ch31: HEARTACHE AND HEADACHES

Chapter 31; June 30, 2010

I sent the final papers.
I signed them at 4am a few days ago.  I couldn't sleep.
I felt so dizzy afterwards, i got up to get a drink of my gatorade / lemonade mix.
I was careful, but still fell and smacked my head on the wall (again) and slammed on my behind and crunched my tailbone (again).
I don't know how this happened, I was being careful, I guess just not careful enough.

The next day I stuffed the signed papers in a nice envelope and sent it to his mom like he asked. 
It's just now hitting me that he is going to get the papers soon in the mail, if he hasn't already.

I was even nice enough to enclose a blank envelope, so he could get a copy mailed back.

I don't even think the signed papers were anything that was legally necessary, i think he just did it to 'appease' me.

whatever...

he's going to get the papers back.
i already got the official paper from the court.

my heart is sinking.

i asked my mom what is wrong with me.
i've been dizzy, not able to leave the house.

today i tried to walk to the corner, was too unsteady, made it halfway and came back.

there was a little life-saver.
tiny.
the little kitty my mom rescued 2 summers ago and we all took turns taking care of him, my mom, my sister, and myself.
he cheered me up with his antics and attacked my feet, i threw my extra hair bands in the air for him.

then my mom & sister rolled up in my car and my mom had some food.  i guess i was hungry.  i didn't know i was hungry, i'm kind of in a daze, like my mind is trying to DISTRACT itself from what is really happening.

the path of my life that i have envisioned is veering off course.
i am alone.
i think i have decided what i am going to do.

go back to the little kids, so i can get out of the house.
it was easy, the kids made me happy, or like i was contributing something.

i haven't been able to eat today.
i was really sick last night.
my tailbone hurts.

the doctor's office called and said that the spine dr i saw lastweek looked again at my xray from my LAST couple falls a couple weeks ago, and wants to get an MRI just to be careful.
when i left his office last week, he said there wasn't cause for concern because i was not having pain.
besides, what can u really do for a broken tailbone?
didn't really study that in school.

anyway, i asked my mom what the problem was - being dizzy, falling, can't eat, nausea - she just said point-blank - it's a BROKEN HEART.

i thought last week...

ok, my heart's broken, it can't get broken into any more pieces, right?

wrong...it's like a book i read a long time ago, the character, a drow, was stuck in a hell where they torture you just until you are about to die...then they let you live and let you build up again...just to torture you again until you are just about to die...this goes on for eternity.   yeah, it kind of is like that.

my mom must understand, she seems to understand.
she says i have a broken heart.

he didn't have to do that.
he chose the thrill of other women and jumping out of airplanes and partying until 4am (i'm assuming), over having a wife who truly loves him and wants to start a family.  i wasn't good enough anymore for him.
maybe it's a plague that occurs in orange county...you have to be 'good enough' to succeed.
i think that's bull, but he chose money and success over love.  even if my heart and body is cracked, broken, scarred, and damaged, it's still a body that loves him, my mind is good. 
why wasn't that good enough for him?

i get physical heart pain too.
in the hospital, dr s tugged out the pacemaker lead wires that were stuck directly into my heart, so in case my heart stopped, they could hook up the machines to the leads in my chest and 'jumpstart my heart'

(ha, there's a motely crue song named that, my brother and i used to use it when we were lifting weights with arnold and lee's weider workout system, ha ha)

anyway, the first lead came out ok.  there was a 2nd lead on the more left lateral side of my heart that was really stuck in there.  i could feel my heart muscle tugging against the lead.  it completely freaked me out, and dr s was frustrated, so i could tell it was not a good thing. 

he finally got it out, but my point is that i know the physical heart pain, and yes, this divorce pain causes that physical heart pain.  i explained this to dr s and for some reason he couldn't look at me.  i think he understood, maybe it happened to him, who knows.

i don't want to be alone.
he didn't have to do this.
it's wrong, things are not supposed to be this way.
i'm in a lot of pain.
i cannot sleep, i cannot eat.
i am tired, but cannot sleep.
i sleep with my diamond ring in my hand.
i don't want to lose all hope.
he shouldn't have done this.
i am sad.
it's not fair.
life hurts too much.
i guess that's my update.

LOVE, JOANNA

Ch29-Recovery?

Chapter29-Recovery?

Been awhile since I wrote...

1.  Divorce still not final.  Don't want it to be...

2.  From what I gather from my minimal contact with T (infrequent and brief emails...) he's as miserable as I am...

3.  By that rationale...we should be together and work things out, we'd still be miserable, but at least (I think) we'd feel like we are doing the RIGHT thing...

4.  Cardiac Recovery - It's REALLY hard to get all the way across town to get to the Cardiac Rehab place at the hospital.  I can't drive that far yet.

5.  But, the one time I've gone, it was REALLY good.  It's a wonderful program, but I think after a couple more sessions, I'll just work out at the gym across the street from me, so much easier to get to, I just have to MAKE myself go a couple times a week...

6.  But i am frustrated with my recovery.  I think part of it may be my fault, since I'm not pushing myself 100%, but like I said when these 2 surgeries started, way back in October, 'I've been thru all this for over 20 years, I'm tired of being good and tough all the time, just tired of it...'

7.  It's hard having to do a divorce and try to get strong and recover from the surgery - simultaneously.  Too much.  I don't know what my place is anymore, I don't know what I am supposed to be doing...I don't know what I am supposed to do.

8.  Before, I knew...ok, get good grades to get a good job.  ok, that makes sense.  Also, my role was, wife-try to make T happy.  So I knew what to do before.  Now, I feel lost...and tired, sad, lonesome for T, guilty for bugging my Mom and Dad, worthless for not having a job, frustrated with my recovery, etc.

ch28

Tired...
Headache...
Sternal incision pain...

Surgeon basically said...'yeah, you'll have pain...LIVE WITH IT...'

or my favorite...'try TYLENOL...'
doesn't work...

frustrated...

too much PAIN...
for TOO LONG...

can't think about DIVORCE...
actually PHYSICALLY makes my HEART HURT...

NOT FAIR
NOT FAIR
NOT FAIR...

did u know if u take vorc
out of divorce
you get DIE?

like i said,
NOT FAIR!

thanks,
needed to vent..

one more thing...

can't even play on the computer...hurts my CHEST...annoying and NOT FAIR

NOT FAIR
NOT FAIR
NOT FAIR

ok,

JOANNAJEAN

CH20:STILL SAD...

CHAPTER 20;
STILL SAD AND LONELY

I am sad and lonely again tonight. 

I haven't been able to sleep. 

I hope I can sleep tonight, but probably not, I always wake up after having a bad dream. 

Sometimes I cry in my sleep. 

I am sad about the divorce papers.  I don't want the divorce, I feel like when it happens, I'll be like at the edge of a cliff, nowhere to go, alone, scared, not knowing what to do. 

I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be sad. 

I liked our little life together, we'd be getting ready for bed, probably watching a movie or TV or something.  I'd be warm and I wouldn't be lonely, and I'd be happy. 

I'm so scared for when those papers come, I think I'll feel as sad as a person can feel. 

Even after 2 years, I still miss him. 

I don't think any miracle will come and fix everything.  I'm sad and lonely, and miss him....

I know it's gonna happen, and I know how horrible I'll feel, and I know I'll cry, and I know crying will hurt my chest. 

I just hope I can sleep,

but then I just dream about him and when we used to go on trips and see things...

I wish things could be happier...

PLEASE, T, CHANGE YOUR MIND....PLEASE????

JOANNAJEAN

ch19: another note on the divorce...broken vows...

chapter19; aversion....broken vows
another note on the divorce.....



it's 330am and i cannot sleep. 

i am scared because any day now the divorce is going to be final and i will for real be all alone in my life. 

that's how i feel.  when that paper comes in the mail or i get that email, i'll be DEVASTATED...

T was / is the only man i've loved, the only man i've ever wanted to love, and the only man I ever want to love, and i feel that when the divorce is final, that'll be it...i'll be devastated and just be nothing,

i'll feel dissolved and alone...

i'll have no motivation for anything and i feel like i'll never be happy about anything really, ever again. 

i'm already starting to feel like that.  and i don't think i'll be able to handle it...it's just not fair...

aversion...i don't like that word, i think it is unfair...there was one more point i wanted to make,

T, i don't think i will be very enthusiastic about this life if i don't get to live it with you. 

life had color and meaning when i was with you...

and goals meant something to me when i had them to share with you...

we've been apart over 2 years, i still dream about u every night and usually wake up crying because u r not there next to me, like u used to be

and i'm still sad i don't get to hold your hand and i don't get to say 'i love you' and get to hear you say it back...

with a failed marriage, i think i will always be sad. 

this isn't like a suicide thing, i just know that my life will never be as happy as it was with you, T.  i don't think you realize how much you meant to me, every minute of every day... 

i've lived 33 years and even though i haven't been through everything there is to go through, i'd say i'd had more than my fair share, and i was able to get through it, and go forward, knowing you'd be at my side, no-matter what,

now that that belief has been shattered, never in a million years, did i think you'd leave...i trusted that we'd be together no matter what...

i don't believe my life will ever have the happiness and color that it did when i knew u loved me as a wife, and that out of all the girls you could have chosen, you picked me...

that always meant the world to me....

that's just how i feel and i pray you might still change your mind, but i know you won't and my heart will always be broken.  

i just had to mention that, and that i'm still sad. 

p.s.  i still look at my engagement diamond ring and golden wedding ring every day (now that i have it...) and i've just about gained enough weight now (i lost so much during the surgery and weeks afterwards), that it almost fits again...

it fits on my finger just like the day you proposed to me, and the day we got married and you put the wedding band on my finger and we said our VOWS...

they both fit now...that is sad to me...i always wanted to wear them every day we were married, but i know they would have fallen off or got misplaced or something when i washed my hands or something. 

the point is, they fit now, my wedding rings fit....

there was something else i wanted to say, but i forget...i love you, T. 

Please don't leave me, don't divorce me, please???


JOANNAJEAN

CHAPTER 18; WHEN WILL THINGS GET BETTER?

Chapter 18:  When will things get better?

Just a general update for my blog.

1.  Why can't I seem to get anyone to read my blog?  I'm sure it's interesting enough.  I'm not a 'romance novelist' like in "Romancing the Stone," so I don't have that kind of 'interesting...'

2.  I am overwhelmingly SAD because T finally sent in the FINAL papers so the DIVORCE is going to be FINAL any day now...I have SO many feelings about that, that I shouldn't even start...what am I going to do?  I'm all alone in the world now, and sad...

3.  I am 40 days (or so) post-op from my open heart surgery, and I feel I'm at a stand-still.  At first I blamed the fact that the final divorce papers were sent in and that I was depressed, but now I think that is just part of the recipe.

4.  Surgery: (continued)  Like with the kyphoplasty I had, the 'literature' says, within six to eight weeks, you should be back to normal, me no.  I'm still sleeping a lot, and I'm still having CONSTANT pain. 

The pain is better, by better I mean less, but maybe because it's still there, ALL THE TIME, it's WEARING ME DOWN.

5.  I feel cooped up.  I want to drive and go out to eat (I've been living on grilled-cheese sandwiches, which is fine for now), but I wanted to be well enough to go out to eat too.  But driving still hurts like HE'double hockey sticks' (I remember Vera from the show 'Alice' used to say that...LOL).  So I have to wait on that too.

6.  I don't know what to do next with my life...teach?  i love to teach, but what?  go to school for a k-12 credential?  go to CSULB for the single subject science credential?  try to get a job for a city college? 

My dear friend Anna says go for a P.A.  I feel lost and sad, because I wanted to resume being a WIFE, and of course, I still feel bad failing as a physician...

7.  I feel bad for TinyBear, our grey kitty.  He got attacked 2 weeks ago by another cat and the injury is on the base of his tail and it won't heal.  He's an active kitty who wants to jump walls and chase grasshoppers, but that's not good for a tail that is trying to heal.  Poor kitty.

8.  I've just been generally sad lately, maybe I feel like TinyBear, wanting to (metaphorically) chase grasshoppers, but my body won't let me.  I hope you 'get' that. 

I want to do things, but I'm limited by the healing my body still has to do.

9.  Lately, I can tell my heart muscle itself hurts and is trying to heal. 

I stretch my left arm to turn on the light and the area just left of my incision suddenly gets a sharp, tearing, stinging, biting-type pain.  OUCH! 

Then it takes over an hour of being very still in bed and of course a pain pill for the hurt to dissipate...

10.  Mostly, my sadness is because of T.  And, he won't let me see him or talk to him on the phone. 

He even threatened to change his phone number or tell the court that I am 'harassing' him (which I don't believe - 3 phone messages over 2 weeks I don't believe is harassment...).

11.  I am upset about Medicare.  I want to keep my doctors, most whom I've known for over 20 years, and Medicaid doesn't cover them.  I am going to have to rely on cobra coverage somehow until I can get the coverage I want and can afford to keep.

12.  I am feeling worthless because I am not making any income.  So I've been falling for some of these 'make $ at home scams' and they don't seem to be working...

That's enough griping for now I think.  Mostly I'm upset about T, the divorce, being lonely, and still hurting, after well a month from the surgery date...and I'm still having spontaneous anxiety which is unsettling.....

JOANNAJEAN

Ch17; UPDATE ON DIVORCE and my RECUPERATION

Chapter 17; update on divorce and my recuperation...
April 2, 2010

Last night I couldn't sleep.

T emailed me to say he finally turned in the complete divorce papers.

I was numb for awhile, then i couldn't sleep, even with a sleeping pill, so you can guess how I was feeling...

I just keep thinking, 'IT'S NOT FAIR...'

I never got a 2nd chance to do things right...

He keeps saying 'I don't want to go back.  i could go back if I want, but I don't want to go back.  i'm moving on...'

I keep saying, 'It wouldn't be 'going back'...

it would be 'moving forward,'

like one of the divorce books i got a long time ago...'ditch the old marriage, start a new one, a successful one...'

nope, didn't work...typical man....stubborn

i kept telling him, 'It's ok to change your mind...'

nope, that didn't work either...

It hurt my heart too,

and i know it was my heart hurting because in the hospital when the surgeon was pulling out the pacemaker leads (they put them in during surgery in case for some reason my heart stopped, i guess they put pacemaker leads in the heart so it can get started again easily...thankfully they didn't have to use them...but boy did they sting and hurt when he pulled them out...)

well, one of the pacemaker leads didn't come out smoothly, the surgeon had to tug and tug, and i freaked and tensed and he kept telling me to relax, but i could tell and feel that it was the heart muscle it was stuck on...

this was the same feeling that I felt in my heart when T sent me the email that he finally sent the papers. 

i am mad at him, of course, and think his lawyer is bogus because all this time the lawyer said, 'oh yeah, let her sign, then you sign...'

i guess it was a con the whole time, because then the lawyer says, 'nah, she didn't fill out a response, (or whatever it's called), so it's all you, T.  You have all the power.' 

so that's what he did.  he did it, and i asked him a few times already to send me what he sent the lawyer, so it would be at least a little fair, but no response. he's IGNORING ME, getting his SPACE...poor T, needs his SPACE...

i told T that this is the wrong thing to do.  that he just ran away, left me abandoned.  my dad wants to sue him for abandonment.

honestly, i blame him a lot for the damage to my heart.  i know, i know...'you are responsible for how you handle things...'

but...all the sadness, depression, anxiety, crying...all that stress on my heart, i truly believe damaged it, made my heart work harder and damaged it....

then i went to the doctor the other day and she says there is still a murmur present, i was like, 'what the h#ll!'  i thought they did all that surgery to FIX it! 

but CARDIOLOGY was never my best subject, in fact it is my worst subject probably, so maybe the murmur doesn't go away immediately.

my heart area definately feels very bruised, has for about 2 weeks now. 

don't do this, but imagine punching yourself right over the heart, and symetrically on the right side of your chest too, that's what it's been feeling like the past 2 weeks...

and the incision hurts too. 

thankfully the pain meds (even though the surgeon refilled a lower dose) help a little, i've been trying hard to take less

but...when i lay down, and get in just the right position, the pain eventually eases.  and my appetite is a little better.

car rides still hurt, A LOT, and the pain still wakes me up EVERY NIGHT, but i can move around a little easier, and walking easier too.

still wish T had stuck with me,

him leaving me like that makes me feel like i'm not worth anything, and i'm only worth anything if i don't cause problems,

if i am healthy and sexy - at a moment's notice -

and bring in good money...

oh, and once he told me,

a good woman burns herself when she's making dinner for her MAN in the kitchen,

i scoffed it off at the time, but i guess he really meant it, the woman should suffer for the man, which is all good and fine with me, to a point,

as long as HE'S NICE TO HER!!!!!!  doesn't take much, just an occasional 'i love you, honey...'

i'm mad too because, well,

i'm happy my loans got forgiven, that's a blessing, but really, how was i going to pay it back? 

but i'm mad because,

well, T got a free ride off my loans, which i have to suffer in order for them to have been forgiven...

that's truly not fair. 

i'm only seeing this from my point of view, but still, not fair that he gets to run away,

scott free,
good job,
good pay,
good health,

and he leaves me bleeding in the dust,
sick,
torn,
hurt (inside and out),
no money,
no financial support,
happy to do whatever he wants...

heck, i don't even know if he has a conscience...

he's probably turned it around in his head that it's all my fault,

i tried to explain things, YET AGAIN, to him, in an email, but no response,

i'm just a dumb woman to him, i guess, anyway, that's how i feel he feels...

i think he really f*cked me up. 

yet i still love him and want him back.  probably i want his acceptance and approval.  probably not healthy, but if he would just be nice to me and accept me for who i am, things would have been fine.

but i'm only 33, what the h*ll do i know?  i seem to believe that the more days i live, the less i know...

that's from a sit com, 'Valerie'

it goes "the more you learn, the less you know..."

that's true.

so i don't know what to do with the rest of my life.  I want T back and for him to be nice to me and to love me.  I am mad at him for not giving the marriage another chance, I am mad that he didn't stick with our vows, i really thought he took them seriously.

i want to, when i am strong and healthy enough to maybe work again, part time at first...teach maybe...finish my teaching credential...but which one, the k-12, or the single subject science, or start with substitute teaching, or try to teach at a college?  then there's tutoring...i like that...

but still there's that 'put down' that keeps in my head that T always said...'those that can - WORK, those that can't - TEACH'

i know it's wrong, but it's been tatooed in my brain and so i don't feel good about myself teaching...

then there's research too, i love research, had a couple good interviews for research too.  i like it...

and then there's medical stuff.  i miss medicine.  i know it's a big reason T left me, but i think even if i had dumped medicine, he still may have found a way or a reason to leave me anyway...

all i know...it wasn't supposed to work out this way...i should be finishing up my medical family medicine internship, looking forward to a job practicing medicine, had a solid and happy marriage, been on a few out-of-country trips, one of course to Hawaii, with T, had a baby while i was working with internship and residency, HAPPY, MARRIED, had a husband, T, who loved me and respected me, and a baby who would grow up with my niece and they'd play with eachother every once in awhile....

so why did things turn out this way?  why did i faint in november and break my hip, why did my heart poop out on me and i had to have surgery, and T didn't even visit me or even TALK  to me? 

at least i don't have a mechanical valve...i still want to have a baby...i'm glad my parents and sister and brothers and family are doing ok, or at least relatively ok....

and today, this whole medical insurance thing, i'm going to need that 6 months of cobra, but then i got tricked with SSI and SSDI and no one really was in the mood to help me because of Easter weekend coming up and all that...

so i am not eligible for Medicare, which i had been led to believe for the past 2 years, that majorly sucks,

i can't get spousal support (like he'd give it to me anyway...) because it just takes from my SSI anyway, and i still have to pay rent,

but with all these hospital copays, procedure copays, DME copays, doctor visit copays, drug copays, there's never enough $$ to pay the whole rent,

so my chances of getting a studio to move out and stop paying on my rental chances are LOW LOW LOW, and i've been trying to make money with these internet schemes, such as this blog,

supposedly you are supposed to be able to make money with a blog, but hasn't worked for me....

tried selling things on ebay, but i'm having a problem with my digital camera and can't get the pics on the computer easily anymore, and no one wants to buy hand-made bracelets...

so what do i do? 

i don't know...

i can't get any traffic to this blog.  i thought it would be interesting....i still have my chest tube story to tell...i already told the one where they put it in...horrible...but i have yet to tell of the friday when they took it out...

filled out the survey they sent me of my hospital stay...it was not a good evaluation...main complaint was the bed.  i should have insisted on an egg crate or had my dad buy me a sleeping bag or 2 so i would have been at least a little more comfortable...

and the room smelled like dust, and there wasn't much variety of the food,

and i always felt like i was 'bad' when i asked for pain medicine.  but i would ask them and feel guilty, like they felt less of me for wanting pain medicine, i hated that, i was in pain a lot more than i should have because they made me feel ashamed to ask for pain medicine. 

anyway, i don't know what to do...

i've written enough, still tired but can't sleep.  have to finish my medical transcription thing. 

i'm jealous of all my medical school classmates who got to finish their dream, they are all practicing now, most were successful with their families and marriages and the girls got to have their babies.  everything went to pot for me...

why couldn't T just be there for me...why couldn't he do it?  he's smart, he knew what was happening...i tried, did he know i was really trying? 

i always thought it was ironic that a communication major, a masters in communication would let his marriage go.  maybe he just didn't love me enough. 

i tried to be the wife he wanted, maybe he wanted someone meaner...but i don't like to be mean like that...maybe he wanted someone taller...

see, he never said goodbye to me so i could get those answers straight from him, just not fair. 

why does god do this to people?  it's just not fair...

just don't know what to do...

i'll probably write my 2nd chest tube story next...i miss T...i get cold at night, all the sad feelings come back at night...i don't know what to do, and he's decided to 'ignore' my emails....

goodnight...

JOANNAJEAN

Ch10-facebook

Ch10-Facebook & Visiting Family...

I learned a little about the internet 'SOCIAL NETWORKING' today when I visited my family, which actually cheered me up.

I got to see A and my brother and R my neice (I didn't ask permission to use names, so I just use initials for now...) don't want to get anyone mad...

I found out how to get on FACEBOOK and they said to 'post this link on your website,' so I'll try it...wait, it has my married name on it, which I don't have 'permission' to use either, so oh well...

I was in a funk, really really sad all day because 1) 10 days to my surgery, and 2) what T (my husband), said to me in an email yesterday. I don't want to remember it or repeat it, it will just make me feel bad again...

It cheered me up to see my neice. I think she's grown since last I saw her during the holidays in December.

Anyway, I guess I will keep this short.

I guess I will have my ups and downs by the time my surgery comes closer.

Most I am afraid of is the PAIN.

And I am mad, right now, at T, because I don't think he wants a divorce because he stopped loving me, he just gave up because things got too hard and complicated, which is sort of a PARADOX,

because one MAJOR reason I decided he was (would be) a good husband is because of how he was (is) so loyal to his family, no MATTER what happened (happens).

I NEVER THOUGHT HE'D GIVE UP ON ME OR OUR MARRIAGE.

IT'S JUST NOT FAIR.

I don't know, now I'm just BABBLING, so I'll try to stop...

Thanks,

JOANNAJEAN

CH8:Valentine's Day For the Broken Hearted...

Ch8; the broken hearted...

I was a 'good girl,' and sent out some Valentines to let others know they are loved and are being thought of...(i bit my lip)

But after the 8th, "She'll love you even more..." diamond ring commercial, ok, I just lost it!!! I needed to KICK SOMETHING!

and now the weekend, all the couples are going to be out there in force, RUBBING IT IN our faces, to the people who have failed in LOVE.

my wedding was, perfect, at least to me and T. the whole time I said 'I'm so happy!'
Now we are apart. He says he's happy. BUT, I don't think he is. I've begged him for one last hug, one last kiss, one last goodbye, and he REFUSES.

And now I find out that the agreement we had - that we would mutually sign one settlement agreement - and then send it to the judge. NOW, he tells me the rules changed,

It makes me sad. I wanted to be with him forever. I cannot get over the pain, i'm scared of having to go thru the surgery where HE BROKE MY HEART. it's not fair T, what about me?

It's not fair how u left me. Just left me an email saying you'll be gone until thursday and i was to be 'out' by then. I called you on the way to the airport and you said, we have to get a divorce...I started screaming hysterically,

i tried to reach you but was lost and sobbing, i had missed you,

T, haven't you realized that i'm miserable? you can CHANGE YOUR MIND, and let us be together again, it's ok to change your mind!

don't divorce me. please think about it. i want to be with you, want to hear you breathe as you fall asleep...

JOANNAJEAN

CHAPTER 2; THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...

CHAPTER 2; THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...

This will be a short chapter, as I am tired and hungry...

I got the FINAL PAPERS from my husband to finalize the divorce today...

I am having difficulty deciding whether or not to just sign it and get it over with, or wait,

remember, I have my ANGIOGRAM this Friday, and my OPEN HEART SURGRY coming up towards the end of the month.

I don't know if I should trust him?

I don't know if signing the papers will make me feel better or worse? So I've put it off another day. Just thinking about it makes me depressed, however, i've mentioned before, I always get sad and lonely at night...

That is a quick entry for tonight...

JOANNAJEAN

PS. I am going to have to read some more blogs, because so far, no one has read mine. I will have to see how people get others to read their blogs...Any suggestions...

http://www.MortFertel.com/cmd.asp?af=770637

the above link is for 'Marriage Fitness.' There is free information on the website, as well as ways to 'save' your marriage. I looked into it a little too late, but his book is really good too. Thanks!

JOANNAJEAN

Goodnight!

THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN; CHAPTER 1

Hello Bloggers and fellow readers...

CHAPTER 1:

I have a very detailed SUMMARY INTRODUCTION to my blog. I think you will find it very interesting, and I hope that not only will you read it and use my entries to add to your own life, but i also hope that you will use YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCES to add to my life experiences and life philosophies...

FIRST, let me just briefly explain what my title means...

THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...

Well, basically, my blog is a JOURNAL OR PERSONAL DIARY of things that have happened to me, things that DO happen to me on a daily basis, QUESTIONS i have about life, and PHILOSOPHIES of life i have recieved by observation and other important people in my life...

I first wanted to title my BLOG, "IT SUCKS TO BE ME..." but i figured that would be too negative...so i thought my 2nd choice;

THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...

would spark a little more interest in what my blog is all about. So I look forward to writing my blog, and i'll write in a short list a few things i will write about, i guess i'll partition my 'journal' or 'BLOG ENTRIES' into CHAPTERS;

This is CHAPTER 1; INTRODUCTION TO 'THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..." summary and introduction.

Basically, so you know a little about me,

I am going through a DIVORCE;
I am 33 YEARS OLD
I am NOT HANDLING THE DIVORCE WELL AT ALL...
It has been 2 YEARS since the DIVORCE PROCESS has all started...

but, of course, that's not all there is about me...

ADDITIONALLY;

I have really bad HEALTH PROBLEMS;
including; CROHN'S, OSTEOPOROSIS, MAJOR DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, MIGRAINES, and of course, several more, of which i didn't list at this time... all of these health problems have caused me several, several other problems, and major complications including (from most recent on...)

CARDIAC PROBLEMS, including AORTIC VALVE INSUFFICIENCY (SEVERE), AORTIC ANEURYSM (SEVERE), BROKEN HIP (HIP REPLACEMENT SURGERY just a few months ago in November, 2009), CATARACTS, KYPHOPLASTY surgery (for the broken vertebrae), ADRENAL INSUFFICIENCY, and...

I have OPEN HEART SURGERY coming up, which is my most current major concern, and i'm really scared because the surgeon said there is a 10% chance of not even surviving the operation! Boy, that threw my Mom and I for a loop...I guess that'll be a separate 'CHAPTER' in my blog...

Anyway...to get back to my summary...I have to take so many MEDICATIONS, that it really is hard to keep track of taking them every day, and of course they all cause side effects...

LASTLY, in summary, I was 99.9% done with MEDICAL SCHOOL and was all set up to start an internship in FAMILY MEDICINE. I had this DREAM since I was 15 years old, and i actually had jumped through all the hoops and got the grades at UCLA for undergrad, and everything seemed to work out until the cursed COMLEX 2CE.

It should have been easy enough...with over a 90% nationwide pass rate, but i took that darn test 7 times and didn't pass.

I guess I could have named my blog, 'SHATTERED DREAMS' but it seems sort of cliche, so i went with something that i thought would 'stand out' more...

So you can kind of see a pattern...FAILURE of COMLEX, FAILURE of marriage, we had to have a BANKRUPTCY (which made the marriage even more shaky), and then there was a downfall for me from there on, a 'slippery slope' you could say...

things kept getting worse HEALTHWISE, EMPLOYMENT-WISE, MARRIAGE-WISE, SELF-ESTEEM-WISE,

my DEPRESSION worsened, my HUSBAND left me,

and his life seemed to get BETTER AND BETTER in all ways possible since he left me, which made me feel worse...

But that's just what has happened in the past couple years. I have a lot of chapters other than that...

And I chose not to title my blog "IT SUCKS TO BE ME..." because i didn't want people to think i was just a boring pessimist, i have a lot of optimism in me as well...but those are other chapters...

So I guess that will wrap up

CHAPTER 1 of "THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..."

signed;
JOANNAJEAN

P.S. I guess it wouldn't be fair if i didn't explain the reasoning behind naming my blog

"THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..."

Well...the day my husband's PROZAC kicked in, he realized how depressed he really was, which he blamed on me, and this whole 'slippery slope' thing really began, although, at that time i was in MAJOR DENIAL (well, i believe i STILL AM in a lot of DENIAL...)

and, unfortunately, I believe it was basically the day he decided to leave me, which is why this title is so important to me...

this day was well over 2 years ago.

I'm still in love with him, and have a secret hope (well...I guess NOT so secret) that he still loves me, but he resents me for him getting depressed to the point where he had to go on Prozac in the first place...

I think that explains my reasoning for naming my blog. I have a lot to learn, so bear with me, but i hope my stories will be interesting to you.

And to hold you over to CHAPTER 2, which I haven't named yet,

I'll tell you, that I really did enjoy MEDICAL SCHOOL, and if there is one very important lesson i learned in medical school is that

EVERYONE'S LIFE IS DIFFICULT FOR THEM;

and i'm sure that you will agree with me...

that includes EVERYONE i've encountered...surgeons, surgeon's daughters, medical students, medical students' spouses (duh!), and of course PATIENTS, and other health-care providers, and PARENTS, and KIDS, and TEACHERS, and PROFESSORS, and just plain EVERYONE.

Lastly, EVERYONE HAS A STORY TO TELL, and i hope people will contribute to my blog by sharing snippets of their lives, so that others can read them and learn from them...

Thanks for reading, I hope this turns out to be a helpful and successful BLOG for everyone that reads and contributes...

Take care,

JOANNAJEAN