Chapter 21; ALONE; part VII (ending)
anyway, so like 745pm or so i tried to rest and i was afraid i'd die, so i asked dad to just stay there for awhile and make sure i didn't die. he just nodded and sat there. i told him he could go, just check on me before he left. i let myself go, and it felt wierd, because you know how in cartoons and stuff, how they show dead people with their tongues hanging out? well, that's how i felt, i was so spent, that i thought i was going to die because i could feel my tongue like it was falling out of my mouth like i was a dead woman. totally freaked the hell out of me, and i think i even told my dad...
anyway, i slept and had a totally psychadelic trippy dream. when i woke up, it was only 9pm and this voice in the wall (the intercom), he said 'Joanna, sweetie, are you alright?' it was nice of him to be so kind, he had a very purry, comforting voice. I told him, 'yeah, i just have to pee, i'm ok.' my dad must have told them i was scared and to check on me.
i think that night, it was J who took care of me, i think. i had that headache and was scared to go to sleep. but she told me she'd check on me in an hour, and somehow that comforted me, and i was able to drift off.
that psychadelic dream i had though, ew, it was wierd and freaky. it revolved around the clicks and whirling sound that the IV was making, that and my headache, and i was hot and uncomfortable.
the dream was about underground compartments that everyone's soul or spirit is trapped in. and this spirit you have has only one chance in it's life, or in it's eternity to 'snap' one picture, and one picture only...so you have to watch and wait for the perfect snapshot, because once you take it, that's YOUR picture, your mark on eternity, and that's IT, your gone, your dead, vanished.
So i followed all these people during this dream and their 'snapshots.' I remember, in particular, JP. He had a beautiful snapshot, it was curvy and a little swirly, it was a large marble, with the blue and greenish swirls within the marble, i know you've seen those type of marbles, and it was bright, like acrylic paints or a mosaic, like stained glass, that type of brightness and color, and this orb was contained in a, kind of like an old-fashioned wooden house-shaped watering well, very pretty, i could probably paint or draw it, and it's sitting on a green, grassy little hill, and it's lit somehow from the side so all the colors show, but there's a hint of a shadow too. and there's a little bit of a blue backround, lighter blue at the bottom, and getting darker blue toward the top, and nearly black at the very top. i can picture it.
lots of the innocent and young people who got to take 'snapshots' were similar, but with hues of pink, and swirls of yellow-orange. i think there was one for my dad, but i don't really remember it...but the one for JP was very vivid, i think because he has blue eyes.
If there was one for T it was yellow, a stark yellow with a bite - a contrasting stripe of orange running right through the middle, like an unsymettrical corkscrew, even like an umbilical cord, strange enough, very strong and distinct, absolute - if that's the right word...
strange, maybe eyes are gates to someone's soul, even though T doesn't have yellow eyes, he definately has a strong, undenying, and definitive spirit...
anyway, i don't think i had a snapshot for myself, i was kind of like witnessing the snapshots of other people, even strangers, but the 'snap' corresponded, i realized when i woke up, to the 'snap' that the IV made when it switched from the vancomycin to the normal saline. isn't that strange?
and then the whirring of the pump was like the 'roller coaster' i felt like i was on while i was watching the snapshots, cool, huh? i would definately say that was a 'trip,' but i wasn't really on any mind-altering drugs, it was more like a loss of blood and trauma that caused the dream. but boy, it was hard to sleep that night, i had bad muscle spasms in my head, neck, and all down my back too. ick.
i wish i could remember the snapshot i had for myself, i think there was some brilliant red in it, i think for sure there was some red, i think like sunrise or sunset colors too, kinda smudged in there.
anyway, i had been wanting to write that for awhile now, it was a very difficult day, that friday. i had been so uncomfortable with the bed and the diet and the muscle spasms and them not treating my anxiety, those are some of the reasons i had to leave on sunday, i just had to get out of there!
JOANNAJEAN
(end)
Showing posts with label IV. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IV. Show all posts
Thursday, April 15, 2010
chapter 21; part VI
Chapter 21; ALONE; part VI
finally after about like 20 minutes, when everything was calmed down and cleaned up and G had left, my dad walked in, and i was like, 'where the hell have you been! do you KNOW what i just went through!' well, i said that fleetingly in my head and just choked as i told him, 'dad, i stood up and HALF MY BODY FELL OUT OF ME..' i told him this in a weak voice and he didn't hear me. he said, 'huh?' and i took a breath and repeated, 'dad,' and took another breath, 'they took out the tube, and i stood up and all this fluid came out, it was like half of my body fell to the floor.' he just looked at me as to say again, 'huh?' He looked at me dumbly, then looked around - everything looked fine - and he said, 'hmm,' and sat down. he had no idea, and i was too tired to explain further.
i had already been through enough that afternoon. the chest tube coming out, then getting cleaned up. before that, G had brilliantly put in an IV in my left forearm so that the neck IV could be removed later.
also, i had had a strange call from JP earlier where he seemed to have no clue in the universe what the hell i was talking about, he just kept saying, 'yeah, well, i understand that...yeah, hmm.' i tried to explain how wrong it all was, but he either wasn't listening or didn't get it or was on something, so i just hung up the phone and shook my head, it wasn't worth trying to get him to get it.
so, yes, the rest of that friday was extremely traumatic, but at least my dad was there to kind of help me through it. M took the neck line out of me just before the end of shift. G was scared of me at that point and was avoiding us.
Then, to cause more angst... at the end of the day, we were all exhausted, and in comes the nutritionist to give us a delightful discussion about the wonderful cardiac diet, and to LECTURE me about the fact that i haven't eaten and dietary will take special measures to make sure i get something i can eat. my dad and i were so tired at that point, we didn't want any lectures about diet or what i should or shouldn't be eating. i think we were a little rude to her, and i swear she was in my high school class, but we were just so tired...
dad stayed with me, tried to get me to eat some dinner, i think he helped me eat a little of it. my taste was all off after getting so many tubes taken out of me.
I shouldn't have tensed so much when M took out the neck line, because it made it bleed more, and being tensed made my heart pound, which made the blood come out more, which wasn't good. i should have just relaxed, but i forgot, but it really hurt, all that tape, it was like she was ripping my face off, ick.
and afterwards, and for like 3 weeks after that, i had this horrible hollow-like headache, my head felt 'tinny' like it was a tin can with not enough blood in it, and my head would pound diagonally from where the neck line was, across to the other side of my skull, and then roll around the top cranium part.
so around 7 i was with dad, just trying to recover, and i was resting and like 730pm or so, P comes bounding in. it was nice to see her, and a surprise, and she had a strange, but appropriately suited 'psychadelic' get-well card, and a very pretty potted plant.
she was scared to death of me because my sternum scar was showing and there was blood showing thru the steri-strips. i didn't know that, or i would have pulled my gown up a bit. Poor P, she was very nice though, and stayed just a few minutes, she said she had a date she was looking forward to, and she was dressed the part. i was totally on the other side, you know, the real world vs. the hospital world, so i had temporarily forgotten about dates people go on, like normal for a Friday night, or parties or socializing or friends, or driving, or anything like that, normal.
i was just scared that there wasn't enough blood in my head and i felt a little wierd and spooky after she left. i told the night nurse that, and that i was scared. i shouldn't have been scared though because they had that wireless monitor on me, and apparently it worked, because a couple days later they came to check on me when i got out of bed and my heart rate went up to 140.
JOANNAJEAN
(part VII next...)
finally after about like 20 minutes, when everything was calmed down and cleaned up and G had left, my dad walked in, and i was like, 'where the hell have you been! do you KNOW what i just went through!' well, i said that fleetingly in my head and just choked as i told him, 'dad, i stood up and HALF MY BODY FELL OUT OF ME..' i told him this in a weak voice and he didn't hear me. he said, 'huh?' and i took a breath and repeated, 'dad,' and took another breath, 'they took out the tube, and i stood up and all this fluid came out, it was like half of my body fell to the floor.' he just looked at me as to say again, 'huh?' He looked at me dumbly, then looked around - everything looked fine - and he said, 'hmm,' and sat down. he had no idea, and i was too tired to explain further.
i had already been through enough that afternoon. the chest tube coming out, then getting cleaned up. before that, G had brilliantly put in an IV in my left forearm so that the neck IV could be removed later.
also, i had had a strange call from JP earlier where he seemed to have no clue in the universe what the hell i was talking about, he just kept saying, 'yeah, well, i understand that...yeah, hmm.' i tried to explain how wrong it all was, but he either wasn't listening or didn't get it or was on something, so i just hung up the phone and shook my head, it wasn't worth trying to get him to get it.
so, yes, the rest of that friday was extremely traumatic, but at least my dad was there to kind of help me through it. M took the neck line out of me just before the end of shift. G was scared of me at that point and was avoiding us.
Then, to cause more angst... at the end of the day, we were all exhausted, and in comes the nutritionist to give us a delightful discussion about the wonderful cardiac diet, and to LECTURE me about the fact that i haven't eaten and dietary will take special measures to make sure i get something i can eat. my dad and i were so tired at that point, we didn't want any lectures about diet or what i should or shouldn't be eating. i think we were a little rude to her, and i swear she was in my high school class, but we were just so tired...
dad stayed with me, tried to get me to eat some dinner, i think he helped me eat a little of it. my taste was all off after getting so many tubes taken out of me.
I shouldn't have tensed so much when M took out the neck line, because it made it bleed more, and being tensed made my heart pound, which made the blood come out more, which wasn't good. i should have just relaxed, but i forgot, but it really hurt, all that tape, it was like she was ripping my face off, ick.
and afterwards, and for like 3 weeks after that, i had this horrible hollow-like headache, my head felt 'tinny' like it was a tin can with not enough blood in it, and my head would pound diagonally from where the neck line was, across to the other side of my skull, and then roll around the top cranium part.
so around 7 i was with dad, just trying to recover, and i was resting and like 730pm or so, P comes bounding in. it was nice to see her, and a surprise, and she had a strange, but appropriately suited 'psychadelic' get-well card, and a very pretty potted plant.
she was scared to death of me because my sternum scar was showing and there was blood showing thru the steri-strips. i didn't know that, or i would have pulled my gown up a bit. Poor P, she was very nice though, and stayed just a few minutes, she said she had a date she was looking forward to, and she was dressed the part. i was totally on the other side, you know, the real world vs. the hospital world, so i had temporarily forgotten about dates people go on, like normal for a Friday night, or parties or socializing or friends, or driving, or anything like that, normal.
i was just scared that there wasn't enough blood in my head and i felt a little wierd and spooky after she left. i told the night nurse that, and that i was scared. i shouldn't have been scared though because they had that wireless monitor on me, and apparently it worked, because a couple days later they came to check on me when i got out of bed and my heart rate went up to 140.
JOANNAJEAN
(part VII next...)
Chapter 21: ALONE: part IV
Chapter 21: ALONE: part V
looking back, i don't see how i didn't faint, all of that fluid coming out of me at once, maybe because it wasn't in my central circulatory system, it was just like accessory excess fluid, that it didn't affect my blood pressure or anything.
anyway, back to subject, i wobbled to the bathroom, holding my gown so it wouldn't get more soaked and so i wouldn't trip on it. i weeble-wobbled toward the bathroom, and an aide with a mop walked in just as i reached the bathroom door.
she just looked at me, the mess, the bed, then back at me who was holding my gown in one hand and the IV pole in another hand. her eyes got real wide and she said 'what happened here!' in a voice that got high pitched at the end of her sentence, and in her southern accent. she just looked, she didn't know what to do.
i, myself, was a little aghast about the scene and in disbelief how bloody everything was. I just stood there, trying to keep my composure, and said, 'i'm ok...it's fluid from the chest tube. M just took the chest tube out of me. I had to pee.'
she never asked if i was ok. but she sure was shocked. she turned around to get G and i continued to the bathroom. I just had to pee so i didn't take long. G and the cleaning lady walked in and they mumbled amongst each other. I just stood there, helpless, what could i do or say, it wasn't my fault. I think i said, among their mumbling, 'i'm sorry,' in a weak voice...
Finally G got her nursing composure back and said, 'i'll handle it, i'll take care of it, i'll just clean it up, ok?'
so she left to get some linens and i hobbled back toward the bed. she had me sit on the chair, still dripping a little and completley naked and shaking and trembling.
i was tired, spent, and a little ashamed at the mess i had made, but there was nothing i could do, i was so tired but i sat up straight because i'd be MORE tired if i had to sit slumped.
i felt bad for G, i know she had other things to do for other patients, and i think she had been having a difficult day anyway in general, and she had to stop everything and tend to the mess i made.
but she did it, didn't complain, like a good old-fashioned nurse, did what she had to do, changed the bed linens, cleaned up the splatters on the floor, and put a new gown on me, all within a few minutes.
i still felt bad about it. we got me back in the bed with plenty of those incontinence pads on the bed this time, and she put on another dressing with a LOT of tape.
then finally i had a chance to catch my breath again, but boy was i tired. i was so tired, i was too tired to catch my breath!
JOANNAJEAN
(part VI next...)
looking back, i don't see how i didn't faint, all of that fluid coming out of me at once, maybe because it wasn't in my central circulatory system, it was just like accessory excess fluid, that it didn't affect my blood pressure or anything.
anyway, back to subject, i wobbled to the bathroom, holding my gown so it wouldn't get more soaked and so i wouldn't trip on it. i weeble-wobbled toward the bathroom, and an aide with a mop walked in just as i reached the bathroom door.
she just looked at me, the mess, the bed, then back at me who was holding my gown in one hand and the IV pole in another hand. her eyes got real wide and she said 'what happened here!' in a voice that got high pitched at the end of her sentence, and in her southern accent. she just looked, she didn't know what to do.
i, myself, was a little aghast about the scene and in disbelief how bloody everything was. I just stood there, trying to keep my composure, and said, 'i'm ok...it's fluid from the chest tube. M just took the chest tube out of me. I had to pee.'
she never asked if i was ok. but she sure was shocked. she turned around to get G and i continued to the bathroom. I just had to pee so i didn't take long. G and the cleaning lady walked in and they mumbled amongst each other. I just stood there, helpless, what could i do or say, it wasn't my fault. I think i said, among their mumbling, 'i'm sorry,' in a weak voice...
Finally G got her nursing composure back and said, 'i'll handle it, i'll take care of it, i'll just clean it up, ok?'
so she left to get some linens and i hobbled back toward the bed. she had me sit on the chair, still dripping a little and completley naked and shaking and trembling.
i was tired, spent, and a little ashamed at the mess i had made, but there was nothing i could do, i was so tired but i sat up straight because i'd be MORE tired if i had to sit slumped.
i felt bad for G, i know she had other things to do for other patients, and i think she had been having a difficult day anyway in general, and she had to stop everything and tend to the mess i made.
but she did it, didn't complain, like a good old-fashioned nurse, did what she had to do, changed the bed linens, cleaned up the splatters on the floor, and put a new gown on me, all within a few minutes.
i still felt bad about it. we got me back in the bed with plenty of those incontinence pads on the bed this time, and she put on another dressing with a LOT of tape.
then finally i had a chance to catch my breath again, but boy was i tired. i was so tired, i was too tired to catch my breath!
JOANNAJEAN
(part VI next...)
Saturday, February 6, 2010
CH5; ANGIOGRAM
CHAPTER 5; THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...
ANGIOGRAM
Today, well, yesterday, I had the CARDIAC ANGIOGRAM. It was about how I expected. I was GRUMPY and didn't want to go. It was RAINING and COLD, but my DAD was a good sport and took me...
The prepped me and did the IV and all the PAPERWORK...I was HUNGRY and WEAK and COLD (I was NPO, that's why i was hungry).
The CARDIOLOGIST was over a half hour late (but it was POURING...so i guess he got caught up in rain...) and the calming medicine, VERSED they gave me DIDN'T WORK AT ALL! I wish they would have just put me out, that was the WORST. They said I was 'resistant' because of all the PAIN MEDS i take, but i wish i could have been more groggy...
It took a good 45 minutes or so. Mayo Clinic had a good link, I'll share with you later, on what to expect. The 'FLUSHING' from the idea didn't hurt, but it still FREAKED me out. The LIDOCAINE shot in the femoral artery HURT A LOT, that sucked too.
Seemed to me they were in a hurry, which freaked me out too, but maybe that's how they do things...
They were done, I was afraid to MOVE and afraid to CRY for fear i'd mess something up since they had wires in my heart.
Anyway, afterwards, they put a LOT of pressure on the artery PUNCTURE site for 10 minutes and wheeled me to 'SHORT STAY.'
but as soon as i got there they found my pressure dressing was SOAKED with blood and, I couldn't see, but there was a huge puffy HEMATOMA there too. I couldn't see it, but i asked my dad later:
'they seemed really freaked out about the blood, how much was there?'
he said, 'all 4 gauze pads were soaked and it got on your legs, the gown, the bed, and the pillow,' boy, i guess that is a lot of blood.
so they put a huge 10 pound sandbag on it for 2 hours and there was no more bleeding and i rested and had a hospital turkey sandwich and rested some more.
my dad was real nice to stay there with me the whole time. i got to go home at 630pm but it was COLD and POURING rain!
got to go home, thank goodness. ate a little, went to bed. got up a little later to put on my nightshirt and started crying.
my dad found me crying and asked what was wrong...
i sobbed 'i didn't know it would hurt this much!...' because i was limping on the right leg where they did the ANGIOGRAM, but putting too much weight on the leg where they did the HIP REPLACEMENT, so i was HURTING A LOT!
so i decided to just take an AMBIEN an just try to go to bed and yeah, i feel better this morning, but i have a bruise the SIZE OF DELAWARE! I hope it will be ok.
NOT SOMETHING I'D EVER WANT TO DO AGAIN...
signed;
JOANNAJEAN
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/coronary-angiogram/MY00541/DSECTION=what-you-can-expect,
**The link above is a good resource on what to expect during an cardiac angiogram, however, take into consideration that every individual's experience is difference
ANGIOGRAM
Today, well, yesterday, I had the CARDIAC ANGIOGRAM. It was about how I expected. I was GRUMPY and didn't want to go. It was RAINING and COLD, but my DAD was a good sport and took me...
The prepped me and did the IV and all the PAPERWORK...I was HUNGRY and WEAK and COLD (I was NPO, that's why i was hungry).
The CARDIOLOGIST was over a half hour late (but it was POURING...so i guess he got caught up in rain...) and the calming medicine, VERSED they gave me DIDN'T WORK AT ALL! I wish they would have just put me out, that was the WORST. They said I was 'resistant' because of all the PAIN MEDS i take, but i wish i could have been more groggy...
It took a good 45 minutes or so. Mayo Clinic had a good link, I'll share with you later, on what to expect. The 'FLUSHING' from the idea didn't hurt, but it still FREAKED me out. The LIDOCAINE shot in the femoral artery HURT A LOT, that sucked too.
Seemed to me they were in a hurry, which freaked me out too, but maybe that's how they do things...
They were done, I was afraid to MOVE and afraid to CRY for fear i'd mess something up since they had wires in my heart.
Anyway, afterwards, they put a LOT of pressure on the artery PUNCTURE site for 10 minutes and wheeled me to 'SHORT STAY.'
but as soon as i got there they found my pressure dressing was SOAKED with blood and, I couldn't see, but there was a huge puffy HEMATOMA there too. I couldn't see it, but i asked my dad later:
'they seemed really freaked out about the blood, how much was there?'
he said, 'all 4 gauze pads were soaked and it got on your legs, the gown, the bed, and the pillow,' boy, i guess that is a lot of blood.
so they put a huge 10 pound sandbag on it for 2 hours and there was no more bleeding and i rested and had a hospital turkey sandwich and rested some more.
my dad was real nice to stay there with me the whole time. i got to go home at 630pm but it was COLD and POURING rain!
got to go home, thank goodness. ate a little, went to bed. got up a little later to put on my nightshirt and started crying.
my dad found me crying and asked what was wrong...
i sobbed 'i didn't know it would hurt this much!...' because i was limping on the right leg where they did the ANGIOGRAM, but putting too much weight on the leg where they did the HIP REPLACEMENT, so i was HURTING A LOT!
so i decided to just take an AMBIEN an just try to go to bed and yeah, i feel better this morning, but i have a bruise the SIZE OF DELAWARE! I hope it will be ok.
NOT SOMETHING I'D EVER WANT TO DO AGAIN...
signed;
JOANNAJEAN
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/coronary-angiogram/MY00541/DSECTION=what-you-can-expect,
**The link above is a good resource on what to expect during an cardiac angiogram, however, take into consideration that every individual's experience is difference
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