Ch34 JANUARY SUCKS

The Day His Prozac Kicked In - Ch34

January Sucks!

January has always sucked, ever since I was little, a long, depressing month.  I'm glad it's over, but the past decade or so, February has seemed ABSOLUTELY CURSED!  So I'm not looking forward to it, but I'll be prepared for it.  

Tom & I NEVER had a really nice Valentine's Day.  The day he proposed was Valentine's Day, so that was very nice and special.  

I'll always remember that tingly feeling that someone loves you.  It's a delicate, precious feeling, like you are standing tip-toe, keeping your balance on a dandelion, like a fairy or butterfly might do.  He was so nervous when he asked, even though we had already planned it and he knew I'd say yes.  

It was at the Colorado Lagoon, which everyone considers an icky eyesore of a place, but to me, it has always been magical.  It still is.

Another magical place is the Japanese Gardens at CSULB.  Talk about picture perfect!  I remember our wedding day there.  All I felt was pure joy, I look back and remember that all the guests were overcome by peace and happiness too.  Everything worked out,  it was AWESOME!

a few little non-perfect things - like I wanted them to play "She's Got Legs" by ZZTop (I think that's the name of the band...) - I wanted the DJ to play that song when Tom took the garter off my leg and threw it!  That would have been COOL!

I know Tom left me, but those places are still magical...the koi fish, all the guests were happy and visiting and wearing their nicest prettiest suits, dresses and hats.  My sister said angels were there too, she could see them, sense them... 

Everyone was happy.  When I walked toward the bridge to get married, Tom whispered that I was beautiful.  That meant so much to me and I blushed and felt so lucky that he had chosen me and loved me so much to say that!

I never suspected he would leave me.  How can he sleep at night?  This month was horrendous to me.  

I had planned to get a studio I had been waiting for, one I could afford and was special to me because a dear friend and HIS dear friend told me about it.  So that was the plan, but I woke up too quickly one night and SLAMMED my head into the dresser.  

I know I had a concussion and I think I even had 'raccoon eyes,' which I remember from school is a DEAD RINGER for a serious head injury.  I should have gone to the doctor right away, but I was sooooo afraid of being admitted into those hard beds at St. Marys.  

Then 2 more things happened as I lay in bed, hiding my phone in the laundry basket in the other room because the phone buzzing kept FREAKING me out...

One, it was Tom's birthday.  So I was thinking of him and being sad, KNOWING HE WASN'T THINKING OF ME, THAT HE JUST DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL ANYMORE.

Then I realized the 6 months were up and there was no more money for COBRA, so I FREAKED AGAIN and couldn't make it to the pharmacy anyway, so I stopped taking A LOT, well, MOST of my medications because I was worried about money.  I was scared.   

So I was feeling terrible, sick, shaky, hopeless, and angry that I couldn't do anything because of banging my head.  I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't eat.  I tried to hide and stay in my room.  I didn't want to be any MORE of a burden to my parents.  I felt incredibly guilty...I've already asked them for so much help.  

I was a wreck, I didn't answer calls, canceled my appointments because I wanted to save money and not pay for the co-payments.  

I had basically lost my will and just wanted to sleep.  I just wanted to sleep!

I feel a little better now.  I'm eating better, trying to walk more.  I want to go out, but then I get scared and get an anxiety attack.  But I am feeling a tiny bit stronger. 

Worst was the hallucinations.  I saw ants on the ceiling, hundreds of them, on the ceiling above my bed.  What TOTALLY FREAKED me out is that I got the flashlight and told Mom and Susan about the ants - THEY WERE NOT THERE!  I could see them plain as day, but they were NOT THERE.  That FREAKED ME OUT!  

Then one Saturday, another sleepless night, I was kept up until 6am by 94.7 FM that I was picking up in my ears, in Stanton.  Then the next day, I swore I heard that the Jersey Shore people were in the house and wanted to talk to me.  

It was all completely real to me, and the fact that it was crazy SCARED ME to death!

I still make the same wish though everytime I pick up a dandelion and blow away all the seeds.  Even though he wrote a horribly insensitive and downright CRUEL email saying he is getting married and to NEVER talk to him again, and he was going to put me on a restraining order (completely ridiculous, I replied).  And he still owes me $700 for the extra cost of COBRA those 6 months...

I was thinking of this last night when I couldn't sleep (as usual), it's the engraving on the tombstone of our marriage.  It reads something like this:

A Broken Marriage

The love you had for me, you shut the gate on it.

I sobbed so many tears, have had so much hope...

May the happy memories live forever,

and the hope of your love again remain...

as a small ray of eternal hope.

The broken promises continue to squeeze, tear, and rip my heart, what has happened is truly a death.

Rest in Peace, 

but the tiny glittery chance of hope will always remain in my heart, Because Love does not die, 

and neither does hope.

Love,

JOANNAJEAN

CH20:STILL SAD...

CHAPTER 20;
STILL SAD AND LONELY

I am sad and lonely again tonight. 

I haven't been able to sleep. 

I hope I can sleep tonight, but probably not, I always wake up after having a bad dream. 

Sometimes I cry in my sleep. 

I am sad about the divorce papers.  I don't want the divorce, I feel like when it happens, I'll be like at the edge of a cliff, nowhere to go, alone, scared, not knowing what to do. 

I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be sad. 

I liked our little life together, we'd be getting ready for bed, probably watching a movie or TV or something.  I'd be warm and I wouldn't be lonely, and I'd be happy. 

I'm so scared for when those papers come, I think I'll feel as sad as a person can feel. 

Even after 2 years, I still miss him. 

I don't think any miracle will come and fix everything.  I'm sad and lonely, and miss him....

I know it's gonna happen, and I know how horrible I'll feel, and I know I'll cry, and I know crying will hurt my chest. 

I just hope I can sleep,

but then I just dream about him and when we used to go on trips and see things...

I wish things could be happier...

PLEASE, T, CHANGE YOUR MIND....PLEASE????

JOANNAJEAN

Ch17; UPDATE ON DIVORCE and my RECUPERATION

Chapter 17; update on divorce and my recuperation...
April 2, 2010

Last night I couldn't sleep.

T emailed me to say he finally turned in the complete divorce papers.

I was numb for awhile, then i couldn't sleep, even with a sleeping pill, so you can guess how I was feeling...

I just keep thinking, 'IT'S NOT FAIR...'

I never got a 2nd chance to do things right...

He keeps saying 'I don't want to go back.  i could go back if I want, but I don't want to go back.  i'm moving on...'

I keep saying, 'It wouldn't be 'going back'...

it would be 'moving forward,'

like one of the divorce books i got a long time ago...'ditch the old marriage, start a new one, a successful one...'

nope, didn't work...typical man....stubborn

i kept telling him, 'It's ok to change your mind...'

nope, that didn't work either...

It hurt my heart too,

and i know it was my heart hurting because in the hospital when the surgeon was pulling out the pacemaker leads (they put them in during surgery in case for some reason my heart stopped, i guess they put pacemaker leads in the heart so it can get started again easily...thankfully they didn't have to use them...but boy did they sting and hurt when he pulled them out...)

well, one of the pacemaker leads didn't come out smoothly, the surgeon had to tug and tug, and i freaked and tensed and he kept telling me to relax, but i could tell and feel that it was the heart muscle it was stuck on...

this was the same feeling that I felt in my heart when T sent me the email that he finally sent the papers. 

i am mad at him, of course, and think his lawyer is bogus because all this time the lawyer said, 'oh yeah, let her sign, then you sign...'

i guess it was a con the whole time, because then the lawyer says, 'nah, she didn't fill out a response, (or whatever it's called), so it's all you, T.  You have all the power.' 

so that's what he did.  he did it, and i asked him a few times already to send me what he sent the lawyer, so it would be at least a little fair, but no response. he's IGNORING ME, getting his SPACE...poor T, needs his SPACE...

i told T that this is the wrong thing to do.  that he just ran away, left me abandoned.  my dad wants to sue him for abandonment.

honestly, i blame him a lot for the damage to my heart.  i know, i know...'you are responsible for how you handle things...'

but...all the sadness, depression, anxiety, crying...all that stress on my heart, i truly believe damaged it, made my heart work harder and damaged it....

then i went to the doctor the other day and she says there is still a murmur present, i was like, 'what the h#ll!'  i thought they did all that surgery to FIX it! 

but CARDIOLOGY was never my best subject, in fact it is my worst subject probably, so maybe the murmur doesn't go away immediately.

my heart area definately feels very bruised, has for about 2 weeks now. 

don't do this, but imagine punching yourself right over the heart, and symetrically on the right side of your chest too, that's what it's been feeling like the past 2 weeks...

and the incision hurts too. 

thankfully the pain meds (even though the surgeon refilled a lower dose) help a little, i've been trying hard to take less

but...when i lay down, and get in just the right position, the pain eventually eases.  and my appetite is a little better.

car rides still hurt, A LOT, and the pain still wakes me up EVERY NIGHT, but i can move around a little easier, and walking easier too.

still wish T had stuck with me,

him leaving me like that makes me feel like i'm not worth anything, and i'm only worth anything if i don't cause problems,

if i am healthy and sexy - at a moment's notice -

and bring in good money...

oh, and once he told me,

a good woman burns herself when she's making dinner for her MAN in the kitchen,

i scoffed it off at the time, but i guess he really meant it, the woman should suffer for the man, which is all good and fine with me, to a point,

as long as HE'S NICE TO HER!!!!!!  doesn't take much, just an occasional 'i love you, honey...'

i'm mad too because, well,

i'm happy my loans got forgiven, that's a blessing, but really, how was i going to pay it back? 

but i'm mad because,

well, T got a free ride off my loans, which i have to suffer in order for them to have been forgiven...

that's truly not fair. 

i'm only seeing this from my point of view, but still, not fair that he gets to run away,

scott free,
good job,
good pay,
good health,

and he leaves me bleeding in the dust,
sick,
torn,
hurt (inside and out),
no money,
no financial support,
happy to do whatever he wants...

heck, i don't even know if he has a conscience...

he's probably turned it around in his head that it's all my fault,

i tried to explain things, YET AGAIN, to him, in an email, but no response,

i'm just a dumb woman to him, i guess, anyway, that's how i feel he feels...

i think he really f*cked me up. 

yet i still love him and want him back.  probably i want his acceptance and approval.  probably not healthy, but if he would just be nice to me and accept me for who i am, things would have been fine.

but i'm only 33, what the h*ll do i know?  i seem to believe that the more days i live, the less i know...

that's from a sit com, 'Valerie'

it goes "the more you learn, the less you know..."

that's true.

so i don't know what to do with the rest of my life.  I want T back and for him to be nice to me and to love me.  I am mad at him for not giving the marriage another chance, I am mad that he didn't stick with our vows, i really thought he took them seriously.

i want to, when i am strong and healthy enough to maybe work again, part time at first...teach maybe...finish my teaching credential...but which one, the k-12, or the single subject science, or start with substitute teaching, or try to teach at a college?  then there's tutoring...i like that...

but still there's that 'put down' that keeps in my head that T always said...'those that can - WORK, those that can't - TEACH'

i know it's wrong, but it's been tatooed in my brain and so i don't feel good about myself teaching...

then there's research too, i love research, had a couple good interviews for research too.  i like it...

and then there's medical stuff.  i miss medicine.  i know it's a big reason T left me, but i think even if i had dumped medicine, he still may have found a way or a reason to leave me anyway...

all i know...it wasn't supposed to work out this way...i should be finishing up my medical family medicine internship, looking forward to a job practicing medicine, had a solid and happy marriage, been on a few out-of-country trips, one of course to Hawaii, with T, had a baby while i was working with internship and residency, HAPPY, MARRIED, had a husband, T, who loved me and respected me, and a baby who would grow up with my niece and they'd play with eachother every once in awhile....

so why did things turn out this way?  why did i faint in november and break my hip, why did my heart poop out on me and i had to have surgery, and T didn't even visit me or even TALK  to me? 

at least i don't have a mechanical valve...i still want to have a baby...i'm glad my parents and sister and brothers and family are doing ok, or at least relatively ok....

and today, this whole medical insurance thing, i'm going to need that 6 months of cobra, but then i got tricked with SSI and SSDI and no one really was in the mood to help me because of Easter weekend coming up and all that...

so i am not eligible for Medicare, which i had been led to believe for the past 2 years, that majorly sucks,

i can't get spousal support (like he'd give it to me anyway...) because it just takes from my SSI anyway, and i still have to pay rent,

but with all these hospital copays, procedure copays, DME copays, doctor visit copays, drug copays, there's never enough $$ to pay the whole rent,

so my chances of getting a studio to move out and stop paying on my rental chances are LOW LOW LOW, and i've been trying to make money with these internet schemes, such as this blog,

supposedly you are supposed to be able to make money with a blog, but hasn't worked for me....

tried selling things on ebay, but i'm having a problem with my digital camera and can't get the pics on the computer easily anymore, and no one wants to buy hand-made bracelets...

so what do i do? 

i don't know...

i can't get any traffic to this blog.  i thought it would be interesting....i still have my chest tube story to tell...i already told the one where they put it in...horrible...but i have yet to tell of the friday when they took it out...

filled out the survey they sent me of my hospital stay...it was not a good evaluation...main complaint was the bed.  i should have insisted on an egg crate or had my dad buy me a sleeping bag or 2 so i would have been at least a little more comfortable...

and the room smelled like dust, and there wasn't much variety of the food,

and i always felt like i was 'bad' when i asked for pain medicine.  but i would ask them and feel guilty, like they felt less of me for wanting pain medicine, i hated that, i was in pain a lot more than i should have because they made me feel ashamed to ask for pain medicine. 

anyway, i don't know what to do...

i've written enough, still tired but can't sleep.  have to finish my medical transcription thing. 

i'm jealous of all my medical school classmates who got to finish their dream, they are all practicing now, most were successful with their families and marriages and the girls got to have their babies.  everything went to pot for me...

why couldn't T just be there for me...why couldn't he do it?  he's smart, he knew what was happening...i tried, did he know i was really trying? 

i always thought it was ironic that a communication major, a masters in communication would let his marriage go.  maybe he just didn't love me enough. 

i tried to be the wife he wanted, maybe he wanted someone meaner...but i don't like to be mean like that...maybe he wanted someone taller...

see, he never said goodbye to me so i could get those answers straight from him, just not fair. 

why does god do this to people?  it's just not fair...

just don't know what to do...

i'll probably write my 2nd chest tube story next...i miss T...i get cold at night, all the sad feelings come back at night...i don't know what to do, and he's decided to 'ignore' my emails....

goodnight...

JOANNAJEAN