Chapter 18: When will things get better?
Just a general update for my blog.
1. Why can't I seem to get anyone to read my blog? I'm sure it's interesting enough. I'm not a 'romance novelist' like in "Romancing the Stone," so I don't have that kind of 'interesting...'
2. I am overwhelmingly SAD because T finally sent in the FINAL papers so the DIVORCE is going to be FINAL any day now...I have SO many feelings about that, that I shouldn't even start...what am I going to do? I'm all alone in the world now, and sad...
3. I am 40 days (or so) post-op from my open heart surgery, and I feel I'm at a stand-still. At first I blamed the fact that the final divorce papers were sent in and that I was depressed, but now I think that is just part of the recipe.
4. Surgery: (continued) Like with the kyphoplasty I had, the 'literature' says, within six to eight weeks, you should be back to normal, me no. I'm still sleeping a lot, and I'm still having CONSTANT pain.
The pain is better, by better I mean less, but maybe because it's still there, ALL THE TIME, it's WEARING ME DOWN.
5. I feel cooped up. I want to drive and go out to eat (I've been living on grilled-cheese sandwiches, which is fine for now), but I wanted to be well enough to go out to eat too. But driving still hurts like HE'double hockey sticks' (I remember Vera from the show 'Alice' used to say that...LOL). So I have to wait on that too.
6. I don't know what to do next with my life...teach? i love to teach, but what? go to school for a k-12 credential? go to CSULB for the single subject science credential? try to get a job for a city college?
My dear friend Anna says go for a P.A. I feel lost and sad, because I wanted to resume being a WIFE, and of course, I still feel bad failing as a physician...
7. I feel bad for TinyBear, our grey kitty. He got attacked 2 weeks ago by another cat and the injury is on the base of his tail and it won't heal. He's an active kitty who wants to jump walls and chase grasshoppers, but that's not good for a tail that is trying to heal. Poor kitty.
8. I've just been generally sad lately, maybe I feel like TinyBear, wanting to (metaphorically) chase grasshoppers, but my body won't let me. I hope you 'get' that.
I want to do things, but I'm limited by the healing my body still has to do.
9. Lately, I can tell my heart muscle itself hurts and is trying to heal.
I stretch my left arm to turn on the light and the area just left of my incision suddenly gets a sharp, tearing, stinging, biting-type pain. OUCH!
Then it takes over an hour of being very still in bed and of course a pain pill for the hurt to dissipate...
10. Mostly, my sadness is because of T. And, he won't let me see him or talk to him on the phone.
He even threatened to change his phone number or tell the court that I am 'harassing' him (which I don't believe - 3 phone messages over 2 weeks I don't believe is harassment...).
11. I am upset about Medicare. I want to keep my doctors, most whom I've known for over 20 years, and Medicaid doesn't cover them. I am going to have to rely on cobra coverage somehow until I can get the coverage I want and can afford to keep.
12. I am feeling worthless because I am not making any income. So I've been falling for some of these 'make $ at home scams' and they don't seem to be working...
That's enough griping for now I think. Mostly I'm upset about T, the divorce, being lonely, and still hurting, after well a month from the surgery date...and I'm still having spontaneous anxiety which is unsettling.....
JOANNAJEAN
Showing posts with label heart surgery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heart surgery. Show all posts
Friday, April 9, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
ch13;friday
ch13;friday
the day his prozac kicked in...
i saw the doctor on monday, i've been upset ever since. THAT is why i haven't written...
i had trouble on wednesday getting my pain medication. i must be blacklisted...
do u know how it feels to be accussed of 'drug seeking' when it's obvious u have chronic, back wrenching pain, ALL THE TIME...
it makes me feel like people don't care about me.
my parents and sister have been very nice to me.
my 'mother-in-law' was nice enough to drop off my DVDs and my diamond ring which i have been asking for for 2 years...
but T hasn't answered me back...i feel like no one cares about me, it would mean so much to me if i knew he cared, if he called, if he came over to say goodbye, or even just to visit...
am i even worth this huge surgery that i have to do?
it's going to hurt, and i will have no husband to hold my hand, to comfort me,
i don't know if most people understand, but it's a big difference when your husband is there for you, it's a different bond than a family bond...
and i'm going to hurt and be scared, and my parents can't help much because they don't want me to love T anymore,
but i can't help it, u feel what u feel.
sorry i have not written since monday or whatever.
it was nice to see my neice, but it wore me out.
and now i want to have a baby too because she is so sweet, and i am sad i cannot see her again for a long time.
i try to sleep so i am not sad.
i am not brave enough right now to 'face it' and be brave. it's going to hurt and i know it, and it's going to hurt for a long, long while.
i got back my diamond ring (finally) today, but when i looked at it, there was no love there, it was dull, kinda 'spitting me in the face',
saying 'ha ha, your husband doesn't love u anymore...' ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, you are not worth anything anymore, ha ha ha ha, it was all a big joke...that's how i feel...
it doesn't even fit on me anymore because i lost so much weight, and i found out that the blood test from monday said i am anemic.
great, going into heart surgery, when i'm anemic, is not a good sign...
going into heart surgery when i'm only 100 pounds is not a good sign...
going into heart surgery when i am sad because my husband doesn't care and won't even see me or call me or email me to say, 'i care, and good luck...'
that's the worst for me because i believe in 'mind over matter' and that attitude and how u feel when you go into surgery makes a big difference.
knowing that T doesn't care makes a HUGE difference...it makes me more scared...
...the cats are giving me very, very strange stares, like they know i will be leaving...
i am afraid my guardian angels are not watching over me here on earth anymore, i am afraid they are waiting for me in heaven.
i can't sleep at night...
i'm afraid of the pain the surgery will be...why did god, or whoever is in charge, do this to me...
and if i am in pain, and they can't control it, they will just let me suffer...maybe they don't care either...
i liked when T cared about me...it gave me strength and motivation to get better...my family is being nice to me, but only because, i think, they have to be nice to me...
i don't have a good feeling about this.
i am scared and i am going to be alone. i need T to hold my hand...he doesn't have to be there all the time, just a little bit to hold my hand, he doesn't even have to say anything...
this hospital is the farthest one from my home, my parents will only be only be able to visit me for a little bit, maybe even not every day!
it will be too hard on them. it will be too hard on them to help me when i get home.
i know they don't want to have to help me, it's too hard, on everyone,
i don't have the confidence, strength, courage, and not going to be able to be brave.
i get so tired lately...
i have to have the surgery. i don't know how well i will recover.
T helped me so much,
how can he sleep at night knowing how hard this is for me...
...how hard he is making it for my parents.
i've asked almost everyone i know to ask him to help, to do at least SOMETHING, no luck.
i am sad and scared, and cannot sleep, and i get sooooo tired and my heart pounds and pounds and pounds.
i wanted to have a baby the same time my niece was born. it's just not fair.
i don't know how to get through the weekend. i want to be brave, but i have a feeling i will just get more scared as Monday comes closer.
why am i being punished? it's not fair...
JOANNAJEAN
the day his prozac kicked in...
i saw the doctor on monday, i've been upset ever since. THAT is why i haven't written...
i had trouble on wednesday getting my pain medication. i must be blacklisted...
do u know how it feels to be accussed of 'drug seeking' when it's obvious u have chronic, back wrenching pain, ALL THE TIME...
it makes me feel like people don't care about me.
my parents and sister have been very nice to me.
my 'mother-in-law' was nice enough to drop off my DVDs and my diamond ring which i have been asking for for 2 years...
but T hasn't answered me back...i feel like no one cares about me, it would mean so much to me if i knew he cared, if he called, if he came over to say goodbye, or even just to visit...
am i even worth this huge surgery that i have to do?
it's going to hurt, and i will have no husband to hold my hand, to comfort me,
i don't know if most people understand, but it's a big difference when your husband is there for you, it's a different bond than a family bond...
and i'm going to hurt and be scared, and my parents can't help much because they don't want me to love T anymore,
but i can't help it, u feel what u feel.
sorry i have not written since monday or whatever.
it was nice to see my neice, but it wore me out.
and now i want to have a baby too because she is so sweet, and i am sad i cannot see her again for a long time.
i try to sleep so i am not sad.
i am not brave enough right now to 'face it' and be brave. it's going to hurt and i know it, and it's going to hurt for a long, long while.
i got back my diamond ring (finally) today, but when i looked at it, there was no love there, it was dull, kinda 'spitting me in the face',
saying 'ha ha, your husband doesn't love u anymore...' ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, you are not worth anything anymore, ha ha ha ha, it was all a big joke...that's how i feel...
it doesn't even fit on me anymore because i lost so much weight, and i found out that the blood test from monday said i am anemic.
great, going into heart surgery, when i'm anemic, is not a good sign...
going into heart surgery when i'm only 100 pounds is not a good sign...
going into heart surgery when i am sad because my husband doesn't care and won't even see me or call me or email me to say, 'i care, and good luck...'
that's the worst for me because i believe in 'mind over matter' and that attitude and how u feel when you go into surgery makes a big difference.
knowing that T doesn't care makes a HUGE difference...it makes me more scared...
...the cats are giving me very, very strange stares, like they know i will be leaving...
i am afraid my guardian angels are not watching over me here on earth anymore, i am afraid they are waiting for me in heaven.
i can't sleep at night...
i'm afraid of the pain the surgery will be...why did god, or whoever is in charge, do this to me...
and if i am in pain, and they can't control it, they will just let me suffer...maybe they don't care either...
i liked when T cared about me...it gave me strength and motivation to get better...my family is being nice to me, but only because, i think, they have to be nice to me...
i don't have a good feeling about this.
i am scared and i am going to be alone. i need T to hold my hand...he doesn't have to be there all the time, just a little bit to hold my hand, he doesn't even have to say anything...
this hospital is the farthest one from my home, my parents will only be only be able to visit me for a little bit, maybe even not every day!
it will be too hard on them. it will be too hard on them to help me when i get home.
i know they don't want to have to help me, it's too hard, on everyone,
i don't have the confidence, strength, courage, and not going to be able to be brave.
i get so tired lately...
i have to have the surgery. i don't know how well i will recover.
T helped me so much,
how can he sleep at night knowing how hard this is for me...
...how hard he is making it for my parents.
i've asked almost everyone i know to ask him to help, to do at least SOMETHING, no luck.
i am sad and scared, and cannot sleep, and i get sooooo tired and my heart pounds and pounds and pounds.
i wanted to have a baby the same time my niece was born. it's just not fair.
i don't know how to get through the weekend. i want to be brave, but i have a feeling i will just get more scared as Monday comes closer.
why am i being punished? it's not fair...
JOANNAJEAN
Thursday, February 18, 2010
CH9:CARDIOLOGIST
CH9; CARDIOLOGIST VISIT
The Day His Prozac Kicked In...
I saw the CARDIOLOGIST yesterday to get all the particulars about my OPEN HEART SURGERY on March 1st, which is coming up SOON...
He's a nice man, my info in a nutshell, some were SHOCKING SURPRISES, a.k.a., things I didn't learn in MEDICAL SCHOOL...
*4 Hour long surgery (I thought it was 2 hours...)
*My WHOLE BODY will basically be SHUT DOWN, meaning...
*My heart will be 'PUT TO REST' as he described (does that mean I'll be
technically DEAD?)
*and CHILLED....
*I will be put on a HEART-LUNG MACHINE, BUT...
*I will still have damaging effects on my whole body...
*He said about 1 week in the hospital, but I have a feeling it will be
more...
*The most shocking thing he told me was that for about a month POST-
OP, because of my LIVER being affected, I won't be able to eat much
because things won't taste good...THAT SUCKS!
*I will have PAIN in my BACK because of them cranking open my
STERNUM, which puts pressure on the spinal nerves, which sucks
because, now, NO MATTER, which way I lay, I will hurt...
*I will need AT LEAST 2 units of blood (which I will ask from my DAD)
*because of the opening of my STERNUM, I will have 'temporary'
(I hope), tingling and numbness of my arms...which REALLY
SUCKS...
*I need a MECHANICAL VALVE, which means I have to be on BLOOD
THINNERS the rest of my life, which REALLY SUCKS TOO, but...
*he said I could still have a baby by switching to another BLOOD
THINNER, which I THINK is GOOD NEWS, it just kinda scares me
to be on blood thinners because I already bruise VERY easily
*I have to give him credit, he actually spent like 30 or 45 minutes
talking to me, which was really nice...
It's always STRESSFUL for me to go to the doctor because it reminds me of all of the things WRONG with me. It helps lately that my Mom or Dad goes with me,
but I still don't get the world and why God (or whoever is in charge) gave me all these problems...It just isn't FAIR!
I'm still REALLY bruised up from the ANGIOGRAM, but the Cardiologist checked and said it's normal.
I still have my BLADDER infection, and he kindly sent a new prescription to the PHARMACY for more CIPRO.
He said the worst complication there could be after the surgery is INFECTION, which I pretty much already knew...
but I was worried about INTERNAL BLEEDING, which he said you can't really feel, so that STILL worries me...
Anyway, so about 10 more days until the surgery.
I got a letter when I got home (regular SNAIL MAIL, LOL)...telling me all my PRE-OP and PRE-ADMISSION appointments, so that answered a lot of my questions too. You know, CHEST X-RAYS, BLOOD TESTS, HISTORY & PHYSICAL, all that...
So, I'm pretty down...
because it's going to be an AWFUL recovery, and a LOT OF PAIN. And since I've been on pain medications for a long time, I'm 'TOLERANT,' so they have to increase the dosage, and sometimes the nurses freak out, or the people at the PHARMACY freak out, giving out pain meds, I guess they don't understand, and think I just am an addict.
I hate when I get that look, they don't understand and it makes me feel like I'm a horrible person...
I emailed these details to T, but no answer as of yet...which makes me sad, because I know he won't talk to me or see me before my surgery. I think it would really make a difference if he gave me some words of confidence, so that makes me sad that he's ignoring me...
Anyway, I also have to have a CHEST TUBE to make sure my lungs re-inflate after the surgery, and I saw a chest tube put in when I was in MEDICAL SCHOOL, so I know it will HURT HURT HURT.
I will also be on a VENTILATOR, which I've been on before, and that's like just pure TORTURE.
...but I don't have a choice...it has to be done...
So, I'm not very happy, and I'm scared of all the pain, and I'm terrified of any COMPLICATIONS that may occur.
Also, I know my Mom and Dad will help, but knowing I won't have the comfort and support of the husband who (I thought) loved me so much, doesn't make me very confident about my emotional state.
Anyway, I just hope I'll be able to breathe ok after the surgery, and I'm sad about it.
I guess it's good that there's a way to FIX IT, but honestly, that doesn't really provide me with any comfort.
I guess that's it for now. I just have to keep my wits. Have a lot of phone calls to make tomorrow, you know--INSURANCE, stuff like that...
I'm just low on COURAGE right now, and having DEPRESSION doesn't help much, and of course I'm SCARED.
Everyone can say all the support and advice to me they want, which I truly appreciate, but I'M THE ONE who has to go through all the PAIN and FEAR...
I don't know how people handle this...LIFE is SCARY.
Maybe I'll get a little encouragement from T, I shouldn't wish for that, because he wants NOTHING to do with me anymore and I should just let him be...but, I'm SCARED...
Until next time...
JOANNAJEAN
The Day His Prozac Kicked In...
I saw the CARDIOLOGIST yesterday to get all the particulars about my OPEN HEART SURGERY on March 1st, which is coming up SOON...
He's a nice man, my info in a nutshell, some were SHOCKING SURPRISES, a.k.a., things I didn't learn in MEDICAL SCHOOL...
*4 Hour long surgery (I thought it was 2 hours...)
*My WHOLE BODY will basically be SHUT DOWN, meaning...
*My heart will be 'PUT TO REST' as he described (does that mean I'll be
technically DEAD?)
*and CHILLED....
*I will be put on a HEART-LUNG MACHINE, BUT...
*I will still have damaging effects on my whole body...
*He said about 1 week in the hospital, but I have a feeling it will be
more...
*The most shocking thing he told me was that for about a month POST-
OP, because of my LIVER being affected, I won't be able to eat much
because things won't taste good...THAT SUCKS!
*I will have PAIN in my BACK because of them cranking open my
STERNUM, which puts pressure on the spinal nerves, which sucks
because, now, NO MATTER, which way I lay, I will hurt...
*I will need AT LEAST 2 units of blood (which I will ask from my DAD)
*because of the opening of my STERNUM, I will have 'temporary'
(I hope), tingling and numbness of my arms...which REALLY
SUCKS...
*I need a MECHANICAL VALVE, which means I have to be on BLOOD
THINNERS the rest of my life, which REALLY SUCKS TOO, but...
*he said I could still have a baby by switching to another BLOOD
THINNER, which I THINK is GOOD NEWS, it just kinda scares me
to be on blood thinners because I already bruise VERY easily
*I have to give him credit, he actually spent like 30 or 45 minutes
talking to me, which was really nice...
It's always STRESSFUL for me to go to the doctor because it reminds me of all of the things WRONG with me. It helps lately that my Mom or Dad goes with me,
but I still don't get the world and why God (or whoever is in charge) gave me all these problems...It just isn't FAIR!
I'm still REALLY bruised up from the ANGIOGRAM, but the Cardiologist checked and said it's normal.
I still have my BLADDER infection, and he kindly sent a new prescription to the PHARMACY for more CIPRO.
He said the worst complication there could be after the surgery is INFECTION, which I pretty much already knew...
but I was worried about INTERNAL BLEEDING, which he said you can't really feel, so that STILL worries me...
Anyway, so about 10 more days until the surgery.
I got a letter when I got home (regular SNAIL MAIL, LOL)...telling me all my PRE-OP and PRE-ADMISSION appointments, so that answered a lot of my questions too. You know, CHEST X-RAYS, BLOOD TESTS, HISTORY & PHYSICAL, all that...
So, I'm pretty down...
because it's going to be an AWFUL recovery, and a LOT OF PAIN. And since I've been on pain medications for a long time, I'm 'TOLERANT,' so they have to increase the dosage, and sometimes the nurses freak out, or the people at the PHARMACY freak out, giving out pain meds, I guess they don't understand, and think I just am an addict.
I hate when I get that look, they don't understand and it makes me feel like I'm a horrible person...
I emailed these details to T, but no answer as of yet...which makes me sad, because I know he won't talk to me or see me before my surgery. I think it would really make a difference if he gave me some words of confidence, so that makes me sad that he's ignoring me...
Anyway, I also have to have a CHEST TUBE to make sure my lungs re-inflate after the surgery, and I saw a chest tube put in when I was in MEDICAL SCHOOL, so I know it will HURT HURT HURT.
I will also be on a VENTILATOR, which I've been on before, and that's like just pure TORTURE.
...but I don't have a choice...it has to be done...
So, I'm not very happy, and I'm scared of all the pain, and I'm terrified of any COMPLICATIONS that may occur.
Also, I know my Mom and Dad will help, but knowing I won't have the comfort and support of the husband who (I thought) loved me so much, doesn't make me very confident about my emotional state.
Anyway, I just hope I'll be able to breathe ok after the surgery, and I'm sad about it.
I guess it's good that there's a way to FIX IT, but honestly, that doesn't really provide me with any comfort.
I guess that's it for now. I just have to keep my wits. Have a lot of phone calls to make tomorrow, you know--INSURANCE, stuff like that...
I'm just low on COURAGE right now, and having DEPRESSION doesn't help much, and of course I'm SCARED.
Everyone can say all the support and advice to me they want, which I truly appreciate, but I'M THE ONE who has to go through all the PAIN and FEAR...
I don't know how people handle this...LIFE is SCARY.
Maybe I'll get a little encouragement from T, I shouldn't wish for that, because he wants NOTHING to do with me anymore and I should just let him be...but, I'm SCARED...
Until next time...
JOANNAJEAN
Thursday, February 11, 2010
CH7: Date of my surgery...
ch7; the date of my open heart surgery is march 1st,2010, a monday...
I can't sleep again, so i thought i'd give a quick update...
I am sad because a month from now I will be hurting and alone with no one to hold my hand. They are basically reconstructing half of my heart,
and to tell you the truth, i think it was T who literally BROKE my heart. he can (and has run away) from the situation, but i can't. and today the insurance called and i have to call them back tomorrow, there is some kind of problem, which i don't get because i have a PPO insurance.
and with the divorce proceedings...now T says i'm NOT to sign the papers and he is going to do it default through his attorney. so now our plan is all befuddled and i have mixed feelings about it.
i hope maybe he'll change his mind and if i recover from the heart surgery strongly, which will make me happier, and depending on how i feel i can get a job and maybe fight for my diploma again...
he is stubborn, like his dad, and doesn't think he can change his mind and let me back into his life in 'baby steps...'
anyway, that is my update for now. i've been really weak since i went on the cipro, but that's better than being nauseated. and my groin still hurts from the angiogram i had. those things are NASTY!
i have another cute kitty story that my Mom wrote, i'll include it in my next chapter. and try to get a picture too.
take care,
JOANNAJEAN
I can't sleep again, so i thought i'd give a quick update...
I am sad because a month from now I will be hurting and alone with no one to hold my hand. They are basically reconstructing half of my heart,
and to tell you the truth, i think it was T who literally BROKE my heart. he can (and has run away) from the situation, but i can't. and today the insurance called and i have to call them back tomorrow, there is some kind of problem, which i don't get because i have a PPO insurance.
and with the divorce proceedings...now T says i'm NOT to sign the papers and he is going to do it default through his attorney. so now our plan is all befuddled and i have mixed feelings about it.
i hope maybe he'll change his mind and if i recover from the heart surgery strongly, which will make me happier, and depending on how i feel i can get a job and maybe fight for my diploma again...
he is stubborn, like his dad, and doesn't think he can change his mind and let me back into his life in 'baby steps...'
anyway, that is my update for now. i've been really weak since i went on the cipro, but that's better than being nauseated. and my groin still hurts from the angiogram i had. those things are NASTY!
i have another cute kitty story that my Mom wrote, i'll include it in my next chapter. and try to get a picture too.
take care,
JOANNAJEAN
Monday, February 1, 2010
THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN; CHAPTER 1
Hello Bloggers and fellow readers...
CHAPTER 1:
I have a very detailed SUMMARY INTRODUCTION to my blog. I think you will find it very interesting, and I hope that not only will you read it and use my entries to add to your own life, but i also hope that you will use YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCES to add to my life experiences and life philosophies...
FIRST, let me just briefly explain what my title means...
THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...
Well, basically, my blog is a JOURNAL OR PERSONAL DIARY of things that have happened to me, things that DO happen to me on a daily basis, QUESTIONS i have about life, and PHILOSOPHIES of life i have recieved by observation and other important people in my life...
I first wanted to title my BLOG, "IT SUCKS TO BE ME..." but i figured that would be too negative...so i thought my 2nd choice;
THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...
would spark a little more interest in what my blog is all about. So I look forward to writing my blog, and i'll write in a short list a few things i will write about, i guess i'll partition my 'journal' or 'BLOG ENTRIES' into CHAPTERS;
This is CHAPTER 1; INTRODUCTION TO 'THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..." summary and introduction.
Basically, so you know a little about me,
I am going through a DIVORCE;
I am 33 YEARS OLD
I am NOT HANDLING THE DIVORCE WELL AT ALL...
It has been 2 YEARS since the DIVORCE PROCESS has all started...
but, of course, that's not all there is about me...
ADDITIONALLY;
I have really bad HEALTH PROBLEMS;
including; CROHN'S, OSTEOPOROSIS, MAJOR DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, MIGRAINES, and of course, several more, of which i didn't list at this time... all of these health problems have caused me several, several other problems, and major complications including (from most recent on...)
CARDIAC PROBLEMS, including AORTIC VALVE INSUFFICIENCY (SEVERE), AORTIC ANEURYSM (SEVERE), BROKEN HIP (HIP REPLACEMENT SURGERY just a few months ago in November, 2009), CATARACTS, KYPHOPLASTY surgery (for the broken vertebrae), ADRENAL INSUFFICIENCY, and...
I have OPEN HEART SURGERY coming up, which is my most current major concern, and i'm really scared because the surgeon said there is a 10% chance of not even surviving the operation! Boy, that threw my Mom and I for a loop...I guess that'll be a separate 'CHAPTER' in my blog...
Anyway...to get back to my summary...I have to take so many MEDICATIONS, that it really is hard to keep track of taking them every day, and of course they all cause side effects...
LASTLY, in summary, I was 99.9% done with MEDICAL SCHOOL and was all set up to start an internship in FAMILY MEDICINE. I had this DREAM since I was 15 years old, and i actually had jumped through all the hoops and got the grades at UCLA for undergrad, and everything seemed to work out until the cursed COMLEX 2CE.
It should have been easy enough...with over a 90% nationwide pass rate, but i took that darn test 7 times and didn't pass.
I guess I could have named my blog, 'SHATTERED DREAMS' but it seems sort of cliche, so i went with something that i thought would 'stand out' more...
So you can kind of see a pattern...FAILURE of COMLEX, FAILURE of marriage, we had to have a BANKRUPTCY (which made the marriage even more shaky), and then there was a downfall for me from there on, a 'slippery slope' you could say...
things kept getting worse HEALTHWISE, EMPLOYMENT-WISE, MARRIAGE-WISE, SELF-ESTEEM-WISE,
my DEPRESSION worsened, my HUSBAND left me,
and his life seemed to get BETTER AND BETTER in all ways possible since he left me, which made me feel worse...
But that's just what has happened in the past couple years. I have a lot of chapters other than that...
And I chose not to title my blog "IT SUCKS TO BE ME..." because i didn't want people to think i was just a boring pessimist, i have a lot of optimism in me as well...but those are other chapters...
So I guess that will wrap up
CHAPTER 1 of "THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..."
signed;
JOANNAJEAN
P.S. I guess it wouldn't be fair if i didn't explain the reasoning behind naming my blog
"THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..."
Well...the day my husband's PROZAC kicked in, he realized how depressed he really was, which he blamed on me, and this whole 'slippery slope' thing really began, although, at that time i was in MAJOR DENIAL (well, i believe i STILL AM in a lot of DENIAL...)
and, unfortunately, I believe it was basically the day he decided to leave me, which is why this title is so important to me...
this day was well over 2 years ago.
I'm still in love with him, and have a secret hope (well...I guess NOT so secret) that he still loves me, but he resents me for him getting depressed to the point where he had to go on Prozac in the first place...
I think that explains my reasoning for naming my blog. I have a lot to learn, so bear with me, but i hope my stories will be interesting to you.
And to hold you over to CHAPTER 2, which I haven't named yet,
I'll tell you, that I really did enjoy MEDICAL SCHOOL, and if there is one very important lesson i learned in medical school is that
EVERYONE'S LIFE IS DIFFICULT FOR THEM;
and i'm sure that you will agree with me...
that includes EVERYONE i've encountered...surgeons, surgeon's daughters, medical students, medical students' spouses (duh!), and of course PATIENTS, and other health-care providers, and PARENTS, and KIDS, and TEACHERS, and PROFESSORS, and just plain EVERYONE.
Lastly, EVERYONE HAS A STORY TO TELL, and i hope people will contribute to my blog by sharing snippets of their lives, so that others can read them and learn from them...
Thanks for reading, I hope this turns out to be a helpful and successful BLOG for everyone that reads and contributes...
Take care,
JOANNAJEAN
CHAPTER 1:
I have a very detailed SUMMARY INTRODUCTION to my blog. I think you will find it very interesting, and I hope that not only will you read it and use my entries to add to your own life, but i also hope that you will use YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCES to add to my life experiences and life philosophies...
FIRST, let me just briefly explain what my title means...
THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...
Well, basically, my blog is a JOURNAL OR PERSONAL DIARY of things that have happened to me, things that DO happen to me on a daily basis, QUESTIONS i have about life, and PHILOSOPHIES of life i have recieved by observation and other important people in my life...
I first wanted to title my BLOG, "IT SUCKS TO BE ME..." but i figured that would be too negative...so i thought my 2nd choice;
THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...
would spark a little more interest in what my blog is all about. So I look forward to writing my blog, and i'll write in a short list a few things i will write about, i guess i'll partition my 'journal' or 'BLOG ENTRIES' into CHAPTERS;
This is CHAPTER 1; INTRODUCTION TO 'THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..." summary and introduction.
Basically, so you know a little about me,
I am going through a DIVORCE;
I am 33 YEARS OLD
I am NOT HANDLING THE DIVORCE WELL AT ALL...
It has been 2 YEARS since the DIVORCE PROCESS has all started...
but, of course, that's not all there is about me...
ADDITIONALLY;
I have really bad HEALTH PROBLEMS;
including; CROHN'S, OSTEOPOROSIS, MAJOR DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, MIGRAINES, and of course, several more, of which i didn't list at this time... all of these health problems have caused me several, several other problems, and major complications including (from most recent on...)
CARDIAC PROBLEMS, including AORTIC VALVE INSUFFICIENCY (SEVERE), AORTIC ANEURYSM (SEVERE), BROKEN HIP (HIP REPLACEMENT SURGERY just a few months ago in November, 2009), CATARACTS, KYPHOPLASTY surgery (for the broken vertebrae), ADRENAL INSUFFICIENCY, and...
I have OPEN HEART SURGERY coming up, which is my most current major concern, and i'm really scared because the surgeon said there is a 10% chance of not even surviving the operation! Boy, that threw my Mom and I for a loop...I guess that'll be a separate 'CHAPTER' in my blog...
Anyway...to get back to my summary...I have to take so many MEDICATIONS, that it really is hard to keep track of taking them every day, and of course they all cause side effects...
LASTLY, in summary, I was 99.9% done with MEDICAL SCHOOL and was all set up to start an internship in FAMILY MEDICINE. I had this DREAM since I was 15 years old, and i actually had jumped through all the hoops and got the grades at UCLA for undergrad, and everything seemed to work out until the cursed COMLEX 2CE.
It should have been easy enough...with over a 90% nationwide pass rate, but i took that darn test 7 times and didn't pass.
I guess I could have named my blog, 'SHATTERED DREAMS' but it seems sort of cliche, so i went with something that i thought would 'stand out' more...
So you can kind of see a pattern...FAILURE of COMLEX, FAILURE of marriage, we had to have a BANKRUPTCY (which made the marriage even more shaky), and then there was a downfall for me from there on, a 'slippery slope' you could say...
things kept getting worse HEALTHWISE, EMPLOYMENT-WISE, MARRIAGE-WISE, SELF-ESTEEM-WISE,
my DEPRESSION worsened, my HUSBAND left me,
and his life seemed to get BETTER AND BETTER in all ways possible since he left me, which made me feel worse...
But that's just what has happened in the past couple years. I have a lot of chapters other than that...
And I chose not to title my blog "IT SUCKS TO BE ME..." because i didn't want people to think i was just a boring pessimist, i have a lot of optimism in me as well...but those are other chapters...
So I guess that will wrap up
CHAPTER 1 of "THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..."
signed;
JOANNAJEAN
P.S. I guess it wouldn't be fair if i didn't explain the reasoning behind naming my blog
"THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..."
Well...the day my husband's PROZAC kicked in, he realized how depressed he really was, which he blamed on me, and this whole 'slippery slope' thing really began, although, at that time i was in MAJOR DENIAL (well, i believe i STILL AM in a lot of DENIAL...)
and, unfortunately, I believe it was basically the day he decided to leave me, which is why this title is so important to me...
this day was well over 2 years ago.
I'm still in love with him, and have a secret hope (well...I guess NOT so secret) that he still loves me, but he resents me for him getting depressed to the point where he had to go on Prozac in the first place...
I think that explains my reasoning for naming my blog. I have a lot to learn, so bear with me, but i hope my stories will be interesting to you.
And to hold you over to CHAPTER 2, which I haven't named yet,
I'll tell you, that I really did enjoy MEDICAL SCHOOL, and if there is one very important lesson i learned in medical school is that
EVERYONE'S LIFE IS DIFFICULT FOR THEM;
and i'm sure that you will agree with me...
that includes EVERYONE i've encountered...surgeons, surgeon's daughters, medical students, medical students' spouses (duh!), and of course PATIENTS, and other health-care providers, and PARENTS, and KIDS, and TEACHERS, and PROFESSORS, and just plain EVERYONE.
Lastly, EVERYONE HAS A STORY TO TELL, and i hope people will contribute to my blog by sharing snippets of their lives, so that others can read them and learn from them...
Thanks for reading, I hope this turns out to be a helpful and successful BLOG for everyone that reads and contributes...
Take care,
JOANNAJEAN
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)