CHAPTER 18; WHEN WILL THINGS GET BETTER?

Chapter 18:  When will things get better?

Just a general update for my blog.

1.  Why can't I seem to get anyone to read my blog?  I'm sure it's interesting enough.  I'm not a 'romance novelist' like in "Romancing the Stone," so I don't have that kind of 'interesting...'

2.  I am overwhelmingly SAD because T finally sent in the FINAL papers so the DIVORCE is going to be FINAL any day now...I have SO many feelings about that, that I shouldn't even start...what am I going to do?  I'm all alone in the world now, and sad...

3.  I am 40 days (or so) post-op from my open heart surgery, and I feel I'm at a stand-still.  At first I blamed the fact that the final divorce papers were sent in and that I was depressed, but now I think that is just part of the recipe.

4.  Surgery: (continued)  Like with the kyphoplasty I had, the 'literature' says, within six to eight weeks, you should be back to normal, me no.  I'm still sleeping a lot, and I'm still having CONSTANT pain. 

The pain is better, by better I mean less, but maybe because it's still there, ALL THE TIME, it's WEARING ME DOWN.

5.  I feel cooped up.  I want to drive and go out to eat (I've been living on grilled-cheese sandwiches, which is fine for now), but I wanted to be well enough to go out to eat too.  But driving still hurts like HE'double hockey sticks' (I remember Vera from the show 'Alice' used to say that...LOL).  So I have to wait on that too.

6.  I don't know what to do next with my life...teach?  i love to teach, but what?  go to school for a k-12 credential?  go to CSULB for the single subject science credential?  try to get a job for a city college? 

My dear friend Anna says go for a P.A.  I feel lost and sad, because I wanted to resume being a WIFE, and of course, I still feel bad failing as a physician...

7.  I feel bad for TinyBear, our grey kitty.  He got attacked 2 weeks ago by another cat and the injury is on the base of his tail and it won't heal.  He's an active kitty who wants to jump walls and chase grasshoppers, but that's not good for a tail that is trying to heal.  Poor kitty.

8.  I've just been generally sad lately, maybe I feel like TinyBear, wanting to (metaphorically) chase grasshoppers, but my body won't let me.  I hope you 'get' that. 

I want to do things, but I'm limited by the healing my body still has to do.

9.  Lately, I can tell my heart muscle itself hurts and is trying to heal. 

I stretch my left arm to turn on the light and the area just left of my incision suddenly gets a sharp, tearing, stinging, biting-type pain.  OUCH! 

Then it takes over an hour of being very still in bed and of course a pain pill for the hurt to dissipate...

10.  Mostly, my sadness is because of T.  And, he won't let me see him or talk to him on the phone. 

He even threatened to change his phone number or tell the court that I am 'harassing' him (which I don't believe - 3 phone messages over 2 weeks I don't believe is harassment...).

11.  I am upset about Medicare.  I want to keep my doctors, most whom I've known for over 20 years, and Medicaid doesn't cover them.  I am going to have to rely on cobra coverage somehow until I can get the coverage I want and can afford to keep.

12.  I am feeling worthless because I am not making any income.  So I've been falling for some of these 'make $ at home scams' and they don't seem to be working...

That's enough griping for now I think.  Mostly I'm upset about T, the divorce, being lonely, and still hurting, after well a month from the surgery date...and I'm still having spontaneous anxiety which is unsettling.....

JOANNAJEAN