Ch33October

The Day His Prozac Kicked In

Ch33
October

It's been awhile since I last wrote.  I guess that's because not that much has changed.

The divorce has gone legally final, but that holds no relief for me.

I've thought of 'letting go' with a little ceremony and a little prayer to myself, I never did it.

I still wake up sobbing and crying, saying 'I miss you!' 
or 'Tommy, you shouldn't have left me!'

Last time, I just cried in my sleep, 

I couldn't wake up from my dream.

I miss being loved.

I miss hearing you breathe.

I still wonder what it was that happened that one night when he came home at 4 a.m., looked me in the eye and said 'you and me, we aren't going to work out,'

I can kind of guess what happened,

but I never thought he'd abandon me
If u read my other posts, 

you know how terrified I was alone in the hospital

How I came home 2 weeks early because I couldn't be there anymore

but still at night I'm so sad

it's at night when I'm alone

and I don't have dreams about the birds getting loose from their cages, not so much that dream anymore

now it's his face, us on a ship, the two of us going somewhere
like the desert or the ocean, something like that

and we are lost together, wandering, searching,

and he's still not happy with me
but he's doing his 'searching' through the huge aisles of the supermarket or walmart or whatever

and i'm still trying desperately to keep up with him
but we are together 

for some reason it's that dream where i wake up

we are in a paradise, yet i still feel abandoned
and only want him to love me as our vows were written

i don't like being alone

it's scary

and i want to experience life with him again

not all alone

just still at night i am sad
and the past few days, sad and solemnly quiet,

i am happy to be seeing my niece tomorrow,

so sweet and happy and little

the whole world is exciting and fun!

yes, it is
until you've had it, shared it, and then he abandons you

i wish he hadn't left me

this wasn't the plan

we were supposed to have a baby too

and i was supposed to be a doctor

and everything was supposed to be happy

but something happened that night and he snapped

he didn't want me to be so dependent on him
he changed his mind
and left me

i feel like everything just stopped in May 2006

i remember that day, when we were moving

i couldn't stop throwing up

i think i threw up every day for like 8 or 9 months

that whole period

and that last night, I remember it was Feb 2nd, I had voted
I asked him about what the primaries were and he answered
even though he answered from far away
then he turned to go to sleep

and there was a moment and i knew

and my heart leaped and i gasped and grabbed my chest

i said to him

you're going to leave me, aren't you?

he just said,
'mmmm' like i was annoying him
'go to bed,' and he covered his head with the sheet

he knew it a lot sooner than i did

i thought he'd stick with me

someone who cared for him

unlike the evil i'd seen his family put upon him

I really loved him and appreciated his goodness

and his humor and his ease with other people

but he left me

the one who loved him most

the one who never really got a chance to appreciate him as much as i wanted

because school was always in the way

i sometimes say he loved me too much

he even said that to me once, in a song he heard, 

he said the lyrics were what he was feeling

and i understood

but i thought he was strong enough to handle it

and to not make me feel horrible for having a broken body

my poor body, i pushed and pushed it and it broke

and he knows it

and i know it

but that doesn't mean he chose the right solution!

NO!  IT WAS WRONG!


and he made it worse

it would have just taken a few words

a few sentences and a hug of understanding

like

'everything's going to be ok,' and

'i'll always love you, Joanna,'

yes

that would have simply cured everything

simple as that!

to know he understood and I was trying my hardest
and just wanted him to love me and accept me for what i could do

then i could love and accept myself for what i could do
and everything would be just fine

that's all it would have took

instead he made it worse and made me sicker
telling me i was pretending, ignoring my pain and leaving when i was crying my eyes out, pleading with my whole SOUL for his comfort!
but - he would just leave!

and all i needed was a simple hug

and i would have felt totally better

why couldn't he do that?

why did he have to poison instead of heal?

why did he hurt and push me away 
instead of help me and accept me?

it would have stopped the grief

i don't want to love anyone but him

i chose to be with him for 'the long haul'
that was a long time ago, when i still had my mazda, and we were looking at the stars thru the sunroof
and i was cool with it, and went with it, I made a commitment then

I didn't have any doubts

i didn't know he had doubts

he made a mistake

and i still have hope he'll change his mind
because i think it would still only take those few words 

and a real hug to make it all ok again

but he won't do it

so i suffer every night

and in my dreams while I sleep...
 

and all i wanted is what he gave me,

but then decided to take away from me-

his love for me

and his promises of love to me 

that we could share our lives together as one

we were on the same wavelength

we could talk without speaking

it was really cool

depeche mode has a song about it

and it's true

it's like speaking ruins the clarity

and i think it's still there - that connection between us

but i don't get a hug or a kiss goodbye

i don't get to hear his voice or know if he's ok

i just am alone at night

he gave up

he didn't believe that the connection was that strong!

he was the weak one when I always thought it was ME!

now I sob every night in my dreams 
because you gave up, Tom!  

Every night I suffer and cry

because you gave up, Tom!

you shouldn't have left me, Tom

it isn't right!

you shouldn't have left me!

i needed u in that hospital, i was alone and scared

i knew u wouldn't come to hold my hand

i was alone and helpless, 

and I knew no one would come to help me

all i needed was for u to hold my hand

give me some strength and courage

and you knew it!

you KNEW that is all I needed

but u left me alone and scared anyway! 

it hurts 

and that's why i still sob at night in my sleep

every night

just make things right, Tom

make things right so we can live our lives together again

like it was supposed to be

i love you

i miss you

i wasn't horrible

thinks could be ok

i just needed to hear it from you

and you needed to hear it from me...

"IT'S GOING TO BE OK"

i still need you, Tom

and i can't let u go

and i will never be able to

i love you

i may live,

who knows, maybe the rest of my life without you

but it won't be the same

i'll know it's not the way it's supposed to be

we are supposed to be together

it's just not right

i think u know it too

i wish i could see u again, 

hold your hand

hug you

feel your love and your strength

that's the way it's supposed to be

i love you Tom

don't do this

I'm tired of being alone

I'm tired of crying for you every night

i need you

i miss you

i love you

it's too lonely without you

please realize this and come back to me, Tom!

it's just not fair!

I love you

I miss you!

I can't let you go

and i won't

Please, don't make me live the rest of my life without you!

what bitter torment!


JOANNA JEAN






 

Ch17; UPDATE ON DIVORCE and my RECUPERATION

Chapter 17; update on divorce and my recuperation...
April 2, 2010

Last night I couldn't sleep.

T emailed me to say he finally turned in the complete divorce papers.

I was numb for awhile, then i couldn't sleep, even with a sleeping pill, so you can guess how I was feeling...

I just keep thinking, 'IT'S NOT FAIR...'

I never got a 2nd chance to do things right...

He keeps saying 'I don't want to go back.  i could go back if I want, but I don't want to go back.  i'm moving on...'

I keep saying, 'It wouldn't be 'going back'...

it would be 'moving forward,'

like one of the divorce books i got a long time ago...'ditch the old marriage, start a new one, a successful one...'

nope, didn't work...typical man....stubborn

i kept telling him, 'It's ok to change your mind...'

nope, that didn't work either...

It hurt my heart too,

and i know it was my heart hurting because in the hospital when the surgeon was pulling out the pacemaker leads (they put them in during surgery in case for some reason my heart stopped, i guess they put pacemaker leads in the heart so it can get started again easily...thankfully they didn't have to use them...but boy did they sting and hurt when he pulled them out...)

well, one of the pacemaker leads didn't come out smoothly, the surgeon had to tug and tug, and i freaked and tensed and he kept telling me to relax, but i could tell and feel that it was the heart muscle it was stuck on...

this was the same feeling that I felt in my heart when T sent me the email that he finally sent the papers. 

i am mad at him, of course, and think his lawyer is bogus because all this time the lawyer said, 'oh yeah, let her sign, then you sign...'

i guess it was a con the whole time, because then the lawyer says, 'nah, she didn't fill out a response, (or whatever it's called), so it's all you, T.  You have all the power.' 

so that's what he did.  he did it, and i asked him a few times already to send me what he sent the lawyer, so it would be at least a little fair, but no response. he's IGNORING ME, getting his SPACE...poor T, needs his SPACE...

i told T that this is the wrong thing to do.  that he just ran away, left me abandoned.  my dad wants to sue him for abandonment.

honestly, i blame him a lot for the damage to my heart.  i know, i know...'you are responsible for how you handle things...'

but...all the sadness, depression, anxiety, crying...all that stress on my heart, i truly believe damaged it, made my heart work harder and damaged it....

then i went to the doctor the other day and she says there is still a murmur present, i was like, 'what the h#ll!'  i thought they did all that surgery to FIX it! 

but CARDIOLOGY was never my best subject, in fact it is my worst subject probably, so maybe the murmur doesn't go away immediately.

my heart area definately feels very bruised, has for about 2 weeks now. 

don't do this, but imagine punching yourself right over the heart, and symetrically on the right side of your chest too, that's what it's been feeling like the past 2 weeks...

and the incision hurts too. 

thankfully the pain meds (even though the surgeon refilled a lower dose) help a little, i've been trying hard to take less

but...when i lay down, and get in just the right position, the pain eventually eases.  and my appetite is a little better.

car rides still hurt, A LOT, and the pain still wakes me up EVERY NIGHT, but i can move around a little easier, and walking easier too.

still wish T had stuck with me,

him leaving me like that makes me feel like i'm not worth anything, and i'm only worth anything if i don't cause problems,

if i am healthy and sexy - at a moment's notice -

and bring in good money...

oh, and once he told me,

a good woman burns herself when she's making dinner for her MAN in the kitchen,

i scoffed it off at the time, but i guess he really meant it, the woman should suffer for the man, which is all good and fine with me, to a point,

as long as HE'S NICE TO HER!!!!!!  doesn't take much, just an occasional 'i love you, honey...'

i'm mad too because, well,

i'm happy my loans got forgiven, that's a blessing, but really, how was i going to pay it back? 

but i'm mad because,

well, T got a free ride off my loans, which i have to suffer in order for them to have been forgiven...

that's truly not fair. 

i'm only seeing this from my point of view, but still, not fair that he gets to run away,

scott free,
good job,
good pay,
good health,

and he leaves me bleeding in the dust,
sick,
torn,
hurt (inside and out),
no money,
no financial support,
happy to do whatever he wants...

heck, i don't even know if he has a conscience...

he's probably turned it around in his head that it's all my fault,

i tried to explain things, YET AGAIN, to him, in an email, but no response,

i'm just a dumb woman to him, i guess, anyway, that's how i feel he feels...

i think he really f*cked me up. 

yet i still love him and want him back.  probably i want his acceptance and approval.  probably not healthy, but if he would just be nice to me and accept me for who i am, things would have been fine.

but i'm only 33, what the h*ll do i know?  i seem to believe that the more days i live, the less i know...

that's from a sit com, 'Valerie'

it goes "the more you learn, the less you know..."

that's true.

so i don't know what to do with the rest of my life.  I want T back and for him to be nice to me and to love me.  I am mad at him for not giving the marriage another chance, I am mad that he didn't stick with our vows, i really thought he took them seriously.

i want to, when i am strong and healthy enough to maybe work again, part time at first...teach maybe...finish my teaching credential...but which one, the k-12, or the single subject science, or start with substitute teaching, or try to teach at a college?  then there's tutoring...i like that...

but still there's that 'put down' that keeps in my head that T always said...'those that can - WORK, those that can't - TEACH'

i know it's wrong, but it's been tatooed in my brain and so i don't feel good about myself teaching...

then there's research too, i love research, had a couple good interviews for research too.  i like it...

and then there's medical stuff.  i miss medicine.  i know it's a big reason T left me, but i think even if i had dumped medicine, he still may have found a way or a reason to leave me anyway...

all i know...it wasn't supposed to work out this way...i should be finishing up my medical family medicine internship, looking forward to a job practicing medicine, had a solid and happy marriage, been on a few out-of-country trips, one of course to Hawaii, with T, had a baby while i was working with internship and residency, HAPPY, MARRIED, had a husband, T, who loved me and respected me, and a baby who would grow up with my niece and they'd play with eachother every once in awhile....

so why did things turn out this way?  why did i faint in november and break my hip, why did my heart poop out on me and i had to have surgery, and T didn't even visit me or even TALK  to me? 

at least i don't have a mechanical valve...i still want to have a baby...i'm glad my parents and sister and brothers and family are doing ok, or at least relatively ok....

and today, this whole medical insurance thing, i'm going to need that 6 months of cobra, but then i got tricked with SSI and SSDI and no one really was in the mood to help me because of Easter weekend coming up and all that...

so i am not eligible for Medicare, which i had been led to believe for the past 2 years, that majorly sucks,

i can't get spousal support (like he'd give it to me anyway...) because it just takes from my SSI anyway, and i still have to pay rent,

but with all these hospital copays, procedure copays, DME copays, doctor visit copays, drug copays, there's never enough $$ to pay the whole rent,

so my chances of getting a studio to move out and stop paying on my rental chances are LOW LOW LOW, and i've been trying to make money with these internet schemes, such as this blog,

supposedly you are supposed to be able to make money with a blog, but hasn't worked for me....

tried selling things on ebay, but i'm having a problem with my digital camera and can't get the pics on the computer easily anymore, and no one wants to buy hand-made bracelets...

so what do i do? 

i don't know...

i can't get any traffic to this blog.  i thought it would be interesting....i still have my chest tube story to tell...i already told the one where they put it in...horrible...but i have yet to tell of the friday when they took it out...

filled out the survey they sent me of my hospital stay...it was not a good evaluation...main complaint was the bed.  i should have insisted on an egg crate or had my dad buy me a sleeping bag or 2 so i would have been at least a little more comfortable...

and the room smelled like dust, and there wasn't much variety of the food,

and i always felt like i was 'bad' when i asked for pain medicine.  but i would ask them and feel guilty, like they felt less of me for wanting pain medicine, i hated that, i was in pain a lot more than i should have because they made me feel ashamed to ask for pain medicine. 

anyway, i don't know what to do...

i've written enough, still tired but can't sleep.  have to finish my medical transcription thing. 

i'm jealous of all my medical school classmates who got to finish their dream, they are all practicing now, most were successful with their families and marriages and the girls got to have their babies.  everything went to pot for me...

why couldn't T just be there for me...why couldn't he do it?  he's smart, he knew what was happening...i tried, did he know i was really trying? 

i always thought it was ironic that a communication major, a masters in communication would let his marriage go.  maybe he just didn't love me enough. 

i tried to be the wife he wanted, maybe he wanted someone meaner...but i don't like to be mean like that...maybe he wanted someone taller...

see, he never said goodbye to me so i could get those answers straight from him, just not fair. 

why does god do this to people?  it's just not fair...

just don't know what to do...

i'll probably write my 2nd chest tube story next...i miss T...i get cold at night, all the sad feelings come back at night...i don't know what to do, and he's decided to 'ignore' my emails....

goodnight...

JOANNAJEAN