Ch29-Recovery?

Chapter29-Recovery?

Been awhile since I wrote...

1.  Divorce still not final.  Don't want it to be...

2.  From what I gather from my minimal contact with T (infrequent and brief emails...) he's as miserable as I am...

3.  By that rationale...we should be together and work things out, we'd still be miserable, but at least (I think) we'd feel like we are doing the RIGHT thing...

4.  Cardiac Recovery - It's REALLY hard to get all the way across town to get to the Cardiac Rehab place at the hospital.  I can't drive that far yet.

5.  But, the one time I've gone, it was REALLY good.  It's a wonderful program, but I think after a couple more sessions, I'll just work out at the gym across the street from me, so much easier to get to, I just have to MAKE myself go a couple times a week...

6.  But i am frustrated with my recovery.  I think part of it may be my fault, since I'm not pushing myself 100%, but like I said when these 2 surgeries started, way back in October, 'I've been thru all this for over 20 years, I'm tired of being good and tough all the time, just tired of it...'

7.  It's hard having to do a divorce and try to get strong and recover from the surgery - simultaneously.  Too much.  I don't know what my place is anymore, I don't know what I am supposed to be doing...I don't know what I am supposed to do.

8.  Before, I knew...ok, get good grades to get a good job.  ok, that makes sense.  Also, my role was, wife-try to make T happy.  So I knew what to do before.  Now, I feel lost...and tired, sad, lonesome for T, guilty for bugging my Mom and Dad, worthless for not having a job, frustrated with my recovery, etc.

THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN; CHAPTER 1

Hello Bloggers and fellow readers...

CHAPTER 1:

I have a very detailed SUMMARY INTRODUCTION to my blog. I think you will find it very interesting, and I hope that not only will you read it and use my entries to add to your own life, but i also hope that you will use YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCES to add to my life experiences and life philosophies...

FIRST, let me just briefly explain what my title means...

THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...

Well, basically, my blog is a JOURNAL OR PERSONAL DIARY of things that have happened to me, things that DO happen to me on a daily basis, QUESTIONS i have about life, and PHILOSOPHIES of life i have recieved by observation and other important people in my life...

I first wanted to title my BLOG, "IT SUCKS TO BE ME..." but i figured that would be too negative...so i thought my 2nd choice;

THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN...

would spark a little more interest in what my blog is all about. So I look forward to writing my blog, and i'll write in a short list a few things i will write about, i guess i'll partition my 'journal' or 'BLOG ENTRIES' into CHAPTERS;

This is CHAPTER 1; INTRODUCTION TO 'THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..." summary and introduction.

Basically, so you know a little about me,

I am going through a DIVORCE;
I am 33 YEARS OLD
I am NOT HANDLING THE DIVORCE WELL AT ALL...
It has been 2 YEARS since the DIVORCE PROCESS has all started...

but, of course, that's not all there is about me...

ADDITIONALLY;

I have really bad HEALTH PROBLEMS;
including; CROHN'S, OSTEOPOROSIS, MAJOR DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, MIGRAINES, and of course, several more, of which i didn't list at this time... all of these health problems have caused me several, several other problems, and major complications including (from most recent on...)

CARDIAC PROBLEMS, including AORTIC VALVE INSUFFICIENCY (SEVERE), AORTIC ANEURYSM (SEVERE), BROKEN HIP (HIP REPLACEMENT SURGERY just a few months ago in November, 2009), CATARACTS, KYPHOPLASTY surgery (for the broken vertebrae), ADRENAL INSUFFICIENCY, and...

I have OPEN HEART SURGERY coming up, which is my most current major concern, and i'm really scared because the surgeon said there is a 10% chance of not even surviving the operation! Boy, that threw my Mom and I for a loop...I guess that'll be a separate 'CHAPTER' in my blog...

Anyway...to get back to my summary...I have to take so many MEDICATIONS, that it really is hard to keep track of taking them every day, and of course they all cause side effects...

LASTLY, in summary, I was 99.9% done with MEDICAL SCHOOL and was all set up to start an internship in FAMILY MEDICINE. I had this DREAM since I was 15 years old, and i actually had jumped through all the hoops and got the grades at UCLA for undergrad, and everything seemed to work out until the cursed COMLEX 2CE.

It should have been easy enough...with over a 90% nationwide pass rate, but i took that darn test 7 times and didn't pass.

I guess I could have named my blog, 'SHATTERED DREAMS' but it seems sort of cliche, so i went with something that i thought would 'stand out' more...

So you can kind of see a pattern...FAILURE of COMLEX, FAILURE of marriage, we had to have a BANKRUPTCY (which made the marriage even more shaky), and then there was a downfall for me from there on, a 'slippery slope' you could say...

things kept getting worse HEALTHWISE, EMPLOYMENT-WISE, MARRIAGE-WISE, SELF-ESTEEM-WISE,

my DEPRESSION worsened, my HUSBAND left me,

and his life seemed to get BETTER AND BETTER in all ways possible since he left me, which made me feel worse...

But that's just what has happened in the past couple years. I have a lot of chapters other than that...

And I chose not to title my blog "IT SUCKS TO BE ME..." because i didn't want people to think i was just a boring pessimist, i have a lot of optimism in me as well...but those are other chapters...

So I guess that will wrap up

CHAPTER 1 of "THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..."

signed;
JOANNAJEAN

P.S. I guess it wouldn't be fair if i didn't explain the reasoning behind naming my blog

"THE DAY HIS PROZAC KICKED IN..."

Well...the day my husband's PROZAC kicked in, he realized how depressed he really was, which he blamed on me, and this whole 'slippery slope' thing really began, although, at that time i was in MAJOR DENIAL (well, i believe i STILL AM in a lot of DENIAL...)

and, unfortunately, I believe it was basically the day he decided to leave me, which is why this title is so important to me...

this day was well over 2 years ago.

I'm still in love with him, and have a secret hope (well...I guess NOT so secret) that he still loves me, but he resents me for him getting depressed to the point where he had to go on Prozac in the first place...

I think that explains my reasoning for naming my blog. I have a lot to learn, so bear with me, but i hope my stories will be interesting to you.

And to hold you over to CHAPTER 2, which I haven't named yet,

I'll tell you, that I really did enjoy MEDICAL SCHOOL, and if there is one very important lesson i learned in medical school is that

EVERYONE'S LIFE IS DIFFICULT FOR THEM;

and i'm sure that you will agree with me...

that includes EVERYONE i've encountered...surgeons, surgeon's daughters, medical students, medical students' spouses (duh!), and of course PATIENTS, and other health-care providers, and PARENTS, and KIDS, and TEACHERS, and PROFESSORS, and just plain EVERYONE.

Lastly, EVERYONE HAS A STORY TO TELL, and i hope people will contribute to my blog by sharing snippets of their lives, so that others can read them and learn from them...

Thanks for reading, I hope this turns out to be a helpful and successful BLOG for everyone that reads and contributes...

Take care,

JOANNAJEAN