ch21:ALONE;partII

Ch21;continued;part2;

this was the CHEST TUBE, that hadn't been in long, but it WAS driving me crazy, it was making me neurotic, i was always checking it to make sure it was not clotted, and i was afraid to lay in the bed, thinking fluid would pool up in the bottom of my lungs...strange though, it didn't hurt - at all - but still, i knew i'd feel better when it was out, i'd feel a little more normal and less jittery and anxious.




yes, it WAS their voices i heard, but it wasn't ME on their list, not until about 2pm or so, and the spaghetti had gotten cold anyway, too bad too, because i WAS hungry and i could have gotten away with eating....anyway



M eventually came in, smiling and being good - bed-side manner-wise - and the nurse came in too, i have to give her credit, G I'll call her, i didn't trust her at all when i first met G, but she ended up doing a REALLY good job that day...so thank goodness for her...



ok, so M said she'd get the chest tube out of me. 'good!' i thought to myself. i was nervous, but i trust M, i know she'd do a good job, she was there that night when Dr. A had to put it in, oooh (shivers....)



so i rolled to the side and talked to them. 'i'm nervous,' i said, i was even shaking a little, trembling even. 'i want to make sure everything's sterile and everything...' M and G, they were kind and reassuring and M said, 'remember how to do this? take a deep breath IN, then blow out...'



i told her yes, but asked M to do it with me, and she was kind and she did, she breathed in, and breathed out with me as she pulled the thing out of me. I was relieved. It didn't hurt, but still, i said, 'GOSH, it's like pulling a snake out of me!' M just smiled, and G did too - she was busy holding me to the side so couldn't really do much more than that.



then M put a good, sturdy bandage over it. then she explained, in her thick, but kind accent, 'now, you might expect a little drainage from that wound. but that's ok, you'd want that stuff OUT of you instead of IN you, right Joanna?' i just nodded, i was still kind of out of breath from the trauma and being so nervous about her taking out the tube...



ha ha...the minute G let me go and i rolled back into the regular position, i could feel the warm fluid gush out of the wound and pool around inside the bandage.



'i can feel some of it come out,' i told M. She was just taking off her gloves and took a quick look and said, 'well, there will be a little drainage, but it hasn't soaked through the dressing, it's ok...' i knew she was already on to her next task, in her head at least, and was on her way out...



so M and G left. I felt a little more of the warm gush coming out, but i tensed up because it was making me nervous and i didn't want to say anything.

JOANNAJEAN
(Part III next...)

Chapter 21: ALONE

I never thought I would have to EVER feel this way...so lost, so alone. I felt un-cared for...like everything could spill out of my body, just like it is right now, and no one would care, i would just kind of dissolve as I drifted to the floor. Finally, when the nurse came in, she'd just look at me, raise her eyes to heaven, sigh, and say...'now look at this mess I have to clean up....'




that's how i felt during one of the WORST times i've had at that hospital...what is missing is how light i felt, i felt like a feather, not just because i weighed so little, but because i felt light, light like no one cared, which is pretty much the harsh truth of what it was, at that point, i was pretty much just a hassle, to everyone and everything, except...when i think about it, i knew i wasn't going to die, i actually just accepted that for that moment, i wasn't important, and no one cared what i felt or what was happening to me...you know...ALONE...



so the nuts and bolts of it is this; it was that friday, the day where almost all the tubes were taken out, everyone was in a hurry to finish everything up by noon or by 4pm, which ever they could get away with...the hallway was busy, clamor here, slam there, footsteps, footsteps, pound, pound, pound...happy voices, sighs, laughs, more sighs, those strange BANGS on my door when someone would be walking down the hall, remember something and turn on their heels real quick, in turn, banging on MY door, freaking me, a newly-cut heart patient - alone, out like crazy...anyway....



i hadn't had lunch, because i knew it was friday, my stomach was upset because i was nervous, because i knew they were going to pull out the chest tube and i was afraid to eat because then M and Dr. A would walk in, see me eating, and say 'oh, we don't want to disturb you, we'll come back in a few minutes,' which on 7th floor (on a Friday, especially) meant, 'you lost your chance, gal' (in other words, they WOULDN'T be back...anyone who's EVER been a patient in the hospital, knows that scam...)



anyway, so i hadn't had lunch, i had a bite, spaghetti, it was actually pretty good, but i swore i heard M and Dr. A talking (Dr. A has a VERY DEEP resounding voice, and M's voice is UNMISTAKABLE with her thick, yet sort of lofty, english accent...) i was afraid my stomach would rumble or something and i REALLY, DESPERATELY wanted that TUBE OUT RIGHT AWAY...it was DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!

JOANNAJEAN
(part II next)