CH35 Year Update : Sadness

The Day His Prozac Kicked In

March, 2011

Well, March 1st was the year anniversary of my open heart surgery.

It is Sunday night and I was really and optimistic last week.

But today, I'm just as sad and gloomy as I was 5 YEARS ago.

I got a REALLY mean and insensitive EMAIL correspondence from Tom's sister.  I am not sure truly who it was from, but it's probably a HUGE part of the reason I am so sad and depressed right now.

I had started the new anti-depressive drug, Remiron, a week or so ago, and was really happy that I thought it was working.  I was starting to feel a little uplifted and motivated again.

But again, a day or so ago, all my feelings of sadness and defeatedness came crashing back.

I am so mad that Anna and Tom, and the family can still have such an effect on me.  I feel so beaten that their insincerity can still hurt me so much.

ALL I EVER ASKED FOR FROM TOM, WHAT I'VE BEEN ASKING FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS, IS FOR HIM TO GET SOME BALLS, COME TO ME IN PERSON, SAY HE IS SORRY FOR HURTING ME, LET ME SAY GOODBYE TO HIM, AND LET ME GIVE HIM ONE LAST HUG. 

But he WOULDN'T do that for me. 

I needed my last payment for medical insurance.  It was already money that Tom had agreed to give me, it had already been settled, but they had to play their little 'POWER' game and say 'YOU ONLY GET YOUR 'LIFE' MONEY IF U GIVE BACK HIS CAR KEY.'

I have emails saying that it was not a big deal, that I had it and he could have it back any time, in any way he wanted it.  I needed the $ within 48 hours, and instead of Tom simply driving up from Irvine, getting his key, and then giving me a check, the simplest implementation of this transaction they were insisting on.....no.....

IT HAD TO BE THEIR WAY;  I HAD TO SEND THE KEY TO ANNA IN N.C. AND THEN, AND ONLY THEN, WOULD SHE ALLOW A CHECK TO BE SENT TO ME FROM N.C. TO LONG BEACH.  WHATEVER SENSE THAT MAKES...to me, only seems like a cruel manifestation of the 'POWER' and cruelty they (think) they have over me.

Well, YES, THEY CERTAINLY HAVE THE POWER TO HURT ME TO THE POINT OF SEVERE AND EXCRUCIATING DEPRESSION AND PAIN.  And to be truthful, I think it gives them a sick, perverse sense of control, power, and satisfaction --

'ha ha - Joanna, u are so dumb, u deserve to suffer and be DEAD.'  I wish u were DEAD, but since I haven't killed u yet, well, I can torture you and hurt you a lot anyway, that's good enough for me....'

Well, if they had ever wanted to hurt a person like that.  They have succeeded. 

Tom, I only wanted to be married, and to love you, and to live a happy life together, or at least try, and have the vows of marriage together, to live old together, to have kids together, to have a life together... 

Why did u have to hurt me so bad? 

How come u will not resolve and help ease my depression by doing the single thing I've been begging for for so many years, just give me some closure.

To everyone out there...DON'T EVER GET DIVORCED.  It hurts too much. 

Tom, if u wanted to hurt me, you've succeeded.  I'm still in so much pain, I'm still crying your name at night.  If that's what u wanted, YOU WIN. 

I had been thinking of it, and I don't think I can get married again, not now. 

I'm too hurt, I loved you too much, I trusted you too much. 

I'm too scared of the world now. 

I can only get thru day by day. 

I don't know how my health will be 24 hours from now, so it is hard to schedule things. 

I am very sad. 

I hope I will feel better in the morning. 

I know my night tonight will be fitful and I will have sorrowful dreams about Tom. 

What makes me really really sad though is this:
I know, deep inside, there is good in him. 
That is the good that I loved. 
That is the good that I married. 

He hurt me so much, that I didn't pursue the full penalty towards him - that he legally owed me finanacially by law - because I would have too much on MY conscious to hurt him that way. 


I guess you could say that I have left that kind of punishment to a higher power, whatever that may be.  I couldn't handle putting that kind of pain on another person, even though people like him, his family, his sister, and people all over the world, have NO PROBLEM hurting other people in that way. 

I BELIEVE THERE R PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHO DO NOT HAVE A CONSCIOUS.

I BELIEVE THERE IS MORE HATE IN THIS WORLD THAN LOVE.

And that is what keeps me up at night, makes me cry out and sob, why, Tom, why?  I thought you were better than that, stronger than that! 

Tom, why did u hurt me SO BAD?
WHY DID U HURT ME, KNOWING HOW SENSITIVE I AM, AND HOW DEEPLY IT WOULD HURT ME? 
YOU LEFT A SCAR IN ME THAT GOES BEYOND LIFE AND DEATH, A PAINFUL SCAR THAT GOES BEYOND THE HUMAN BODY, THE HUMAN LIFE, THIS PLANE OF EXISTANCE, THE HEAVEN AND THE EARTH. 
THIS PAIN IS ETERNAL AND CAN BE SEEN IN THE EYES OF EVERY BEING, THAT EVER LIVED, THAT ALSO LIVED THRU THIS PAIN.

THIS PAIN IS ETERNAL.

I Know there are people who do and who have felt this type of pain. 

I have tried and continue to try to NOT cause or fan the flame of this pain, in any way, toward any creature, in any way.  I want to heal, to ease pain, and try to turn the tide of life more towards LOVE and away from HATE.  I know others try to do this too, I do not see it as a weakness.  I wish I had more courage to fight this EVIL and HATE.  But for now, the best i can do is just make it to the next day, and hope it will be better.

But I am not strong enough.  I said last year when I had to have my heart fixed, I told everyone that I did not have the STRENGTH OR COURAGE anymore to be the strong and kind person I was when I was young. 

I've been hurt too much and too deeply to try the world again.  That is why I hide, that is why I am scared.

I want to be happy again, but it doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon.  I face this month, not knowing if I will be able to afford my medical insurance.  I am even at the point now, that I plan a couple days ahead of time, to make sure I have the means to have enough food to get thru the day.

I am scared of the world.

I really hope tomorrow will be a little better, because I am very sad right now.

Best of luck to all of u struggling with similar problems. 

I love you and hope you are stronger than me.

Love,
JoannaJean

Ch34 JANUARY SUCKS

The Day His Prozac Kicked In - Ch34

January Sucks!

January has always sucked, ever since I was little, a long, depressing month.  I'm glad it's over, but the past decade or so, February has seemed ABSOLUTELY CURSED!  So I'm not looking forward to it, but I'll be prepared for it.  

Tom & I NEVER had a really nice Valentine's Day.  The day he proposed was Valentine's Day, so that was very nice and special.  

I'll always remember that tingly feeling that someone loves you.  It's a delicate, precious feeling, like you are standing tip-toe, keeping your balance on a dandelion, like a fairy or butterfly might do.  He was so nervous when he asked, even though we had already planned it and he knew I'd say yes.  

It was at the Colorado Lagoon, which everyone considers an icky eyesore of a place, but to me, it has always been magical.  It still is.

Another magical place is the Japanese Gardens at CSULB.  Talk about picture perfect!  I remember our wedding day there.  All I felt was pure joy, I look back and remember that all the guests were overcome by peace and happiness too.  Everything worked out,  it was AWESOME!

a few little non-perfect things - like I wanted them to play "She's Got Legs" by ZZTop (I think that's the name of the band...) - I wanted the DJ to play that song when Tom took the garter off my leg and threw it!  That would have been COOL!

I know Tom left me, but those places are still magical...the koi fish, all the guests were happy and visiting and wearing their nicest prettiest suits, dresses and hats.  My sister said angels were there too, she could see them, sense them... 

Everyone was happy.  When I walked toward the bridge to get married, Tom whispered that I was beautiful.  That meant so much to me and I blushed and felt so lucky that he had chosen me and loved me so much to say that!

I never suspected he would leave me.  How can he sleep at night?  This month was horrendous to me.  

I had planned to get a studio I had been waiting for, one I could afford and was special to me because a dear friend and HIS dear friend told me about it.  So that was the plan, but I woke up too quickly one night and SLAMMED my head into the dresser.  

I know I had a concussion and I think I even had 'raccoon eyes,' which I remember from school is a DEAD RINGER for a serious head injury.  I should have gone to the doctor right away, but I was sooooo afraid of being admitted into those hard beds at St. Marys.  

Then 2 more things happened as I lay in bed, hiding my phone in the laundry basket in the other room because the phone buzzing kept FREAKING me out...

One, it was Tom's birthday.  So I was thinking of him and being sad, KNOWING HE WASN'T THINKING OF ME, THAT HE JUST DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL ANYMORE.

Then I realized the 6 months were up and there was no more money for COBRA, so I FREAKED AGAIN and couldn't make it to the pharmacy anyway, so I stopped taking A LOT, well, MOST of my medications because I was worried about money.  I was scared.   

So I was feeling terrible, sick, shaky, hopeless, and angry that I couldn't do anything because of banging my head.  I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't eat.  I tried to hide and stay in my room.  I didn't want to be any MORE of a burden to my parents.  I felt incredibly guilty...I've already asked them for so much help.  

I was a wreck, I didn't answer calls, canceled my appointments because I wanted to save money and not pay for the co-payments.  

I had basically lost my will and just wanted to sleep.  I just wanted to sleep!

I feel a little better now.  I'm eating better, trying to walk more.  I want to go out, but then I get scared and get an anxiety attack.  But I am feeling a tiny bit stronger. 

Worst was the hallucinations.  I saw ants on the ceiling, hundreds of them, on the ceiling above my bed.  What TOTALLY FREAKED me out is that I got the flashlight and told Mom and Susan about the ants - THEY WERE NOT THERE!  I could see them plain as day, but they were NOT THERE.  That FREAKED ME OUT!  

Then one Saturday, another sleepless night, I was kept up until 6am by 94.7 FM that I was picking up in my ears, in Stanton.  Then the next day, I swore I heard that the Jersey Shore people were in the house and wanted to talk to me.  

It was all completely real to me, and the fact that it was crazy SCARED ME to death!

I still make the same wish though everytime I pick up a dandelion and blow away all the seeds.  Even though he wrote a horribly insensitive and downright CRUEL email saying he is getting married and to NEVER talk to him again, and he was going to put me on a restraining order (completely ridiculous, I replied).  And he still owes me $700 for the extra cost of COBRA those 6 months...

I was thinking of this last night when I couldn't sleep (as usual), it's the engraving on the tombstone of our marriage.  It reads something like this:

A Broken Marriage

The love you had for me, you shut the gate on it.

I sobbed so many tears, have had so much hope...

May the happy memories live forever,

and the hope of your love again remain...

as a small ray of eternal hope.

The broken promises continue to squeeze, tear, and rip my heart, what has happened is truly a death.

Rest in Peace, 

but the tiny glittery chance of hope will always remain in my heart, Because Love does not die, 

and neither does hope.

Love,

JOANNAJEAN

Ch33October

The Day His Prozac Kicked In

Ch33
October

It's been awhile since I last wrote.  I guess that's because not that much has changed.

The divorce has gone legally final, but that holds no relief for me.

I've thought of 'letting go' with a little ceremony and a little prayer to myself, I never did it.

I still wake up sobbing and crying, saying 'I miss you!' 
or 'Tommy, you shouldn't have left me!'

Last time, I just cried in my sleep, 

I couldn't wake up from my dream.

I miss being loved.

I miss hearing you breathe.

I still wonder what it was that happened that one night when he came home at 4 a.m., looked me in the eye and said 'you and me, we aren't going to work out,'

I can kind of guess what happened,

but I never thought he'd abandon me
If u read my other posts, 

you know how terrified I was alone in the hospital

How I came home 2 weeks early because I couldn't be there anymore

but still at night I'm so sad

it's at night when I'm alone

and I don't have dreams about the birds getting loose from their cages, not so much that dream anymore

now it's his face, us on a ship, the two of us going somewhere
like the desert or the ocean, something like that

and we are lost together, wandering, searching,

and he's still not happy with me
but he's doing his 'searching' through the huge aisles of the supermarket or walmart or whatever

and i'm still trying desperately to keep up with him
but we are together 

for some reason it's that dream where i wake up

we are in a paradise, yet i still feel abandoned
and only want him to love me as our vows were written

i don't like being alone

it's scary

and i want to experience life with him again

not all alone

just still at night i am sad
and the past few days, sad and solemnly quiet,

i am happy to be seeing my niece tomorrow,

so sweet and happy and little

the whole world is exciting and fun!

yes, it is
until you've had it, shared it, and then he abandons you

i wish he hadn't left me

this wasn't the plan

we were supposed to have a baby too

and i was supposed to be a doctor

and everything was supposed to be happy

but something happened that night and he snapped

he didn't want me to be so dependent on him
he changed his mind
and left me

i feel like everything just stopped in May 2006

i remember that day, when we were moving

i couldn't stop throwing up

i think i threw up every day for like 8 or 9 months

that whole period

and that last night, I remember it was Feb 2nd, I had voted
I asked him about what the primaries were and he answered
even though he answered from far away
then he turned to go to sleep

and there was a moment and i knew

and my heart leaped and i gasped and grabbed my chest

i said to him

you're going to leave me, aren't you?

he just said,
'mmmm' like i was annoying him
'go to bed,' and he covered his head with the sheet

he knew it a lot sooner than i did

i thought he'd stick with me

someone who cared for him

unlike the evil i'd seen his family put upon him

I really loved him and appreciated his goodness

and his humor and his ease with other people

but he left me

the one who loved him most

the one who never really got a chance to appreciate him as much as i wanted

because school was always in the way

i sometimes say he loved me too much

he even said that to me once, in a song he heard, 

he said the lyrics were what he was feeling

and i understood

but i thought he was strong enough to handle it

and to not make me feel horrible for having a broken body

my poor body, i pushed and pushed it and it broke

and he knows it

and i know it

but that doesn't mean he chose the right solution!

NO!  IT WAS WRONG!


and he made it worse

it would have just taken a few words

a few sentences and a hug of understanding

like

'everything's going to be ok,' and

'i'll always love you, Joanna,'

yes

that would have simply cured everything

simple as that!

to know he understood and I was trying my hardest
and just wanted him to love me and accept me for what i could do

then i could love and accept myself for what i could do
and everything would be just fine

that's all it would have took

instead he made it worse and made me sicker
telling me i was pretending, ignoring my pain and leaving when i was crying my eyes out, pleading with my whole SOUL for his comfort!
but - he would just leave!

and all i needed was a simple hug

and i would have felt totally better

why couldn't he do that?

why did he have to poison instead of heal?

why did he hurt and push me away 
instead of help me and accept me?

it would have stopped the grief

i don't want to love anyone but him

i chose to be with him for 'the long haul'
that was a long time ago, when i still had my mazda, and we were looking at the stars thru the sunroof
and i was cool with it, and went with it, I made a commitment then

I didn't have any doubts

i didn't know he had doubts

he made a mistake

and i still have hope he'll change his mind
because i think it would still only take those few words 

and a real hug to make it all ok again

but he won't do it

so i suffer every night

and in my dreams while I sleep...
 

and all i wanted is what he gave me,

but then decided to take away from me-

his love for me

and his promises of love to me 

that we could share our lives together as one

we were on the same wavelength

we could talk without speaking

it was really cool

depeche mode has a song about it

and it's true

it's like speaking ruins the clarity

and i think it's still there - that connection between us

but i don't get a hug or a kiss goodbye

i don't get to hear his voice or know if he's ok

i just am alone at night

he gave up

he didn't believe that the connection was that strong!

he was the weak one when I always thought it was ME!

now I sob every night in my dreams 
because you gave up, Tom!  

Every night I suffer and cry

because you gave up, Tom!

you shouldn't have left me, Tom

it isn't right!

you shouldn't have left me!

i needed u in that hospital, i was alone and scared

i knew u wouldn't come to hold my hand

i was alone and helpless, 

and I knew no one would come to help me

all i needed was for u to hold my hand

give me some strength and courage

and you knew it!

you KNEW that is all I needed

but u left me alone and scared anyway! 

it hurts 

and that's why i still sob at night in my sleep

every night

just make things right, Tom

make things right so we can live our lives together again

like it was supposed to be

i love you

i miss you

i wasn't horrible

thinks could be ok

i just needed to hear it from you

and you needed to hear it from me...

"IT'S GOING TO BE OK"

i still need you, Tom

and i can't let u go

and i will never be able to

i love you

i may live,

who knows, maybe the rest of my life without you

but it won't be the same

i'll know it's not the way it's supposed to be

we are supposed to be together

it's just not right

i think u know it too

i wish i could see u again, 

hold your hand

hug you

feel your love and your strength

that's the way it's supposed to be

i love you Tom

don't do this

I'm tired of being alone

I'm tired of crying for you every night

i need you

i miss you

i love you

it's too lonely without you

please realize this and come back to me, Tom!

it's just not fair!

I love you

I miss you!

I can't let you go

and i won't

Please, don't make me live the rest of my life without you!

what bitter torment!


JOANNA JEAN






 

CH32 Lonely

CH32
I am sad.  I feel like since I'm not on the 'verge of death' now, that people have stopped thinking or caring about me.  I don't know what to do now, and I still have dreams about T and I am sad about going through the rest of my life by myself.  I guess you'd call that depression, but I'm taking all my anti-depressives.  I just have no motivation to do anything.  I don't know if it is because I'm tired, or because I've failed so much that I'm scared to try and have lost all my courage.  I feel like my parents resent me because I've sucked the life out of them because they had to take care of me throughout all the divorce pain, major surgery pains, and all that.  I'm just sad and I get scared thinking to go outside and try to do something normal because I have no confidence that I can do anything by myself because I'm afraid to get sick and not be able to get home and all that.  I feel like I've used up all the 'favors' that people would give to me and that I'm not allowed to ask for any more help.  I feel insecure and sad because one thing is I wanted to see my oldest brother and my niece but they won't return my emails.  I know they are VERY busy, but I feel like they don't like me and they are too busy even to say hi to me.  I am just sad and don't know what to do to be happy.  Yeah, I'd call that depression.  I even stamped 'VOID' all over my arms and legs because I'm sad, and that's how I feel lately, like I'm worthless and not worth anything, and I should be nulled out and 'VOIDED' like a bad check.  I'm just really sad.  I really wanted to be a doctor, I wanted to get a job, but afraid they'll take away all my government benefits, scared to go out on my own, I guess I don't know how to be happy, and I don't want to bug anyone, so I just hide in my room, so that no one will be bugged by me.  I am also really shaken about the little kitty that died.  She died right in my arms and was crying and meowing, and I tried to save her and she died anyway.  I felt like I wasn't good enough and I failed.  A lot of people I know have new babies, or have happy marriages and children who love them.  I feel like I'm just a nuisance and I don't know why I'm still alive.  I miss being married, because he loved me and cared for me.  I didn't have to ask for it and I liked being able to be important for someone else's life.  I'm just really sad, and I'm so worried about money that I feel guilty going shopping.  I just feel worthless and sad.  And I've tried to read the Bible, that's supposed to feel better, but it's such a sad story, it just makes me feel sadder.  At least that's what I've got from it so far.  I don't have any faith in myself anymore.  I'm just sad.


Love, Joanna

Love, Joanna

ch31: HEARTACHE AND HEADACHES

Chapter 31; June 30, 2010

I sent the final papers.
I signed them at 4am a few days ago.  I couldn't sleep.
I felt so dizzy afterwards, i got up to get a drink of my gatorade / lemonade mix.
I was careful, but still fell and smacked my head on the wall (again) and slammed on my behind and crunched my tailbone (again).
I don't know how this happened, I was being careful, I guess just not careful enough.

The next day I stuffed the signed papers in a nice envelope and sent it to his mom like he asked. 
It's just now hitting me that he is going to get the papers soon in the mail, if he hasn't already.

I was even nice enough to enclose a blank envelope, so he could get a copy mailed back.

I don't even think the signed papers were anything that was legally necessary, i think he just did it to 'appease' me.

whatever...

he's going to get the papers back.
i already got the official paper from the court.

my heart is sinking.

i asked my mom what is wrong with me.
i've been dizzy, not able to leave the house.

today i tried to walk to the corner, was too unsteady, made it halfway and came back.

there was a little life-saver.
tiny.
the little kitty my mom rescued 2 summers ago and we all took turns taking care of him, my mom, my sister, and myself.
he cheered me up with his antics and attacked my feet, i threw my extra hair bands in the air for him.

then my mom & sister rolled up in my car and my mom had some food.  i guess i was hungry.  i didn't know i was hungry, i'm kind of in a daze, like my mind is trying to DISTRACT itself from what is really happening.

the path of my life that i have envisioned is veering off course.
i am alone.
i think i have decided what i am going to do.

go back to the little kids, so i can get out of the house.
it was easy, the kids made me happy, or like i was contributing something.

i haven't been able to eat today.
i was really sick last night.
my tailbone hurts.

the doctor's office called and said that the spine dr i saw lastweek looked again at my xray from my LAST couple falls a couple weeks ago, and wants to get an MRI just to be careful.
when i left his office last week, he said there wasn't cause for concern because i was not having pain.
besides, what can u really do for a broken tailbone?
didn't really study that in school.

anyway, i asked my mom what the problem was - being dizzy, falling, can't eat, nausea - she just said point-blank - it's a BROKEN HEART.

i thought last week...

ok, my heart's broken, it can't get broken into any more pieces, right?

wrong...it's like a book i read a long time ago, the character, a drow, was stuck in a hell where they torture you just until you are about to die...then they let you live and let you build up again...just to torture you again until you are just about to die...this goes on for eternity.   yeah, it kind of is like that.

my mom must understand, she seems to understand.
she says i have a broken heart.

he didn't have to do that.
he chose the thrill of other women and jumping out of airplanes and partying until 4am (i'm assuming), over having a wife who truly loves him and wants to start a family.  i wasn't good enough anymore for him.
maybe it's a plague that occurs in orange county...you have to be 'good enough' to succeed.
i think that's bull, but he chose money and success over love.  even if my heart and body is cracked, broken, scarred, and damaged, it's still a body that loves him, my mind is good. 
why wasn't that good enough for him?

i get physical heart pain too.
in the hospital, dr s tugged out the pacemaker lead wires that were stuck directly into my heart, so in case my heart stopped, they could hook up the machines to the leads in my chest and 'jumpstart my heart'

(ha, there's a motely crue song named that, my brother and i used to use it when we were lifting weights with arnold and lee's weider workout system, ha ha)

anyway, the first lead came out ok.  there was a 2nd lead on the more left lateral side of my heart that was really stuck in there.  i could feel my heart muscle tugging against the lead.  it completely freaked me out, and dr s was frustrated, so i could tell it was not a good thing. 

he finally got it out, but my point is that i know the physical heart pain, and yes, this divorce pain causes that physical heart pain.  i explained this to dr s and for some reason he couldn't look at me.  i think he understood, maybe it happened to him, who knows.

i don't want to be alone.
he didn't have to do this.
it's wrong, things are not supposed to be this way.
i'm in a lot of pain.
i cannot sleep, i cannot eat.
i am tired, but cannot sleep.
i sleep with my diamond ring in my hand.
i don't want to lose all hope.
he shouldn't have done this.
i am sad.
it's not fair.
life hurts too much.
i guess that's my update.

LOVE, JOANNA

chapter30;no stopping him, and no strength!

chapter30
no stopping him!
no more strength!

well, shoot, i've pretty much lost.

T wants to finish everything up by the end of the month.

i feel i've tried everything, but he won't change his mind, even though he admits he feels guilty about leaving me!

it really really sucks! 

so i'm SAD about that!

and about recovery?

i've been bad,

it's too hard and hurts too much to go to the cardiac rehab.  i'd rather push myself at my own pace at the gym down the street. 

i know that's wimpy of me, but like i've said before, i've been through so much of all this sh*t for the past 23 years, i'm tired of being a 'good sport,' and an 'obedient patient.'  yick.

so i've been getting my strength back slowly.  want to go to the gym down the street, but don't have walking shoes

and i am a little afraid i'll catch something.  lots of people, lots of things to catch.  that would suck too.

so i'm sad again. 

worried about medical insurance.  may end up losing all my doctors and having ONLY medic-aid.  talk about feeling useless.  worried about money too.  that sucks too.

that, and i can't sleep. 

it all pretty much sucks.

just wanted to make an update.

JoannaJean

Ch29-Recovery?

Chapter29-Recovery?

Been awhile since I wrote...

1.  Divorce still not final.  Don't want it to be...

2.  From what I gather from my minimal contact with T (infrequent and brief emails...) he's as miserable as I am...

3.  By that rationale...we should be together and work things out, we'd still be miserable, but at least (I think) we'd feel like we are doing the RIGHT thing...

4.  Cardiac Recovery - It's REALLY hard to get all the way across town to get to the Cardiac Rehab place at the hospital.  I can't drive that far yet.

5.  But, the one time I've gone, it was REALLY good.  It's a wonderful program, but I think after a couple more sessions, I'll just work out at the gym across the street from me, so much easier to get to, I just have to MAKE myself go a couple times a week...

6.  But i am frustrated with my recovery.  I think part of it may be my fault, since I'm not pushing myself 100%, but like I said when these 2 surgeries started, way back in October, 'I've been thru all this for over 20 years, I'm tired of being good and tough all the time, just tired of it...'

7.  It's hard having to do a divorce and try to get strong and recover from the surgery - simultaneously.  Too much.  I don't know what my place is anymore, I don't know what I am supposed to be doing...I don't know what I am supposed to do.

8.  Before, I knew...ok, get good grades to get a good job.  ok, that makes sense.  Also, my role was, wife-try to make T happy.  So I knew what to do before.  Now, I feel lost...and tired, sad, lonesome for T, guilty for bugging my Mom and Dad, worthless for not having a job, frustrated with my recovery, etc.

ch28

Tired...
Headache...
Sternal incision pain...

Surgeon basically said...'yeah, you'll have pain...LIVE WITH IT...'

or my favorite...'try TYLENOL...'
doesn't work...

frustrated...

too much PAIN...
for TOO LONG...

can't think about DIVORCE...
actually PHYSICALLY makes my HEART HURT...

NOT FAIR
NOT FAIR
NOT FAIR...

did u know if u take vorc
out of divorce
you get DIE?

like i said,
NOT FAIR!

thanks,
needed to vent..

one more thing...

can't even play on the computer...hurts my CHEST...annoying and NOT FAIR

NOT FAIR
NOT FAIR
NOT FAIR

ok,

JOANNAJEAN

Chapter 21: part VII (ending)

Chapter 21; ALONE; part VII (ending)

anyway, so like 745pm or so i tried to rest and i was afraid i'd die, so i asked dad to just stay there for awhile and make sure i didn't die. he just nodded and sat there. i told him he could go, just check on me before he left. i let myself go, and it felt wierd, because you know how in cartoons and stuff, how they show dead people with their tongues hanging out? well, that's how i felt, i was so spent, that i thought i was going to die because i could feel my tongue like it was falling out of my mouth like i was a dead woman. totally freaked the hell out of me, and i think i even told my dad...




anyway, i slept and had a totally psychadelic trippy dream. when i woke up, it was only 9pm and this voice in the wall (the intercom), he said 'Joanna, sweetie, are you alright?' it was nice of him to be so kind, he had a very purry, comforting voice. I told him, 'yeah, i just have to pee, i'm ok.' my dad must have told them i was scared and to check on me.



i think that night, it was J who took care of me, i think. i had that headache and was scared to go to sleep. but she told me she'd check on me in an hour, and somehow that comforted me, and i was able to drift off.



that psychadelic dream i had though, ew, it was wierd and freaky. it revolved around the clicks and whirling sound that the IV was making, that and my headache, and i was hot and uncomfortable.



the dream was about underground compartments that everyone's soul or spirit is trapped in. and this spirit you have has only one chance in it's life, or in it's eternity to 'snap' one picture, and one picture only...so you have to watch and wait for the perfect snapshot, because once you take it, that's YOUR picture, your mark on eternity, and that's IT, your gone, your dead, vanished.



So i followed all these people during this dream and their 'snapshots.' I remember, in particular, JP. He had a beautiful snapshot, it was curvy and a little swirly, it was a large marble, with the blue and greenish swirls within the marble, i know you've seen those type of marbles, and it was bright, like acrylic paints or a mosaic, like stained glass, that type of brightness and color, and this orb was contained in a, kind of like an old-fashioned wooden house-shaped watering well, very pretty, i could probably paint or draw it, and it's sitting on a green, grassy little hill, and it's lit somehow from the side so all the colors show, but there's a hint of a shadow too. and there's a little bit of a blue backround, lighter blue at the bottom, and getting darker blue toward the top, and nearly black at the very top. i can picture it.



lots of the innocent and young people who got to take 'snapshots' were similar, but with hues of pink, and swirls of yellow-orange. i think there was one for my dad, but i don't really remember it...but the one for JP was very vivid, i think because he has blue eyes.



If there was one for T it was yellow, a stark yellow with a bite - a contrasting stripe of orange running right through the middle, like an unsymettrical corkscrew, even like an umbilical cord, strange enough, very strong and distinct, absolute - if that's the right word...



strange, maybe eyes are gates to someone's soul, even though T doesn't have yellow eyes, he definately has a strong, undenying, and definitive spirit...



anyway, i don't think i had a snapshot for myself, i was kind of like witnessing the snapshots of other people, even strangers, but the 'snap' corresponded, i realized when i woke up, to the 'snap' that the IV made when it switched from the vancomycin to the normal saline. isn't that strange?



and then the whirring of the pump was like the 'roller coaster' i felt like i was on while i was watching the snapshots, cool, huh? i would definately say that was a 'trip,' but i wasn't really on any mind-altering drugs, it was more like a loss of blood and trauma that caused the dream. but boy, it was hard to sleep that night, i had bad muscle spasms in my head, neck, and all down my back too. ick.



i wish i could remember the snapshot i had for myself, i think there was some brilliant red in it, i think for sure there was some red, i think like sunrise or sunset colors too, kinda smudged in there.



anyway, i had been wanting to write that for awhile now, it was a very difficult day, that friday. i had been so uncomfortable with the bed and the diet and the muscle spasms and them not treating my anxiety, those are some of the reasons i had to leave on sunday, i just had to get out of there!



JOANNAJEAN

(end)

chapter 21; part VI

Chapter 21; ALONE; part VI

finally after about like 20 minutes, when everything was calmed down and cleaned up and G had left, my dad walked in, and i was like, 'where the hell have you been! do you KNOW what i just went through!' well, i said that fleetingly in my head and just choked as i told him, 'dad, i stood up and HALF MY BODY FELL OUT OF ME..' i told him this in a weak voice and he didn't hear me. he said, 'huh?' and i took a breath and repeated, 'dad,' and took another breath, 'they took out the tube, and i stood up and all this fluid came out, it was like half of my body fell to the floor.' he just looked at me as to say again, 'huh?' He looked at me dumbly, then looked around - everything looked fine - and he said, 'hmm,' and sat down. he had no idea, and i was too tired to explain further.




i had already been through enough that afternoon. the chest tube coming out, then getting cleaned up. before that, G had brilliantly put in an IV in my left forearm so that the neck IV could be removed later.



also, i had had a strange call from JP earlier where he seemed to have no clue in the universe what the hell i was talking about, he just kept saying, 'yeah, well, i understand that...yeah, hmm.' i tried to explain how wrong it all was, but he either wasn't listening or didn't get it or was on something, so i just hung up the phone and shook my head, it wasn't worth trying to get him to get it.



so, yes, the rest of that friday was extremely traumatic, but at least my dad was there to kind of help me through it. M took the neck line out of me just before the end of shift. G was scared of me at that point and was avoiding us.



Then, to cause more angst... at the end of the day, we were all exhausted, and in comes the nutritionist to give us a delightful discussion about the wonderful cardiac diet, and to LECTURE me about the fact that i haven't eaten and dietary will take special measures to make sure i get something i can eat. my dad and i were so tired at that point, we didn't want any lectures about diet or what i should or shouldn't be eating. i think we were a little rude to her, and i swear she was in my high school class, but we were just so tired...



dad stayed with me, tried to get me to eat some dinner, i think he helped me eat a little of it. my taste was all off after getting so many tubes taken out of me.



I shouldn't have tensed so much when M took out the neck line, because it made it bleed more, and being tensed made my heart pound, which made the blood come out more, which wasn't good. i should have just relaxed, but i forgot, but it really hurt, all that tape, it was like she was ripping my face off, ick.



and afterwards, and for like 3 weeks after that, i had this horrible hollow-like headache, my head felt 'tinny' like it was a tin can with not enough blood in it, and my head would pound diagonally from where the neck line was, across to the other side of my skull, and then roll around the top cranium part.



so around 7 i was with dad, just trying to recover, and i was resting and like 730pm or so, P comes bounding in. it was nice to see her, and a surprise, and she had a strange, but appropriately suited 'psychadelic' get-well card, and a very pretty potted plant.



she was scared to death of me because my sternum scar was showing and there was blood showing thru the steri-strips. i didn't know that, or i would have pulled my gown up a bit. Poor P, she was very nice though, and stayed just a few minutes, she said she had a date she was looking forward to, and she was dressed the part. i was totally on the other side, you know, the real world vs. the hospital world, so i had temporarily forgotten about dates people go on, like normal for a Friday night, or parties or socializing or friends, or driving, or anything like that, normal.



i was just scared that there wasn't enough blood in my head and i felt a little wierd and spooky after she left. i told the night nurse that, and that i was scared. i shouldn't have been scared though because they had that wireless monitor on me, and apparently it worked, because a couple days later they came to check on me when i got out of bed and my heart rate went up to 140.

JOANNAJEAN
(part VII next...)

Chapter 21: ALONE: part IV

Chapter 21:  ALONE:  part V

looking back, i don't see how i didn't faint, all of that fluid coming out of me at once, maybe because it wasn't in my central circulatory system, it was just like accessory excess fluid, that it didn't affect my blood pressure or anything.




anyway, back to subject, i wobbled to the bathroom, holding my gown so it wouldn't get more soaked and so i wouldn't trip on it. i weeble-wobbled toward the bathroom, and an aide with a mop walked in just as i reached the bathroom door.



she just looked at me, the mess, the bed, then back at me who was holding my gown in one hand and the IV pole in another hand. her eyes got real wide and she said 'what happened here!' in a voice that got high pitched at the end of her sentence, and in her southern accent. she just looked, she didn't know what to do.



i, myself, was a little aghast about the scene and in disbelief how bloody everything was. I just stood there, trying to keep my composure, and said, 'i'm ok...it's fluid from the chest tube. M just took the chest tube out of me. I had to pee.'



she never asked if i was ok. but she sure was shocked. she turned around to get G and i continued to the bathroom. I just had to pee so i didn't take long. G and the cleaning lady walked in and they mumbled amongst each other. I just stood there, helpless, what could i do or say, it wasn't my fault. I think i said, among their mumbling, 'i'm sorry,' in a weak voice...



Finally G got her nursing composure back and said, 'i'll handle it, i'll take care of it, i'll just clean it up, ok?'



so she left to get some linens and i hobbled back toward the bed. she had me sit on the chair, still dripping a little and completley naked and shaking and trembling.



i was tired, spent, and a little ashamed at the mess i had made, but there was nothing i could do, i was so tired but i sat up straight because i'd be MORE tired if i had to sit slumped.



i felt bad for G, i know she had other things to do for other patients, and i think she had been having a difficult day anyway in general, and she had to stop everything and tend to the mess i made.



but she did it, didn't complain, like a good old-fashioned nurse, did what she had to do, changed the bed linens, cleaned up the splatters on the floor, and put a new gown on me, all within a few minutes.



i still felt bad about it. we got me back in the bed with plenty of those incontinence pads on the bed this time, and she put on another dressing with a LOT of tape.



then finally i had a chance to catch my breath again, but boy was i tired. i was so tired, i was too tired to catch my breath!

JOANNAJEAN
(part VI next...)

ch21; ALONE; part III

Chapter 21; ALONE; part III

so i lay there for just a few minutes. they left, closed the curtain and i was trying to catch my breath and get in a comfortable position. but i wasn't comfortable. i had to get up, sit up. i'm not sure, i think i had to pee, or i felt uncomfortable because i was laying on a wrinkle or something, so...i had to figure this out...




'how am i going to move...how am i going to maneuver it so i can sit on the side of the bed?' so i just kind of slithered and stopped, slithered and stopped until i got into the position i wanted, sitting on the side of the bed. 'there, that feels a little better,' i thought in my head as i waited and caught my breath again...



the minute my body began to relax, just a little bit, is when more fluid leaked out...i expected it...it was very warm, but i knew it wasn't frank blood and that it wouldn't 'hurt' me or anything.



i couldn't see how much there was, because it was kinda leaking out of the corner of me, and i couldn't really bend my neck that way at the moment, but i could DEFINATELY feel it DRIPPING out of the dressing, which was starting to concern me because i was tired and i knew the dressing was going to have to be re-done and i really was tired...



but then i had to pee, and i was tired, so i stood up. there it was, the moment when i felt LIGHT and ALONE and UN-WORTHWHILE to the WORLD...



as i straightened up and turned on my tippy toe and heel toward the bathroom, i felt like half of my body just - warmly - slipped and fell out of me. i was and felt COMPLETELY HELPLESS as the fluid drenched my gown, it looked like diluted blood, which it pretty much was...



it dripped and as i turned, it even POURED, gushing even at a point, out of the wound on my lower left chest. it dripped and splattered on the floor, and i stepped a little away from the bed because i knew it would be easier for them to clean it up off the floor than off the bed linens.



i just sighed and let it happen. like i said, i was helpless, i had an IV going, i was weak, there wasn't much i could do, and it certainly wasn't my fault.



so i took a moment, one to catch my breath again, and two, to remember this moment and how i felt, how light and insignificant i felt. i let myself feel very very sorry for myself. looking back, i let myself feel quite pathetic for awhile, and didn't feel bad about it, it was a pathetic moment.

JOANNAJEAN
(part IV next...)

ch21:ALONE;partII

Ch21;continued;part2;

this was the CHEST TUBE, that hadn't been in long, but it WAS driving me crazy, it was making me neurotic, i was always checking it to make sure it was not clotted, and i was afraid to lay in the bed, thinking fluid would pool up in the bottom of my lungs...strange though, it didn't hurt - at all - but still, i knew i'd feel better when it was out, i'd feel a little more normal and less jittery and anxious.




yes, it WAS their voices i heard, but it wasn't ME on their list, not until about 2pm or so, and the spaghetti had gotten cold anyway, too bad too, because i WAS hungry and i could have gotten away with eating....anyway



M eventually came in, smiling and being good - bed-side manner-wise - and the nurse came in too, i have to give her credit, G I'll call her, i didn't trust her at all when i first met G, but she ended up doing a REALLY good job that day...so thank goodness for her...



ok, so M said she'd get the chest tube out of me. 'good!' i thought to myself. i was nervous, but i trust M, i know she'd do a good job, she was there that night when Dr. A had to put it in, oooh (shivers....)



so i rolled to the side and talked to them. 'i'm nervous,' i said, i was even shaking a little, trembling even. 'i want to make sure everything's sterile and everything...' M and G, they were kind and reassuring and M said, 'remember how to do this? take a deep breath IN, then blow out...'



i told her yes, but asked M to do it with me, and she was kind and she did, she breathed in, and breathed out with me as she pulled the thing out of me. I was relieved. It didn't hurt, but still, i said, 'GOSH, it's like pulling a snake out of me!' M just smiled, and G did too - she was busy holding me to the side so couldn't really do much more than that.



then M put a good, sturdy bandage over it. then she explained, in her thick, but kind accent, 'now, you might expect a little drainage from that wound. but that's ok, you'd want that stuff OUT of you instead of IN you, right Joanna?' i just nodded, i was still kind of out of breath from the trauma and being so nervous about her taking out the tube...



ha ha...the minute G let me go and i rolled back into the regular position, i could feel the warm fluid gush out of the wound and pool around inside the bandage.



'i can feel some of it come out,' i told M. She was just taking off her gloves and took a quick look and said, 'well, there will be a little drainage, but it hasn't soaked through the dressing, it's ok...' i knew she was already on to her next task, in her head at least, and was on her way out...



so M and G left. I felt a little more of the warm gush coming out, but i tensed up because it was making me nervous and i didn't want to say anything.

JOANNAJEAN
(Part III next...)

Chapter 21: ALONE

I never thought I would have to EVER feel this way...so lost, so alone. I felt un-cared for...like everything could spill out of my body, just like it is right now, and no one would care, i would just kind of dissolve as I drifted to the floor. Finally, when the nurse came in, she'd just look at me, raise her eyes to heaven, sigh, and say...'now look at this mess I have to clean up....'




that's how i felt during one of the WORST times i've had at that hospital...what is missing is how light i felt, i felt like a feather, not just because i weighed so little, but because i felt light, light like no one cared, which is pretty much the harsh truth of what it was, at that point, i was pretty much just a hassle, to everyone and everything, except...when i think about it, i knew i wasn't going to die, i actually just accepted that for that moment, i wasn't important, and no one cared what i felt or what was happening to me...you know...ALONE...



so the nuts and bolts of it is this; it was that friday, the day where almost all the tubes were taken out, everyone was in a hurry to finish everything up by noon or by 4pm, which ever they could get away with...the hallway was busy, clamor here, slam there, footsteps, footsteps, pound, pound, pound...happy voices, sighs, laughs, more sighs, those strange BANGS on my door when someone would be walking down the hall, remember something and turn on their heels real quick, in turn, banging on MY door, freaking me, a newly-cut heart patient - alone, out like crazy...anyway....



i hadn't had lunch, because i knew it was friday, my stomach was upset because i was nervous, because i knew they were going to pull out the chest tube and i was afraid to eat because then M and Dr. A would walk in, see me eating, and say 'oh, we don't want to disturb you, we'll come back in a few minutes,' which on 7th floor (on a Friday, especially) meant, 'you lost your chance, gal' (in other words, they WOULDN'T be back...anyone who's EVER been a patient in the hospital, knows that scam...)



anyway, so i hadn't had lunch, i had a bite, spaghetti, it was actually pretty good, but i swore i heard M and Dr. A talking (Dr. A has a VERY DEEP resounding voice, and M's voice is UNMISTAKABLE with her thick, yet sort of lofty, english accent...) i was afraid my stomach would rumble or something and i REALLY, DESPERATELY wanted that TUBE OUT RIGHT AWAY...it was DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!

JOANNAJEAN
(part II next)

CH20:STILL SAD...

CHAPTER 20;
STILL SAD AND LONELY

I am sad and lonely again tonight. 

I haven't been able to sleep. 

I hope I can sleep tonight, but probably not, I always wake up after having a bad dream. 

Sometimes I cry in my sleep. 

I am sad about the divorce papers.  I don't want the divorce, I feel like when it happens, I'll be like at the edge of a cliff, nowhere to go, alone, scared, not knowing what to do. 

I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be sad. 

I liked our little life together, we'd be getting ready for bed, probably watching a movie or TV or something.  I'd be warm and I wouldn't be lonely, and I'd be happy. 

I'm so scared for when those papers come, I think I'll feel as sad as a person can feel. 

Even after 2 years, I still miss him. 

I don't think any miracle will come and fix everything.  I'm sad and lonely, and miss him....

I know it's gonna happen, and I know how horrible I'll feel, and I know I'll cry, and I know crying will hurt my chest. 

I just hope I can sleep,

but then I just dream about him and when we used to go on trips and see things...

I wish things could be happier...

PLEASE, T, CHANGE YOUR MIND....PLEASE????

JOANNAJEAN

ch19: another note on the divorce...broken vows...

chapter19; aversion....broken vows
another note on the divorce.....



it's 330am and i cannot sleep. 

i am scared because any day now the divorce is going to be final and i will for real be all alone in my life. 

that's how i feel.  when that paper comes in the mail or i get that email, i'll be DEVASTATED...

T was / is the only man i've loved, the only man i've ever wanted to love, and the only man I ever want to love, and i feel that when the divorce is final, that'll be it...i'll be devastated and just be nothing,

i'll feel dissolved and alone...

i'll have no motivation for anything and i feel like i'll never be happy about anything really, ever again. 

i'm already starting to feel like that.  and i don't think i'll be able to handle it...it's just not fair...

aversion...i don't like that word, i think it is unfair...there was one more point i wanted to make,

T, i don't think i will be very enthusiastic about this life if i don't get to live it with you. 

life had color and meaning when i was with you...

and goals meant something to me when i had them to share with you...

we've been apart over 2 years, i still dream about u every night and usually wake up crying because u r not there next to me, like u used to be

and i'm still sad i don't get to hold your hand and i don't get to say 'i love you' and get to hear you say it back...

with a failed marriage, i think i will always be sad. 

this isn't like a suicide thing, i just know that my life will never be as happy as it was with you, T.  i don't think you realize how much you meant to me, every minute of every day... 

i've lived 33 years and even though i haven't been through everything there is to go through, i'd say i'd had more than my fair share, and i was able to get through it, and go forward, knowing you'd be at my side, no-matter what,

now that that belief has been shattered, never in a million years, did i think you'd leave...i trusted that we'd be together no matter what...

i don't believe my life will ever have the happiness and color that it did when i knew u loved me as a wife, and that out of all the girls you could have chosen, you picked me...

that always meant the world to me....

that's just how i feel and i pray you might still change your mind, but i know you won't and my heart will always be broken.  

i just had to mention that, and that i'm still sad. 

p.s.  i still look at my engagement diamond ring and golden wedding ring every day (now that i have it...) and i've just about gained enough weight now (i lost so much during the surgery and weeks afterwards), that it almost fits again...

it fits on my finger just like the day you proposed to me, and the day we got married and you put the wedding band on my finger and we said our VOWS...

they both fit now...that is sad to me...i always wanted to wear them every day we were married, but i know they would have fallen off or got misplaced or something when i washed my hands or something. 

the point is, they fit now, my wedding rings fit....

there was something else i wanted to say, but i forget...i love you, T. 

Please don't leave me, don't divorce me, please???


JOANNAJEAN

CHAPTER 18; WHEN WILL THINGS GET BETTER?

Chapter 18:  When will things get better?

Just a general update for my blog.

1.  Why can't I seem to get anyone to read my blog?  I'm sure it's interesting enough.  I'm not a 'romance novelist' like in "Romancing the Stone," so I don't have that kind of 'interesting...'

2.  I am overwhelmingly SAD because T finally sent in the FINAL papers so the DIVORCE is going to be FINAL any day now...I have SO many feelings about that, that I shouldn't even start...what am I going to do?  I'm all alone in the world now, and sad...

3.  I am 40 days (or so) post-op from my open heart surgery, and I feel I'm at a stand-still.  At first I blamed the fact that the final divorce papers were sent in and that I was depressed, but now I think that is just part of the recipe.

4.  Surgery: (continued)  Like with the kyphoplasty I had, the 'literature' says, within six to eight weeks, you should be back to normal, me no.  I'm still sleeping a lot, and I'm still having CONSTANT pain. 

The pain is better, by better I mean less, but maybe because it's still there, ALL THE TIME, it's WEARING ME DOWN.

5.  I feel cooped up.  I want to drive and go out to eat (I've been living on grilled-cheese sandwiches, which is fine for now), but I wanted to be well enough to go out to eat too.  But driving still hurts like HE'double hockey sticks' (I remember Vera from the show 'Alice' used to say that...LOL).  So I have to wait on that too.

6.  I don't know what to do next with my life...teach?  i love to teach, but what?  go to school for a k-12 credential?  go to CSULB for the single subject science credential?  try to get a job for a city college? 

My dear friend Anna says go for a P.A.  I feel lost and sad, because I wanted to resume being a WIFE, and of course, I still feel bad failing as a physician...

7.  I feel bad for TinyBear, our grey kitty.  He got attacked 2 weeks ago by another cat and the injury is on the base of his tail and it won't heal.  He's an active kitty who wants to jump walls and chase grasshoppers, but that's not good for a tail that is trying to heal.  Poor kitty.

8.  I've just been generally sad lately, maybe I feel like TinyBear, wanting to (metaphorically) chase grasshoppers, but my body won't let me.  I hope you 'get' that. 

I want to do things, but I'm limited by the healing my body still has to do.

9.  Lately, I can tell my heart muscle itself hurts and is trying to heal. 

I stretch my left arm to turn on the light and the area just left of my incision suddenly gets a sharp, tearing, stinging, biting-type pain.  OUCH! 

Then it takes over an hour of being very still in bed and of course a pain pill for the hurt to dissipate...

10.  Mostly, my sadness is because of T.  And, he won't let me see him or talk to him on the phone. 

He even threatened to change his phone number or tell the court that I am 'harassing' him (which I don't believe - 3 phone messages over 2 weeks I don't believe is harassment...).

11.  I am upset about Medicare.  I want to keep my doctors, most whom I've known for over 20 years, and Medicaid doesn't cover them.  I am going to have to rely on cobra coverage somehow until I can get the coverage I want and can afford to keep.

12.  I am feeling worthless because I am not making any income.  So I've been falling for some of these 'make $ at home scams' and they don't seem to be working...

That's enough griping for now I think.  Mostly I'm upset about T, the divorce, being lonely, and still hurting, after well a month from the surgery date...and I'm still having spontaneous anxiety which is unsettling.....

JOANNAJEAN