruised up from the ANGIOGRAM, but the Cardiologist checked and said it's normal.
I still have my BLADDER infection, and he kindly sent a new prescription to the PHARMACY for more CIPRO.
He said the worst complication there could be after the surgery is INFECTION, which I pretty much already knew...
but I was worried about INTERNAL BLEEDING, which he said you can't really feel, so that STILL worries me...
Anyway, so about 10 more days until the surgery.
I got a letter when I got home (regular SNAIL MAIL, LOL)...telling me all my PRE-OP and PRE-ADMISSION appointments, so that answered a lot of my questions too. You know, CHEST X-RAYS, BLOOD TESTS, HISTORY & PHYSICAL, all that...
So, I'm pretty down...
because it's going to be an AWFUL recovery, and a LOT OF PAIN. And since I've been on pain medications for a long time, I'm 'TOLERANT,' so they have to increase the dosage, and sometimes the nurses freak out, or the people at the PHARMACY freak out, giving out pain meds, I guess they don't understand, and think I just am an addict.
I hate when I get that look, they don't understand and it makes me feel like I'm a horrible person...
I emailed these details to T, but no answer as of yet...which makes me sad, because I know he won't talk to me or see me before my surgery. I think it would really make a difference if he gave me some words of confidence, so that makes me sad that he's ignoring me...
Anyway, I also have to have a CHEST TUBE to make sure my lungs re-inflate after the surgery, and I saw a chest tube put in when I was in MEDICAL SCHOOL, so I know it will HURT HURT HURT.
I will also be on a VENTILATOR, which I've been on before, and that's like just pure TORTURE.
...but I don't have a choice...it has to be done...
So, I'm not very happy, and I'm scared of all the pain, and I'm terrified of any COMPLICATIONS that may occur.
Also, I know my Mom and Dad will help, but knowing I won't have the comfort and support of the husband who (I thought) loved me so much, doesn't make me very confident about my emotional state.
Anyway, I just hope I'll be able to breathe ok after the surgery, and I'm sad about it.
I guess it's good that there's a way to FIX IT, but honestly, that doesn't really provide me with any comfort.
I guess that's it for now. I just have to keep my wits. Have a lot of phone calls to make tomorrow, you know--INSURANCE, stuff like that...
I'm just low on COURAGE right now, and having DEPRESSION doesn't help much, and of course I'm SCARED.
Everyone can say all the support and advice to me they want, which I truly appreciate, but I'M THE ONE who has to go through all the PAIN and FEAR...
I don't know how people handle this...LIFE is SCARY.
Maybe I'll get a little encouragement from T, I shouldn't wish for that, because he wants NOTHING to do with me anymore and I should just let him be...but, I'm SCARED...
Until next time...
JOANNAJEAN
Saturday, February 13, 2010
CH8:Valentine's Day For the Broken Hearted...
Ch8; the broken hearted...
I was a 'good girl,' and sent out some Valentines to let others know they are loved and are being thought of...(i bit my lip)
But after the 8th, "She'll love you even more..." diamond ring commercial, ok, I just lost it!!! I needed to KICK SOMETHING!
and now the weekend, all the couples are going to be out there in force, RUBBING IT IN our faces, to the people who have failed in LOVE.
my wedding was, perfect, at least to me and T. the whole time I said 'I'm so happy!'
Now we are apart. He says he's happy. BUT, I don't think he is. I've begged him for one last hug, one last kiss, one last goodbye, and he REFUSES.
And now I find out that the agreement we had - that we would mutually sign one settlement agreement - and then send it to the judge. NOW, he tells me the rules changed,
It makes me sad. I wanted to be with him forever. I cannot get over the pain, i'm scared of having to go thru the surgery where HE BROKE MY HEART. it's not fair T, what about me?
It's not fair how u left me. Just left me an email saying you'll be gone until thursday and i was to be 'out' by then. I called you on the way to the airport and you said, we have to get a divorce...I started screaming hysterically,
i tried to reach you but was lost and sobbing, i had missed you,
T, haven't you realized that i'm miserable? you can CHANGE YOUR MIND, and let us be together again, it's ok to change your mind!
don't divorce me. please think about it. i want to be with you, want to hear you breathe as you fall asleep...
JOANNAJEAN
I was a 'good girl,' and sent out some Valentines to let others know they are loved and are being thought of...(i bit my lip)
But after the 8th, "She'll love you even more..." diamond ring commercial, ok, I just lost it!!! I needed to KICK SOMETHING!
and now the weekend, all the couples are going to be out there in force, RUBBING IT IN our faces, to the people who have failed in LOVE.
my wedding was, perfect, at least to me and T. the whole time I said 'I'm so happy!'
Now we are apart. He says he's happy. BUT, I don't think he is. I've begged him for one last hug, one last kiss, one last goodbye, and he REFUSES.
And now I find out that the agreement we had - that we would mutually sign one settlement agreement - and then send it to the judge. NOW, he tells me the rules changed,
It makes me sad. I wanted to be with him forever. I cannot get over the pain, i'm scared of having to go thru the surgery where HE BROKE MY HEART. it's not fair T, what about me?
It's not fair how u left me. Just left me an email saying you'll be gone until thursday and i was to be 'out' by then. I called you on the way to the airport and you said, we have to get a divorce...I started screaming hysterically,
i tried to reach you but was lost and sobbing, i had missed you,
T, haven't you realized that i'm miserable? you can CHANGE YOUR MIND, and let us be together again, it's ok to change your mind!
don't divorce me. please think about it. i want to be with you, want to hear you breathe as you fall asleep...
JOANNAJEAN
Thursday, February 11, 2010
CH7: Date of my surgery...
ch7; the date of my open heart surgery is march 1st,2010, a monday...
I can't sleep again, so i thought i'd give a quick update...
I am sad because a month from now I will be hurting and alone with no one to hold my hand. They are basically reconstructing half of my heart,
and to tell you the truth, i think it was T who literally BROKE my heart. he can (and has run away) from the situation, but i can't. and today the insurance called and i have to call them back tomorrow, there is some kind of problem, which i don't get because i have a PPO insurance.
and with the divorce proceedings...now T says i'm NOT to sign the papers and he is going to do it default through his attorney. so now our plan is all befuddled and i have mixed feelings about it.
i hope maybe he'll change his mind and if i recover from the heart surgery strongly, which will make me happier, and depending on how i feel i can get a job and maybe fight for my diploma again...
he is stubborn, like his dad, and doesn't think he can change his mind and let me back into his life in 'baby steps...'
anyway, that is my update for now. i've been really weak since i went on the cipro, but that's better than being nauseated. and my groin still hurts from the angiogram i had. those things are NASTY!
i have another cute kitty story that my Mom wrote, i'll include it in my next chapter. and try to get a picture too.
take care,
JOANNAJEAN
I can't sleep again, so i thought i'd give a quick update...
I am sad because a month from now I will be hurting and alone with no one to hold my hand. They are basically reconstructing half of my heart,
and to tell you the truth, i think it was T who literally BROKE my heart. he can (and has run away) from the situation, but i can't. and today the insurance called and i have to call them back tomorrow, there is some kind of problem, which i don't get because i have a PPO insurance.
and with the divorce proceedings...now T says i'm NOT to sign the papers and he is going to do it default through his attorney. so now our plan is all befuddled and i have mixed feelings about it.
i hope maybe he'll change his mind and if i recover from the heart surgery strongly, which will make me happier, and depending on how i feel i can get a job and maybe fight for my diploma again...
he is stubborn, like his dad, and doesn't think he can change his mind and let me back into his life in 'baby steps...'
anyway, that is my update for now. i've been really weak since i went on the cipro, but that's better than being nauseated. and my groin still hurts from the angiogram i had. those things are NASTY!
i have another cute kitty story that my Mom wrote, i'll include it in my next chapter. and try to get a picture too.
take care,
JOANNAJEAN
Monday, February 8, 2010
CH6-COMPLICATIONS & CIPRO
Chapter 6; The Day His Prozac Kicked In...
Complications
Well, if you remember, I had the ANGIOGRAM on Friday, and it was not very pleasant...
So i was a 'good girl' and limited my activity on Saturday, followed the directions and doctor's orders, and all that stuff.
But on Sunday morning I began to have symptoms of a bladder infection and I started to sob. Yes, it got worse and I knew I had to go to the clinic,
on a Sunday,
yes SUPERBOWL Sunday...
I knew I had to act fast, not only because of the pain, but because of the fact there would be the nurses and doctors in the lounge watching the GAME...
So I started sobbing again,
because of the pain,
because I was generally NOT feeling well,
and knowing I'd have to bug my parents to help me get to the clinic.
All for a prescription of CIPRO which is the only thing that seems to catch these awful bladder infections I get after I get home from the hospital.
I don't know if it is the stress from being in the hospital, or the invasive procedures, or what that causes the infections, but I knew it couldn't wait until Monday.
However, wait, yes wait I did, in the WAITING ROOM when my Mom dropped me off at the clinic.
I got there at 2pm, the waiting room was 75% full, I found out the SUPERBOWL began at 4pm, I was REALLY pressing my luck...
Lots of miserable and coughing children...lots of adults in pain...you know...all that...
Had to wait a while. My mom dropped me off. Couldn't get comfortable...Was in a lot of pain, my back hurt, my legs hurt (from the angiogram still), I had a migraine coming on...It all sucked.
The doctor was nice, I was CLUTCHING the old prescription bottle from the last time I had a bladder infection, the doctor heeded it and said he would fax a prescription for CIPRO over to the pharmacy, which closes at 6pm, and it was already 5pm, HUSTLE, HUSTLE, HUSTLE!
The game had started, I could hear it in the lounge marked 'PRIVATE.'
There was a problem at the pharmacy, the doctor forgot to fax in the 2nd prescription I needed, I forget the name.
My dad was sad, or tired, or mad...i couldn't tell. But he helped me anyway, thanks dad. He even went to the pharmacy for me.
At least it wasn't raining, like on FRIDAY when he helped with the ANGIOGRAM...
Thank god for CIPRO. I knew it would work very soon. I feel better now, Monday, but CIPRO is such a powerful medication, it just drains me, so I was sad a lot today, just because life doesn't seem to be going great for me right now...
Anyway, it makes me worry about the complications that may arise with my HEART SURGERY. I wish there was a way to just 'SWITCH' off the fear and worry, like a LIGHT SWITCH, and just do the surgery.
I don't have a choice anyway, it has to be done, I just wish all the worry and pain didn't have to go with it!
Anyway, I emailed T (my husband) about all this. No answer. That too makes me sad. I miss him and am in pain, and it seems like he just doesn't care. Maybe he doesn't. Yes, having that thought makes me sad.
Until next time...
JOANNAJEAN
Complications
Well, if you remember, I had the ANGIOGRAM on Friday, and it was not very pleasant...
So i was a 'good girl' and limited my activity on Saturday, followed the directions and doctor's orders, and all that stuff.
But on Sunday morning I began to have symptoms of a bladder infection and I started to sob. Yes, it got worse and I knew I had to go to the clinic,
on a Sunday,
yes SUPERBOWL Sunday...
I knew I had to act fast, not only because of the pain, but because of the fact there would be the nurses and doctors in the lounge watching the GAME...
So I started sobbing again,
because of the pain,
because I was generally NOT feeling well,
and knowing I'd have to bug my parents to help me get to the clinic.
All for a prescription of CIPRO which is the only thing that seems to catch these awful bladder infections I get after I get home from the hospital.
I don't know if it is the stress from being in the hospital, or the invasive procedures, or what that causes the infections, but I knew it couldn't wait until Monday.
However, wait, yes wait I did, in the WAITING ROOM when my Mom dropped me off at the clinic.
I got there at 2pm, the waiting room was 75% full, I found out the SUPERBOWL began at 4pm, I was REALLY pressing my luck...
Lots of miserable and coughing children...lots of adults in pain...you know...all that...
Had to wait a while. My mom dropped me off. Couldn't get comfortable...Was in a lot of pain, my back hurt, my legs hurt (from the angiogram still), I had a migraine coming on...It all sucked.
The doctor was nice, I was CLUTCHING the old prescription bottle from the last time I had a bladder infection, the doctor heeded it and said he would fax a prescription for CIPRO over to the pharmacy, which closes at 6pm, and it was already 5pm, HUSTLE, HUSTLE, HUSTLE!
The game had started, I could hear it in the lounge marked 'PRIVATE.'
There was a problem at the pharmacy, the doctor forgot to fax in the 2nd prescription I needed, I forget the name.
My dad was sad, or tired, or mad...i couldn't tell. But he helped me anyway, thanks dad. He even went to the pharmacy for me.
At least it wasn't raining, like on FRIDAY when he helped with the ANGIOGRAM...
Thank god for CIPRO. I knew it would work very soon. I feel better now, Monday, but CIPRO is such a powerful medication, it just drains me, so I was sad a lot today, just because life doesn't seem to be going great for me right now...
Anyway, it makes me worry about the complications that may arise with my HEART SURGERY. I wish there was a way to just 'SWITCH' off the fear and worry, like a LIGHT SWITCH, and just do the surgery.
I don't have a choice anyway, it has to be done, I just wish all the worry and pain didn't have to go with it!
Anyway, I emailed T (my husband) about all this. No answer. That too makes me sad. I miss him and am in pain, and it seems like he just doesn't care. Maybe he doesn't. Yes, having that thought makes me sad.
Until next time...
JOANNAJEAN
Saturday, February 6, 2010
CH5; ANGIOGRAM
CHAPTER 5; THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...
ANGIOGRAM
Today, well, yesterday, I had the CARDIAC ANGIOGRAM. It was about how I expected. I was GRUMPY and didn't want to go. It was RAINING and COLD, but my DAD was a good sport and took me...
The prepped me and did the IV and all the PAPERWORK...I was HUNGRY and WEAK and COLD (I was NPO, that's why i was hungry).
The CARDIOLOGIST was over a half hour late (but it was POURING...so i guess he got caught up in rain...) and the calming medicine, VERSED they gave me DIDN'T WORK AT ALL! I wish they would have just put me out, that was the WORST. They said I was 'resistant' because of all the PAIN MEDS i take, but i wish i could have been more groggy...
It took a good 45 minutes or so. Mayo Clinic had a good link, I'll share with you later, on what to expect. The 'FLUSHING' from the idea didn't hurt, but it still FREAKED me out. The LIDOCAINE shot in the femoral artery HURT A LOT, that sucked too.
Seemed to me they were in a hurry, which freaked me out too, but maybe that's how they do things...
They were done, I was afraid to MOVE and afraid to CRY for fear i'd mess something up since they had wires in my heart.
Anyway, afterwards, they put a LOT of pressure on the artery PUNCTURE site for 10 minutes and wheeled me to 'SHORT STAY.'
but as soon as i got there they found my pressure dressing was SOAKED with blood and, I couldn't see, but there was a huge puffy HEMATOMA there too. I couldn't see it, but i asked my dad later:
'they seemed really freaked out about the blood, how much was there?'
he said, 'all 4 gauze pads were soaked and it got on your legs, the gown, the bed, and the pillow,' boy, i guess that is a lot of blood.
so they put a huge 10 pound sandbag on it for 2 hours and there was no more bleeding and i rested and had a hospital turkey sandwich and rested some more.
my dad was real nice to stay there with me the whole time. i got to go home at 630pm but it was COLD and POURING rain!
got to go home, thank goodness. ate a little, went to bed. got up a little later to put on my nightshirt and started crying.
my dad found me crying and asked what was wrong...
i sobbed 'i didn't know it would hurt this much!...' because i was limping on the right leg where they did the ANGIOGRAM, but putting too much weight on the leg where they did the HIP REPLACEMENT, so i was HURTING A LOT!
so i decided to just take an AMBIEN an just try to go to bed and yeah, i feel better this morning, but i have a bruise the SIZE OF DELAWARE! I hope it will be ok.
NOT SOMETHING I'D EVER WANT TO DO AGAIN...
signed;
JOANNAJEAN
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/coronary-angiogram/MY00541/DSECTION=what-you-can-expect,
**The link above is a good resource on what to expect during an cardiac angiogram, however, take into consideration that every individual's experience is difference
ANGIOGRAM
Today, well, yesterday, I had the CARDIAC ANGIOGRAM. It was about how I expected. I was GRUMPY and didn't want to go. It was RAINING and COLD, but my DAD was a good sport and took me...
The prepped me and did the IV and all the PAPERWORK...I was HUNGRY and WEAK and COLD (I was NPO, that's why i was hungry).
The CARDIOLOGIST was over a half hour late (but it was POURING...so i guess he got caught up in rain...) and the calming medicine, VERSED they gave me DIDN'T WORK AT ALL! I wish they would have just put me out, that was the WORST. They said I was 'resistant' because of all the PAIN MEDS i take, but i wish i could have been more groggy...
It took a good 45 minutes or so. Mayo Clinic had a good link, I'll share with you later, on what to expect. The 'FLUSHING' from the idea didn't hurt, but it still FREAKED me out. The LIDOCAINE shot in the femoral artery HURT A LOT, that sucked too.
Seemed to me they were in a hurry, which freaked me out too, but maybe that's how they do things...
They were done, I was afraid to MOVE and afraid to CRY for fear i'd mess something up since they had wires in my heart.
Anyway, afterwards, they put a LOT of pressure on the artery PUNCTURE site for 10 minutes and wheeled me to 'SHORT STAY.'
but as soon as i got there they found my pressure dressing was SOAKED with blood and, I couldn't see, but there was a huge puffy HEMATOMA there too. I couldn't see it, but i asked my dad later:
'they seemed really freaked out about the blood, how much was there?'
he said, 'all 4 gauze pads were soaked and it got on your legs, the gown, the bed, and the pillow,' boy, i guess that is a lot of blood.
so they put a huge 10 pound sandbag on it for 2 hours and there was no more bleeding and i rested and had a hospital turkey sandwich and rested some more.
my dad was real nice to stay there with me the whole time. i got to go home at 630pm but it was COLD and POURING rain!
got to go home, thank goodness. ate a little, went to bed. got up a little later to put on my nightshirt and started crying.
my dad found me crying and asked what was wrong...
i sobbed 'i didn't know it would hurt this much!...' because i was limping on the right leg where they did the ANGIOGRAM, but putting too much weight on the leg where they did the HIP REPLACEMENT, so i was HURTING A LOT!
so i decided to just take an AMBIEN an just try to go to bed and yeah, i feel better this morning, but i have a bruise the SIZE OF DELAWARE! I hope it will be ok.
NOT SOMETHING I'D EVER WANT TO DO AGAIN...
signed;
JOANNAJEAN
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/coronary-angiogram/MY00541/DSECTION=what-you-can-expect,
**The link above is a good resource on what to expect during an cardiac angiogram, however, take into consideration that every individual's experience is difference
Thursday, February 4, 2010
CHAPTER 4; MOM'S STORY; Scotty...
My Name Is Scotty
My name is Scotty and I am a stray cat. I guess I’m a stray cat. I didn’t want to be that and I certainly didn’t start off as a stray cat.
But my original owners said they had too many pets. So one day they took me for a long car ride and dropped me off at the corner!
I was so surprised and scared. So I ran and hid, ran and hid. Finally, when I couldn’t run anymore, I stopped. Tired, and in back of a house. I hid behind a blue flowering bush, hoping I was safe.
About that time, the back door opened and out stepped an older lady with a newspaper and a cup of ‘something’ in her hands. I watched, too tired to move.
“I see you there,” she said in a nice quiet voice. “You have such big, round eyes.” She immediately turned around and when she came back out again, she had a dish of kitty food and water.
I was hungry and thirsty and was anxious and scared at the same time. She put the food down and promptly sat on a chair to read her paper.
“That’s for you, Scotty,” she said. “I’ll call you Scotty because you have such big, round eyes. You look just like the little boy down the street.”
I couldn’t help myself. I went over and ate all the food and had some of the water too. When I was finished, I quickly hid behind the blue, flowered bush and washed my face.
She kept up a conversation all this time, telling me what she was reading. I was so tired, I had to close my eyes with her soothing voice making me feel safe.
Since that day, weeks ago… I sleep on a chair now with a blue pillow that the old lady put there just for me. I sleep at night in the shed where she fixed a box for me. It’s soft and warm and safe.
Sometimes when no one is around, I glance inside the house, but being here on the chair is good enough for now.
Every morning, the old lady comes out to sit in the sun and read the paper. There is a dog and other cats but all is well. I’m glad that I stopped to rest behind the blue, flowered bush.
I noticed that the other animals sit on her lap sometimes and someday I want to do that too. If only to say thank you. Maybe tomorrow.
By Sharon Welte
*NOTE by JOANNAJEAN; Here is the short story I said I would share with you. When I read it, i discovered a few hidden 'messages of wisdom.' I wonder if anyone else can notice it!
P.S. I have my ANGIOGRAM tomorrow. Not happy about it, don't want to do it. It's going to take all day AND hurt, but I don't have a choice, I HAVE to do it. So wish me luck. Thanks...
SIGNED;
JOANNAJEAN
P.S. http://www.tutormatch.com/tutors/5825/science.aspx
*above is a link for private and individual tutoring that I provide through tutormatch. I can pretty much help with any subject and any age, just look at my profile. thanks. I like to edit papers as well as tutor.
thanks!
JOANNAJEAN
My name is Scotty and I am a stray cat. I guess I’m a stray cat. I didn’t want to be that and I certainly didn’t start off as a stray cat.
But my original owners said they had too many pets. So one day they took me for a long car ride and dropped me off at the corner!
I was so surprised and scared. So I ran and hid, ran and hid. Finally, when I couldn’t run anymore, I stopped. Tired, and in back of a house. I hid behind a blue flowering bush, hoping I was safe.
About that time, the back door opened and out stepped an older lady with a newspaper and a cup of ‘something’ in her hands. I watched, too tired to move.
“I see you there,” she said in a nice quiet voice. “You have such big, round eyes.” She immediately turned around and when she came back out again, she had a dish of kitty food and water.
I was hungry and thirsty and was anxious and scared at the same time. She put the food down and promptly sat on a chair to read her paper.
“That’s for you, Scotty,” she said. “I’ll call you Scotty because you have such big, round eyes. You look just like the little boy down the street.”
I couldn’t help myself. I went over and ate all the food and had some of the water too. When I was finished, I quickly hid behind the blue, flowered bush and washed my face.
She kept up a conversation all this time, telling me what she was reading. I was so tired, I had to close my eyes with her soothing voice making me feel safe.
Since that day, weeks ago… I sleep on a chair now with a blue pillow that the old lady put there just for me. I sleep at night in the shed where she fixed a box for me. It’s soft and warm and safe.
Sometimes when no one is around, I glance inside the house, but being here on the chair is good enough for now.
Every morning, the old lady comes out to sit in the sun and read the paper. There is a dog and other cats but all is well. I’m glad that I stopped to rest behind the blue, flowered bush.
I noticed that the other animals sit on her lap sometimes and someday I want to do that too. If only to say thank you. Maybe tomorrow.
By Sharon Welte
*NOTE by JOANNAJEAN; Here is the short story I said I would share with you. When I read it, i discovered a few hidden 'messages of wisdom.' I wonder if anyone else can notice it!
P.S. I have my ANGIOGRAM tomorrow. Not happy about it, don't want to do it. It's going to take all day AND hurt, but I don't have a choice, I HAVE to do it. So wish me luck. Thanks...
SIGNED;
JOANNAJEAN
P.S. http://www.tutormatch.com/tutors/5825/science.aspx
*above is a link for private and individual tutoring that I provide through tutormatch. I can pretty much help with any subject and any age, just look at my profile. thanks. I like to edit papers as well as tutor.
thanks!
JOANNAJEAN
CHAPTER 3; BLOOD TEST AND MY PARENT'S ANNIVERSARY...
CHAPTER 3; MY PARENT'S ANNIVERSARY AND MY BLOOD TEST
Today was my parent's wedding anniversary. They didn't get to do much, but they go out to the movies all the time, and stuff like that.
Congrats to them! My Dad had to go to work in the morning / mid-day but he still got Mom chocolates but then he fell asleep right when he got home from work. Work takes a lot out of him these days...
but I think it’s really nice they are still together, their oldest kid is 40 years old! Wow! I am jealous, though. I wanted to be married forever too.
I still have not signed the papers I mentioned yesterday. I don’t really want to, but I guess I will…
Anyway, had to go to get the blood test for my ANGIOGRAM today, the exam is on Friday. I am scared they won’t give me enough sedation because I get SUPER NERVOUS and would rather just be completely ‘under’ so I don’t have to worry about it.
One word of advice, ALWAYS FIND OUT WHEN LUNCH-TIME IS for the hospital workers before you go in for a blood test or doctor’s appt. I got there at 11:30am and no one had told me lunch was scheduled then!
I had to beg them just take my blood, which they did, thank goodness. I was tired and had a headache and just wanted to go home!
I have a cute short story to share with you. My Mom wrote it and said I could publish it in my new blog. So I’ll try to find it in my files and post it tomorrow.
It's a sweet story about a lost kitty...
The instructions for the angiogram I got today said ‘NO BENDING, STOOPING, OR LIFTING THREE DAYS AFTER THE PROCEDURE.’
That FREAKED me out too, I guess they don’t want you hemorraging or anything like that, but I have a feeling it will hurt more than I think.
SIGNED;
JOANNAJEAN
Today was my parent's wedding anniversary. They didn't get to do much, but they go out to the movies all the time, and stuff like that.
Congrats to them! My Dad had to go to work in the morning / mid-day but he still got Mom chocolates but then he fell asleep right when he got home from work. Work takes a lot out of him these days...
but I think it’s really nice they are still together, their oldest kid is 40 years old! Wow! I am jealous, though. I wanted to be married forever too.
I still have not signed the papers I mentioned yesterday. I don’t really want to, but I guess I will…
Anyway, had to go to get the blood test for my ANGIOGRAM today, the exam is on Friday. I am scared they won’t give me enough sedation because I get SUPER NERVOUS and would rather just be completely ‘under’ so I don’t have to worry about it.
One word of advice, ALWAYS FIND OUT WHEN LUNCH-TIME IS for the hospital workers before you go in for a blood test or doctor’s appt. I got there at 11:30am and no one had told me lunch was scheduled then!
I had to beg them just take my blood, which they did, thank goodness. I was tired and had a headache and just wanted to go home!
I have a cute short story to share with you. My Mom wrote it and said I could publish it in my new blog. So I’ll try to find it in my files and post it tomorrow.
It's a sweet story about a lost kitty...
The instructions for the angiogram I got today said ‘NO BENDING, STOOPING, OR LIFTING THREE DAYS AFTER THE PROCEDURE.’
That FREAKED me out too, I guess they don’t want you hemorraging or anything like that, but I have a feeling it will hurt more than I think.
SIGNED;
JOANNAJEAN
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
CHAPTER 2; THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...
CHAPTER 2; THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...
This will be a short chapter, as I am tired and hungry...
I got the FINAL PAPERS from my husband to finalize the divorce today...
I am having difficulty deciding whether or not to just sign it and get it over with, or wait,
remember, I have my ANGIOGRAM this Friday, and my OPEN HEART SURGRY coming up towards the end of the month.
I don't know if I should trust him?
I don't know if signing the papers will make me feel better or worse? So I've put it off another day. Just thinking about it makes me depressed, however, i've mentioned before, I always get sad and lonely at night...
That is a quick entry for tonight...
JOANNAJEAN
PS. I am going to have to read some more blogs, because so far, no one has read mine. I will have to see how people get others to read their blogs...Any suggestions...
http://www.MortFertel.com/cmd.asp?af=770637
the above link is for 'Marriage Fitness.' There is free information on the website, as well as ways to 'save' your marriage. I looked into it a little too late, but his book is really good too. Thanks!
JOANNAJEAN
Goodnight!
This will be a short chapter, as I am tired and hungry...
I got the FINAL PAPERS from my husband to finalize the divorce today...
I am having difficulty deciding whether or not to just sign it and get it over with, or wait,
remember, I have my ANGIOGRAM this Friday, and my OPEN HEART SURGRY coming up towards the end of the month.
I don't know if I should trust him?
I don't know if signing the papers will make me feel better or worse? So I've put it off another day. Just thinking about it makes me depressed, however, i've mentioned before, I always get sad and lonely at night...
That is a quick entry for tonight...
JOANNAJEAN
PS. I am going to have to read some more blogs, because so far, no one has read mine. I will have to see how people get others to read their blogs...Any suggestions...
http://www.MortFertel.com/cmd.asp?af=770637
the above link is for 'Marriage Fitness.' There is free information on the website, as well as ways to 'save' your marriage. I looked into it a little too late, but his book is really good too. Thanks!
JOANNAJEAN
Goodnight!
Monday, February 1, 2010
THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN; CHAPTER 1
Hello Bloggers and fellow readers...
CHAPTER 1:
I have a very detailed SUMMARY INTRODUCTION to my blog. I think you will find it very interesting, and I hope that not only will you read it and use my entries to add to your own life, but i also hope that you will use YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCES to add to my life experiences and life philosophies...
FIRST, let me just briefly explain what my title means...
THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...
Well, basically, my blog is a JOURNAL OR PERSONAL DIARY of things that have happened to me, things that DO happen to me on a daily basis, QUESTIONS i have about life, and PHILOSOPHIES of life i have recieved by observation and other important people in my life...
I first wanted to title my BLOG, "IT SUCKS TO BE ME..." but i figured that would be too negative...so i thought my 2nd choice;
THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...
would spark a little more interest in what my blog is all about. So I look forward to writing my blog, and i'll write in a short list a few things i will write about, i guess i'll partition my 'journal' or 'BLOG ENTRIES' into CHAPTERS;
This is CHAPTER 1; INTRODUCTION TO 'THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..." summary and introduction.
Basically, so you know a little about me,
I am going through a DIVORCE;
I am 33 YEARS OLD
I am NOT HANDLING THE DIVORCE WELL AT ALL...
It has been 2 YEARS since the DIVORCE PROCESS has all started...
but, of course, that's not all there is about me...
ADDITIONALLY;
I have really bad HEALTH PROBLEMS;
including; CROHN'S, OSTEOPOROSIS, MAJOR DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, MIGRAINES, and of course, several more, of which i didn't list at this time... all of these health problems have caused me several, several other problems, and major complications including (from most recent on...)
CARDIAC PROBLEMS, including AORTIC VALVE INSUFFICIENCY (SEVERE), AORTIC ANEURYSM (SEVERE), BROKEN HIP (HIP REPLACEMENT SURGERY just a few months ago in November, 2009), CATARACTS, KYPHOPLASTY surgery (for the broken vertebrae), ADRENAL INSUFFICIENCY, and...
I have OPEN HEART SURGERY coming up, which is my most current major concern, and i'm really scared because the surgeon said there is a 10% chance of not even surviving the operation! Boy, that threw my Mom and I for a loop...I guess that'll be a separate 'CHAPTER' in my blog...
Anyway...to get back to my summary...I have to take so many MEDICATIONS, that it really is hard to keep track of taking them every day, and of course they all cause side effects...
LASTLY, in summary, I was 99.9% done with MEDICAL SCHOOL and was all set up to start an internship in FAMILY MEDICINE. I had this DREAM since I was 15 years old, and i actually had jumped through all the hoops and got the grades at UCLA for undergrad, and everything seemed to work out until the cursed COMLEX 2CE.
It should have been easy enough...with over a 90% nationwide pass rate, but i took that darn test 7 times and didn't pass.
I guess I could have named my blog, 'SHATTERED DREAMS' but it seems sort of cliche, so i went with something that i thought would 'stand out' more...
So you can kind of see a pattern...FAILURE of COMLEX, FAILURE of marriage, we had to have a BANKRUPTCY (which made the marriage even more shaky), and then there was a downfall for me from there on, a 'slippery slope' you could say...
things kept getting worse HEALTHWISE, EMPLOYMENT-WISE, MARRIAGE-WISE, SELF-ESTEEM-WISE,
my DEPRESSION worsened, my HUSBAND left me,
and his life seemed to get BETTER AND BETTER in all ways possible since he left me, which made me feel worse...
But that's just what has happened in the past couple years. I have a lot of chapters other than that...
And I chose not to title my blog "IT SUCKS TO BE ME..." because i didn't want people to think i was just a boring pessimist, i have a lot of optimism in me as well...but those are other chapters...
So I guess that will wrap up
CHAPTER 1 of "THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..."
signed;
JOANNAJEAN
P.S. I guess it wouldn't be fair if i didn't explain the reasoning behind naming my blog
"THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..."
Well...the day my husband's PROZAC kicked in, he realized how depressed he really was, which he blamed on me, and this whole 'slippery slope' thing really began, although, at that time i was in MAJOR DENIAL (well, i believe i STILL AM in a lot of DENIAL...)
and, unfortunately, I believe it was basically the day he decided to leave me, which is why this title is so important to me...
this day was well over 2 years ago.
I'm still in love with him, and have a secret hope (well...I guess NOT so secret) that he still loves me, but he resents me for him getting depressed to the point where he had to go on Prozac in the first place...
I think that explains my reasoning for naming my blog. I have a lot to learn, so bear with me, but i hope my stories will be interesting to you.
And to hold you over to CHAPTER 2, which I haven't named yet,
I'll tell you, that I really did enjoy MEDICAL SCHOOL, and if there is one very important lesson i learned in medical school is that
EVERYONE'S LIFE IS DIFFICULT FOR THEM;
and i'm sure that you will agree with me...
that includes EVERYONE i've encountered...surgeons, surgeon's daughters, medical students, medical students' spouses (duh!), and of course PATIENTS, and other health-care providers, and PARENTS, and KIDS, and TEACHERS, and PROFESSORS, and just plain EVERYONE.
Lastly, EVERYONE HAS A STORY TO TELL, and i hope people will contribute to my blog by sharing snippets of their lives, so that others can read them and learn from them...
Thanks for reading, I hope this turns out to be a helpful and successful BLOG for everyone that reads and contributes...
Take care,
JOANNAJEAN
CHAPTER 1:
I have a very detailed SUMMARY INTRODUCTION to my blog. I think you will find it very interesting, and I hope that not only will you read it and use my entries to add to your own life, but i also hope that you will use YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCES to add to my life experiences and life philosophies...
FIRST, let me just briefly explain what my title means...
THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...
Well, basically, my blog is a JOURNAL OR PERSONAL DIARY of things that have happened to me, things that DO happen to me on a daily basis, QUESTIONS i have about life, and PHILOSOPHIES of life i have recieved by observation and other important people in my life...
I first wanted to title my BLOG, "IT SUCKS TO BE ME..." but i figured that would be too negative...so i thought my 2nd choice;
THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...
would spark a little more interest in what my blog is all about. So I look forward to writing my blog, and i'll write in a short list a few things i will write about, i guess i'll partition my 'journal' or 'BLOG ENTRIES' into CHAPTERS;
This is CHAPTER 1; INTRODUCTION TO 'THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..." summary and introduction.
Basically, so you know a little about me,
I am going through a DIVORCE;
I am 33 YEARS OLD
I am NOT HANDLING THE DIVORCE WELL AT ALL...
It has been 2 YEARS since the DIVORCE PROCESS has all started...
but, of course, that's not all there is about me...
ADDITIONALLY;
I have really bad HEALTH PROBLEMS;
including; CROHN'S, OSTEOPOROSIS, MAJOR DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, MIGRAINES, and of course, several more, of which i didn't list at this time... all of these health problems have caused me several, several other problems, and major complications including (from most recent on...)
CARDIAC PROBLEMS, including AORTIC VALVE INSUFFICIENCY (SEVERE), AORTIC ANEURYSM (SEVERE), BROKEN HIP (HIP REPLACEMENT SURGERY just a few months ago in November, 2009), CATARACTS, KYPHOPLASTY surgery (for the broken vertebrae), ADRENAL INSUFFICIENCY, and...
I have OPEN HEART SURGERY coming up, which is my most current major concern, and i'm really scared because the surgeon said there is a 10% chance of not even surviving the operation! Boy, that threw my Mom and I for a loop...I guess that'll be a separate 'CHAPTER' in my blog...
Anyway...to get back to my summary...I have to take so many MEDICATIONS, that it really is hard to keep track of taking them every day, and of course they all cause side effects...
LASTLY, in summary, I was 99.9% done with MEDICAL SCHOOL and was all set up to start an internship in FAMILY MEDICINE. I had this DREAM since I was 15 years old, and i actually had jumped through all the hoops and got the grades at UCLA for undergrad, and everything seemed to work out until the cursed COMLEX 2CE.
It should have been easy enough...with over a 90% nationwide pass rate, but i took that darn test 7 times and didn't pass.
I guess I could have named my blog, 'SHATTERED DREAMS' but it seems sort of cliche, so i went with something that i thought would 'stand out' more...
So you can kind of see a pattern...FAILURE of COMLEX, FAILURE of marriage, we had to have a BANKRUPTCY (which made the marriage even more shaky), and then there was a downfall for me from there on, a 'slippery slope' you could say...
things kept getting worse HEALTHWISE, EMPLOYMENT-WISE, MARRIAGE-WISE, SELF-ESTEEM-WISE,
my DEPRESSION worsened, my HUSBAND left me,
and his life seemed to get BETTER AND BETTER in all ways possible since he left me, which made me feel worse...
But that's just what has happened in the past couple years. I have a lot of chapters other than that...
And I chose not to title my blog "IT SUCKS TO BE ME..." because i didn't want people to think i was just a boring pessimist, i have a lot of optimism in me as well...but those are other chapters...
So I guess that will wrap up
CHAPTER 1 of "THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..."
signed;
JOANNAJEAN
P.S. I guess it wouldn't be fair if i didn't explain the reasoning behind naming my blog
"THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..."
Well...the day my husband's PROZAC kicked in, he realized how depressed he really was, which he blamed on me, and this whole 'slippery slope' thing really began, although, at that time i was in MAJOR DENIAL (well, i believe i STILL AM in a lot of DENIAL...)
and, unfortunately, I believe it was basically the day he decided to leave me, which is why this title is so important to me...
this day was well over 2 years ago.
I'm still in love with him, and have a secret hope (well...I guess NOT so secret) that he still loves me, but he resents me for him getting depressed to the point where he had to go on Prozac in the first place...
I think that explains my reasoning for naming my blog. I have a lot to learn, so bear with me, but i hope my stories will be interesting to you.
And to hold you over to CHAPTER 2, which I haven't named yet,
I'll tell you, that I really did enjoy MEDICAL SCHOOL, and if there is one very important lesson i learned in medical school is that
EVERYONE'S LIFE IS DIFFICULT FOR THEM;
and i'm sure that you will agree with me...
that includes EVERYONE i've encountered...surgeons, surgeon's daughters, medical students, medical students' spouses (duh!), and of course PATIENTS, and other health-care providers, and PARENTS, and KIDS, and TEACHERS, and PROFESSORS, and just plain EVERYONE.
Lastly, EVERYONE HAS A STORY TO TELL, and i hope people will contribute to my blog by sharing snippets of their lives, so that others can read them and learn from them...
Thanks for reading, I hope this turns out to be a helpful and successful BLOG for everyone that reads and contributes...
Take care,
JOANNAJEAN
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