Chapter 21; ALONE; part VII (ending)
anyway, so like 745pm or so i tried to rest and i was afraid i'd die, so i asked dad to just stay there for awhile and make sure i didn't die. he just nodded and sat there. i told him he could go, just check on me before he left. i let myself go, and it felt wierd, because you know how in cartoons and stuff, how they show dead people with their tongues hanging out? well, that's how i felt, i was so spent, that i thought i was going to die because i could feel my tongue like it was falling out of my mouth like i was a dead woman. totally freaked the hell out of me, and i think i even told my dad...
anyway, i slept and had a totally psychadelic trippy dream. when i woke up, it was only 9pm and this voice in the wall (the intercom), he said 'Joanna, sweetie, are you alright?' it was nice of him to be so kind, he had a very purry, comforting voice. I told him, 'yeah, i just have to pee, i'm ok.' my dad must have told them i was scared and to check on me.
i think that night, it was J who took care of me, i think. i had that headache and was scared to go to sleep. but she told me she'd check on me in an hour, and somehow that comforted me, and i was able to drift off.
that psychadelic dream i had though, ew, it was wierd and freaky. it revolved around the clicks and whirling sound that the IV was making, that and my headache, and i was hot and uncomfortable.
the dream was about underground compartments that everyone's soul or spirit is trapped in. and this spirit you have has only one chance in it's life, or in it's eternity to 'snap' one picture, and one picture only...so you have to watch and wait for the perfect snapshot, because once you take it, that's YOUR picture, your mark on eternity, and that's IT, your gone, your dead, vanished.
So i followed all these people during this dream and their 'snapshots.' I remember, in particular, JP. He had a beautiful snapshot, it was curvy and a little swirly, it was a large marble, with the blue and greenish swirls within the marble, i know you've seen those type of marbles, and it was bright, like acrylic paints or a mosaic, like stained glass, that type of brightness and color, and this orb was contained in a, kind of like an old-fashioned wooden house-shaped watering well, very pretty, i could probably paint or draw it, and it's sitting on a green, grassy little hill, and it's lit somehow from the side so all the colors show, but there's a hint of a shadow too. and there's a little bit of a blue backround, lighter blue at the bottom, and getting darker blue toward the top, and nearly black at the very top. i can picture it.
lots of the innocent and young people who got to take 'snapshots' were similar, but with hues of pink, and swirls of yellow-orange. i think there was one for my dad, but i don't really remember it...but the one for JP was very vivid, i think because he has blue eyes.
If there was one for T it was yellow, a stark yellow with a bite - a contrasting stripe of orange running right through the middle, like an unsymettrical corkscrew, even like an umbilical cord, strange enough, very strong and distinct, absolute - if that's the right word...
strange, maybe eyes are gates to someone's soul, even though T doesn't have yellow eyes, he definately has a strong, undenying, and definitive spirit...
anyway, i don't think i had a snapshot for myself, i was kind of like witnessing the snapshots of other people, even strangers, but the 'snap' corresponded, i realized when i woke up, to the 'snap' that the IV made when it switched from the vancomycin to the normal saline. isn't that strange?
and then the whirring of the pump was like the 'roller coaster' i felt like i was on while i was watching the snapshots, cool, huh? i would definately say that was a 'trip,' but i wasn't really on any mind-altering drugs, it was more like a loss of blood and trauma that caused the dream. but boy, it was hard to sleep that night, i had bad muscle spasms in my head, neck, and all down my back too. ick.
i wish i could remember the snapshot i had for myself, i think there was some brilliant red in it, i think for sure there was some red, i think like sunrise or sunset colors too, kinda smudged in there.
anyway, i had been wanting to write that for awhile now, it was a very difficult day, that friday. i had been so uncomfortable with the bed and the diet and the muscle spasms and them not treating my anxiety, those are some of the reasons i had to leave on sunday, i just had to get out of there!
JOANNAJEAN
(end)
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
CH5; ANGIOGRAM
CHAPTER 5; THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...
ANGIOGRAM
Today, well, yesterday, I had the CARDIAC ANGIOGRAM. It was about how I expected. I was GRUMPY and didn't want to go. It was RAINING and COLD, but my DAD was a good sport and took me...
The prepped me and did the IV and all the PAPERWORK...I was HUNGRY and WEAK and COLD (I was NPO, that's why i was hungry).
The CARDIOLOGIST was over a half hour late (but it was POURING...so i guess he got caught up in rain...) and the calming medicine, VERSED they gave me DIDN'T WORK AT ALL! I wish they would have just put me out, that was the WORST. They said I was 'resistant' because of all the PAIN MEDS i take, but i wish i could have been more groggy...
It took a good 45 minutes or so. Mayo Clinic had a good link, I'll share with you later, on what to expect. The 'FLUSHING' from the idea didn't hurt, but it still FREAKED me out. The LIDOCAINE shot in the femoral artery HURT A LOT, that sucked too.
Seemed to me they were in a hurry, which freaked me out too, but maybe that's how they do things...
They were done, I was afraid to MOVE and afraid to CRY for fear i'd mess something up since they had wires in my heart.
Anyway, afterwards, they put a LOT of pressure on the artery PUNCTURE site for 10 minutes and wheeled me to 'SHORT STAY.'
but as soon as i got there they found my pressure dressing was SOAKED with blood and, I couldn't see, but there was a huge puffy HEMATOMA there too. I couldn't see it, but i asked my dad later:
'they seemed really freaked out about the blood, how much was there?'
he said, 'all 4 gauze pads were soaked and it got on your legs, the gown, the bed, and the pillow,' boy, i guess that is a lot of blood.
so they put a huge 10 pound sandbag on it for 2 hours and there was no more bleeding and i rested and had a hospital turkey sandwich and rested some more.
my dad was real nice to stay there with me the whole time. i got to go home at 630pm but it was COLD and POURING rain!
got to go home, thank goodness. ate a little, went to bed. got up a little later to put on my nightshirt and started crying.
my dad found me crying and asked what was wrong...
i sobbed 'i didn't know it would hurt this much!...' because i was limping on the right leg where they did the ANGIOGRAM, but putting too much weight on the leg where they did the HIP REPLACEMENT, so i was HURTING A LOT!
so i decided to just take an AMBIEN an just try to go to bed and yeah, i feel better this morning, but i have a bruise the SIZE OF DELAWARE! I hope it will be ok.
NOT SOMETHING I'D EVER WANT TO DO AGAIN...
signed;
JOANNAJEAN
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/coronary-angiogram/MY00541/DSECTION=what-you-can-expect,
**The link above is a good resource on what to expect during an cardiac angiogram, however, take into consideration that every individual's experience is difference
ANGIOGRAM
Today, well, yesterday, I had the CARDIAC ANGIOGRAM. It was about how I expected. I was GRUMPY and didn't want to go. It was RAINING and COLD, but my DAD was a good sport and took me...
The prepped me and did the IV and all the PAPERWORK...I was HUNGRY and WEAK and COLD (I was NPO, that's why i was hungry).
The CARDIOLOGIST was over a half hour late (but it was POURING...so i guess he got caught up in rain...) and the calming medicine, VERSED they gave me DIDN'T WORK AT ALL! I wish they would have just put me out, that was the WORST. They said I was 'resistant' because of all the PAIN MEDS i take, but i wish i could have been more groggy...
It took a good 45 minutes or so. Mayo Clinic had a good link, I'll share with you later, on what to expect. The 'FLUSHING' from the idea didn't hurt, but it still FREAKED me out. The LIDOCAINE shot in the femoral artery HURT A LOT, that sucked too.
Seemed to me they were in a hurry, which freaked me out too, but maybe that's how they do things...
They were done, I was afraid to MOVE and afraid to CRY for fear i'd mess something up since they had wires in my heart.
Anyway, afterwards, they put a LOT of pressure on the artery PUNCTURE site for 10 minutes and wheeled me to 'SHORT STAY.'
but as soon as i got there they found my pressure dressing was SOAKED with blood and, I couldn't see, but there was a huge puffy HEMATOMA there too. I couldn't see it, but i asked my dad later:
'they seemed really freaked out about the blood, how much was there?'
he said, 'all 4 gauze pads were soaked and it got on your legs, the gown, the bed, and the pillow,' boy, i guess that is a lot of blood.
so they put a huge 10 pound sandbag on it for 2 hours and there was no more bleeding and i rested and had a hospital turkey sandwich and rested some more.
my dad was real nice to stay there with me the whole time. i got to go home at 630pm but it was COLD and POURING rain!
got to go home, thank goodness. ate a little, went to bed. got up a little later to put on my nightshirt and started crying.
my dad found me crying and asked what was wrong...
i sobbed 'i didn't know it would hurt this much!...' because i was limping on the right leg where they did the ANGIOGRAM, but putting too much weight on the leg where they did the HIP REPLACEMENT, so i was HURTING A LOT!
so i decided to just take an AMBIEN an just try to go to bed and yeah, i feel better this morning, but i have a bruise the SIZE OF DELAWARE! I hope it will be ok.
NOT SOMETHING I'D EVER WANT TO DO AGAIN...
signed;
JOANNAJEAN
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/coronary-angiogram/MY00541/DSECTION=what-you-can-expect,
**The link above is a good resource on what to expect during an cardiac angiogram, however, take into consideration that every individual's experience is difference
Thursday, February 4, 2010
CHAPTER 3; BLOOD TEST AND MY PARENT'S ANNIVERSARY...
CHAPTER 3; MY PARENT'S ANNIVERSARY AND MY BLOOD TEST
Today was my parent's wedding anniversary. They didn't get to do much, but they go out to the movies all the time, and stuff like that.
Congrats to them! My Dad had to go to work in the morning / mid-day but he still got Mom chocolates but then he fell asleep right when he got home from work. Work takes a lot out of him these days...
but I think it’s really nice they are still together, their oldest kid is 40 years old! Wow! I am jealous, though. I wanted to be married forever too.
I still have not signed the papers I mentioned yesterday. I don’t really want to, but I guess I will…
Anyway, had to go to get the blood test for my ANGIOGRAM today, the exam is on Friday. I am scared they won’t give me enough sedation because I get SUPER NERVOUS and would rather just be completely ‘under’ so I don’t have to worry about it.
One word of advice, ALWAYS FIND OUT WHEN LUNCH-TIME IS for the hospital workers before you go in for a blood test or doctor’s appt. I got there at 11:30am and no one had told me lunch was scheduled then!
I had to beg them just take my blood, which they did, thank goodness. I was tired and had a headache and just wanted to go home!
I have a cute short story to share with you. My Mom wrote it and said I could publish it in my new blog. So I’ll try to find it in my files and post it tomorrow.
It's a sweet story about a lost kitty...
The instructions for the angiogram I got today said ‘NO BENDING, STOOPING, OR LIFTING THREE DAYS AFTER THE PROCEDURE.’
That FREAKED me out too, I guess they don’t want you hemorraging or anything like that, but I have a feeling it will hurt more than I think.
SIGNED;
JOANNAJEAN
Today was my parent's wedding anniversary. They didn't get to do much, but they go out to the movies all the time, and stuff like that.
Congrats to them! My Dad had to go to work in the morning / mid-day but he still got Mom chocolates but then he fell asleep right when he got home from work. Work takes a lot out of him these days...
but I think it’s really nice they are still together, their oldest kid is 40 years old! Wow! I am jealous, though. I wanted to be married forever too.
I still have not signed the papers I mentioned yesterday. I don’t really want to, but I guess I will…
Anyway, had to go to get the blood test for my ANGIOGRAM today, the exam is on Friday. I am scared they won’t give me enough sedation because I get SUPER NERVOUS and would rather just be completely ‘under’ so I don’t have to worry about it.
One word of advice, ALWAYS FIND OUT WHEN LUNCH-TIME IS for the hospital workers before you go in for a blood test or doctor’s appt. I got there at 11:30am and no one had told me lunch was scheduled then!
I had to beg them just take my blood, which they did, thank goodness. I was tired and had a headache and just wanted to go home!
I have a cute short story to share with you. My Mom wrote it and said I could publish it in my new blog. So I’ll try to find it in my files and post it tomorrow.
It's a sweet story about a lost kitty...
The instructions for the angiogram I got today said ‘NO BENDING, STOOPING, OR LIFTING THREE DAYS AFTER THE PROCEDURE.’
That FREAKED me out too, I guess they don’t want you hemorraging or anything like that, but I have a feeling it will hurt more than I think.
SIGNED;
JOANNAJEAN
Monday, February 1, 2010
THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN; CHAPTER 1
Hello Bloggers and fellow readers...
CHAPTER 1:
I have a very detailed SUMMARY INTRODUCTION to my blog. I think you will find it very interesting, and I hope that not only will you read it and use my entries to add to your own life, but i also hope that you will use YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCES to add to my life experiences and life philosophies...
FIRST, let me just briefly explain what my title means...
THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...
Well, basically, my blog is a JOURNAL OR PERSONAL DIARY of things that have happened to me, things that DO happen to me on a daily basis, QUESTIONS i have about life, and PHILOSOPHIES of life i have recieved by observation and other important people in my life...
I first wanted to title my BLOG, "IT SUCKS TO BE ME..." but i figured that would be too negative...so i thought my 2nd choice;
THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...
would spark a little more interest in what my blog is all about. So I look forward to writing my blog, and i'll write in a short list a few things i will write about, i guess i'll partition my 'journal' or 'BLOG ENTRIES' into CHAPTERS;
This is CHAPTER 1; INTRODUCTION TO 'THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..." summary and introduction.
Basically, so you know a little about me,
I am going through a DIVORCE;
I am 33 YEARS OLD
I am NOT HANDLING THE DIVORCE WELL AT ALL...
It has been 2 YEARS since the DIVORCE PROCESS has all started...
but, of course, that's not all there is about me...
ADDITIONALLY;
I have really bad HEALTH PROBLEMS;
including; CROHN'S, OSTEOPOROSIS, MAJOR DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, MIGRAINES, and of course, several more, of which i didn't list at this time... all of these health problems have caused me several, several other problems, and major complications including (from most recent on...)
CARDIAC PROBLEMS, including AORTIC VALVE INSUFFICIENCY (SEVERE), AORTIC ANEURYSM (SEVERE), BROKEN HIP (HIP REPLACEMENT SURGERY just a few months ago in November, 2009), CATARACTS, KYPHOPLASTY surgery (for the broken vertebrae), ADRENAL INSUFFICIENCY, and...
I have OPEN HEART SURGERY coming up, which is my most current major concern, and i'm really scared because the surgeon said there is a 10% chance of not even surviving the operation! Boy, that threw my Mom and I for a loop...I guess that'll be a separate 'CHAPTER' in my blog...
Anyway...to get back to my summary...I have to take so many MEDICATIONS, that it really is hard to keep track of taking them every day, and of course they all cause side effects...
LASTLY, in summary, I was 99.9% done with MEDICAL SCHOOL and was all set up to start an internship in FAMILY MEDICINE. I had this DREAM since I was 15 years old, and i actually had jumped through all the hoops and got the grades at UCLA for undergrad, and everything seemed to work out until the cursed COMLEX 2CE.
It should have been easy enough...with over a 90% nationwide pass rate, but i took that darn test 7 times and didn't pass.
I guess I could have named my blog, 'SHATTERED DREAMS' but it seems sort of cliche, so i went with something that i thought would 'stand out' more...
So you can kind of see a pattern...FAILURE of COMLEX, FAILURE of marriage, we had to have a BANKRUPTCY (which made the marriage even more shaky), and then there was a downfall for me from there on, a 'slippery slope' you could say...
things kept getting worse HEALTHWISE, EMPLOYMENT-WISE, MARRIAGE-WISE, SELF-ESTEEM-WISE,
my DEPRESSION worsened, my HUSBAND left me,
and his life seemed to get BETTER AND BETTER in all ways possible since he left me, which made me feel worse...
But that's just what has happened in the past couple years. I have a lot of chapters other than that...
And I chose not to title my blog "IT SUCKS TO BE ME..." because i didn't want people to think i was just a boring pessimist, i have a lot of optimism in me as well...but those are other chapters...
So I guess that will wrap up
CHAPTER 1 of "THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..."
signed;
JOANNAJEAN
P.S. I guess it wouldn't be fair if i didn't explain the reasoning behind naming my blog
"THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..."
Well...the day my husband's PROZAC kicked in, he realized how depressed he really was, which he blamed on me, and this whole 'slippery slope' thing really began, although, at that time i was in MAJOR DENIAL (well, i believe i STILL AM in a lot of DENIAL...)
and, unfortunately, I believe it was basically the day he decided to leave me, which is why this title is so important to me...
this day was well over 2 years ago.
I'm still in love with him, and have a secret hope (well...I guess NOT so secret) that he still loves me, but he resents me for him getting depressed to the point where he had to go on Prozac in the first place...
I think that explains my reasoning for naming my blog. I have a lot to learn, so bear with me, but i hope my stories will be interesting to you.
And to hold you over to CHAPTER 2, which I haven't named yet,
I'll tell you, that I really did enjoy MEDICAL SCHOOL, and if there is one very important lesson i learned in medical school is that
EVERYONE'S LIFE IS DIFFICULT FOR THEM;
and i'm sure that you will agree with me...
that includes EVERYONE i've encountered...surgeons, surgeon's daughters, medical students, medical students' spouses (duh!), and of course PATIENTS, and other health-care providers, and PARENTS, and KIDS, and TEACHERS, and PROFESSORS, and just plain EVERYONE.
Lastly, EVERYONE HAS A STORY TO TELL, and i hope people will contribute to my blog by sharing snippets of their lives, so that others can read them and learn from them...
Thanks for reading, I hope this turns out to be a helpful and successful BLOG for everyone that reads and contributes...
Take care,
JOANNAJEAN
CHAPTER 1:
I have a very detailed SUMMARY INTRODUCTION to my blog. I think you will find it very interesting, and I hope that not only will you read it and use my entries to add to your own life, but i also hope that you will use YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCES to add to my life experiences and life philosophies...
FIRST, let me just briefly explain what my title means...
THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...
Well, basically, my blog is a JOURNAL OR PERSONAL DIARY of things that have happened to me, things that DO happen to me on a daily basis, QUESTIONS i have about life, and PHILOSOPHIES of life i have recieved by observation and other important people in my life...
I first wanted to title my BLOG, "IT SUCKS TO BE ME..." but i figured that would be too negative...so i thought my 2nd choice;
THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...
would spark a little more interest in what my blog is all about. So I look forward to writing my blog, and i'll write in a short list a few things i will write about, i guess i'll partition my 'journal' or 'BLOG ENTRIES' into CHAPTERS;
This is CHAPTER 1; INTRODUCTION TO 'THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..." summary and introduction.
Basically, so you know a little about me,
I am going through a DIVORCE;
I am 33 YEARS OLD
I am NOT HANDLING THE DIVORCE WELL AT ALL...
It has been 2 YEARS since the DIVORCE PROCESS has all started...
but, of course, that's not all there is about me...
ADDITIONALLY;
I have really bad HEALTH PROBLEMS;
including; CROHN'S, OSTEOPOROSIS, MAJOR DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, MIGRAINES, and of course, several more, of which i didn't list at this time... all of these health problems have caused me several, several other problems, and major complications including (from most recent on...)
CARDIAC PROBLEMS, including AORTIC VALVE INSUFFICIENCY (SEVERE), AORTIC ANEURYSM (SEVERE), BROKEN HIP (HIP REPLACEMENT SURGERY just a few months ago in November, 2009), CATARACTS, KYPHOPLASTY surgery (for the broken vertebrae), ADRENAL INSUFFICIENCY, and...
I have OPEN HEART SURGERY coming up, which is my most current major concern, and i'm really scared because the surgeon said there is a 10% chance of not even surviving the operation! Boy, that threw my Mom and I for a loop...I guess that'll be a separate 'CHAPTER' in my blog...
Anyway...to get back to my summary...I have to take so many MEDICATIONS, that it really is hard to keep track of taking them every day, and of course they all cause side effects...
LASTLY, in summary, I was 99.9% done with MEDICAL SCHOOL and was all set up to start an internship in FAMILY MEDICINE. I had this DREAM since I was 15 years old, and i actually had jumped through all the hoops and got the grades at UCLA for undergrad, and everything seemed to work out until the cursed COMLEX 2CE.
It should have been easy enough...with over a 90% nationwide pass rate, but i took that darn test 7 times and didn't pass.
I guess I could have named my blog, 'SHATTERED DREAMS' but it seems sort of cliche, so i went with something that i thought would 'stand out' more...
So you can kind of see a pattern...FAILURE of COMLEX, FAILURE of marriage, we had to have a BANKRUPTCY (which made the marriage even more shaky), and then there was a downfall for me from there on, a 'slippery slope' you could say...
things kept getting worse HEALTHWISE, EMPLOYMENT-WISE, MARRIAGE-WISE, SELF-ESTEEM-WISE,
my DEPRESSION worsened, my HUSBAND left me,
and his life seemed to get BETTER AND BETTER in all ways possible since he left me, which made me feel worse...
But that's just what has happened in the past couple years. I have a lot of chapters other than that...
And I chose not to title my blog "IT SUCKS TO BE ME..." because i didn't want people to think i was just a boring pessimist, i have a lot of optimism in me as well...but those are other chapters...
So I guess that will wrap up
CHAPTER 1 of "THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..."
signed;
JOANNAJEAN
P.S. I guess it wouldn't be fair if i didn't explain the reasoning behind naming my blog
"THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..."
Well...the day my husband's PROZAC kicked in, he realized how depressed he really was, which he blamed on me, and this whole 'slippery slope' thing really began, although, at that time i was in MAJOR DENIAL (well, i believe i STILL AM in a lot of DENIAL...)
and, unfortunately, I believe it was basically the day he decided to leave me, which is why this title is so important to me...
this day was well over 2 years ago.
I'm still in love with him, and have a secret hope (well...I guess NOT so secret) that he still loves me, but he resents me for him getting depressed to the point where he had to go on Prozac in the first place...
I think that explains my reasoning for naming my blog. I have a lot to learn, so bear with me, but i hope my stories will be interesting to you.
And to hold you over to CHAPTER 2, which I haven't named yet,
I'll tell you, that I really did enjoy MEDICAL SCHOOL, and if there is one very important lesson i learned in medical school is that
EVERYONE'S LIFE IS DIFFICULT FOR THEM;
and i'm sure that you will agree with me...
that includes EVERYONE i've encountered...surgeons, surgeon's daughters, medical students, medical students' spouses (duh!), and of course PATIENTS, and other health-care providers, and PARENTS, and KIDS, and TEACHERS, and PROFESSORS, and just plain EVERYONE.
Lastly, EVERYONE HAS A STORY TO TELL, and i hope people will contribute to my blog by sharing snippets of their lives, so that others can read them and learn from them...
Thanks for reading, I hope this turns out to be a helpful and successful BLOG for everyone that reads and contributes...
Take care,
JOANNAJEAN
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