Ch33October

The Day His Prozac Kicked In

Ch33
October

It's been awhile since I last wrote.  I guess that's because not that much has changed.

The divorce has gone legally final, but that holds no relief for me.

I've thought of 'letting go' with a little ceremony and a little prayer to myself, I never did it.

I still wake up sobbing and crying, saying 'I miss you!' 
or 'Tommy, you shouldn't have left me!'

Last time, I just cried in my sleep, 

I couldn't wake up from my dream.

I miss being loved.

I miss hearing you breathe.

I still wonder what it was that happened that one night when he came home at 4 a.m., looked me in the eye and said 'you and me, we aren't going to work out,'

I can kind of guess what happened,

but I never thought he'd abandon me
If u read my other posts, 

you know how terrified I was alone in the hospital

How I came home 2 weeks early because I couldn't be there anymore

but still at night I'm so sad

it's at night when I'm alone

and I don't have dreams about the birds getting loose from their cages, not so much that dream anymore

now it's his face, us on a ship, the two of us going somewhere
like the desert or the ocean, something like that

and we are lost together, wandering, searching,

and he's still not happy with me
but he's doing his 'searching' through the huge aisles of the supermarket or walmart or whatever

and i'm still trying desperately to keep up with him
but we are together 

for some reason it's that dream where i wake up

we are in a paradise, yet i still feel abandoned
and only want him to love me as our vows were written

i don't like being alone

it's scary

and i want to experience life with him again

not all alone

just still at night i am sad
and the past few days, sad and solemnly quiet,

i am happy to be seeing my niece tomorrow,

so sweet and happy and little

the whole world is exciting and fun!

yes, it is
until you've had it, shared it, and then he abandons you

i wish he hadn't left me

this wasn't the plan

we were supposed to have a baby too

and i was supposed to be a doctor

and everything was supposed to be happy

but something happened that night and he snapped

he didn't want me to be so dependent on him
he changed his mind
and left me

i feel like everything just stopped in May 2006

i remember that day, when we were moving

i couldn't stop throwing up

i think i threw up every day for like 8 or 9 months

that whole period

and that last night, I remember it was Feb 2nd, I had voted
I asked him about what the primaries were and he answered
even though he answered from far away
then he turned to go to sleep

and there was a moment and i knew

and my heart leaped and i gasped and grabbed my chest

i said to him

you're going to leave me, aren't you?

he just said,
'mmmm' like i was annoying him
'go to bed,' and he covered his head with the sheet

he knew it a lot sooner than i did

i thought he'd stick with me

someone who cared for him

unlike the evil i'd seen his family put upon him

I really loved him and appreciated his goodness

and his humor and his ease with other people

but he left me

the one who loved him most

the one who never really got a chance to appreciate him as much as i wanted

because school was always in the way

i sometimes say he loved me too much

he even said that to me once, in a song he heard, 

he said the lyrics were what he was feeling

and i understood

but i thought he was strong enough to handle it

and to not make me feel horrible for having a broken body

my poor body, i pushed and pushed it and it broke

and he knows it

and i know it

but that doesn't mean he chose the right solution!

NO!  IT WAS WRONG!


and he made it worse

it would have just taken a few words

a few sentences and a hug of understanding

like

'everything's going to be ok,' and

'i'll always love you, Joanna,'

yes

that would have simply cured everything

simple as that!

to know he understood and I was trying my hardest
and just wanted him to love me and accept me for what i could do

then i could love and accept myself for what i could do
and everything would be just fine

that's all it would have took

instead he made it worse and made me sicker
telling me i was pretending, ignoring my pain and leaving when i was crying my eyes out, pleading with my whole SOUL for his comfort!
but - he would just leave!

and all i needed was a simple hug

and i would have felt totally better

why couldn't he do that?

why did he have to poison instead of heal?

why did he hurt and push me away 
instead of help me and accept me?

it would have stopped the grief

i don't want to love anyone but him

i chose to be with him for 'the long haul'
that was a long time ago, when i still had my mazda, and we were looking at the stars thru the sunroof
and i was cool with it, and went with it, I made a commitment then

I didn't have any doubts

i didn't know he had doubts

he made a mistake

and i still have hope he'll change his mind
because i think it would still only take those few words 

and a real hug to make it all ok again

but he won't do it

so i suffer every night

and in my dreams while I sleep...
 

and all i wanted is what he gave me,

but then decided to take away from me-

his love for me

and his promises of love to me 

that we could share our lives together as one

we were on the same wavelength

we could talk without speaking

it was really cool

depeche mode has a song about it

and it's true

it's like speaking ruins the clarity

and i think it's still there - that connection between us

but i don't get a hug or a kiss goodbye

i don't get to hear his voice or know if he's ok

i just am alone at night

he gave up

he didn't believe that the connection was that strong!

he was the weak one when I always thought it was ME!

now I sob every night in my dreams 
because you gave up, Tom!  

Every night I suffer and cry

because you gave up, Tom!

you shouldn't have left me, Tom

it isn't right!

you shouldn't have left me!

i needed u in that hospital, i was alone and scared

i knew u wouldn't come to hold my hand

i was alone and helpless, 

and I knew no one would come to help me

all i needed was for u to hold my hand

give me some strength and courage

and you knew it!

you KNEW that is all I needed

but u left me alone and scared anyway! 

it hurts 

and that's why i still sob at night in my sleep

every night

just make things right, Tom

make things right so we can live our lives together again

like it was supposed to be

i love you

i miss you

i wasn't horrible

thinks could be ok

i just needed to hear it from you

and you needed to hear it from me...

"IT'S GOING TO BE OK"

i still need you, Tom

and i can't let u go

and i will never be able to

i love you

i may live,

who knows, maybe the rest of my life without you

but it won't be the same

i'll know it's not the way it's supposed to be

we are supposed to be together

it's just not right

i think u know it too

i wish i could see u again, 

hold your hand

hug you

feel your love and your strength

that's the way it's supposed to be

i love you Tom

don't do this

I'm tired of being alone

I'm tired of crying for you every night

i need you

i miss you

i love you

it's too lonely without you

please realize this and come back to me, Tom!

it's just not fair!

I love you

I miss you!

I can't let you go

and i won't

Please, don't make me live the rest of my life without you!

what bitter torment!


JOANNA JEAN






 

ch12;scared?

Ch12;scared?

there's a song, i'm pretty sure by faster pussycat called scared...i remember requesting it on KNAC or Pirate Radio when I was like 12 alone in Memorial Hospital...THEY PLAYED IT...

I hate going to see the doctor...all she said today, with wide eyes was...

'go over "Five Wishes" with your Mom, 'go over the 'quality of life that is important with you with your mom'...'make sure you make lots of copies of that "Five Wishes" and send one to us...'

she said...

"you are resistant to a lot of pain medicines....be aware that it's going to hurt, and they probably won't be able to control it..."

she said...

"this is a BIG, MAJOR surgery..."

i asked her..."did they magnify that chest x-ray?  my heart looks HUGE?"

she said..."yeah, THE HEART IS enlarged..."

she said she talked to the cardiologist...he said..."yeah, now's her window to have the surgery..."  looking at the computer, typing something in...she says to me...

"so you do know if you don't have the surgery now...you'll go into heart failure...yeah...that can be fatal..."

i'm not mad at her...she's doing her job...a job I WANTED TO DO TOO!  i'm glad i was by myself...i'm glad mom or dad wasn't there, i didn't have to be brave, i didn't have to sit up straight and pretend i wasn't nervous or hurting, i could look weak, i didn't have to look anyone in the eye, i could hunch over because i hurt, i didn't have to pretend...

oh, and she said...

"be sure you discuss with your mom if there are any complications how much 'quality of life' means to you..."

I said..."well, I don't want to be starved..."

I said..."but I don't want to be kept in a coma for more than a couple weeks..."

"but i think I have to think about the other things...'quality of life..."

don't want to be like chris reeves, he was miserable, i read his book...

don't want to be like the vegas lion tamer guy...he was in too much pain...don't want to hurt and be tortured by hurt or hunger, or wither away like the lady who crumbled away (remember, she was the big issue before the POPE died...)

I asked..."how does a heart-lung machine work..."

she said "i'm not sure, ask the surgeon..."

I said..."the surgeon doesn't need to see me...and I'm out of pain patches...."

well, she said "I don't want anyone to think u r doctor shopping..."

I started to sob..."i hate when people think that of me...it makes me feel horrible..."

i mean u can see the kyphoplasty on my side-ways x-ray...

my dad gave blood, THANK YOU DAD...but why was he SO MAD???  he seemed so mad about it...it made me sad...

the whole time I thought of T...but kept it mostly to myself...all our memories...he may have been BORED by all the little things...but i remember the little details, cherish the little memories, the times i made him smile, the quick trips to Wendys when we lived in POMONA...

i wanted to talk about him all day...all the little things i remember...but i know i won't see him...

he doesn't care...he doesn't care...he doesn't care...

forget about him...'everyone says that to me' forget about him...but they

DON'T HAVE A FLOWER CALLED 'FORGET ABOUT HIM'...

THEY HAVE A FLOWER CALLED

FORGET ME NOT...

but no one wants to hear about it....

i didn't sleep a wink last night....my heart pounds...i think maybe i'm so scared, i don't want to feel it...

she shouldn't have said 'it's going to hurt so much that they won't be able to control it...'

i've been saying the past 5 days thats MY WORST FEAR...

one week...i won't be here to pet the kitties...Tiny purrs when i say his name...

Daisy makes a 'currrdddly' sound when she comes aaround for attention....

Lucky sleeps in a little basket that's too small for him...

Mirage hears voices...

Lucy is mean for the fun of it, then waddles away like in that Disney move, i think the aristocrats, never saw it...

Missy works all day to keep her winter coat perfect and fluffy, she gorgeous...

afraid to go to sleep, don't know if i'll be scared tomorrow, everyone's being nice to me,

except the one person who i want to care about me, but i can't say it to anyone, they'll just think i'm dumb...but it was my / our wedding, i was happy, why did he just leave....

he chose his life over mine....

i just want to know he cares...i'm mad i can't talk about it, i'm mad i can't say to anyone how much it hurts, i'm mad about what he said in that email...i thought he loved me a lot...it sucks....

next week, i'll be alone, hurting, tired, cut up, i DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN, complications?  maybe....

why couldn't he just give me a hug goodbye...it's just not fair...not fair, not fair, not fair...

i'm the one who has to hurt....not fair..

i worked so hard to eat, be a good girl, gain weight...not fair, only gained 2 pounds...

i thought he loved me, i thought he cared about me...i don't feel stupid that i love him

...i want to crawl in his head and know how he can sleep at night....he knows how i feel....

IT'S NOT FAIR...IT'S GONNA HURT...I'M GONNA BE ALONE...i don't wanna be brave...

what else can i say....i just want a hug goodbye and a 'you didn't ruin my life...'

NOT FAIR!!!!!!

take care...

JOANNAJEAN....