ch28

Tired...
Headache...
Sternal incision pain...

Surgeon basically said...'yeah, you'll have pain...LIVE WITH IT...'

or my favorite...'try TYLENOL...'
doesn't work...

frustrated...

too much PAIN...
for TOO LONG...

can't think about DIVORCE...
actually PHYSICALLY makes my HEART HURT...

NOT FAIR
NOT FAIR
NOT FAIR...

did u know if u take vorc
out of divorce
you get DIE?

like i said,
NOT FAIR!

thanks,
needed to vent..

one more thing...

can't even play on the computer...hurts my CHEST...annoying and NOT FAIR

NOT FAIR
NOT FAIR
NOT FAIR

ok,

JOANNAJEAN

ch13;friday

ch13;friday
the day his prozac kicked in...

i saw the doctor on monday, i've been upset ever since.  THAT is why i haven't written...

i had trouble on wednesday getting my pain medication.  i must be blacklisted...

do u know how it feels to be accussed of 'drug seeking' when it's obvious u have chronic, back wrenching pain, ALL THE TIME...

it makes me feel like people don't care about me.

my parents and sister have been very nice to me.

my 'mother-in-law' was nice enough to drop off my DVDs and my diamond ring which i have been asking for for 2 years...

but T hasn't answered me back...i feel like no one cares about me, it would mean so much to me if i knew he cared, if he called, if he came over to say goodbye, or even just to visit...

am i even worth this huge surgery that i have to do?

it's going to hurt, and i will have no husband to hold my hand, to comfort me,

i don't know if most people understand, but it's a big difference when your husband is there for you, it's a different bond than a family bond...

and i'm going to hurt and be scared, and my parents can't help much because they don't want me to love T anymore,

but i can't help it, u feel what u feel.

sorry i have not written since monday or whatever.

it was nice to see my neice, but it wore me out. 

and now i want to have a baby too because she is so sweet, and i am sad i cannot see her again for a long time. 

i try to sleep so i am not sad. 

i am not brave enough right now to 'face it' and be brave.  it's going to hurt and i know it, and it's going to hurt for a long, long while.

i got back my diamond ring (finally) today, but when i looked at it, there was no love there, it was dull, kinda 'spitting me in the face',

saying 'ha ha, your husband doesn't love u anymore...'  ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, you are not worth anything anymore, ha ha ha ha, it was all a big joke...that's how i feel...

it doesn't even fit on me anymore because i lost so much weight, and i found out that the blood test from monday said i am anemic. 

great, going into heart surgery, when i'm anemic, is not a good sign...

going into heart surgery when i'm only 100 pounds is not a good sign...

going into heart surgery when i am sad because my husband doesn't care and won't even see me or call me or email me to say, 'i care, and good luck...'

that's the worst for me because i believe in 'mind over matter' and that attitude and how u feel when you go into surgery makes a big difference. 

knowing that T doesn't care makes a HUGE difference...it makes me more scared...

...the cats are giving me very, very strange stares, like they know i will be leaving...

i am afraid my guardian angels are not watching over me here on earth anymore, i am afraid they are waiting for me in heaven.

i can't sleep at night...

i'm afraid of the pain the surgery will be...why did god, or whoever is in charge, do this to me...

and if i am in pain, and they can't control it, they will just let me suffer...maybe they don't care either...

i liked when T cared about me...it gave me strength and motivation to get better...my family is being nice to me, but only because, i think, they have to be nice to me...

i don't have a good feeling about this. 

i am scared and i am going to be alone.  i need T to hold my hand...he doesn't have to be there all the time, just a little bit to hold my hand, he doesn't even have to say anything...

this hospital is the farthest one from my home, my parents will only be only be able to visit me for a little bit, maybe even not every day! 

it will be too hard on them.  it will be too hard on them to help me when i get home. 

i know they don't want to have to help me, it's too hard, on everyone,

i don't have the confidence, strength, courage, and not going to be able to be brave.

i get so tired lately... 

i have to have the surgery.  i don't know how well i will recover. 

T helped me so much,

how can he sleep at night knowing how hard this is for me... 

...how hard he is making it for my parents. 

i've asked almost everyone i know to ask him to help, to do at least SOMETHING, no luck. 

i am sad and scared, and cannot sleep, and i get sooooo tired and my heart pounds and pounds and pounds. 

i wanted to have a baby the same time my niece was born.  it's just not fair.

i don't know how to get through the weekend.  i want to be brave, but i have a feeling i will just get more scared as Monday comes closer.

why am i being punished?  it's not fair...

JOANNAJEAN

THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN; CHAPTER 1

Hello Bloggers and fellow readers...

CHAPTER 1:

I have a very detailed SUMMARY INTRODUCTION to my blog. I think you will find it very interesting, and I hope that not only will you read it and use my entries to add to your own life, but i also hope that you will use YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCES to add to my life experiences and life philosophies...

FIRST, let me just briefly explain what my title means...

THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...

Well, basically, my blog is a JOURNAL OR PERSONAL DIARY of things that have happened to me, things that DO happen to me on a daily basis, QUESTIONS i have about life, and PHILOSOPHIES of life i have recieved by observation and other important people in my life...

I first wanted to title my BLOG, "IT SUCKS TO BE ME..." but i figured that would be too negative...so i thought my 2nd choice;

THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...

would spark a little more interest in what my blog is all about. So I look forward to writing my blog, and i'll write in a short list a few things i will write about, i guess i'll partition my 'journal' or 'BLOG ENTRIES' into CHAPTERS;

This is CHAPTER 1; INTRODUCTION TO 'THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..." summary and introduction.

Basically, so you know a little about me,

I am going through a DIVORCE;
I am 33 YEARS OLD
I am NOT HANDLING THE DIVORCE WELL AT ALL...
It has been 2 YEARS since the DIVORCE PROCESS has all started...

but, of course, that's not all there is about me...

ADDITIONALLY;

I have really bad HEALTH PROBLEMS;
including; CROHN'S, OSTEOPOROSIS, MAJOR DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, MIGRAINES, and of course, several more, of which i didn't list at this time... all of these health problems have caused me several, several other problems, and major complications including (from most recent on...)

CARDIAC PROBLEMS, including AORTIC VALVE INSUFFICIENCY (SEVERE), AORTIC ANEURYSM (SEVERE), BROKEN HIP (HIP REPLACEMENT SURGERY just a few months ago in November, 2009), CATARACTS, KYPHOPLASTY surgery (for the broken vertebrae), ADRENAL INSUFFICIENCY, and...

I have OPEN HEART SURGERY coming up, which is my most current major concern, and i'm really scared because the surgeon said there is a 10% chance of not even surviving the operation! Boy, that threw my Mom and I for a loop...I guess that'll be a separate 'CHAPTER' in my blog...

Anyway...to get back to my summary...I have to take so many MEDICATIONS, that it really is hard to keep track of taking them every day, and of course they all cause side effects...

LASTLY, in summary, I was 99.9% done with MEDICAL SCHOOL and was all set up to start an internship in FAMILY MEDICINE. I had this DREAM since I was 15 years old, and i actually had jumped through all the hoops and got the grades at UCLA for undergrad, and everything seemed to work out until the cursed COMLEX 2CE.

It should have been easy enough...with over a 90% nationwide pass rate, but i took that darn test 7 times and didn't pass.

I guess I could have named my blog, 'SHATTERED DREAMS' but it seems sort of cliche, so i went with something that i thought would 'stand out' more...

So you can kind of see a pattern...FAILURE of COMLEX, FAILURE of marriage, we had to have a BANKRUPTCY (which made the marriage even more shaky), and then there was a downfall for me from there on, a 'slippery slope' you could say...

things kept getting worse HEALTHWISE, EMPLOYMENT-WISE, MARRIAGE-WISE, SELF-ESTEEM-WISE,

my DEPRESSION worsened, my HUSBAND left me,

and his life seemed to get BETTER AND BETTER in all ways possible since he left me, which made me feel worse...

But that's just what has happened in the past couple years. I have a lot of chapters other than that...

And I chose not to title my blog "IT SUCKS TO BE ME..." because i didn't want people to think i was just a boring pessimist, i have a lot of optimism in me as well...but those are other chapters...

So I guess that will wrap up

CHAPTER 1 of "THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..."

signed;
JOANNAJEAN

P.S. I guess it wouldn't be fair if i didn't explain the reasoning behind naming my blog

"THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..."

Well...the day my husband's PROZAC kicked in, he realized how depressed he really was, which he blamed on me, and this whole 'slippery slope' thing really began, although, at that time i was in MAJOR DENIAL (well, i believe i STILL AM in a lot of DENIAL...)

and, unfortunately, I believe it was basically the day he decided to leave me, which is why this title is so important to me...

this day was well over 2 years ago.

I'm still in love with him, and have a secret hope (well...I guess NOT so secret) that he still loves me, but he resents me for him getting depressed to the point where he had to go on Prozac in the first place...

I think that explains my reasoning for naming my blog. I have a lot to learn, so bear with me, but i hope my stories will be interesting to you.

And to hold you over to CHAPTER 2, which I haven't named yet,

I'll tell you, that I really did enjoy MEDICAL SCHOOL, and if there is one very important lesson i learned in medical school is that

EVERYONE'S LIFE IS DIFFICULT FOR THEM;

and i'm sure that you will agree with me...

that includes EVERYONE i've encountered...surgeons, surgeon's daughters, medical students, medical students' spouses (duh!), and of course PATIENTS, and other health-care providers, and PARENTS, and KIDS, and TEACHERS, and PROFESSORS, and just plain EVERYONE.

Lastly, EVERYONE HAS A STORY TO TELL, and i hope people will contribute to my blog by sharing snippets of their lives, so that others can read them and learn from them...

Thanks for reading, I hope this turns out to be a helpful and successful BLOG for everyone that reads and contributes...

Take care,

JOANNAJEAN