ch28

Tired...
Headache...
Sternal incision pain...

Surgeon basically said...'yeah, you'll have pain...LIVE WITH IT...'

or my favorite...'try TYLENOL...'
doesn't work...

frustrated...

too much PAIN...
for TOO LONG...

can't think about DIVORCE...
actually PHYSICALLY makes my HEART HURT...

NOT FAIR
NOT FAIR
NOT FAIR...

did u know if u take vorc
out of divorce
you get DIE?

like i said,
NOT FAIR!

thanks,
needed to vent..

one more thing...

can't even play on the computer...hurts my CHEST...annoying and NOT FAIR

NOT FAIR
NOT FAIR
NOT FAIR

ok,

JOANNAJEAN

CH20:STILL SAD...

CHAPTER 20;
STILL SAD AND LONELY

I am sad and lonely again tonight. 

I haven't been able to sleep. 

I hope I can sleep tonight, but probably not, I always wake up after having a bad dream. 

Sometimes I cry in my sleep. 

I am sad about the divorce papers.  I don't want the divorce, I feel like when it happens, I'll be like at the edge of a cliff, nowhere to go, alone, scared, not knowing what to do. 

I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be sad. 

I liked our little life together, we'd be getting ready for bed, probably watching a movie or TV or something.  I'd be warm and I wouldn't be lonely, and I'd be happy. 

I'm so scared for when those papers come, I think I'll feel as sad as a person can feel. 

Even after 2 years, I still miss him. 

I don't think any miracle will come and fix everything.  I'm sad and lonely, and miss him....

I know it's gonna happen, and I know how horrible I'll feel, and I know I'll cry, and I know crying will hurt my chest. 

I just hope I can sleep,

but then I just dream about him and when we used to go on trips and see things...

I wish things could be happier...

PLEASE, T, CHANGE YOUR MIND....PLEASE????

JOANNAJEAN

CHAPTER 18; WHEN WILL THINGS GET BETTER?

Chapter 18:  When will things get better?

Just a general update for my blog.

1.  Why can't I seem to get anyone to read my blog?  I'm sure it's interesting enough.  I'm not a 'romance novelist' like in "Romancing the Stone," so I don't have that kind of 'interesting...'

2.  I am overwhelmingly SAD because T finally sent in the FINAL papers so the DIVORCE is going to be FINAL any day now...I have SO many feelings about that, that I shouldn't even start...what am I going to do?  I'm all alone in the world now, and sad...

3.  I am 40 days (or so) post-op from my open heart surgery, and I feel I'm at a stand-still.  At first I blamed the fact that the final divorce papers were sent in and that I was depressed, but now I think that is just part of the recipe.

4.  Surgery: (continued)  Like with the kyphoplasty I had, the 'literature' says, within six to eight weeks, you should be back to normal, me no.  I'm still sleeping a lot, and I'm still having CONSTANT pain. 

The pain is better, by better I mean less, but maybe because it's still there, ALL THE TIME, it's WEARING ME DOWN.

5.  I feel cooped up.  I want to drive and go out to eat (I've been living on grilled-cheese sandwiches, which is fine for now), but I wanted to be well enough to go out to eat too.  But driving still hurts like HE'double hockey sticks' (I remember Vera from the show 'Alice' used to say that...LOL).  So I have to wait on that too.

6.  I don't know what to do next with my life...teach?  i love to teach, but what?  go to school for a k-12 credential?  go to CSULB for the single subject science credential?  try to get a job for a city college? 

My dear friend Anna says go for a P.A.  I feel lost and sad, because I wanted to resume being a WIFE, and of course, I still feel bad failing as a physician...

7.  I feel bad for TinyBear, our grey kitty.  He got attacked 2 weeks ago by another cat and the injury is on the base of his tail and it won't heal.  He's an active kitty who wants to jump walls and chase grasshoppers, but that's not good for a tail that is trying to heal.  Poor kitty.

8.  I've just been generally sad lately, maybe I feel like TinyBear, wanting to (metaphorically) chase grasshoppers, but my body won't let me.  I hope you 'get' that. 

I want to do things, but I'm limited by the healing my body still has to do.

9.  Lately, I can tell my heart muscle itself hurts and is trying to heal. 

I stretch my left arm to turn on the light and the area just left of my incision suddenly gets a sharp, tearing, stinging, biting-type pain.  OUCH! 

Then it takes over an hour of being very still in bed and of course a pain pill for the hurt to dissipate...

10.  Mostly, my sadness is because of T.  And, he won't let me see him or talk to him on the phone. 

He even threatened to change his phone number or tell the court that I am 'harassing' him (which I don't believe - 3 phone messages over 2 weeks I don't believe is harassment...).

11.  I am upset about Medicare.  I want to keep my doctors, most whom I've known for over 20 years, and Medicaid doesn't cover them.  I am going to have to rely on cobra coverage somehow until I can get the coverage I want and can afford to keep.

12.  I am feeling worthless because I am not making any income.  So I've been falling for some of these 'make $ at home scams' and they don't seem to be working...

That's enough griping for now I think.  Mostly I'm upset about T, the divorce, being lonely, and still hurting, after well a month from the surgery date...and I'm still having spontaneous anxiety which is unsettling.....

JOANNAJEAN

Ch17; UPDATE ON DIVORCE and my RECUPERATION

Chapter 17; update on divorce and my recuperation...
April 2, 2010

Last night I couldn't sleep.

T emailed me to say he finally turned in the complete divorce papers.

I was numb for awhile, then i couldn't sleep, even with a sleeping pill, so you can guess how I was feeling...

I just keep thinking, 'IT'S NOT FAIR...'

I never got a 2nd chance to do things right...

He keeps saying 'I don't want to go back.  i could go back if I want, but I don't want to go back.  i'm moving on...'

I keep saying, 'It wouldn't be 'going back'...

it would be 'moving forward,'

like one of the divorce books i got a long time ago...'ditch the old marriage, start a new one, a successful one...'

nope, didn't work...typical man....stubborn

i kept telling him, 'It's ok to change your mind...'

nope, that didn't work either...

It hurt my heart too,

and i know it was my heart hurting because in the hospital when the surgeon was pulling out the pacemaker leads (they put them in during surgery in case for some reason my heart stopped, i guess they put pacemaker leads in the heart so it can get started again easily...thankfully they didn't have to use them...but boy did they sting and hurt when he pulled them out...)

well, one of the pacemaker leads didn't come out smoothly, the surgeon had to tug and tug, and i freaked and tensed and he kept telling me to relax, but i could tell and feel that it was the heart muscle it was stuck on...

this was the same feeling that I felt in my heart when T sent me the email that he finally sent the papers. 

i am mad at him, of course, and think his lawyer is bogus because all this time the lawyer said, 'oh yeah, let her sign, then you sign...'

i guess it was a con the whole time, because then the lawyer says, 'nah, she didn't fill out a response, (or whatever it's called), so it's all you, T.  You have all the power.' 

so that's what he did.  he did it, and i asked him a few times already to send me what he sent the lawyer, so it would be at least a little fair, but no response. he's IGNORING ME, getting his SPACE...poor T, needs his SPACE...

i told T that this is the wrong thing to do.  that he just ran away, left me abandoned.  my dad wants to sue him for abandonment.

honestly, i blame him a lot for the damage to my heart.  i know, i know...'you are responsible for how you handle things...'

but...all the sadness, depression, anxiety, crying...all that stress on my heart, i truly believe damaged it, made my heart work harder and damaged it....

then i went to the doctor the other day and she says there is still a murmur present, i was like, 'what the h#ll!'  i thought they did all that surgery to FIX it! 

but CARDIOLOGY was never my best subject, in fact it is my worst subject probably, so maybe the murmur doesn't go away immediately.

my heart area definately feels very bruised, has for about 2 weeks now. 

don't do this, but imagine punching yourself right over the heart, and symetrically on the right side of your chest too, that's what it's been feeling like the past 2 weeks...

and the incision hurts too. 

thankfully the pain meds (even though the surgeon refilled a lower dose) help a little, i've been trying hard to take less

but...when i lay down, and get in just the right position, the pain eventually eases.  and my appetite is a little better.

car rides still hurt, A LOT, and the pain still wakes me up EVERY NIGHT, but i can move around a little easier, and walking easier too.

still wish T had stuck with me,

him leaving me like that makes me feel like i'm not worth anything, and i'm only worth anything if i don't cause problems,

if i am healthy and sexy - at a moment's notice -

and bring in good money...

oh, and once he told me,

a good woman burns herself when she's making dinner for her MAN in the kitchen,

i scoffed it off at the time, but i guess he really meant it, the woman should suffer for the man, which is all good and fine with me, to a point,

as long as HE'S NICE TO HER!!!!!!  doesn't take much, just an occasional 'i love you, honey...'

i'm mad too because, well,

i'm happy my loans got forgiven, that's a blessing, but really, how was i going to pay it back? 

but i'm mad because,

well, T got a free ride off my loans, which i have to suffer in order for them to have been forgiven...

that's truly not fair. 

i'm only seeing this from my point of view, but still, not fair that he gets to run away,

scott free,
good job,
good pay,
good health,

and he leaves me bleeding in the dust,
sick,
torn,
hurt (inside and out),
no money,
no financial support,
happy to do whatever he wants...

heck, i don't even know if he has a conscience...

he's probably turned it around in his head that it's all my fault,

i tried to explain things, YET AGAIN, to him, in an email, but no response,

i'm just a dumb woman to him, i guess, anyway, that's how i feel he feels...

i think he really f*cked me up. 

yet i still love him and want him back.  probably i want his acceptance and approval.  probably not healthy, but if he would just be nice to me and accept me for who i am, things would have been fine.

but i'm only 33, what the h*ll do i know?  i seem to believe that the more days i live, the less i know...

that's from a sit com, 'Valerie'

it goes "the more you learn, the less you know..."

that's true.

so i don't know what to do with the rest of my life.  I want T back and for him to be nice to me and to love me.  I am mad at him for not giving the marriage another chance, I am mad that he didn't stick with our vows, i really thought he took them seriously.

i want to, when i am strong and healthy enough to maybe work again, part time at first...teach maybe...finish my teaching credential...but which one, the k-12, or the single subject science, or start with substitute teaching, or try to teach at a college?  then there's tutoring...i like that...

but still there's that 'put down' that keeps in my head that T always said...'those that can - WORK, those that can't - TEACH'

i know it's wrong, but it's been tatooed in my brain and so i don't feel good about myself teaching...

then there's research too, i love research, had a couple good interviews for research too.  i like it...

and then there's medical stuff.  i miss medicine.  i know it's a big reason T left me, but i think even if i had dumped medicine, he still may have found a way or a reason to leave me anyway...

all i know...it wasn't supposed to work out this way...i should be finishing up my medical family medicine internship, looking forward to a job practicing medicine, had a solid and happy marriage, been on a few out-of-country trips, one of course to Hawaii, with T, had a baby while i was working with internship and residency, HAPPY, MARRIED, had a husband, T, who loved me and respected me, and a baby who would grow up with my niece and they'd play with eachother every once in awhile....

so why did things turn out this way?  why did i faint in november and break my hip, why did my heart poop out on me and i had to have surgery, and T didn't even visit me or even TALK  to me? 

at least i don't have a mechanical valve...i still want to have a baby...i'm glad my parents and sister and brothers and family are doing ok, or at least relatively ok....

and today, this whole medical insurance thing, i'm going to need that 6 months of cobra, but then i got tricked with SSI and SSDI and no one really was in the mood to help me because of Easter weekend coming up and all that...

so i am not eligible for Medicare, which i had been led to believe for the past 2 years, that majorly sucks,

i can't get spousal support (like he'd give it to me anyway...) because it just takes from my SSI anyway, and i still have to pay rent,

but with all these hospital copays, procedure copays, DME copays, doctor visit copays, drug copays, there's never enough $$ to pay the whole rent,

so my chances of getting a studio to move out and stop paying on my rental chances are LOW LOW LOW, and i've been trying to make money with these internet schemes, such as this blog,

supposedly you are supposed to be able to make money with a blog, but hasn't worked for me....

tried selling things on ebay, but i'm having a problem with my digital camera and can't get the pics on the computer easily anymore, and no one wants to buy hand-made bracelets...

so what do i do? 

i don't know...

i can't get any traffic to this blog.  i thought it would be interesting....i still have my chest tube story to tell...i already told the one where they put it in...horrible...but i have yet to tell of the friday when they took it out...

filled out the survey they sent me of my hospital stay...it was not a good evaluation...main complaint was the bed.  i should have insisted on an egg crate or had my dad buy me a sleeping bag or 2 so i would have been at least a little more comfortable...

and the room smelled like dust, and there wasn't much variety of the food,

and i always felt like i was 'bad' when i asked for pain medicine.  but i would ask them and feel guilty, like they felt less of me for wanting pain medicine, i hated that, i was in pain a lot more than i should have because they made me feel ashamed to ask for pain medicine. 

anyway, i don't know what to do...

i've written enough, still tired but can't sleep.  have to finish my medical transcription thing. 

i'm jealous of all my medical school classmates who got to finish their dream, they are all practicing now, most were successful with their families and marriages and the girls got to have their babies.  everything went to pot for me...

why couldn't T just be there for me...why couldn't he do it?  he's smart, he knew what was happening...i tried, did he know i was really trying? 

i always thought it was ironic that a communication major, a masters in communication would let his marriage go.  maybe he just didn't love me enough. 

i tried to be the wife he wanted, maybe he wanted someone meaner...but i don't like to be mean like that...maybe he wanted someone taller...

see, he never said goodbye to me so i could get those answers straight from him, just not fair. 

why does god do this to people?  it's just not fair...

just don't know what to do...

i'll probably write my 2nd chest tube story next...i miss T...i get cold at night, all the sad feelings come back at night...i don't know what to do, and he's decided to 'ignore' my emails....

goodnight...

JOANNAJEAN

Chapter 16; reminded of the CHEST TUBE...

Chapter 16; reminded of the Chest Tube...

Besides the surgery itself and the lengthy and PAINFUL recovery, when i look back, one of the three AWFUL things about being in the hospital this time was the CHEST TUBE.

First of all, it came as a SURPRISE.  They had taken out the chest tubes that they had put in during the surgery on the 1st, but i knew there was some trouble when the tube looked clotted, but no one said anything.

Apparently, the tube DID clog, so that's why they took it out.  It was a very small diameter.

It was around 9pm and the surgeon said "this is what we have to do.  there is fluid in your left lung according to the Chest x-ray.  But it's no big deal, finish your dinner..."

Well, i couldn't really eat after that.  My dad had just left, and i was alone.  Strangely enough, i had visitors, in the ICU no less, very kind of them and Mr. D gave me a word of advice that i actually used throughout my hospital stay...he said, "This will pass," and he's right!

So the surgeon and the RN prepped me and gave me shots and shots of lidocaine.  i had only seen a chest tube put in once in medical school by an intern and the attending, and it looked horrible!

The lidocaine helped but i would have liked to have some sedation like valium or something so i wouldn't hurt so much.

he kept saying 'don't close your eyes, look at me,' which made my body relax more but i was still as stressed out.

i could feel the cut and them putting the tube in, then the soft tube and pushing it through.  the lidocaine was ok, until he hit some SPOT an all this fluid came gushing out, like 600cc's.

there was a lot of 'referred pain' because of the trauma put on the nerve which affects the intercostal nerves.

Then, out of nowhere, i started screaming in pain!  I cried, "what is that!  why does it hurt soooo much???"

Dr. A calmly explained that it was good, meant the lung was opening up (it had been collapsed from all the fluid) and as it re-inflates fully, it affects all those nerves, those intercostal nerves and that's why it hurt.

Well, it RUINED my whole night.  I was hungry because i didn't get to finish my dinner, and i had HORRIBLE muscle spasms in my back because of the referred pain, and i had spasms EVERY time i breathed. 

I didn't get any sleep, even with pain medication, until about 3am, and then i only slept for 2 hours.

So, having the Chest tube in, and then finally taking it out, is a whole other chapter, both of them pretty bad.

JOANNAJEAN

ch13;friday

ch13;friday
the day his prozac kicked in...

i saw the doctor on monday, i've been upset ever since.  THAT is why i haven't written...

i had trouble on wednesday getting my pain medication.  i must be blacklisted...

do u know how it feels to be accussed of 'drug seeking' when it's obvious u have chronic, back wrenching pain, ALL THE TIME...

it makes me feel like people don't care about me.

my parents and sister have been very nice to me.

my 'mother-in-law' was nice enough to drop off my DVDs and my diamond ring which i have been asking for for 2 years...

but T hasn't answered me back...i feel like no one cares about me, it would mean so much to me if i knew he cared, if he called, if he came over to say goodbye, or even just to visit...

am i even worth this huge surgery that i have to do?

it's going to hurt, and i will have no husband to hold my hand, to comfort me,

i don't know if most people understand, but it's a big difference when your husband is there for you, it's a different bond than a family bond...

and i'm going to hurt and be scared, and my parents can't help much because they don't want me to love T anymore,

but i can't help it, u feel what u feel.

sorry i have not written since monday or whatever.

it was nice to see my neice, but it wore me out. 

and now i want to have a baby too because she is so sweet, and i am sad i cannot see her again for a long time. 

i try to sleep so i am not sad. 

i am not brave enough right now to 'face it' and be brave.  it's going to hurt and i know it, and it's going to hurt for a long, long while.

i got back my diamond ring (finally) today, but when i looked at it, there was no love there, it was dull, kinda 'spitting me in the face',

saying 'ha ha, your husband doesn't love u anymore...'  ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, you are not worth anything anymore, ha ha ha ha, it was all a big joke...that's how i feel...

it doesn't even fit on me anymore because i lost so much weight, and i found out that the blood test from monday said i am anemic. 

great, going into heart surgery, when i'm anemic, is not a good sign...

going into heart surgery when i'm only 100 pounds is not a good sign...

going into heart surgery when i am sad because my husband doesn't care and won't even see me or call me or email me to say, 'i care, and good luck...'

that's the worst for me because i believe in 'mind over matter' and that attitude and how u feel when you go into surgery makes a big difference. 

knowing that T doesn't care makes a HUGE difference...it makes me more scared...

...the cats are giving me very, very strange stares, like they know i will be leaving...

i am afraid my guardian angels are not watching over me here on earth anymore, i am afraid they are waiting for me in heaven.

i can't sleep at night...

i'm afraid of the pain the surgery will be...why did god, or whoever is in charge, do this to me...

and if i am in pain, and they can't control it, they will just let me suffer...maybe they don't care either...

i liked when T cared about me...it gave me strength and motivation to get better...my family is being nice to me, but only because, i think, they have to be nice to me...

i don't have a good feeling about this. 

i am scared and i am going to be alone.  i need T to hold my hand...he doesn't have to be there all the time, just a little bit to hold my hand, he doesn't even have to say anything...

this hospital is the farthest one from my home, my parents will only be only be able to visit me for a little bit, maybe even not every day! 

it will be too hard on them.  it will be too hard on them to help me when i get home. 

i know they don't want to have to help me, it's too hard, on everyone,

i don't have the confidence, strength, courage, and not going to be able to be brave.

i get so tired lately... 

i have to have the surgery.  i don't know how well i will recover. 

T helped me so much,

how can he sleep at night knowing how hard this is for me... 

...how hard he is making it for my parents. 

i've asked almost everyone i know to ask him to help, to do at least SOMETHING, no luck. 

i am sad and scared, and cannot sleep, and i get sooooo tired and my heart pounds and pounds and pounds. 

i wanted to have a baby the same time my niece was born.  it's just not fair.

i don't know how to get through the weekend.  i want to be brave, but i have a feeling i will just get more scared as Monday comes closer.

why am i being punished?  it's not fair...

JOANNAJEAN

ch12;scared?

Ch12;scared?

there's a song, i'm pretty sure by faster pussycat called scared...i remember requesting it on KNAC or Pirate Radio when I was like 12 alone in Memorial Hospital...THEY PLAYED IT...

I hate going to see the doctor...all she said today, with wide eyes was...

'go over "Five Wishes" with your Mom, 'go over the 'quality of life that is important with you with your mom'...'make sure you make lots of copies of that "Five Wishes" and send one to us...'

she said...

"you are resistant to a lot of pain medicines....be aware that it's going to hurt, and they probably won't be able to control it..."

she said...

"this is a BIG, MAJOR surgery..."

i asked her..."did they magnify that chest x-ray?  my heart looks HUGE?"

she said..."yeah, THE HEART IS enlarged..."

she said she talked to the cardiologist...he said..."yeah, now's her window to have the surgery..."  looking at the computer, typing something in...she says to me...

"so you do know if you don't have the surgery now...you'll go into heart failure...yeah...that can be fatal..."

i'm not mad at her...she's doing her job...a job I WANTED TO DO TOO!  i'm glad i was by myself...i'm glad mom or dad wasn't there, i didn't have to be brave, i didn't have to sit up straight and pretend i wasn't nervous or hurting, i could look weak, i didn't have to look anyone in the eye, i could hunch over because i hurt, i didn't have to pretend...

oh, and she said...

"be sure you discuss with your mom if there are any complications how much 'quality of life' means to you..."

I said..."well, I don't want to be starved..."

I said..."but I don't want to be kept in a coma for more than a couple weeks..."

"but i think I have to think about the other things...'quality of life..."

don't want to be like chris reeves, he was miserable, i read his book...

don't want to be like the vegas lion tamer guy...he was in too much pain...don't want to hurt and be tortured by hurt or hunger, or wither away like the lady who crumbled away (remember, she was the big issue before the POPE died...)

I asked..."how does a heart-lung machine work..."

she said "i'm not sure, ask the surgeon..."

I said..."the surgeon doesn't need to see me...and I'm out of pain patches...."

well, she said "I don't want anyone to think u r doctor shopping..."

I started to sob..."i hate when people think that of me...it makes me feel horrible..."

i mean u can see the kyphoplasty on my side-ways x-ray...

my dad gave blood, THANK YOU DAD...but why was he SO MAD???  he seemed so mad about it...it made me sad...

the whole time I thought of T...but kept it mostly to myself...all our memories...he may have been BORED by all the little things...but i remember the little details, cherish the little memories, the times i made him smile, the quick trips to Wendys when we lived in POMONA...

i wanted to talk about him all day...all the little things i remember...but i know i won't see him...

he doesn't care...he doesn't care...he doesn't care...

forget about him...'everyone says that to me' forget about him...but they

DON'T HAVE A FLOWER CALLED 'FORGET ABOUT HIM'...

THEY HAVE A FLOWER CALLED

FORGET ME NOT...

but no one wants to hear about it....

i didn't sleep a wink last night....my heart pounds...i think maybe i'm so scared, i don't want to feel it...

she shouldn't have said 'it's going to hurt so much that they won't be able to control it...'

i've been saying the past 5 days thats MY WORST FEAR...

one week...i won't be here to pet the kitties...Tiny purrs when i say his name...

Daisy makes a 'currrdddly' sound when she comes aaround for attention....

Lucky sleeps in a little basket that's too small for him...

Mirage hears voices...

Lucy is mean for the fun of it, then waddles away like in that Disney move, i think the aristocrats, never saw it...

Missy works all day to keep her winter coat perfect and fluffy, she gorgeous...

afraid to go to sleep, don't know if i'll be scared tomorrow, everyone's being nice to me,

except the one person who i want to care about me, but i can't say it to anyone, they'll just think i'm dumb...but it was my / our wedding, i was happy, why did he just leave....

he chose his life over mine....

i just want to know he cares...i'm mad i can't talk about it, i'm mad i can't say to anyone how much it hurts, i'm mad about what he said in that email...i thought he loved me a lot...it sucks....

next week, i'll be alone, hurting, tired, cut up, i DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN, complications?  maybe....

why couldn't he just give me a hug goodbye...it's just not fair...not fair, not fair, not fair...

i'm the one who has to hurt....not fair..

i worked so hard to eat, be a good girl, gain weight...not fair, only gained 2 pounds...

i thought he loved me, i thought he cared about me...i don't feel stupid that i love him

...i want to crawl in his head and know how he can sleep at night....he knows how i feel....

IT'S NOT FAIR...IT'S GONNA HURT...I'M GONNA BE ALONE...i don't wanna be brave...

what else can i say....i just want a hug goodbye and a 'you didn't ruin my life...'

NOT FAIR!!!!!!

take care...

JOANNAJEAN....

Ch10-facebook

Ch10-Facebook & Visiting Family...

I learned a little about the internet 'SOCIAL NETWORKING' today when I visited my family, which actually cheered me up.

I got to see A and my brother and R my neice (I didn't ask permission to use names, so I just use initials for now...) don't want to get anyone mad...

I found out how to get on FACEBOOK and they said to 'post this link on your website,' so I'll try it...wait, it has my married name on it, which I don't have 'permission' to use either, so oh well...

I was in a funk, really really sad all day because 1) 10 days to my surgery, and 2) what T (my husband), said to me in an email yesterday. I don't want to remember it or repeat it, it will just make me feel bad again...

It cheered me up to see my neice. I think she's grown since last I saw her during the holidays in December.

Anyway, I guess I will keep this short.

I guess I will have my ups and downs by the time my surgery comes closer.

Most I am afraid of is the PAIN.

And I am mad, right now, at T, because I don't think he wants a divorce because he stopped loving me, he just gave up because things got too hard and complicated, which is sort of a PARADOX,

because one MAJOR reason I decided he was (would be) a good husband is because of how he was (is) so loyal to his family, no MATTER what happened (happens).

I NEVER THOUGHT HE'D GIVE UP ON ME OR OUR MARRIAGE.

IT'S JUST NOT FAIR.

I don't know, now I'm just BABBLING, so I'll try to stop...

Thanks,

JOANNAJEAN

CH9:CARDIOLOGIST

CH9; CARDIOLOGIST VISIT
The Day His Prozac Kicked In...

I saw the CARDIOLOGIST yesterday to get all the particulars about my OPEN HEART SURGERY on March 1st, which is coming up SOON...

He's a nice man, my info in a nutshell, some were SHOCKING SURPRISES, a.k.a., things I didn't learn in MEDICAL SCHOOL...

*4 Hour long surgery (I thought it was 2 hours...)

*My WHOLE BODY will basically be SHUT DOWN, meaning...

*My heart will be 'PUT TO REST' as he described (does that mean I'll be
technically DEAD?)

*and CHILLED....

*I will be put on a HEART-LUNG MACHINE, BUT...
*I will still have damaging effects on my whole body...

*He said about 1 week in the hospital, but I have a feeling it will be
more...

*The most shocking thing he told me was that for about a month POST-
OP, because of my LIVER being affected, I won't be able to eat much
because things won't taste good...THAT SUCKS!

*I will have PAIN in my BACK because of them cranking open my
STERNUM, which puts pressure on the spinal nerves, which sucks
because, now, NO MATTER, which way I lay, I will hurt...

*I will need AT LEAST 2 units of blood (which I will ask from my DAD)

*because of the opening of my STERNUM, I will have 'temporary'
(I hope), tingling and numbness of my arms...which REALLY
SUCKS...

*I need a MECHANICAL VALVE, which means I have to be on BLOOD
THINNERS the rest of my life, which REALLY SUCKS TOO, but...

*he said I could still have a baby by switching to another BLOOD
THINNER, which I THINK is GOOD NEWS, it just kinda scares me
to be on blood thinners because I already bruise VERY easily

*I have to give him credit, he actually spent like 30 or 45 minutes
talking to me, which was really nice...

It's always STRESSFUL for me to go to the doctor because it reminds me of all of the things WRONG with me. It helps lately that my Mom or Dad goes with me,

but I still don't get the world and why God (or whoever is in charge) gave me all these problems...It just isn't FAIR!

I'm still REALLY bruised up from the ANGIOGRAM, but the Cardiologist checked and said it's normal.

I still have my BLADDER infection, and he kindly sent a new prescription to the PHARMACY for more CIPRO.

He said the worst complication there could be after the surgery is INFECTION, which I pretty much already knew...

but I was worried about INTERNAL BLEEDING, which he said you can't really feel, so that STILL worries me...

Anyway, so about 10 more days until the surgery.

I got a letter when I got home (regular SNAIL MAIL, LOL)...telling me all my PRE-OP and PRE-ADMISSION appointments, so that answered a lot of my questions too. You know, CHEST X-RAYS, BLOOD TESTS, HISTORY & PHYSICAL, all that...

So, I'm pretty down...

because it's going to be an AWFUL recovery, and a LOT OF PAIN. And since I've been on pain medications for a long time, I'm 'TOLERANT,' so they have to increase the dosage, and sometimes the nurses freak out, or the people at the PHARMACY freak out, giving out pain meds, I guess they don't understand, and think I just am an addict.

I hate when I get that look, they don't understand and it makes me feel like I'm a horrible person...

I emailed these details to T, but no answer as of yet...which makes me sad, because I know he won't talk to me or see me before my surgery. I think it would really make a difference if he gave me some words of confidence, so that makes me sad that he's ignoring me...

Anyway, I also have to have a CHEST TUBE to make sure my lungs re-inflate after the surgery, and I saw a chest tube put in when I was in MEDICAL SCHOOL, so I know it will HURT HURT HURT.

I will also be on a VENTILATOR, which I've been on before, and that's like just pure TORTURE.

...but I don't have a choice...it has to be done...

So, I'm not very happy, and I'm scared of all the pain, and I'm terrified of any COMPLICATIONS that may occur.

Also, I know my Mom and Dad will help, but knowing I won't have the comfort and support of the husband who (I thought) loved me so much, doesn't make me very confident about my emotional state.

Anyway, I just hope I'll be able to breathe ok after the surgery, and I'm sad about it.

I guess it's good that there's a way to FIX IT, but honestly, that doesn't really provide me with any comfort.

I guess that's it for now. I just have to keep my wits. Have a lot of phone calls to make tomorrow, you know--INSURANCE, stuff like that...

I'm just low on COURAGE right now, and having DEPRESSION doesn't help much, and of course I'm SCARED.

Everyone can say all the support and advice to me they want, which I truly appreciate, but I'M THE ONE who has to go through all the PAIN and FEAR...

I don't know how people handle this...LIFE is SCARY.

Maybe I'll get a little encouragement from T, I shouldn't wish for that, because he wants NOTHING to do with me anymore and I should just let him be...but, I'm SCARED...

Until next time...

JOANNAJEAN