Ch34 JANUARY SUCKS

The Day His Prozac Kicked In - Ch34

January Sucks!

January has always sucked, ever since I was little, a long, depressing month.  I'm glad it's over, but the past decade or so, February has seemed ABSOLUTELY CURSED!  So I'm not looking forward to it, but I'll be prepared for it.  

Tom & I NEVER had a really nice Valentine's Day.  The day he proposed was Valentine's Day, so that was very nice and special.  

I'll always remember that tingly feeling that someone loves you.  It's a delicate, precious feeling, like you are standing tip-toe, keeping your balance on a dandelion, like a fairy or butterfly might do.  He was so nervous when he asked, even though we had already planned it and he knew I'd say yes.  

It was at the Colorado Lagoon, which everyone considers an icky eyesore of a place, but to me, it has always been magical.  It still is.

Another magical place is the Japanese Gardens at CSULB.  Talk about picture perfect!  I remember our wedding day there.  All I felt was pure joy, I look back and remember that all the guests were overcome by peace and happiness too.  Everything worked out,  it was AWESOME!

a few little non-perfect things - like I wanted them to play "She's Got Legs" by ZZTop (I think that's the name of the band...) - I wanted the DJ to play that song when Tom took the garter off my leg and threw it!  That would have been COOL!

I know Tom left me, but those places are still magical...the koi fish, all the guests were happy and visiting and wearing their nicest prettiest suits, dresses and hats.  My sister said angels were there too, she could see them, sense them... 

Everyone was happy.  When I walked toward the bridge to get married, Tom whispered that I was beautiful.  That meant so much to me and I blushed and felt so lucky that he had chosen me and loved me so much to say that!

I never suspected he would leave me.  How can he sleep at night?  This month was horrendous to me.  

I had planned to get a studio I had been waiting for, one I could afford and was special to me because a dear friend and HIS dear friend told me about it.  So that was the plan, but I woke up too quickly one night and SLAMMED my head into the dresser.  

I know I had a concussion and I think I even had 'raccoon eyes,' which I remember from school is a DEAD RINGER for a serious head injury.  I should have gone to the doctor right away, but I was sooooo afraid of being admitted into those hard beds at St. Marys.  

Then 2 more things happened as I lay in bed, hiding my phone in the laundry basket in the other room because the phone buzzing kept FREAKING me out...

One, it was Tom's birthday.  So I was thinking of him and being sad, KNOWING HE WASN'T THINKING OF ME, THAT HE JUST DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL ANYMORE.

Then I realized the 6 months were up and there was no more money for COBRA, so I FREAKED AGAIN and couldn't make it to the pharmacy anyway, so I stopped taking A LOT, well, MOST of my medications because I was worried about money.  I was scared.   

So I was feeling terrible, sick, shaky, hopeless, and angry that I couldn't do anything because of banging my head.  I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't eat.  I tried to hide and stay in my room.  I didn't want to be any MORE of a burden to my parents.  I felt incredibly guilty...I've already asked them for so much help.  

I was a wreck, I didn't answer calls, canceled my appointments because I wanted to save money and not pay for the co-payments.  

I had basically lost my will and just wanted to sleep.  I just wanted to sleep!

I feel a little better now.  I'm eating better, trying to walk more.  I want to go out, but then I get scared and get an anxiety attack.  But I am feeling a tiny bit stronger. 

Worst was the hallucinations.  I saw ants on the ceiling, hundreds of them, on the ceiling above my bed.  What TOTALLY FREAKED me out is that I got the flashlight and told Mom and Susan about the ants - THEY WERE NOT THERE!  I could see them plain as day, but they were NOT THERE.  That FREAKED ME OUT!  

Then one Saturday, another sleepless night, I was kept up until 6am by 94.7 FM that I was picking up in my ears, in Stanton.  Then the next day, I swore I heard that the Jersey Shore people were in the house and wanted to talk to me.  

It was all completely real to me, and the fact that it was crazy SCARED ME to death!

I still make the same wish though everytime I pick up a dandelion and blow away all the seeds.  Even though he wrote a horribly insensitive and downright CRUEL email saying he is getting married and to NEVER talk to him again, and he was going to put me on a restraining order (completely ridiculous, I replied).  And he still owes me $700 for the extra cost of COBRA those 6 months...

I was thinking of this last night when I couldn't sleep (as usual), it's the engraving on the tombstone of our marriage.  It reads something like this:

A Broken Marriage

The love you had for me, you shut the gate on it.

I sobbed so many tears, have had so much hope...

May the happy memories live forever,

and the hope of your love again remain...

as a small ray of eternal hope.

The broken promises continue to squeeze, tear, and rip my heart, what has happened is truly a death.

Rest in Peace, 

but the tiny glittery chance of hope will always remain in my heart, Because Love does not die, 

and neither does hope.

Love,

JOANNAJEAN