ch13;friday

ch13;friday
the day his prozac kicked in...

i saw the doctor on monday, i've been upset ever since.  THAT is why i haven't written...

i had trouble on wednesday getting my pain medication.  i must be blacklisted...

do u know how it feels to be accussed of 'drug seeking' when it's obvious u have chronic, back wrenching pain, ALL THE TIME...

it makes me feel like people don't care about me.

my parents and sister have been very nice to me.

my 'mother-in-law' was nice enough to drop off my DVDs and my diamond ring which i have been asking for for 2 years...

but T hasn't answered me back...i feel like no one cares about me, it would mean so much to me if i knew he cared, if he called, if he came over to say goodbye, or even just to visit...

am i even worth this huge surgery that i have to do?

it's going to hurt, and i will have no husband to hold my hand, to comfort me,

i don't know if most people understand, but it's a big difference when your husband is there for you, it's a different bond than a family bond...

and i'm going to hurt and be scared, and my parents can't help much because they don't want me to love T anymore,

but i can't help it, u feel what u feel.

sorry i have not written since monday or whatever.

it was nice to see my neice, but it wore me out. 

and now i want to have a baby too because she is so sweet, and i am sad i cannot see her again for a long time. 

i try to sleep so i am not sad. 

i am not brave enough right now to 'face it' and be brave.  it's going to hurt and i know it, and it's going to hurt for a long, long while.

i got back my diamond ring (finally) today, but when i looked at it, there was no love there, it was dull, kinda 'spitting me in the face',

saying 'ha ha, your husband doesn't love u anymore...'  ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, you are not worth anything anymore, ha ha ha ha, it was all a big joke...that's how i feel...

it doesn't even fit on me anymore because i lost so much weight, and i found out that the blood test from monday said i am anemic. 

great, going into heart surgery, when i'm anemic, is not a good sign...

going into heart surgery when i'm only 100 pounds is not a good sign...

going into heart surgery when i am sad because my husband doesn't care and won't even see me or call me or email me to say, 'i care, and good luck...'

that's the worst for me because i believe in 'mind over matter' and that attitude and how u feel when you go into surgery makes a big difference. 

knowing that T doesn't care makes a HUGE difference...it makes me more scared...

...the cats are giving me very, very strange stares, like they know i will be leaving...

i am afraid my guardian angels are not watching over me here on earth anymore, i am afraid they are waiting for me in heaven.

i can't sleep at night...

i'm afraid of the pain the surgery will be...why did god, or whoever is in charge, do this to me...

and if i am in pain, and they can't control it, they will just let me suffer...maybe they don't care either...

i liked when T cared about me...it gave me strength and motivation to get better...my family is being nice to me, but only because, i think, they have to be nice to me...

i don't have a good feeling about this. 

i am scared and i am going to be alone.  i need T to hold my hand...he doesn't have to be there all the time, just a little bit to hold my hand, he doesn't even have to say anything...

this hospital is the farthest one from my home, my parents will only be only be able to visit me for a little bit, maybe even not every day! 

it will be too hard on them.  it will be too hard on them to help me when i get home. 

i know they don't want to have to help me, it's too hard, on everyone,

i don't have the confidence, strength, courage, and not going to be able to be brave.

i get so tired lately... 

i have to have the surgery.  i don't know how well i will recover. 

T helped me so much,

how can he sleep at night knowing how hard this is for me... 

...how hard he is making it for my parents. 

i've asked almost everyone i know to ask him to help, to do at least SOMETHING, no luck. 

i am sad and scared, and cannot sleep, and i get sooooo tired and my heart pounds and pounds and pounds. 

i wanted to have a baby the same time my niece was born.  it's just not fair.

i don't know how to get through the weekend.  i want to be brave, but i have a feeling i will just get more scared as Monday comes closer.

why am i being punished?  it's not fair...

JOANNAJEAN

CH9:CARDIOLOGIST

CH9; CARDIOLOGIST VISIT
The Day His Prozac Kicked In...

I saw the CARDIOLOGIST yesterday to get all the particulars about my OPEN HEART SURGERY on March 1st, which is coming up SOON...

He's a nice man, my info in a nutshell, some were SHOCKING SURPRISES, a.k.a., things I didn't learn in MEDICAL SCHOOL...

*4 Hour long surgery (I thought it was 2 hours...)

*My WHOLE BODY will basically be SHUT DOWN, meaning...

*My heart will be 'PUT TO REST' as he described (does that mean I'll be
technically DEAD?)

*and CHILLED....

*I will be put on a HEART-LUNG MACHINE, BUT...
*I will still have damaging effects on my whole body...

*He said about 1 week in the hospital, but I have a feeling it will be
more...

*The most shocking thing he told me was that for about a month POST-
OP, because of my LIVER being affected, I won't be able to eat much
because things won't taste good...THAT SUCKS!

*I will have PAIN in my BACK because of them cranking open my
STERNUM, which puts pressure on the spinal nerves, which sucks
because, now, NO MATTER, which way I lay, I will hurt...

*I will need AT LEAST 2 units of blood (which I will ask from my DAD)

*because of the opening of my STERNUM, I will have 'temporary'
(I hope), tingling and numbness of my arms...which REALLY
SUCKS...

*I need a MECHANICAL VALVE, which means I have to be on BLOOD
THINNERS the rest of my life, which REALLY SUCKS TOO, but...

*he said I could still have a baby by switching to another BLOOD
THINNER, which I THINK is GOOD NEWS, it just kinda scares me
to be on blood thinners because I already bruise VERY easily

*I have to give him credit, he actually spent like 30 or 45 minutes
talking to me, which was really nice...

It's always STRESSFUL for me to go to the doctor because it reminds me of all of the things WRONG with me. It helps lately that my Mom or Dad goes with me,

but I still don't get the world and why God (or whoever is in charge) gave me all these problems...It just isn't FAIR!

I'm still REALLY bruised up from the ANGIOGRAM, but the Cardiologist checked and said it's normal.

I still have my BLADDER infection, and he kindly sent a new prescription to the PHARMACY for more CIPRO.

He said the worst complication there could be after the surgery is INFECTION, which I pretty much already knew...

but I was worried about INTERNAL BLEEDING, which he said you can't really feel, so that STILL worries me...

Anyway, so about 10 more days until the surgery.

I got a letter when I got home (regular SNAIL MAIL, LOL)...telling me all my PRE-OP and PRE-ADMISSION appointments, so that answered a lot of my questions too. You know, CHEST X-RAYS, BLOOD TESTS, HISTORY & PHYSICAL, all that...

So, I'm pretty down...

because it's going to be an AWFUL recovery, and a LOT OF PAIN. And since I've been on pain medications for a long time, I'm 'TOLERANT,' so they have to increase the dosage, and sometimes the nurses freak out, or the people at the PHARMACY freak out, giving out pain meds, I guess they don't understand, and think I just am an addict.

I hate when I get that look, they don't understand and it makes me feel like I'm a horrible person...

I emailed these details to T, but no answer as of yet...which makes me sad, because I know he won't talk to me or see me before my surgery. I think it would really make a difference if he gave me some words of confidence, so that makes me sad that he's ignoring me...

Anyway, I also have to have a CHEST TUBE to make sure my lungs re-inflate after the surgery, and I saw a chest tube put in when I was in MEDICAL SCHOOL, so I know it will HURT HURT HURT.

I will also be on a VENTILATOR, which I've been on before, and that's like just pure TORTURE.

...but I don't have a choice...it has to be done...

So, I'm not very happy, and I'm scared of all the pain, and I'm terrified of any COMPLICATIONS that may occur.

Also, I know my Mom and Dad will help, but knowing I won't have the comfort and support of the husband who (I thought) loved me so much, doesn't make me very confident about my emotional state.

Anyway, I just hope I'll be able to breathe ok after the surgery, and I'm sad about it.

I guess it's good that there's a way to FIX IT, but honestly, that doesn't really provide me with any comfort.

I guess that's it for now. I just have to keep my wits. Have a lot of phone calls to make tomorrow, you know--INSURANCE, stuff like that...

I'm just low on COURAGE right now, and having DEPRESSION doesn't help much, and of course I'm SCARED.

Everyone can say all the support and advice to me they want, which I truly appreciate, but I'M THE ONE who has to go through all the PAIN and FEAR...

I don't know how people handle this...LIFE is SCARY.

Maybe I'll get a little encouragement from T, I shouldn't wish for that, because he wants NOTHING to do with me anymore and I should just let him be...but, I'm SCARED...

Until next time...

JOANNAJEAN