chapter30;no stopping him, and no strength!

chapter30
no stopping him!
no more strength!

well, shoot, i've pretty much lost.

T wants to finish everything up by the end of the month.

i feel i've tried everything, but he won't change his mind, even though he admits he feels guilty about leaving me!

it really really sucks! 

so i'm SAD about that!

and about recovery?

i've been bad,

it's too hard and hurts too much to go to the cardiac rehab.  i'd rather push myself at my own pace at the gym down the street. 

i know that's wimpy of me, but like i've said before, i've been through so much of all this sh*t for the past 23 years, i'm tired of being a 'good sport,' and an 'obedient patient.'  yick.

so i've been getting my strength back slowly.  want to go to the gym down the street, but don't have walking shoes

and i am a little afraid i'll catch something.  lots of people, lots of things to catch.  that would suck too.

so i'm sad again. 

worried about medical insurance.  may end up losing all my doctors and having ONLY medic-aid.  talk about feeling useless.  worried about money too.  that sucks too.

that, and i can't sleep. 

it all pretty much sucks.

just wanted to make an update.

JoannaJean

Ch29-Recovery?

Chapter29-Recovery?

Been awhile since I wrote...

1.  Divorce still not final.  Don't want it to be...

2.  From what I gather from my minimal contact with T (infrequent and brief emails...) he's as miserable as I am...

3.  By that rationale...we should be together and work things out, we'd still be miserable, but at least (I think) we'd feel like we are doing the RIGHT thing...

4.  Cardiac Recovery - It's REALLY hard to get all the way across town to get to the Cardiac Rehab place at the hospital.  I can't drive that far yet.

5.  But, the one time I've gone, it was REALLY good.  It's a wonderful program, but I think after a couple more sessions, I'll just work out at the gym across the street from me, so much easier to get to, I just have to MAKE myself go a couple times a week...

6.  But i am frustrated with my recovery.  I think part of it may be my fault, since I'm not pushing myself 100%, but like I said when these 2 surgeries started, way back in October, 'I've been thru all this for over 20 years, I'm tired of being good and tough all the time, just tired of it...'

7.  It's hard having to do a divorce and try to get strong and recover from the surgery - simultaneously.  Too much.  I don't know what my place is anymore, I don't know what I am supposed to be doing...I don't know what I am supposed to do.

8.  Before, I knew...ok, get good grades to get a good job.  ok, that makes sense.  Also, my role was, wife-try to make T happy.  So I knew what to do before.  Now, I feel lost...and tired, sad, lonesome for T, guilty for bugging my Mom and Dad, worthless for not having a job, frustrated with my recovery, etc.