CH35 Year Update : Sadness

The Day His Prozac Kicked In

March, 2011

Well, March 1st was the year anniversary of my open heart surgery.

It is Sunday night and I was really and optimistic last week.

But today, I'm just as sad and gloomy as I was 5 YEARS ago.

I got a REALLY mean and insensitive EMAIL correspondence from Tom's sister.  I am not sure truly who it was from, but it's probably a HUGE part of the reason I am so sad and depressed right now.

I had started the new anti-depressive drug, Remiron, a week or so ago, and was really happy that I thought it was working.  I was starting to feel a little uplifted and motivated again.

But again, a day or so ago, all my feelings of sadness and defeatedness came crashing back.

I am so mad that Anna and Tom, and the family can still have such an effect on me.  I feel so beaten that their insincerity can still hurt me so much.

ALL I EVER ASKED FOR FROM TOM, WHAT I'VE BEEN ASKING FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS, IS FOR HIM TO GET SOME BALLS, COME TO ME IN PERSON, SAY HE IS SORRY FOR HURTING ME, LET ME SAY GOODBYE TO HIM, AND LET ME GIVE HIM ONE LAST HUG. 

But he WOULDN'T do that for me. 

I needed my last payment for medical insurance.  It was already money that Tom had agreed to give me, it had already been settled, but they had to play their little 'POWER' game and say 'YOU ONLY GET YOUR 'LIFE' MONEY IF U GIVE BACK HIS CAR KEY.'

I have emails saying that it was not a big deal, that I had it and he could have it back any time, in any way he wanted it.  I needed the $ within 48 hours, and instead of Tom simply driving up from Irvine, getting his key, and then giving me a check, the simplest implementation of this transaction they were insisting on.....no.....

IT HAD TO BE THEIR WAY;  I HAD TO SEND THE KEY TO ANNA IN N.C. AND THEN, AND ONLY THEN, WOULD SHE ALLOW A CHECK TO BE SENT TO ME FROM N.C. TO LONG BEACH.  WHATEVER SENSE THAT MAKES...to me, only seems like a cruel manifestation of the 'POWER' and cruelty they (think) they have over me.

Well, YES, THEY CERTAINLY HAVE THE POWER TO HURT ME TO THE POINT OF SEVERE AND EXCRUCIATING DEPRESSION AND PAIN.  And to be truthful, I think it gives them a sick, perverse sense of control, power, and satisfaction --

'ha ha - Joanna, u are so dumb, u deserve to suffer and be DEAD.'  I wish u were DEAD, but since I haven't killed u yet, well, I can torture you and hurt you a lot anyway, that's good enough for me....'

Well, if they had ever wanted to hurt a person like that.  They have succeeded. 

Tom, I only wanted to be married, and to love you, and to live a happy life together, or at least try, and have the vows of marriage together, to live old together, to have kids together, to have a life together... 

Why did u have to hurt me so bad? 

How come u will not resolve and help ease my depression by doing the single thing I've been begging for for so many years, just give me some closure.

To everyone out there...DON'T EVER GET DIVORCED.  It hurts too much. 

Tom, if u wanted to hurt me, you've succeeded.  I'm still in so much pain, I'm still crying your name at night.  If that's what u wanted, YOU WIN. 

I had been thinking of it, and I don't think I can get married again, not now. 

I'm too hurt, I loved you too much, I trusted you too much. 

I'm too scared of the world now. 

I can only get thru day by day. 

I don't know how my health will be 24 hours from now, so it is hard to schedule things. 

I am very sad. 

I hope I will feel better in the morning. 

I know my night tonight will be fitful and I will have sorrowful dreams about Tom. 

What makes me really really sad though is this:
I know, deep inside, there is good in him. 
That is the good that I loved. 
That is the good that I married. 

He hurt me so much, that I didn't pursue the full penalty towards him - that he legally owed me finanacially by law - because I would have too much on MY conscious to hurt him that way. 


I guess you could say that I have left that kind of punishment to a higher power, whatever that may be.  I couldn't handle putting that kind of pain on another person, even though people like him, his family, his sister, and people all over the world, have NO PROBLEM hurting other people in that way. 

I BELIEVE THERE R PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHO DO NOT HAVE A CONSCIOUS.

I BELIEVE THERE IS MORE HATE IN THIS WORLD THAN LOVE.

And that is what keeps me up at night, makes me cry out and sob, why, Tom, why?  I thought you were better than that, stronger than that! 

Tom, why did u hurt me SO BAD?
WHY DID U HURT ME, KNOWING HOW SENSITIVE I AM, AND HOW DEEPLY IT WOULD HURT ME? 
YOU LEFT A SCAR IN ME THAT GOES BEYOND LIFE AND DEATH, A PAINFUL SCAR THAT GOES BEYOND THE HUMAN BODY, THE HUMAN LIFE, THIS PLANE OF EXISTANCE, THE HEAVEN AND THE EARTH. 
THIS PAIN IS ETERNAL AND CAN BE SEEN IN THE EYES OF EVERY BEING, THAT EVER LIVED, THAT ALSO LIVED THRU THIS PAIN.

THIS PAIN IS ETERNAL.

I Know there are people who do and who have felt this type of pain. 

I have tried and continue to try to NOT cause or fan the flame of this pain, in any way, toward any creature, in any way.  I want to heal, to ease pain, and try to turn the tide of life more towards LOVE and away from HATE.  I know others try to do this too, I do not see it as a weakness.  I wish I had more courage to fight this EVIL and HATE.  But for now, the best i can do is just make it to the next day, and hope it will be better.

But I am not strong enough.  I said last year when I had to have my heart fixed, I told everyone that I did not have the STRENGTH OR COURAGE anymore to be the strong and kind person I was when I was young. 

I've been hurt too much and too deeply to try the world again.  That is why I hide, that is why I am scared.

I want to be happy again, but it doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon.  I face this month, not knowing if I will be able to afford my medical insurance.  I am even at the point now, that I plan a couple days ahead of time, to make sure I have the means to have enough food to get thru the day.

I am scared of the world.

I really hope tomorrow will be a little better, because I am very sad right now.

Best of luck to all of u struggling with similar problems. 

I love you and hope you are stronger than me.

Love,
JoannaJean

Ch17; UPDATE ON DIVORCE and my RECUPERATION

Chapter 17; update on divorce and my recuperation...
April 2, 2010

Last night I couldn't sleep.

T emailed me to say he finally turned in the complete divorce papers.

I was numb for awhile, then i couldn't sleep, even with a sleeping pill, so you can guess how I was feeling...

I just keep thinking, 'IT'S NOT FAIR...'

I never got a 2nd chance to do things right...

He keeps saying 'I don't want to go back.  i could go back if I want, but I don't want to go back.  i'm moving on...'

I keep saying, 'It wouldn't be 'going back'...

it would be 'moving forward,'

like one of the divorce books i got a long time ago...'ditch the old marriage, start a new one, a successful one...'

nope, didn't work...typical man....stubborn

i kept telling him, 'It's ok to change your mind...'

nope, that didn't work either...

It hurt my heart too,

and i know it was my heart hurting because in the hospital when the surgeon was pulling out the pacemaker leads (they put them in during surgery in case for some reason my heart stopped, i guess they put pacemaker leads in the heart so it can get started again easily...thankfully they didn't have to use them...but boy did they sting and hurt when he pulled them out...)

well, one of the pacemaker leads didn't come out smoothly, the surgeon had to tug and tug, and i freaked and tensed and he kept telling me to relax, but i could tell and feel that it was the heart muscle it was stuck on...

this was the same feeling that I felt in my heart when T sent me the email that he finally sent the papers. 

i am mad at him, of course, and think his lawyer is bogus because all this time the lawyer said, 'oh yeah, let her sign, then you sign...'

i guess it was a con the whole time, because then the lawyer says, 'nah, she didn't fill out a response, (or whatever it's called), so it's all you, T.  You have all the power.' 

so that's what he did.  he did it, and i asked him a few times already to send me what he sent the lawyer, so it would be at least a little fair, but no response. he's IGNORING ME, getting his SPACE...poor T, needs his SPACE...

i told T that this is the wrong thing to do.  that he just ran away, left me abandoned.  my dad wants to sue him for abandonment.

honestly, i blame him a lot for the damage to my heart.  i know, i know...'you are responsible for how you handle things...'

but...all the sadness, depression, anxiety, crying...all that stress on my heart, i truly believe damaged it, made my heart work harder and damaged it....

then i went to the doctor the other day and she says there is still a murmur present, i was like, 'what the h#ll!'  i thought they did all that surgery to FIX it! 

but CARDIOLOGY was never my best subject, in fact it is my worst subject probably, so maybe the murmur doesn't go away immediately.

my heart area definately feels very bruised, has for about 2 weeks now. 

don't do this, but imagine punching yourself right over the heart, and symetrically on the right side of your chest too, that's what it's been feeling like the past 2 weeks...

and the incision hurts too. 

thankfully the pain meds (even though the surgeon refilled a lower dose) help a little, i've been trying hard to take less

but...when i lay down, and get in just the right position, the pain eventually eases.  and my appetite is a little better.

car rides still hurt, A LOT, and the pain still wakes me up EVERY NIGHT, but i can move around a little easier, and walking easier too.

still wish T had stuck with me,

him leaving me like that makes me feel like i'm not worth anything, and i'm only worth anything if i don't cause problems,

if i am healthy and sexy - at a moment's notice -

and bring in good money...

oh, and once he told me,

a good woman burns herself when she's making dinner for her MAN in the kitchen,

i scoffed it off at the time, but i guess he really meant it, the woman should suffer for the man, which is all good and fine with me, to a point,

as long as HE'S NICE TO HER!!!!!!  doesn't take much, just an occasional 'i love you, honey...'

i'm mad too because, well,

i'm happy my loans got forgiven, that's a blessing, but really, how was i going to pay it back? 

but i'm mad because,

well, T got a free ride off my loans, which i have to suffer in order for them to have been forgiven...

that's truly not fair. 

i'm only seeing this from my point of view, but still, not fair that he gets to run away,

scott free,
good job,
good pay,
good health,

and he leaves me bleeding in the dust,
sick,
torn,
hurt (inside and out),
no money,
no financial support,
happy to do whatever he wants...

heck, i don't even know if he has a conscience...

he's probably turned it around in his head that it's all my fault,

i tried to explain things, YET AGAIN, to him, in an email, but no response,

i'm just a dumb woman to him, i guess, anyway, that's how i feel he feels...

i think he really f*cked me up. 

yet i still love him and want him back.  probably i want his acceptance and approval.  probably not healthy, but if he would just be nice to me and accept me for who i am, things would have been fine.

but i'm only 33, what the h*ll do i know?  i seem to believe that the more days i live, the less i know...

that's from a sit com, 'Valerie'

it goes "the more you learn, the less you know..."

that's true.

so i don't know what to do with the rest of my life.  I want T back and for him to be nice to me and to love me.  I am mad at him for not giving the marriage another chance, I am mad that he didn't stick with our vows, i really thought he took them seriously.

i want to, when i am strong and healthy enough to maybe work again, part time at first...teach maybe...finish my teaching credential...but which one, the k-12, or the single subject science, or start with substitute teaching, or try to teach at a college?  then there's tutoring...i like that...

but still there's that 'put down' that keeps in my head that T always said...'those that can - WORK, those that can't - TEACH'

i know it's wrong, but it's been tatooed in my brain and so i don't feel good about myself teaching...

then there's research too, i love research, had a couple good interviews for research too.  i like it...

and then there's medical stuff.  i miss medicine.  i know it's a big reason T left me, but i think even if i had dumped medicine, he still may have found a way or a reason to leave me anyway...

all i know...it wasn't supposed to work out this way...i should be finishing up my medical family medicine internship, looking forward to a job practicing medicine, had a solid and happy marriage, been on a few out-of-country trips, one of course to Hawaii, with T, had a baby while i was working with internship and residency, HAPPY, MARRIED, had a husband, T, who loved me and respected me, and a baby who would grow up with my niece and they'd play with eachother every once in awhile....

so why did things turn out this way?  why did i faint in november and break my hip, why did my heart poop out on me and i had to have surgery, and T didn't even visit me or even TALK  to me? 

at least i don't have a mechanical valve...i still want to have a baby...i'm glad my parents and sister and brothers and family are doing ok, or at least relatively ok....

and today, this whole medical insurance thing, i'm going to need that 6 months of cobra, but then i got tricked with SSI and SSDI and no one really was in the mood to help me because of Easter weekend coming up and all that...

so i am not eligible for Medicare, which i had been led to believe for the past 2 years, that majorly sucks,

i can't get spousal support (like he'd give it to me anyway...) because it just takes from my SSI anyway, and i still have to pay rent,

but with all these hospital copays, procedure copays, DME copays, doctor visit copays, drug copays, there's never enough $$ to pay the whole rent,

so my chances of getting a studio to move out and stop paying on my rental chances are LOW LOW LOW, and i've been trying to make money with these internet schemes, such as this blog,

supposedly you are supposed to be able to make money with a blog, but hasn't worked for me....

tried selling things on ebay, but i'm having a problem with my digital camera and can't get the pics on the computer easily anymore, and no one wants to buy hand-made bracelets...

so what do i do? 

i don't know...

i can't get any traffic to this blog.  i thought it would be interesting....i still have my chest tube story to tell...i already told the one where they put it in...horrible...but i have yet to tell of the friday when they took it out...

filled out the survey they sent me of my hospital stay...it was not a good evaluation...main complaint was the bed.  i should have insisted on an egg crate or had my dad buy me a sleeping bag or 2 so i would have been at least a little more comfortable...

and the room smelled like dust, and there wasn't much variety of the food,

and i always felt like i was 'bad' when i asked for pain medicine.  but i would ask them and feel guilty, like they felt less of me for wanting pain medicine, i hated that, i was in pain a lot more than i should have because they made me feel ashamed to ask for pain medicine. 

anyway, i don't know what to do...

i've written enough, still tired but can't sleep.  have to finish my medical transcription thing. 

i'm jealous of all my medical school classmates who got to finish their dream, they are all practicing now, most were successful with their families and marriages and the girls got to have their babies.  everything went to pot for me...

why couldn't T just be there for me...why couldn't he do it?  he's smart, he knew what was happening...i tried, did he know i was really trying? 

i always thought it was ironic that a communication major, a masters in communication would let his marriage go.  maybe he just didn't love me enough. 

i tried to be the wife he wanted, maybe he wanted someone meaner...but i don't like to be mean like that...maybe he wanted someone taller...

see, he never said goodbye to me so i could get those answers straight from him, just not fair. 

why does god do this to people?  it's just not fair...

just don't know what to do...

i'll probably write my 2nd chest tube story next...i miss T...i get cold at night, all the sad feelings come back at night...i don't know what to do, and he's decided to 'ignore' my emails....

goodnight...

JOANNAJEAN

Ch10-facebook

Ch10-Facebook & Visiting Family...

I learned a little about the internet 'SOCIAL NETWORKING' today when I visited my family, which actually cheered me up.

I got to see A and my brother and R my neice (I didn't ask permission to use names, so I just use initials for now...) don't want to get anyone mad...

I found out how to get on FACEBOOK and they said to 'post this link on your website,' so I'll try it...wait, it has my married name on it, which I don't have 'permission' to use either, so oh well...

I was in a funk, really really sad all day because 1) 10 days to my surgery, and 2) what T (my husband), said to me in an email yesterday. I don't want to remember it or repeat it, it will just make me feel bad again...

It cheered me up to see my neice. I think she's grown since last I saw her during the holidays in December.

Anyway, I guess I will keep this short.

I guess I will have my ups and downs by the time my surgery comes closer.

Most I am afraid of is the PAIN.

And I am mad, right now, at T, because I don't think he wants a divorce because he stopped loving me, he just gave up because things got too hard and complicated, which is sort of a PARADOX,

because one MAJOR reason I decided he was (would be) a good husband is because of how he was (is) so loyal to his family, no MATTER what happened (happens).

I NEVER THOUGHT HE'D GIVE UP ON ME OR OUR MARRIAGE.

IT'S JUST NOT FAIR.

I don't know, now I'm just BABBLING, so I'll try to stop...

Thanks,

JOANNAJEAN

CH8:Valentine's Day For the Broken Hearted...

Ch8; the broken hearted...

I was a 'good girl,' and sent out some Valentines to let others know they are loved and are being thought of...(i bit my lip)

But after the 8th, "She'll love you even more..." diamond ring commercial, ok, I just lost it!!! I needed to KICK SOMETHING!

and now the weekend, all the couples are going to be out there in force, RUBBING IT IN our faces, to the people who have failed in LOVE.

my wedding was, perfect, at least to me and T. the whole time I said 'I'm so happy!'
Now we are apart. He says he's happy. BUT, I don't think he is. I've begged him for one last hug, one last kiss, one last goodbye, and he REFUSES.

And now I find out that the agreement we had - that we would mutually sign one settlement agreement - and then send it to the judge. NOW, he tells me the rules changed,

It makes me sad. I wanted to be with him forever. I cannot get over the pain, i'm scared of having to go thru the surgery where HE BROKE MY HEART. it's not fair T, what about me?

It's not fair how u left me. Just left me an email saying you'll be gone until thursday and i was to be 'out' by then. I called you on the way to the airport and you said, we have to get a divorce...I started screaming hysterically,

i tried to reach you but was lost and sobbing, i had missed you,

T, haven't you realized that i'm miserable? you can CHANGE YOUR MIND, and let us be together again, it's ok to change your mind!

don't divorce me. please think about it. i want to be with you, want to hear you breathe as you fall asleep...

JOANNAJEAN