CH35 Year Update : Sadness

The Day His Prozac Kicked In

March, 2011

Well, March 1st was the year anniversary of my open heart surgery.

It is Sunday night and I was really and optimistic last week.

But today, I'm just as sad and gloomy as I was 5 YEARS ago.

I got a REALLY mean and insensitive EMAIL correspondence from Tom's sister.  I am not sure truly who it was from, but it's probably a HUGE part of the reason I am so sad and depressed right now.

I had started the new anti-depressive drug, Remiron, a week or so ago, and was really happy that I thought it was working.  I was starting to feel a little uplifted and motivated again.

But again, a day or so ago, all my feelings of sadness and defeatedness came crashing back.

I am so mad that Anna and Tom, and the family can still have such an effect on me.  I feel so beaten that their insincerity can still hurt me so much.

ALL I EVER ASKED FOR FROM TOM, WHAT I'VE BEEN ASKING FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS, IS FOR HIM TO GET SOME BALLS, COME TO ME IN PERSON, SAY HE IS SORRY FOR HURTING ME, LET ME SAY GOODBYE TO HIM, AND LET ME GIVE HIM ONE LAST HUG. 

But he WOULDN'T do that for me. 

I needed my last payment for medical insurance.  It was already money that Tom had agreed to give me, it had already been settled, but they had to play their little 'POWER' game and say 'YOU ONLY GET YOUR 'LIFE' MONEY IF U GIVE BACK HIS CAR KEY.'

I have emails saying that it was not a big deal, that I had it and he could have it back any time, in any way he wanted it.  I needed the $ within 48 hours, and instead of Tom simply driving up from Irvine, getting his key, and then giving me a check, the simplest implementation of this transaction they were insisting on.....no.....

IT HAD TO BE THEIR WAY;  I HAD TO SEND THE KEY TO ANNA IN N.C. AND THEN, AND ONLY THEN, WOULD SHE ALLOW A CHECK TO BE SENT TO ME FROM N.C. TO LONG BEACH.  WHATEVER SENSE THAT MAKES...to me, only seems like a cruel manifestation of the 'POWER' and cruelty they (think) they have over me.

Well, YES, THEY CERTAINLY HAVE THE POWER TO HURT ME TO THE POINT OF SEVERE AND EXCRUCIATING DEPRESSION AND PAIN.  And to be truthful, I think it gives them a sick, perverse sense of control, power, and satisfaction --

'ha ha - Joanna, u are so dumb, u deserve to suffer and be DEAD.'  I wish u were DEAD, but since I haven't killed u yet, well, I can torture you and hurt you a lot anyway, that's good enough for me....'

Well, if they had ever wanted to hurt a person like that.  They have succeeded. 

Tom, I only wanted to be married, and to love you, and to live a happy life together, or at least try, and have the vows of marriage together, to live old together, to have kids together, to have a life together... 

Why did u have to hurt me so bad? 

How come u will not resolve and help ease my depression by doing the single thing I've been begging for for so many years, just give me some closure.

To everyone out there...DON'T EVER GET DIVORCED.  It hurts too much. 

Tom, if u wanted to hurt me, you've succeeded.  I'm still in so much pain, I'm still crying your name at night.  If that's what u wanted, YOU WIN. 

I had been thinking of it, and I don't think I can get married again, not now. 

I'm too hurt, I loved you too much, I trusted you too much. 

I'm too scared of the world now. 

I can only get thru day by day. 

I don't know how my health will be 24 hours from now, so it is hard to schedule things. 

I am very sad. 

I hope I will feel better in the morning. 

I know my night tonight will be fitful and I will have sorrowful dreams about Tom. 

What makes me really really sad though is this:
I know, deep inside, there is good in him. 
That is the good that I loved. 
That is the good that I married. 

He hurt me so much, that I didn't pursue the full penalty towards him - that he legally owed me finanacially by law - because I would have too much on MY conscious to hurt him that way. 


I guess you could say that I have left that kind of punishment to a higher power, whatever that may be.  I couldn't handle putting that kind of pain on another person, even though people like him, his family, his sister, and people all over the world, have NO PROBLEM hurting other people in that way. 

I BELIEVE THERE R PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHO DO NOT HAVE A CONSCIOUS.

I BELIEVE THERE IS MORE HATE IN THIS WORLD THAN LOVE.

And that is what keeps me up at night, makes me cry out and sob, why, Tom, why?  I thought you were better than that, stronger than that! 

Tom, why did u hurt me SO BAD?
WHY DID U HURT ME, KNOWING HOW SENSITIVE I AM, AND HOW DEEPLY IT WOULD HURT ME? 
YOU LEFT A SCAR IN ME THAT GOES BEYOND LIFE AND DEATH, A PAINFUL SCAR THAT GOES BEYOND THE HUMAN BODY, THE HUMAN LIFE, THIS PLANE OF EXISTANCE, THE HEAVEN AND THE EARTH. 
THIS PAIN IS ETERNAL AND CAN BE SEEN IN THE EYES OF EVERY BEING, THAT EVER LIVED, THAT ALSO LIVED THRU THIS PAIN.

THIS PAIN IS ETERNAL.

I Know there are people who do and who have felt this type of pain. 

I have tried and continue to try to NOT cause or fan the flame of this pain, in any way, toward any creature, in any way.  I want to heal, to ease pain, and try to turn the tide of life more towards LOVE and away from HATE.  I know others try to do this too, I do not see it as a weakness.  I wish I had more courage to fight this EVIL and HATE.  But for now, the best i can do is just make it to the next day, and hope it will be better.

But I am not strong enough.  I said last year when I had to have my heart fixed, I told everyone that I did not have the STRENGTH OR COURAGE anymore to be the strong and kind person I was when I was young. 

I've been hurt too much and too deeply to try the world again.  That is why I hide, that is why I am scared.

I want to be happy again, but it doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon.  I face this month, not knowing if I will be able to afford my medical insurance.  I am even at the point now, that I plan a couple days ahead of time, to make sure I have the means to have enough food to get thru the day.

I am scared of the world.

I really hope tomorrow will be a little better, because I am very sad right now.

Best of luck to all of u struggling with similar problems. 

I love you and hope you are stronger than me.

Love,
JoannaJean

Ch34 JANUARY SUCKS

The Day His Prozac Kicked In - Ch34

January Sucks!

January has always sucked, ever since I was little, a long, depressing month.  I'm glad it's over, but the past decade or so, February has seemed ABSOLUTELY CURSED!  So I'm not looking forward to it, but I'll be prepared for it.  

Tom & I NEVER had a really nice Valentine's Day.  The day he proposed was Valentine's Day, so that was very nice and special.  

I'll always remember that tingly feeling that someone loves you.  It's a delicate, precious feeling, like you are standing tip-toe, keeping your balance on a dandelion, like a fairy or butterfly might do.  He was so nervous when he asked, even though we had already planned it and he knew I'd say yes.  

It was at the Colorado Lagoon, which everyone considers an icky eyesore of a place, but to me, it has always been magical.  It still is.

Another magical place is the Japanese Gardens at CSULB.  Talk about picture perfect!  I remember our wedding day there.  All I felt was pure joy, I look back and remember that all the guests were overcome by peace and happiness too.  Everything worked out,  it was AWESOME!

a few little non-perfect things - like I wanted them to play "She's Got Legs" by ZZTop (I think that's the name of the band...) - I wanted the DJ to play that song when Tom took the garter off my leg and threw it!  That would have been COOL!

I know Tom left me, but those places are still magical...the koi fish, all the guests were happy and visiting and wearing their nicest prettiest suits, dresses and hats.  My sister said angels were there too, she could see them, sense them... 

Everyone was happy.  When I walked toward the bridge to get married, Tom whispered that I was beautiful.  That meant so much to me and I blushed and felt so lucky that he had chosen me and loved me so much to say that!

I never suspected he would leave me.  How can he sleep at night?  This month was horrendous to me.  

I had planned to get a studio I had been waiting for, one I could afford and was special to me because a dear friend and HIS dear friend told me about it.  So that was the plan, but I woke up too quickly one night and SLAMMED my head into the dresser.  

I know I had a concussion and I think I even had 'raccoon eyes,' which I remember from school is a DEAD RINGER for a serious head injury.  I should have gone to the doctor right away, but I was sooooo afraid of being admitted into those hard beds at St. Marys.  

Then 2 more things happened as I lay in bed, hiding my phone in the laundry basket in the other room because the phone buzzing kept FREAKING me out...

One, it was Tom's birthday.  So I was thinking of him and being sad, KNOWING HE WASN'T THINKING OF ME, THAT HE JUST DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL ANYMORE.

Then I realized the 6 months were up and there was no more money for COBRA, so I FREAKED AGAIN and couldn't make it to the pharmacy anyway, so I stopped taking A LOT, well, MOST of my medications because I was worried about money.  I was scared.   

So I was feeling terrible, sick, shaky, hopeless, and angry that I couldn't do anything because of banging my head.  I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't eat.  I tried to hide and stay in my room.  I didn't want to be any MORE of a burden to my parents.  I felt incredibly guilty...I've already asked them for so much help.  

I was a wreck, I didn't answer calls, canceled my appointments because I wanted to save money and not pay for the co-payments.  

I had basically lost my will and just wanted to sleep.  I just wanted to sleep!

I feel a little better now.  I'm eating better, trying to walk more.  I want to go out, but then I get scared and get an anxiety attack.  But I am feeling a tiny bit stronger. 

Worst was the hallucinations.  I saw ants on the ceiling, hundreds of them, on the ceiling above my bed.  What TOTALLY FREAKED me out is that I got the flashlight and told Mom and Susan about the ants - THEY WERE NOT THERE!  I could see them plain as day, but they were NOT THERE.  That FREAKED ME OUT!  

Then one Saturday, another sleepless night, I was kept up until 6am by 94.7 FM that I was picking up in my ears, in Stanton.  Then the next day, I swore I heard that the Jersey Shore people were in the house and wanted to talk to me.  

It was all completely real to me, and the fact that it was crazy SCARED ME to death!

I still make the same wish though everytime I pick up a dandelion and blow away all the seeds.  Even though he wrote a horribly insensitive and downright CRUEL email saying he is getting married and to NEVER talk to him again, and he was going to put me on a restraining order (completely ridiculous, I replied).  And he still owes me $700 for the extra cost of COBRA those 6 months...

I was thinking of this last night when I couldn't sleep (as usual), it's the engraving on the tombstone of our marriage.  It reads something like this:

A Broken Marriage

The love you had for me, you shut the gate on it.

I sobbed so many tears, have had so much hope...

May the happy memories live forever,

and the hope of your love again remain...

as a small ray of eternal hope.

The broken promises continue to squeeze, tear, and rip my heart, what has happened is truly a death.

Rest in Peace, 

but the tiny glittery chance of hope will always remain in my heart, Because Love does not die, 

and neither does hope.

Love,

JOANNAJEAN

Ch33October

The Day His Prozac Kicked In

Ch33
October

It's been awhile since I last wrote.  I guess that's because not that much has changed.

The divorce has gone legally final, but that holds no relief for me.

I've thought of 'letting go' with a little ceremony and a little prayer to myself, I never did it.

I still wake up sobbing and crying, saying 'I miss you!' 
or 'Tommy, you shouldn't have left me!'

Last time, I just cried in my sleep, 

I couldn't wake up from my dream.

I miss being loved.

I miss hearing you breathe.

I still wonder what it was that happened that one night when he came home at 4 a.m., looked me in the eye and said 'you and me, we aren't going to work out,'

I can kind of guess what happened,

but I never thought he'd abandon me
If u read my other posts, 

you know how terrified I was alone in the hospital

How I came home 2 weeks early because I couldn't be there anymore

but still at night I'm so sad

it's at night when I'm alone

and I don't have dreams about the birds getting loose from their cages, not so much that dream anymore

now it's his face, us on a ship, the two of us going somewhere
like the desert or the ocean, something like that

and we are lost together, wandering, searching,

and he's still not happy with me
but he's doing his 'searching' through the huge aisles of the supermarket or walmart or whatever

and i'm still trying desperately to keep up with him
but we are together 

for some reason it's that dream where i wake up

we are in a paradise, yet i still feel abandoned
and only want him to love me as our vows were written

i don't like being alone

it's scary

and i want to experience life with him again

not all alone

just still at night i am sad
and the past few days, sad and solemnly quiet,

i am happy to be seeing my niece tomorrow,

so sweet and happy and little

the whole world is exciting and fun!

yes, it is
until you've had it, shared it, and then he abandons you

i wish he hadn't left me

this wasn't the plan

we were supposed to have a baby too

and i was supposed to be a doctor

and everything was supposed to be happy

but something happened that night and he snapped

he didn't want me to be so dependent on him
he changed his mind
and left me

i feel like everything just stopped in May 2006

i remember that day, when we were moving

i couldn't stop throwing up

i think i threw up every day for like 8 or 9 months

that whole period

and that last night, I remember it was Feb 2nd, I had voted
I asked him about what the primaries were and he answered
even though he answered from far away
then he turned to go to sleep

and there was a moment and i knew

and my heart leaped and i gasped and grabbed my chest

i said to him

you're going to leave me, aren't you?

he just said,
'mmmm' like i was annoying him
'go to bed,' and he covered his head with the sheet

he knew it a lot sooner than i did

i thought he'd stick with me

someone who cared for him

unlike the evil i'd seen his family put upon him

I really loved him and appreciated his goodness

and his humor and his ease with other people

but he left me

the one who loved him most

the one who never really got a chance to appreciate him as much as i wanted

because school was always in the way

i sometimes say he loved me too much

he even said that to me once, in a song he heard, 

he said the lyrics were what he was feeling

and i understood

but i thought he was strong enough to handle it

and to not make me feel horrible for having a broken body

my poor body, i pushed and pushed it and it broke

and he knows it

and i know it

but that doesn't mean he chose the right solution!

NO!  IT WAS WRONG!


and he made it worse

it would have just taken a few words

a few sentences and a hug of understanding

like

'everything's going to be ok,' and

'i'll always love you, Joanna,'

yes

that would have simply cured everything

simple as that!

to know he understood and I was trying my hardest
and just wanted him to love me and accept me for what i could do

then i could love and accept myself for what i could do
and everything would be just fine

that's all it would have took

instead he made it worse and made me sicker
telling me i was pretending, ignoring my pain and leaving when i was crying my eyes out, pleading with my whole SOUL for his comfort!
but - he would just leave!

and all i needed was a simple hug

and i would have felt totally better

why couldn't he do that?

why did he have to poison instead of heal?

why did he hurt and push me away 
instead of help me and accept me?

it would have stopped the grief

i don't want to love anyone but him

i chose to be with him for 'the long haul'
that was a long time ago, when i still had my mazda, and we were looking at the stars thru the sunroof
and i was cool with it, and went with it, I made a commitment then

I didn't have any doubts

i didn't know he had doubts

he made a mistake

and i still have hope he'll change his mind
because i think it would still only take those few words 

and a real hug to make it all ok again

but he won't do it

so i suffer every night

and in my dreams while I sleep...
 

and all i wanted is what he gave me,

but then decided to take away from me-

his love for me

and his promises of love to me 

that we could share our lives together as one

we were on the same wavelength

we could talk without speaking

it was really cool

depeche mode has a song about it

and it's true

it's like speaking ruins the clarity

and i think it's still there - that connection between us

but i don't get a hug or a kiss goodbye

i don't get to hear his voice or know if he's ok

i just am alone at night

he gave up

he didn't believe that the connection was that strong!

he was the weak one when I always thought it was ME!

now I sob every night in my dreams 
because you gave up, Tom!  

Every night I suffer and cry

because you gave up, Tom!

you shouldn't have left me, Tom

it isn't right!

you shouldn't have left me!

i needed u in that hospital, i was alone and scared

i knew u wouldn't come to hold my hand

i was alone and helpless, 

and I knew no one would come to help me

all i needed was for u to hold my hand

give me some strength and courage

and you knew it!

you KNEW that is all I needed

but u left me alone and scared anyway! 

it hurts 

and that's why i still sob at night in my sleep

every night

just make things right, Tom

make things right so we can live our lives together again

like it was supposed to be

i love you

i miss you

i wasn't horrible

thinks could be ok

i just needed to hear it from you

and you needed to hear it from me...

"IT'S GOING TO BE OK"

i still need you, Tom

and i can't let u go

and i will never be able to

i love you

i may live,

who knows, maybe the rest of my life without you

but it won't be the same

i'll know it's not the way it's supposed to be

we are supposed to be together

it's just not right

i think u know it too

i wish i could see u again, 

hold your hand

hug you

feel your love and your strength

that's the way it's supposed to be

i love you Tom

don't do this

I'm tired of being alone

I'm tired of crying for you every night

i need you

i miss you

i love you

it's too lonely without you

please realize this and come back to me, Tom!

it's just not fair!

I love you

I miss you!

I can't let you go

and i won't

Please, don't make me live the rest of my life without you!

what bitter torment!


JOANNA JEAN






 

CH32 Lonely

CH32
I am sad.  I feel like since I'm not on the 'verge of death' now, that people have stopped thinking or caring about me.  I don't know what to do now, and I still have dreams about T and I am sad about going through the rest of my life by myself.  I guess you'd call that depression, but I'm taking all my anti-depressives.  I just have no motivation to do anything.  I don't know if it is because I'm tired, or because I've failed so much that I'm scared to try and have lost all my courage.  I feel like my parents resent me because I've sucked the life out of them because they had to take care of me throughout all the divorce pain, major surgery pains, and all that.  I'm just sad and I get scared thinking to go outside and try to do something normal because I have no confidence that I can do anything by myself because I'm afraid to get sick and not be able to get home and all that.  I feel like I've used up all the 'favors' that people would give to me and that I'm not allowed to ask for any more help.  I feel insecure and sad because one thing is I wanted to see my oldest brother and my niece but they won't return my emails.  I know they are VERY busy, but I feel like they don't like me and they are too busy even to say hi to me.  I am just sad and don't know what to do to be happy.  Yeah, I'd call that depression.  I even stamped 'VOID' all over my arms and legs because I'm sad, and that's how I feel lately, like I'm worthless and not worth anything, and I should be nulled out and 'VOIDED' like a bad check.  I'm just really sad.  I really wanted to be a doctor, I wanted to get a job, but afraid they'll take away all my government benefits, scared to go out on my own, I guess I don't know how to be happy, and I don't want to bug anyone, so I just hide in my room, so that no one will be bugged by me.  I am also really shaken about the little kitty that died.  She died right in my arms and was crying and meowing, and I tried to save her and she died anyway.  I felt like I wasn't good enough and I failed.  A lot of people I know have new babies, or have happy marriages and children who love them.  I feel like I'm just a nuisance and I don't know why I'm still alive.  I miss being married, because he loved me and cared for me.  I didn't have to ask for it and I liked being able to be important for someone else's life.  I'm just really sad, and I'm so worried about money that I feel guilty going shopping.  I just feel worthless and sad.  And I've tried to read the Bible, that's supposed to feel better, but it's such a sad story, it just makes me feel sadder.  At least that's what I've got from it so far.  I don't have any faith in myself anymore.  I'm just sad.


Love, Joanna

Love, Joanna

ch31: HEARTACHE AND HEADACHES

Chapter 31; June 30, 2010

I sent the final papers.
I signed them at 4am a few days ago.  I couldn't sleep.
I felt so dizzy afterwards, i got up to get a drink of my gatorade / lemonade mix.
I was careful, but still fell and smacked my head on the wall (again) and slammed on my behind and crunched my tailbone (again).
I don't know how this happened, I was being careful, I guess just not careful enough.

The next day I stuffed the signed papers in a nice envelope and sent it to his mom like he asked. 
It's just now hitting me that he is going to get the papers soon in the mail, if he hasn't already.

I was even nice enough to enclose a blank envelope, so he could get a copy mailed back.

I don't even think the signed papers were anything that was legally necessary, i think he just did it to 'appease' me.

whatever...

he's going to get the papers back.
i already got the official paper from the court.

my heart is sinking.

i asked my mom what is wrong with me.
i've been dizzy, not able to leave the house.

today i tried to walk to the corner, was too unsteady, made it halfway and came back.

there was a little life-saver.
tiny.
the little kitty my mom rescued 2 summers ago and we all took turns taking care of him, my mom, my sister, and myself.
he cheered me up with his antics and attacked my feet, i threw my extra hair bands in the air for him.

then my mom & sister rolled up in my car and my mom had some food.  i guess i was hungry.  i didn't know i was hungry, i'm kind of in a daze, like my mind is trying to DISTRACT itself from what is really happening.

the path of my life that i have envisioned is veering off course.
i am alone.
i think i have decided what i am going to do.

go back to the little kids, so i can get out of the house.
it was easy, the kids made me happy, or like i was contributing something.

i haven't been able to eat today.
i was really sick last night.
my tailbone hurts.

the doctor's office called and said that the spine dr i saw lastweek looked again at my xray from my LAST couple falls a couple weeks ago, and wants to get an MRI just to be careful.
when i left his office last week, he said there wasn't cause for concern because i was not having pain.
besides, what can u really do for a broken tailbone?
didn't really study that in school.

anyway, i asked my mom what the problem was - being dizzy, falling, can't eat, nausea - she just said point-blank - it's a BROKEN HEART.

i thought last week...

ok, my heart's broken, it can't get broken into any more pieces, right?

wrong...it's like a book i read a long time ago, the character, a drow, was stuck in a hell where they torture you just until you are about to die...then they let you live and let you build up again...just to torture you again until you are just about to die...this goes on for eternity.   yeah, it kind of is like that.

my mom must understand, she seems to understand.
she says i have a broken heart.

he didn't have to do that.
he chose the thrill of other women and jumping out of airplanes and partying until 4am (i'm assuming), over having a wife who truly loves him and wants to start a family.  i wasn't good enough anymore for him.
maybe it's a plague that occurs in orange county...you have to be 'good enough' to succeed.
i think that's bull, but he chose money and success over love.  even if my heart and body is cracked, broken, scarred, and damaged, it's still a body that loves him, my mind is good. 
why wasn't that good enough for him?

i get physical heart pain too.
in the hospital, dr s tugged out the pacemaker lead wires that were stuck directly into my heart, so in case my heart stopped, they could hook up the machines to the leads in my chest and 'jumpstart my heart'

(ha, there's a motely crue song named that, my brother and i used to use it when we were lifting weights with arnold and lee's weider workout system, ha ha)

anyway, the first lead came out ok.  there was a 2nd lead on the more left lateral side of my heart that was really stuck in there.  i could feel my heart muscle tugging against the lead.  it completely freaked me out, and dr s was frustrated, so i could tell it was not a good thing. 

he finally got it out, but my point is that i know the physical heart pain, and yes, this divorce pain causes that physical heart pain.  i explained this to dr s and for some reason he couldn't look at me.  i think he understood, maybe it happened to him, who knows.

i don't want to be alone.
he didn't have to do this.
it's wrong, things are not supposed to be this way.
i'm in a lot of pain.
i cannot sleep, i cannot eat.
i am tired, but cannot sleep.
i sleep with my diamond ring in my hand.
i don't want to lose all hope.
he shouldn't have done this.
i am sad.
it's not fair.
life hurts too much.
i guess that's my update.

LOVE, JOANNA