I never thought I would have to EVER feel this way...so lost, so alone. I felt un-cared for...like everything could spill out of my body, just like it is right now, and no one would care, i would just kind of dissolve as I drifted to the floor. Finally, when the nurse came in, she'd just look at me, raise her eyes to heaven, sigh, and say...'now look at this mess I have to clean up....'
that's how i felt during one of the WORST times i've had at that hospital...what is missing is how light i felt, i felt like a feather, not just because i weighed so little, but because i felt light, light like no one cared, which is pretty much the harsh truth of what it was, at that point, i was pretty much just a hassle, to everyone and everything, except...when i think about it, i knew i wasn't going to die, i actually just accepted that for that moment, i wasn't important, and no one cared what i felt or what was happening to me...you know...ALONE...
so the nuts and bolts of it is this; it was that friday, the day where almost all the tubes were taken out, everyone was in a hurry to finish everything up by noon or by 4pm, which ever they could get away with...the hallway was busy, clamor here, slam there, footsteps, footsteps, pound, pound, pound...happy voices, sighs, laughs, more sighs, those strange BANGS on my door when someone would be walking down the hall, remember something and turn on their heels real quick, in turn, banging on MY door, freaking me, a newly-cut heart patient - alone, out like crazy...anyway....
i hadn't had lunch, because i knew it was friday, my stomach was upset because i was nervous, because i knew they were going to pull out the chest tube and i was afraid to eat because then M and Dr. A would walk in, see me eating, and say 'oh, we don't want to disturb you, we'll come back in a few minutes,' which on 7th floor (on a Friday, especially) meant, 'you lost your chance, gal' (in other words, they WOULDN'T be back...anyone who's EVER been a patient in the hospital, knows that scam...)
anyway, so i hadn't had lunch, i had a bite, spaghetti, it was actually pretty good, but i swore i heard M and Dr. A talking (Dr. A has a VERY DEEP resounding voice, and M's voice is UNMISTAKABLE with her thick, yet sort of lofty, english accent...) i was afraid my stomach would rumble or something and i REALLY, DESPERATELY wanted that TUBE OUT RIGHT AWAY...it was DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!
JOANNAJEAN
(part II next)
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
CH20:STILL SAD...
CHAPTER 20;
STILL SAD AND LONELY
I am sad and lonely again tonight.
I haven't been able to sleep.
I hope I can sleep tonight, but probably not, I always wake up after having a bad dream.
Sometimes I cry in my sleep.
I am sad about the divorce papers. I don't want the divorce, I feel like when it happens, I'll be like at the edge of a cliff, nowhere to go, alone, scared, not knowing what to do.
I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be sad.
I liked our little life together, we'd be getting ready for bed, probably watching a movie or TV or something. I'd be warm and I wouldn't be lonely, and I'd be happy.
I'm so scared for when those papers come, I think I'll feel as sad as a person can feel.
Even after 2 years, I still miss him.
I don't think any miracle will come and fix everything. I'm sad and lonely, and miss him....
I know it's gonna happen, and I know how horrible I'll feel, and I know I'll cry, and I know crying will hurt my chest.
I just hope I can sleep,
but then I just dream about him and when we used to go on trips and see things...
I wish things could be happier...
PLEASE, T, CHANGE YOUR MIND....PLEASE????
JOANNAJEAN
STILL SAD AND LONELY
I am sad and lonely again tonight.
I haven't been able to sleep.
I hope I can sleep tonight, but probably not, I always wake up after having a bad dream.
Sometimes I cry in my sleep.
I am sad about the divorce papers. I don't want the divorce, I feel like when it happens, I'll be like at the edge of a cliff, nowhere to go, alone, scared, not knowing what to do.
I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be sad.
I liked our little life together, we'd be getting ready for bed, probably watching a movie or TV or something. I'd be warm and I wouldn't be lonely, and I'd be happy.
I'm so scared for when those papers come, I think I'll feel as sad as a person can feel.
Even after 2 years, I still miss him.
I don't think any miracle will come and fix everything. I'm sad and lonely, and miss him....
I know it's gonna happen, and I know how horrible I'll feel, and I know I'll cry, and I know crying will hurt my chest.
I just hope I can sleep,
but then I just dream about him and when we used to go on trips and see things...
I wish things could be happier...
PLEASE, T, CHANGE YOUR MIND....PLEASE????
JOANNAJEAN
ch19: another note on the divorce...broken vows...
chapter19; aversion....broken vows
another note on the divorce.....
it's 330am and i cannot sleep.
i am scared because any day now the divorce is going to be final and i will for real be all alone in my life.
that's how i feel. when that paper comes in the mail or i get that email, i'll be DEVASTATED...
T was / is the only man i've loved, the only man i've ever wanted to love, and the only man I ever want to love, and i feel that when the divorce is final, that'll be it...i'll be devastated and just be nothing,
i'll feel dissolved and alone...
i'll have no motivation for anything and i feel like i'll never be happy about anything really, ever again.
i'm already starting to feel like that. and i don't think i'll be able to handle it...it's just not fair...
aversion...i don't like that word, i think it is unfair...there was one more point i wanted to make,
T, i don't think i will be very enthusiastic about this life if i don't get to live it with you.
life had color and meaning when i was with you...
and goals meant something to me when i had them to share with you...
we've been apart over 2 years, i still dream about u every night and usually wake up crying because u r not there next to me, like u used to be
and i'm still sad i don't get to hold your hand and i don't get to say 'i love you' and get to hear you say it back...
with a failed marriage, i think i will always be sad.
this isn't like a suicide thing, i just know that my life will never be as happy as it was with you, T. i don't think you realize how much you meant to me, every minute of every day...
i've lived 33 years and even though i haven't been through everything there is to go through, i'd say i'd had more than my fair share, and i was able to get through it, and go forward, knowing you'd be at my side, no-matter what,
now that that belief has been shattered, never in a million years, did i think you'd leave...i trusted that we'd be together no matter what...
i don't believe my life will ever have the happiness and color that it did when i knew u loved me as a wife, and that out of all the girls you could have chosen, you picked me...
that always meant the world to me....
that's just how i feel and i pray you might still change your mind, but i know you won't and my heart will always be broken.
i just had to mention that, and that i'm still sad.
p.s. i still look at my engagement diamond ring and golden wedding ring every day (now that i have it...) and i've just about gained enough weight now (i lost so much during the surgery and weeks afterwards), that it almost fits again...
it fits on my finger just like the day you proposed to me, and the day we got married and you put the wedding band on my finger and we said our VOWS...
they both fit now...that is sad to me...i always wanted to wear them every day we were married, but i know they would have fallen off or got misplaced or something when i washed my hands or something.
the point is, they fit now, my wedding rings fit....
there was something else i wanted to say, but i forget...i love you, T.
Please don't leave me, don't divorce me, please???
JOANNAJEAN
another note on the divorce.....
it's 330am and i cannot sleep.
i am scared because any day now the divorce is going to be final and i will for real be all alone in my life.
that's how i feel. when that paper comes in the mail or i get that email, i'll be DEVASTATED...
T was / is the only man i've loved, the only man i've ever wanted to love, and the only man I ever want to love, and i feel that when the divorce is final, that'll be it...i'll be devastated and just be nothing,
i'll feel dissolved and alone...
i'll have no motivation for anything and i feel like i'll never be happy about anything really, ever again.
i'm already starting to feel like that. and i don't think i'll be able to handle it...it's just not fair...
aversion...i don't like that word, i think it is unfair...there was one more point i wanted to make,
T, i don't think i will be very enthusiastic about this life if i don't get to live it with you.
life had color and meaning when i was with you...
and goals meant something to me when i had them to share with you...
we've been apart over 2 years, i still dream about u every night and usually wake up crying because u r not there next to me, like u used to be
and i'm still sad i don't get to hold your hand and i don't get to say 'i love you' and get to hear you say it back...
with a failed marriage, i think i will always be sad.
this isn't like a suicide thing, i just know that my life will never be as happy as it was with you, T. i don't think you realize how much you meant to me, every minute of every day...
i've lived 33 years and even though i haven't been through everything there is to go through, i'd say i'd had more than my fair share, and i was able to get through it, and go forward, knowing you'd be at my side, no-matter what,
now that that belief has been shattered, never in a million years, did i think you'd leave...i trusted that we'd be together no matter what...
i don't believe my life will ever have the happiness and color that it did when i knew u loved me as a wife, and that out of all the girls you could have chosen, you picked me...
that always meant the world to me....
that's just how i feel and i pray you might still change your mind, but i know you won't and my heart will always be broken.
i just had to mention that, and that i'm still sad.
p.s. i still look at my engagement diamond ring and golden wedding ring every day (now that i have it...) and i've just about gained enough weight now (i lost so much during the surgery and weeks afterwards), that it almost fits again...
it fits on my finger just like the day you proposed to me, and the day we got married and you put the wedding band on my finger and we said our VOWS...
they both fit now...that is sad to me...i always wanted to wear them every day we were married, but i know they would have fallen off or got misplaced or something when i washed my hands or something.
the point is, they fit now, my wedding rings fit....
there was something else i wanted to say, but i forget...i love you, T.
Please don't leave me, don't divorce me, please???
JOANNAJEAN
Friday, April 9, 2010
CHAPTER 18; WHEN WILL THINGS GET BETTER?
Chapter 18: When will things get better?
Just a general update for my blog.
1. Why can't I seem to get anyone to read my blog? I'm sure it's interesting enough. I'm not a 'romance novelist' like in "Romancing the Stone," so I don't have that kind of 'interesting...'
2. I am overwhelmingly SAD because T finally sent in the FINAL papers so the DIVORCE is going to be FINAL any day now...I have SO many feelings about that, that I shouldn't even start...what am I going to do? I'm all alone in the world now, and sad...
3. I am 40 days (or so) post-op from my open heart surgery, and I feel I'm at a stand-still. At first I blamed the fact that the final divorce papers were sent in and that I was depressed, but now I think that is just part of the recipe.
4. Surgery: (continued) Like with the kyphoplasty I had, the 'literature' says, within six to eight weeks, you should be back to normal, me no. I'm still sleeping a lot, and I'm still having CONSTANT pain.
The pain is better, by better I mean less, but maybe because it's still there, ALL THE TIME, it's WEARING ME DOWN.
5. I feel cooped up. I want to drive and go out to eat (I've been living on grilled-cheese sandwiches, which is fine for now), but I wanted to be well enough to go out to eat too. But driving still hurts like HE'double hockey sticks' (I remember Vera from the show 'Alice' used to say that...LOL). So I have to wait on that too.
6. I don't know what to do next with my life...teach? i love to teach, but what? go to school for a k-12 credential? go to CSULB for the single subject science credential? try to get a job for a city college?
My dear friend Anna says go for a P.A. I feel lost and sad, because I wanted to resume being a WIFE, and of course, I still feel bad failing as a physician...
7. I feel bad for TinyBear, our grey kitty. He got attacked 2 weeks ago by another cat and the injury is on the base of his tail and it won't heal. He's an active kitty who wants to jump walls and chase grasshoppers, but that's not good for a tail that is trying to heal. Poor kitty.
8. I've just been generally sad lately, maybe I feel like TinyBear, wanting to (metaphorically) chase grasshoppers, but my body won't let me. I hope you 'get' that.
I want to do things, but I'm limited by the healing my body still has to do.
9. Lately, I can tell my heart muscle itself hurts and is trying to heal.
I stretch my left arm to turn on the light and the area just left of my incision suddenly gets a sharp, tearing, stinging, biting-type pain. OUCH!
Then it takes over an hour of being very still in bed and of course a pain pill for the hurt to dissipate...
10. Mostly, my sadness is because of T. And, he won't let me see him or talk to him on the phone.
He even threatened to change his phone number or tell the court that I am 'harassing' him (which I don't believe - 3 phone messages over 2 weeks I don't believe is harassment...).
11. I am upset about Medicare. I want to keep my doctors, most whom I've known for over 20 years, and Medicaid doesn't cover them. I am going to have to rely on cobra coverage somehow until I can get the coverage I want and can afford to keep.
12. I am feeling worthless because I am not making any income. So I've been falling for some of these 'make $ at home scams' and they don't seem to be working...
That's enough griping for now I think. Mostly I'm upset about T, the divorce, being lonely, and still hurting, after well a month from the surgery date...and I'm still having spontaneous anxiety which is unsettling.....
JOANNAJEAN
Just a general update for my blog.
1. Why can't I seem to get anyone to read my blog? I'm sure it's interesting enough. I'm not a 'romance novelist' like in "Romancing the Stone," so I don't have that kind of 'interesting...'
2. I am overwhelmingly SAD because T finally sent in the FINAL papers so the DIVORCE is going to be FINAL any day now...I have SO many feelings about that, that I shouldn't even start...what am I going to do? I'm all alone in the world now, and sad...
3. I am 40 days (or so) post-op from my open heart surgery, and I feel I'm at a stand-still. At first I blamed the fact that the final divorce papers were sent in and that I was depressed, but now I think that is just part of the recipe.
4. Surgery: (continued) Like with the kyphoplasty I had, the 'literature' says, within six to eight weeks, you should be back to normal, me no. I'm still sleeping a lot, and I'm still having CONSTANT pain.
The pain is better, by better I mean less, but maybe because it's still there, ALL THE TIME, it's WEARING ME DOWN.
5. I feel cooped up. I want to drive and go out to eat (I've been living on grilled-cheese sandwiches, which is fine for now), but I wanted to be well enough to go out to eat too. But driving still hurts like HE'double hockey sticks' (I remember Vera from the show 'Alice' used to say that...LOL). So I have to wait on that too.
6. I don't know what to do next with my life...teach? i love to teach, but what? go to school for a k-12 credential? go to CSULB for the single subject science credential? try to get a job for a city college?
My dear friend Anna says go for a P.A. I feel lost and sad, because I wanted to resume being a WIFE, and of course, I still feel bad failing as a physician...
7. I feel bad for TinyBear, our grey kitty. He got attacked 2 weeks ago by another cat and the injury is on the base of his tail and it won't heal. He's an active kitty who wants to jump walls and chase grasshoppers, but that's not good for a tail that is trying to heal. Poor kitty.
8. I've just been generally sad lately, maybe I feel like TinyBear, wanting to (metaphorically) chase grasshoppers, but my body won't let me. I hope you 'get' that.
I want to do things, but I'm limited by the healing my body still has to do.
9. Lately, I can tell my heart muscle itself hurts and is trying to heal.
I stretch my left arm to turn on the light and the area just left of my incision suddenly gets a sharp, tearing, stinging, biting-type pain. OUCH!
Then it takes over an hour of being very still in bed and of course a pain pill for the hurt to dissipate...
10. Mostly, my sadness is because of T. And, he won't let me see him or talk to him on the phone.
He even threatened to change his phone number or tell the court that I am 'harassing' him (which I don't believe - 3 phone messages over 2 weeks I don't believe is harassment...).
11. I am upset about Medicare. I want to keep my doctors, most whom I've known for over 20 years, and Medicaid doesn't cover them. I am going to have to rely on cobra coverage somehow until I can get the coverage I want and can afford to keep.
12. I am feeling worthless because I am not making any income. So I've been falling for some of these 'make $ at home scams' and they don't seem to be working...
That's enough griping for now I think. Mostly I'm upset about T, the divorce, being lonely, and still hurting, after well a month from the surgery date...and I'm still having spontaneous anxiety which is unsettling.....
JOANNAJEAN
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Ch17; UPDATE ON DIVORCE and my RECUPERATION
Chapter 17; update on divorce and my recuperation...
April 2, 2010
Last night I couldn't sleep.
T emailed me to say he finally turned in the complete divorce papers.
I was numb for awhile, then i couldn't sleep, even with a sleeping pill, so you can guess how I was feeling...
I just keep thinking, 'IT'S NOT FAIR...'
I never got a 2nd chance to do things right...
He keeps saying 'I don't want to go back. i could go back if I want, but I don't want to go back. i'm moving on...'
I keep saying, 'It wouldn't be 'going back'...
it would be 'moving forward,'
like one of the divorce books i got a long time ago...'ditch the old marriage, start a new one, a successful one...'
nope, didn't work...typical man....stubborn
i kept telling him, 'It's ok to change your mind...'
nope, that didn't work either...
It hurt my heart too,
and i know it was my heart hurting because in the hospital when the surgeon was pulling out the pacemaker leads (they put them in during surgery in case for some reason my heart stopped, i guess they put pacemaker leads in the heart so it can get started again easily...thankfully they didn't have to use them...but boy did they sting and hurt when he pulled them out...)
well, one of the pacemaker leads didn't come out smoothly, the surgeon had to tug and tug, and i freaked and tensed and he kept telling me to relax, but i could tell and feel that it was the heart muscle it was stuck on...
this was the same feeling that I felt in my heart when T sent me the email that he finally sent the papers.
i am mad at him, of course, and think his lawyer is bogus because all this time the lawyer said, 'oh yeah, let her sign, then you sign...'
i guess it was a con the whole time, because then the lawyer says, 'nah, she didn't fill out a response, (or whatever it's called), so it's all you, T. You have all the power.'
so that's what he did. he did it, and i asked him a few times already to send me what he sent the lawyer, so it would be at least a little fair, but no response. he's IGNORING ME, getting his SPACE...poor T, needs his SPACE...
i told T that this is the wrong thing to do. that he just ran away, left me abandoned. my dad wants to sue him for abandonment.
honestly, i blame him a lot for the damage to my heart. i know, i know...'you are responsible for how you handle things...'
but...all the sadness, depression, anxiety, crying...all that stress on my heart, i truly believe damaged it, made my heart work harder and damaged it....
then i went to the doctor the other day and she says there is still a murmur present, i was like, 'what the h#ll!' i thought they did all that surgery to FIX it!
but CARDIOLOGY was never my best subject, in fact it is my worst subject probably, so maybe the murmur doesn't go away immediately.
my heart area definately feels very bruised, has for about 2 weeks now.
don't do this, but imagine punching yourself right over the heart, and symetrically on the right side of your chest too, that's what it's been feeling like the past 2 weeks...
and the incision hurts too.
thankfully the pain meds (even though the surgeon refilled a lower dose) help a little, i've been trying hard to take less
but...when i lay down, and get in just the right position, the pain eventually eases. and my appetite is a little better.
car rides still hurt, A LOT, and the pain still wakes me up EVERY NIGHT, but i can move around a little easier, and walking easier too.
still wish T had stuck with me,
him leaving me like that makes me feel like i'm not worth anything, and i'm only worth anything if i don't cause problems,
if i am healthy and sexy - at a moment's notice -
and bring in good money...
oh, and once he told me,
a good woman burns herself when she's making dinner for her MAN in the kitchen,
i scoffed it off at the time, but i guess he really meant it, the woman should suffer for the man, which is all good and fine with me, to a point,
as long as HE'S NICE TO HER!!!!!! doesn't take much, just an occasional 'i love you, honey...'
i'm mad too because, well,
i'm happy my loans got forgiven, that's a blessing, but really, how was i going to pay it back?
but i'm mad because,
well, T got a free ride off my loans, which i have to suffer in order for them to have been forgiven...
that's truly not fair.
i'm only seeing this from my point of view, but still, not fair that he gets to run away,
scott free,
good job,
good pay,
good health,
and he leaves me bleeding in the dust,
sick,
torn,
hurt (inside and out),
no money,
no financial support,
happy to do whatever he wants...
heck, i don't even know if he has a conscience...
he's probably turned it around in his head that it's all my fault,
i tried to explain things, YET AGAIN, to him, in an email, but no response,
i'm just a dumb woman to him, i guess, anyway, that's how i feel he feels...
i think he really f*cked me up.
yet i still love him and want him back. probably i want his acceptance and approval. probably not healthy, but if he would just be nice to me and accept me for who i am, things would have been fine.
but i'm only 33, what the h*ll do i know? i seem to believe that the more days i live, the less i know...
that's from a sit com, 'Valerie'
it goes "the more you learn, the less you know..."
that's true.
so i don't know what to do with the rest of my life. I want T back and for him to be nice to me and to love me. I am mad at him for not giving the marriage another chance, I am mad that he didn't stick with our vows, i really thought he took them seriously.
i want to, when i am strong and healthy enough to maybe work again, part time at first...teach maybe...finish my teaching credential...but which one, the k-12, or the single subject science, or start with substitute teaching, or try to teach at a college? then there's tutoring...i like that...
but still there's that 'put down' that keeps in my head that T always said...'those that can - WORK, those that can't - TEACH'
i know it's wrong, but it's been tatooed in my brain and so i don't feel good about myself teaching...
then there's research too, i love research, had a couple good interviews for research too. i like it...
and then there's medical stuff. i miss medicine. i know it's a big reason T left me, but i think even if i had dumped medicine, he still may have found a way or a reason to leave me anyway...
all i know...it wasn't supposed to work out this way...i should be finishing up my medical family medicine internship, looking forward to a job practicing medicine, had a solid and happy marriage, been on a few out-of-country trips, one of course to Hawaii, with T, had a baby while i was working with internship and residency, HAPPY, MARRIED, had a husband, T, who loved me and respected me, and a baby who would grow up with my niece and they'd play with eachother every once in awhile....
so why did things turn out this way? why did i faint in november and break my hip, why did my heart poop out on me and i had to have surgery, and T didn't even visit me or even TALK to me?
at least i don't have a mechanical valve...i still want to have a baby...i'm glad my parents and sister and brothers and family are doing ok, or at least relatively ok....
and today, this whole medical insurance thing, i'm going to need that 6 months of cobra, but then i got tricked with SSI and SSDI and no one really was in the mood to help me because of Easter weekend coming up and all that...
so i am not eligible for Medicare, which i had been led to believe for the past 2 years, that majorly sucks,
i can't get spousal support (like he'd give it to me anyway...) because it just takes from my SSI anyway, and i still have to pay rent,
but with all these hospital copays, procedure copays, DME copays, doctor visit copays, drug copays, there's never enough $$ to pay the whole rent,
so my chances of getting a studio to move out and stop paying on my rental chances are LOW LOW LOW, and i've been trying to make money with these internet schemes, such as this blog,
supposedly you are supposed to be able to make money with a blog, but hasn't worked for me....
tried selling things on ebay, but i'm having a problem with my digital camera and can't get the pics on the computer easily anymore, and no one wants to buy hand-made bracelets...
so what do i do?
i don't know...
i can't get any traffic to this blog. i thought it would be interesting....i still have my chest tube story to tell...i already told the one where they put it in...horrible...but i have yet to tell of the friday when they took it out...
filled out the survey they sent me of my hospital stay...it was not a good evaluation...main complaint was the bed. i should have insisted on an egg crate or had my dad buy me a sleeping bag or 2 so i would have been at least a little more comfortable...
and the room smelled like dust, and there wasn't much variety of the food,
and i always felt like i was 'bad' when i asked for pain medicine. but i would ask them and feel guilty, like they felt less of me for wanting pain medicine, i hated that, i was in pain a lot more than i should have because they made me feel ashamed to ask for pain medicine.
anyway, i don't know what to do...
i've written enough, still tired but can't sleep. have to finish my medical transcription thing.
i'm jealous of all my medical school classmates who got to finish their dream, they are all practicing now, most were successful with their families and marriages and the girls got to have their babies. everything went to pot for me...
why couldn't T just be there for me...why couldn't he do it? he's smart, he knew what was happening...i tried, did he know i was really trying?
i always thought it was ironic that a communication major, a masters in communication would let his marriage go. maybe he just didn't love me enough.
i tried to be the wife he wanted, maybe he wanted someone meaner...but i don't like to be mean like that...maybe he wanted someone taller...
see, he never said goodbye to me so i could get those answers straight from him, just not fair.
why does god do this to people? it's just not fair...
just don't know what to do...
i'll probably write my 2nd chest tube story next...i miss T...i get cold at night, all the sad feelings come back at night...i don't know what to do, and he's decided to 'ignore' my emails....
goodnight...
JOANNAJEAN
April 2, 2010
Last night I couldn't sleep.
T emailed me to say he finally turned in the complete divorce papers.
I was numb for awhile, then i couldn't sleep, even with a sleeping pill, so you can guess how I was feeling...
I just keep thinking, 'IT'S NOT FAIR...'
I never got a 2nd chance to do things right...
He keeps saying 'I don't want to go back. i could go back if I want, but I don't want to go back. i'm moving on...'
I keep saying, 'It wouldn't be 'going back'...
it would be 'moving forward,'
like one of the divorce books i got a long time ago...'ditch the old marriage, start a new one, a successful one...'
nope, didn't work...typical man....stubborn
i kept telling him, 'It's ok to change your mind...'
nope, that didn't work either...
It hurt my heart too,
and i know it was my heart hurting because in the hospital when the surgeon was pulling out the pacemaker leads (they put them in during surgery in case for some reason my heart stopped, i guess they put pacemaker leads in the heart so it can get started again easily...thankfully they didn't have to use them...but boy did they sting and hurt when he pulled them out...)
well, one of the pacemaker leads didn't come out smoothly, the surgeon had to tug and tug, and i freaked and tensed and he kept telling me to relax, but i could tell and feel that it was the heart muscle it was stuck on...
this was the same feeling that I felt in my heart when T sent me the email that he finally sent the papers.
i am mad at him, of course, and think his lawyer is bogus because all this time the lawyer said, 'oh yeah, let her sign, then you sign...'
i guess it was a con the whole time, because then the lawyer says, 'nah, she didn't fill out a response, (or whatever it's called), so it's all you, T. You have all the power.'
so that's what he did. he did it, and i asked him a few times already to send me what he sent the lawyer, so it would be at least a little fair, but no response. he's IGNORING ME, getting his SPACE...poor T, needs his SPACE...
i told T that this is the wrong thing to do. that he just ran away, left me abandoned. my dad wants to sue him for abandonment.
honestly, i blame him a lot for the damage to my heart. i know, i know...'you are responsible for how you handle things...'
but...all the sadness, depression, anxiety, crying...all that stress on my heart, i truly believe damaged it, made my heart work harder and damaged it....
then i went to the doctor the other day and she says there is still a murmur present, i was like, 'what the h#ll!' i thought they did all that surgery to FIX it!
but CARDIOLOGY was never my best subject, in fact it is my worst subject probably, so maybe the murmur doesn't go away immediately.
my heart area definately feels very bruised, has for about 2 weeks now.
don't do this, but imagine punching yourself right over the heart, and symetrically on the right side of your chest too, that's what it's been feeling like the past 2 weeks...
and the incision hurts too.
thankfully the pain meds (even though the surgeon refilled a lower dose) help a little, i've been trying hard to take less
but...when i lay down, and get in just the right position, the pain eventually eases. and my appetite is a little better.
car rides still hurt, A LOT, and the pain still wakes me up EVERY NIGHT, but i can move around a little easier, and walking easier too.
still wish T had stuck with me,
him leaving me like that makes me feel like i'm not worth anything, and i'm only worth anything if i don't cause problems,
if i am healthy and sexy - at a moment's notice -
and bring in good money...
oh, and once he told me,
a good woman burns herself when she's making dinner for her MAN in the kitchen,
i scoffed it off at the time, but i guess he really meant it, the woman should suffer for the man, which is all good and fine with me, to a point,
as long as HE'S NICE TO HER!!!!!! doesn't take much, just an occasional 'i love you, honey...'
i'm mad too because, well,
i'm happy my loans got forgiven, that's a blessing, but really, how was i going to pay it back?
but i'm mad because,
well, T got a free ride off my loans, which i have to suffer in order for them to have been forgiven...
that's truly not fair.
i'm only seeing this from my point of view, but still, not fair that he gets to run away,
scott free,
good job,
good pay,
good health,
and he leaves me bleeding in the dust,
sick,
torn,
hurt (inside and out),
no money,
no financial support,
happy to do whatever he wants...
heck, i don't even know if he has a conscience...
he's probably turned it around in his head that it's all my fault,
i tried to explain things, YET AGAIN, to him, in an email, but no response,
i'm just a dumb woman to him, i guess, anyway, that's how i feel he feels...
i think he really f*cked me up.
yet i still love him and want him back. probably i want his acceptance and approval. probably not healthy, but if he would just be nice to me and accept me for who i am, things would have been fine.
but i'm only 33, what the h*ll do i know? i seem to believe that the more days i live, the less i know...
that's from a sit com, 'Valerie'
it goes "the more you learn, the less you know..."
that's true.
so i don't know what to do with the rest of my life. I want T back and for him to be nice to me and to love me. I am mad at him for not giving the marriage another chance, I am mad that he didn't stick with our vows, i really thought he took them seriously.
i want to, when i am strong and healthy enough to maybe work again, part time at first...teach maybe...finish my teaching credential...but which one, the k-12, or the single subject science, or start with substitute teaching, or try to teach at a college? then there's tutoring...i like that...
but still there's that 'put down' that keeps in my head that T always said...'those that can - WORK, those that can't - TEACH'
i know it's wrong, but it's been tatooed in my brain and so i don't feel good about myself teaching...
then there's research too, i love research, had a couple good interviews for research too. i like it...
and then there's medical stuff. i miss medicine. i know it's a big reason T left me, but i think even if i had dumped medicine, he still may have found a way or a reason to leave me anyway...
all i know...it wasn't supposed to work out this way...i should be finishing up my medical family medicine internship, looking forward to a job practicing medicine, had a solid and happy marriage, been on a few out-of-country trips, one of course to Hawaii, with T, had a baby while i was working with internship and residency, HAPPY, MARRIED, had a husband, T, who loved me and respected me, and a baby who would grow up with my niece and they'd play with eachother every once in awhile....
so why did things turn out this way? why did i faint in november and break my hip, why did my heart poop out on me and i had to have surgery, and T didn't even visit me or even TALK to me?
at least i don't have a mechanical valve...i still want to have a baby...i'm glad my parents and sister and brothers and family are doing ok, or at least relatively ok....
and today, this whole medical insurance thing, i'm going to need that 6 months of cobra, but then i got tricked with SSI and SSDI and no one really was in the mood to help me because of Easter weekend coming up and all that...
so i am not eligible for Medicare, which i had been led to believe for the past 2 years, that majorly sucks,
i can't get spousal support (like he'd give it to me anyway...) because it just takes from my SSI anyway, and i still have to pay rent,
but with all these hospital copays, procedure copays, DME copays, doctor visit copays, drug copays, there's never enough $$ to pay the whole rent,
so my chances of getting a studio to move out and stop paying on my rental chances are LOW LOW LOW, and i've been trying to make money with these internet schemes, such as this blog,
supposedly you are supposed to be able to make money with a blog, but hasn't worked for me....
tried selling things on ebay, but i'm having a problem with my digital camera and can't get the pics on the computer easily anymore, and no one wants to buy hand-made bracelets...
so what do i do?
i don't know...
i can't get any traffic to this blog. i thought it would be interesting....i still have my chest tube story to tell...i already told the one where they put it in...horrible...but i have yet to tell of the friday when they took it out...
filled out the survey they sent me of my hospital stay...it was not a good evaluation...main complaint was the bed. i should have insisted on an egg crate or had my dad buy me a sleeping bag or 2 so i would have been at least a little more comfortable...
and the room smelled like dust, and there wasn't much variety of the food,
and i always felt like i was 'bad' when i asked for pain medicine. but i would ask them and feel guilty, like they felt less of me for wanting pain medicine, i hated that, i was in pain a lot more than i should have because they made me feel ashamed to ask for pain medicine.
anyway, i don't know what to do...
i've written enough, still tired but can't sleep. have to finish my medical transcription thing.
i'm jealous of all my medical school classmates who got to finish their dream, they are all practicing now, most were successful with their families and marriages and the girls got to have their babies. everything went to pot for me...
why couldn't T just be there for me...why couldn't he do it? he's smart, he knew what was happening...i tried, did he know i was really trying?
i always thought it was ironic that a communication major, a masters in communication would let his marriage go. maybe he just didn't love me enough.
i tried to be the wife he wanted, maybe he wanted someone meaner...but i don't like to be mean like that...maybe he wanted someone taller...
see, he never said goodbye to me so i could get those answers straight from him, just not fair.
why does god do this to people? it's just not fair...
just don't know what to do...
i'll probably write my 2nd chest tube story next...i miss T...i get cold at night, all the sad feelings come back at night...i don't know what to do, and he's decided to 'ignore' my emails....
goodnight...
JOANNAJEAN
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