chapter19; aversion....broken vows
another note on the divorce.....
it's 330am and i cannot sleep.
i am scared because any day now the divorce is going to be final and i will for real be all alone in my life.
that's how i feel. when that paper comes in the mail or i get that email, i'll be DEVASTATED...
T was / is the only man i've loved, the only man i've ever wanted to love, and the only man I ever want to love, and i feel that when the divorce is final, that'll be it...i'll be devastated and just be nothing,
i'll feel dissolved and alone...
i'll have no motivation for anything and i feel like i'll never be happy about anything really, ever again.
i'm already starting to feel like that. and i don't think i'll be able to handle it...it's just not fair...
aversion...i don't like that word, i think it is unfair...there was one more point i wanted to make,
T, i don't think i will be very enthusiastic about this life if i don't get to live it with you.
life had color and meaning when i was with you...
and goals meant something to me when i had them to share with you...
we've been apart over 2 years, i still dream about u every night and usually wake up crying because u r not there next to me, like u used to be
and i'm still sad i don't get to hold your hand and i don't get to say 'i love you' and get to hear you say it back...
with a failed marriage, i think i will always be sad.
this isn't like a suicide thing, i just know that my life will never be as happy as it was with you, T. i don't think you realize how much you meant to me, every minute of every day...
i've lived 33 years and even though i haven't been through everything there is to go through, i'd say i'd had more than my fair share, and i was able to get through it, and go forward, knowing you'd be at my side, no-matter what,
now that that belief has been shattered, never in a million years, did i think you'd leave...i trusted that we'd be together no matter what...
i don't believe my life will ever have the happiness and color that it did when i knew u loved me as a wife, and that out of all the girls you could have chosen, you picked me...
that always meant the world to me....
that's just how i feel and i pray you might still change your mind, but i know you won't and my heart will always be broken.
i just had to mention that, and that i'm still sad.
p.s. i still look at my engagement diamond ring and golden wedding ring every day (now that i have it...) and i've just about gained enough weight now (i lost so much during the surgery and weeks afterwards), that it almost fits again...
it fits on my finger just like the day you proposed to me, and the day we got married and you put the wedding band on my finger and we said our VOWS...
they both fit now...that is sad to me...i always wanted to wear them every day we were married, but i know they would have fallen off or got misplaced or something when i washed my hands or something.
the point is, they fit now, my wedding rings fit....
there was something else i wanted to say, but i forget...i love you, T.
Please don't leave me, don't divorce me, please???
JOANNAJEAN
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