Ch29-Recovery?

Chapter29-Recovery?

Been awhile since I wrote...

1.  Divorce still not final.  Don't want it to be...

2.  From what I gather from my minimal contact with T (infrequent and brief emails...) he's as miserable as I am...

3.  By that rationale...we should be together and work things out, we'd still be miserable, but at least (I think) we'd feel like we are doing the RIGHT thing...

4.  Cardiac Recovery - It's REALLY hard to get all the way across town to get to the Cardiac Rehab place at the hospital.  I can't drive that far yet.

5.  But, the one time I've gone, it was REALLY good.  It's a wonderful program, but I think after a couple more sessions, I'll just work out at the gym across the street from me, so much easier to get to, I just have to MAKE myself go a couple times a week...

6.  But i am frustrated with my recovery.  I think part of it may be my fault, since I'm not pushing myself 100%, but like I said when these 2 surgeries started, way back in October, 'I've been thru all this for over 20 years, I'm tired of being good and tough all the time, just tired of it...'

7.  It's hard having to do a divorce and try to get strong and recover from the surgery - simultaneously.  Too much.  I don't know what my place is anymore, I don't know what I am supposed to be doing...I don't know what I am supposed to do.

8.  Before, I knew...ok, get good grades to get a good job.  ok, that makes sense.  Also, my role was, wife-try to make T happy.  So I knew what to do before.  Now, I feel lost...and tired, sad, lonesome for T, guilty for bugging my Mom and Dad, worthless for not having a job, frustrated with my recovery, etc.

Ch10-facebook

Ch10-Facebook & Visiting Family...

I learned a little about the internet 'SOCIAL NETWORKING' today when I visited my family, which actually cheered me up.

I got to see A and my brother and R my neice (I didn't ask permission to use names, so I just use initials for now...) don't want to get anyone mad...

I found out how to get on FACEBOOK and they said to 'post this link on your website,' so I'll try it...wait, it has my married name on it, which I don't have 'permission' to use either, so oh well...

I was in a funk, really really sad all day because 1) 10 days to my surgery, and 2) what T (my husband), said to me in an email yesterday. I don't want to remember it or repeat it, it will just make me feel bad again...

It cheered me up to see my neice. I think she's grown since last I saw her during the holidays in December.

Anyway, I guess I will keep this short.

I guess I will have my ups and downs by the time my surgery comes closer.

Most I am afraid of is the PAIN.

And I am mad, right now, at T, because I don't think he wants a divorce because he stopped loving me, he just gave up because things got too hard and complicated, which is sort of a PARADOX,

because one MAJOR reason I decided he was (would be) a good husband is because of how he was (is) so loyal to his family, no MATTER what happened (happens).

I NEVER THOUGHT HE'D GIVE UP ON ME OR OUR MARRIAGE.

IT'S JUST NOT FAIR.

I don't know, now I'm just BABBLING, so I'll try to stop...

Thanks,

JOANNAJEAN